What I hear

It has been too long since I have taken the time to post on here. There have certainly been a lot of things going on and I am usually too exhausted when I get some to post my thoughts on the day or even the week. I thought about the fact that I am not writing as much right now. I think this is part of my self-care plan. I hope to be more attentive and get back on here and write. Sometimes just writing out what I am thinking goes a long way to see things more clearly. So, my issue of the past few months.....

Back in September of last year, I thought about pre-qualifying for a mortgage again. I have a lot of reservations, in a way, about doing this because my last experience in homeownership last time was less than stellar. The market tanked, I ended up foreclosing because my property lost 79% of the value in 6 years. The real estate lawyer I worked with on the foreclosure told me at our first meeting: "Had this been me, I would have been out years ago...." Foreclosure was a hard option. I have always paid my bills. I had always maintained my financial commits. It felt like a huge failure at the time. But the reality of the situation was something that didn't make sense anymore. I could not sell and I could not afford the variable interest rate that was about to take effect. Ultimately (this was 2010), I ended up going through 2 rounds of addiction treatment which cost me about $11,000 all together. I was able to use my housing payment to pay off  treatment. My treatment was a way better investment than that condo. It's all good. Getting over 6 and half years of sobriety for that investment. It keeps paying off every day that I stay clean.

Anyway, back to the present, I was skeptical about what I would be able to afford. Woodbury, where I live now, is unbelievably expensive to rent in. I adore my location and the apartment is not terrible. Some of my neighbors could use some work but. all in all, that is the life of high occupancy living. For what I pay in rent, surely there is a little condo/townhouse for me? I am limited on the type of financing I can get because of previous foreclosure. And the regulations are very strict and I am not even able to move money from my checking to savings right now. I got my pre-approval and started my search in February. My 60-days notice has to be put in by April 1st. I figured March would be a great time for the housing market, I could get something, close in May and have some extra time to move until I have to be out in June. Worst case scenario, I could go to a month to month lease here and continue the search. This was my wish list....here is the reality.

The interest rates started to rise which decreased the amount of money that I can spend. I was not pre-approved for at total purchase price, FHA states I can X dollars per month and I cannot exceed that. So when the interest rates go up, the amount I can finance goes down. The market is tight, very very tight. Houses are selling in less than 24 hours. I am not in a position to be able to bargain or get into a bidding war. I have just enough money to do closing costs so I could put in a strong offer. This will deplete all of my savings. Nothing that I have looked at so far is even remotely of interest. It either adds a lot onto my commute or the place has some serious issues that I couldn't afford to address in the near future. Then, I received my renewal notice for my apartment. To go month to month, it would add on $200 a month to what I already pay. I would need to tap into my savings to cover which reduces my closing costs ability or I would need to pick up more hours with my second job. I ended up working this weekend. It was so terribly that I had to call in the back up person. Money, yes? Sanity, self-care NO.

What am I to make of all of this? Depends on what I want to hear and see I guess. I started thinking last week that maybe this is my Higher Power saying "not right now." Part of me really wants to move forward and buy something. Another part of me says, you can afford the rent at a renewal for year and you will be stressing out  BIG TIME on a month-to-month. Also, the places I can afford right now are a long ways from work. Work is also an unknown at this point (although better today than last week). If Medicaid gets hit, we will take a hit at work and there is just no way of knowing what that can possibly look like. I don't think anything would happen, but very few things in life are a guarantee. If I purchased and then had to change jobs for one reason or another, I would be a stress case. I can work with my apartment manager easier than I could work with my mortgage company. If worst came to worse, it's a hell of a lot easier to break a lease than to negotiate with a mortgage company. 

I was waffling back and forth again on Friday, thinking, maybe if I did do a month to month for now, I would find something. I can work more hours at my nursing job. I earn a decent amount and I could probably commit to doing at least 1 weekend per month? Yeah, then this weekend happened. I have never had such an awful weekend on call. I could not believe what was happening. I reached out for help to the administrator on-call. She told me to PLEASE consider calling in the back up. I had not slept in over 30 hours. She was telling me that I was speaking unclearly even though I felt like I was articulating OK. I couldn't explain anything well to patients. It was not good. I called in the back-up and slept for 14 hours straight. OK, that was the clearest message, God, that you have ever sent me. If I need to depend on doing this to be able to make ends meet? Is it worth it? Does buying a house RIGHT NOW seem like the biggest priority? Is your sanity and health worth it? Thanks, God, I got this message. It's not worth it. 

While I am disappointed, I am feeling like a year from now will be a very different story. I will work to save more money so that I don't have to deplete my entire reserve and can offer more. In 8 months, I can change my financing options which will put me in a stronger position to bargain. Maybe the interest rates will stabilize in a year and not so many people will be buying in a panic because the interest rates are going up. 

I think there is a lot of value in having these moments. I believe the universe will align things when things are ready to be aligned. I have a habit of forcing things to happen when they are not meant to happen. I wasn't listening or seeing anything other than what I wanted to see. I have very strong skills to convince myself of all sorts of things if I really want it to happen. That fueled my alcoholism for 10+ years. Doing things on my time, doing every thing on my terms. Well, the famous question we ask in treatment..."How is that working out for you?" Let's see, foreclosure, divorce, addiction, misery, hospitalizations, loss of friends, stress on my family....shall I go on?

One of the things that this recovery journey has taught me in the recent year, I would say, is either you are all in, or you are all out. There is no halfway. I can't pick and choose the situations where I want my Higher Power's help. I either need it every day and in every situation or I try it all again on my own. I did that for a long time and I was so unbelievably unhappy, sad and lonely. When I trust a power greater than myself to lead the way, I am sober, happy, healthy and strong. Dealing with a little disappointment right now is nothing. I was starting to push my own desires on this situation and God came right back and smacked me in the face. I believe that is why this terrible weekend happened. It was for my own good and the message was clear. No, you are not going to push yourself to the brink. Here's what it will look like. Is that fun? Are you happy? Is this healthy?

As I am writing this all out, it reminds me of the night I started my recovery. I had been drinking all night. I was quite intoxicated as always, swearing at God for this life of mine. For a period of 5 minutes, I suddenly felt completely sober and for the first time in years, I decided that I needed help. I picked up the phone and called my mom and said, "I need help. I need treatment." After I hung up, I felt drunk again. I didn't even try to hide what was going on even though my mom was coming down to get me. I was spent. I had enough. I remember her walking in my place with bottles all over the place and the house was destroyed. "So, this is what has been going on...." It was not a judgemental statement at all, it was "finally I know the truth." What I had feared all those years with telling my family what was going on was simply not true. I was relieved too when the truth was out. I wasn't holding this terrible secret anymore. I was ashamed. My mom wasn't going to let me go there. It was always - let's get you help. And that's what she has always done for me. I know now I can be honest and open with my family because they care and they want to know when things aren't well. They want to help not be in the dark.

The other valuable lesson here for me is to listen. God does me a favor every once and while by really smacking me over the head. God knows me well enough to send me a sledgehammer when I need it. Sometimes, I do stop listening. I start to interpret things or manipulate things the way I want them to be instead of the reality of the situation. I am fortunate enough to have a lot of strong recovery people in my life. When I am starting to go down this road, I am often pulled back to the correct path through the wise advice of others who have been on this journey before me. 

My next entry, hopefully very soon, will be talking about more lessons learned about recovery and working in the field of substance abuse. I have had some clear messages there too. One being "You belong here....". 

Lots of love peeps!
​Julie