The Big 4-0

Well, here it is....the big day. I am turning 40 years old today. Like I mentioned in my last entry, I am not feeling overly emotional about this birthday. When I started talking about my birthday this month, lots of people asked me how I was feeling about turning 40. Was I upset? Was I going to have a hard time with it? Was I sad? Am I where I thought I would be?

When I get thinking about these questions, I think - no, I am not upset about it. No, I don't think I am really having a hard time about with it. Certainly not sad about it. Am I where I thought I would be? Yes and No. The main goal I wanted to complete before I turned 40 was to get my masters degree. Check. That's done. When I set that goal, interestingly enough, I was in my early 30s, drinking like a fish. So, had you told me that at age 40 I would be a Substance Abuse Counselor and have a masters degree in addictions counseling.....I would have laughed in your face. Or maybe not. Maybe I would have felt a little more hopeful than I did at that time. 

The question I get most frequently about turning 40 is "what about kids?" At times, I get irritated with this question because I get the sense that some are insinuating that since I don't have kids that I somehow failed. Or that without children, my life could never ever be complete. Did I want kids? Yup, sure did. Five of them in fact back in the day. When I got married, he did not want kids. Never. Ever. End of discussion. I went into that marriage with the assumption that I would never have kids. The few times I brought it up, I was told that I would be a horrible mother. Although that sounds harsh, he lived with my daily drinking and all that came with it. He was right, I would have been a horrible mother at that time. 

As my life moved on from the divorce, I thought that there might be hope and time for a family. The next long-term relationship I had was for 5 years. He had 2 children from his previous marriage and I never met them. I did not want to meet them unless we were 100% serious and looking at marriage ourselves. I did not want to be in and out of children's lives. Not to mention, I knew myself well enough that I would stay in a relationship that I was unhappy with because it would hard to say goodbye to the children. Well, at the few points in our relationship that we became more serious, it just never moved forward. We could never get our priorities to align. 2 years into our relationship is when I got sober. He never really understood my drinking and really didn't understand how hard recovery was. I dove into the recovery community and once my life became more solid in recovery, I started looking at school. I felt like I kept going and growing and moving forward while he was stuck and complaining about everything. 

Since that relationship has ended, I have had no significant relationships. I have attempted to date which has been so difficult. I thought at a few different points that if I was serious about having children, I would have to really get serious about getting into a relationship. I could really never pull it together to work on a relationship. I like my life. I work a lot.  I am super busy with tons of other activities. I do what I want, on my time. The older I get, the more resistant I have become to change my lifestyle. I have also had a very difficult time with finding people who are honest. What a lot of people call "social drinking" is really not. People lie on profiles and many are so freshly divorced that they have clearly not moved on. It's difficult for me to hear only about the other person's former spouse for an entire evening. That has happened on several occasions and I feel like I am there to be a therapist more than a date. 

I wrote a blog entry a while back called "The Childless Mother". I did not post a link to it like I normally do. In it, I talked a lot about how I feel like I am still a mother despite not having children. Moving my career in this direction has afforded me the opportunity to be a mother - to nurture and care for other people. In my nursing years, I worked in long-term care, specifically in hospice and in Alzheimer's care. I cared for people who were often forgotten or very ill. I used my compassion and care to make sure there was a caring hand always close. When I moved to transplant, I felt like I lost a little bit of my connection with the direct care. Although I get to do amazing and cool things, I do this all over the phone and it doesn't have the same effect for me. 

As I moved over into the counseling field, I was back to more direct care. Being offered the opportunity in the jails has been by far the best experience for me. I do feel like a mother in that place. Most of my clients are young. They have experienced trauma. They are at an interesting crossroads in their lives and I have the honor of playing a small role in looking at doing something different. Everything is very raw, unadulterated and real. It's exhausting. But, I imagine it is a similar kind of tired that parents feel after a long day with their kids knowing that everyone has made it through the day. We all worked hard to make the special people in our lives a little better. Anyone that I come in contact with in this position is special for me. Wherever they may be in their journey, I have the opportunity to learn from them and they have the opportunity to learn something from me. 

My other special job that I truly love is being an aunt. I love those two little kiddos so much. Seeing their picture every morning as I grab my lunch makes me smile. I think of the goofy things they have said over the years. I love taking them places so that we can create memories. Obviously, the State Fair being one of the bigger joys for me. I will always love those kiddos and use whatever material instincts I have with them. 

So, today I turned 40. I brought in 40 with lots of fun with friends and will continue the celebration with family this weekend. Forty doesn't feel very different to be really honest. What I can tell you though is that at 30, I never thought I would be sober. I didn't even think it was possible or that I could do it. Today, I have the following stats:

SOBER: 08/09/2010 - 8:45am
Years:6
Days:2,361
Hours:56,678
Minutes:3,400,692

Am I where I thought I would be? No, because I didn't think that I would be sober. I have never been more grateful to be totally wrong!

So, thank you for all those who stopped by via FB, Twitter, LinkedIn, email, text and calls to wish me a Happy Birthday. I feel the love!!!

​Julie