Messes Into Missions

I got such a great message at 3 recent church services: "Address the Mess". We all have messes; I have yet to meet a perfect human being. Once I heard this topic for the next series at church at Christmas time, I really wanted to go. My current messes are pretty minimal compared to the messes of 6-10 years ago. 10 years ago, I think I started to really believe that I had a problem with alcohol. I was just too scared to consider what would need to change in order to get away. 

As I come up on my 40th birthday soon, I think back to my 30th birthday. I had a epic meltdown. I was so depressed with where my life was at that point. A few weeks after my 30th birthday, I asked my now ex-husband to move out and also asked for a divorce. So, at the time of my birthday, that's about where my life was at. I was drunk all the time, I hated where I was living, I was hating my marriage. My job was OK although I was not doing a really great job. I was working a ton of hours, more than I should have been. I was constantly stressed out about how I was going to afford to living on my own. Stress, stress, stress, mess, mess, mess. 

As I get to my 40th birthday, I realize one of the main things that keeps me from having a meltdown about it is my expectations. At 30, I thought I should have been looking at having children. I should have been sober and not struggling. I should have been happy. I should have, should have, should have. I had all these expectations about what I thought my life should be. I didn't want to admit that things weren't going well. Somehow my problems really meant that was I failure. Well, I am way over that now. The fact of the matter is....I am where I am. And, that's just fine. Is my life perfect? No. Do I still have messes? Sure. Are there things I still want? Sure. The difference now is that I know and understand the concept of acceptance. I can accept that life is not perfect. I accept that for everything I feel like I am missing, I have at least 10 things that are awesome in exchange. I spend more time now looking at the things in my life that are going right instead of wasting my energy on looking at things that are wrong. 

I just loved the message of this series. Taking our messes and making a message. When I first decided to go and become a drug and alcohol counselor, I felt this fire inside of me that I could take this story of mine and do something with it. That all the suffering I experienced under the grips of addiction would really serve a purpose and maybe help someone. Listening to this series over the past couple of weeks has awoken that sense in me again. I went to a local technical college this week to talk about my careers in nursing and counseling. There were two kids in the front that were laying down and nodding off. I take no offense to this, the average age in the room was 15. I started talking about the fact that I was in recovery and a little bit about my story. I encouraged them to ask questions which they did. When I was done with the presentation, I thought back to the days before I first went to detox. I was sitting alone in my bedroom, crying, wondering if death was the only way out of the hell I had been experiencing. I thought about going to the ER the next day with my Mom, blowing a 0.26 and being totally coherent with shocked medical personnel around me saying "this isn't right.". I remembered passing out in detox and waking up to find out I might have had a seizure related to detoxing from alcohol. Life was beyond a mess. I was really ashamed of my mess. I didn't want to talk about my mess.  All these years later, I am standing in front of teens (who I am terrified of by the way) and throwing out intimate details of the worse period of my life. And loving every minute of it. Messes in Messages. 

Eventually, as I started letting go of my shame and judgement, I realized that this whole addiction piece of my life was part of my greater story. The best way for me to release my shame is to talk about my story and use it for good. It took me some time to gain the confidence and be vulnerable. I had to admit to the things that were not glamorous. I had to be willing to accept responsibility for all of my actions, not just some. I had to be willing to admit in a very public way that I am not perfect. Very not perfect. As I learned to accept that maybe this life of hell had a purpose, it became less and less difficult to throw myself out there. Now, at 40, I feel like me. I am happy with me. I feel like I am the person that I was always meant to be. When I thought of what my life should have been at 30, I never would have imagine that this is where my life would be at 40. My messes got me here today. It wasn't an easy journey for all those years, but I can sit comfortably at 40 feeling about my journey and my place right now. 

I think as I move forward, I will continue to push myself to the next level. I am applying to be a board member for the local chapter of the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention (AFPS). I have no idea if I will get it; however, I would rather reach out right now and not get than wonder in the future if I should have tried. I am looking forward to seeing where my messes bring me next. I have a good feeling about it.....

​Julie