Seether

In my years of drinking, I often turned to music to find lyrics that meant something to me. I have been obsessed with Nine Inch Nails from the time I was 15 to about 30. Around 2000, Seether was really starting to hit the airwaves and I was immediately drawn to many of their lyrics. Tonight, I saw them, for the first time, in concert at the Myth. As they played song after song that I actually knew (surprising since I barely keep up on new songs), I was just struck about having listened to all of these songs over the past 15 years and how deeply my perspective has changed on their meaning to me. 

In 2000, the song "Fine Again" was released. I was 22 years old. I had been daily drinking for about 2 years at this point. I knew there was something wrong with my drinking and it was starting to affect my mental health. My depression was getting worse. The following are the lyrics that always stuck with me:
"It seems like every day's the same
And I'm left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is gray
And there's no color to behold
They say it's over and I'm fine again, yeah
Try to stay sober feels like I'm dying here"
Especially this last line. When I tried to stay sober, it did feeling like I was dying. It wasn't until I got to treatment I learned that my brain was telling me that I was dying. Not from the depression, not from the lack to color in my life, addiction had me actually convinced that I was dying without alcohol. It would be another 10 years after the release of his song that I would learn about this. In the meanwhile, I just knew that my drinking was out of control but I didn't know/want to do anything about it. 

In 2004, Seether released "Broken", a duet with Amy Lee. My heart was immediately attracted to the pain this song conveyed. I was surrounded by so many positive things. I was in nursing school and had made a lot of friends. I was getting married. My friends were getting married. I was in 6 weddings that year. I had friends that I hung out with a lot. In the middle of all that happiness and joy, I felt so alone and didn't know what to say. I turned inwards as my tolerance to alcohol grew. I was finding new ways to hide what I was doing. Then I heard these lyrics:
"'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome"
I felt that if I admitted to anyone the extent of my addiction, I would lose it. I feared my family would be mad at me or disappointed in me. I didn't want to tell them because I knew the minute they knew, I was going to have to stop. I didn't want to let the cat of out the bag, so to speak. I felt broken, sick and totally alone.

In 2005, Seether released "Remedy". By 2005, life was starting to fall apart very very quickly. My new marriage was severely on the rocks. I got my first nursing job and it was a disaster. I quickly moved on to my next nursing job which was a slight improvement; however, my drinking had escalated to a point that I was making mistakes and also it was more noticeable that I was experiencing withdrawals when I stopped drinking even for a few hours. The following lyrics always stuck with me:
"Clip the wings that get you high, just leave them where they lie
And tell yourself, 'You'll be the death of me'"
This is how alcohol felt to me. I needed to get rid of it and on some level I knew that it was going to kill me if I kept going at the rate I was. Part of me was ready, part of me was not. My answer to the consistent pestering of my then husband was to move jobs about 3 more times in that year and finally move to the evening/overnight shift so we didn't see each other. I have to admit, 2005-2006 is pretty much a blurry set of memories. 

Fast forward to August 4th, 2017, I am watching Seether in concert. I heard each of these lyrics tonight and I felt this huge sense of peace. In the years leading up to my eventual recovery, I felt such pain and abandonment. I remember sitting in the 2nd bedroom on my old condo. I would have my bottle of rum on the floor. I had a full length mirror in there. I would play songs that got my emotions going, only a few of those times did I choose something to motivate me or make me happy. I searched for songs that I could connect with to express my pain. I would stare in that mirror and wondered if this was it for me. Only today do I realize that I had abandoned life back then. No one really ever abandoned me. Only today do I realize that I shortchanged myself with regards to my strength. Listening to these lyrics from my life today, I felt energized and danced the night away. These lyrics, in a way, felt like my anthem for recovery. Remedy was the last song they played tonight and how truly fitting for me. I clipped the wings that got me high and I left them where they needed to be. 

Thank you TO for the fun night out. I have been somewhat fearful of concerts because 99% of the ones I have been to in the past, I was drunk. There were no urges or desires on my end. I wanted to be fully present and absorb the atmosphere around me. Part of this recovery gig is to push myself out of my bubble and get back to life. In my previous blog, I spoke about this restlessness I am experiencing. As I move forward with new adventures, this restlessness is fading to the background. Somehow, some way I am finding what I need to refuel this soul. 

Peace out! 
J