There was a blog entry that I started writing in the fall when I was still counseling full time. I titled it "I hate addiction". Honestly, I was so emotionally charged while writing it, I decided not to post it. The entry became more about my inability to accept certain things that were happening at the time. At the start of the entry, I thought I was hating addiction that day. I think I was more hating life at that point. I thought now might be a good time to circle back and think a bit more about my feelings toward addiction with hopefully a more even perspective.

I remember writing years ago about one of my first AA meetings after I enrolled in the monitoring program for my LPN license. It is important to know that I was in a very angry place when all of that went down. I wasn't grateful for much at that moment. I am sitting in a "now required by my stupid program to keep my nursing license" meeting and the guy next to me says, "Hi! I'm Tom and I am grateful alcoholic" during the round of introductions. What the hell is wrong with this guy? Who is grateful for being an alcoholic? Are you serious one because most of us hate being alcoholics? 

What took me some time to realize is that dear Tom was grateful for a couple of reasons. One, being an alcoholic is part of who he is and he has caged that beast for now and is living a good life. When addiction has dragged you into the depths of despair and sobriety starts to happen, a person starts to feel hope again. That's a powerful moment. He was grateful he survived and he was grateful for the lessons he learned in his recovery to take back his life and keep alcohol out of the picture. For a brief period in 2012 and 2013, I did feel like a grateful alcoholic. There was full acceptance that drinking was not the way to live my life anymore. I was learning SO much in recovery that everything was exciting and different. I was participating in DBT and using what I was taught on a weekly basis. Life was back. I was living and surviving it without my favorite and dangerous coping mechanism. So much to be optimistic about!

My views haven't inherently changed. I believe there is a lot to be grateful for in my personal recovery and the fact that I am an alcoholic. My recovery is now a huge part of who and what I am. I don't do it perfectly, but it's a heck of a lot better than what I would have done had my drinking continued. I have accepted that I am an alcoholic. I have accepted that long-term recovery is my life choice everyday. I have accepted what I lost because of addiction. I have accepted the changes that needed to happen to get to almost 10 years of sobriety. Acceptance is one of the key foundations of recovery whether you are in AA or not. At some point, we have to accept that we don't have all the answers and it might be time to get help. 

The struggle with acceptance is that one day I am fully accepting of most situations and things around me. There are other days that this acceptance fades and I have to make a conscious effort to get back to the place of acceptance. So, back to my previous blog post: Now that I am back in a great place with my job and still being connected the field, I feel like I can more authentically say that I still hate addiction. Let me tell you why. Addiction destroys lives. Addiction steals people's souls. Addiction almost killed me. Addiction still lives in my brain and eagerly waits for a time to shine again. Addiction wrecks families. Addiction kills. The road back from addiction is a long one and there are very few shortcuts to sobriety. Addiction exacerbates mental health issues. Addiction steals parents from their kids and kids from their parents. 23 million people are dealing with addiction on a daily basis (actively). 2 million of them have access to services. It feels like a losing battle. So many systemic issues. So much misunderstanding. So much misery. I hate that addiction is going to rise to #1 in the preventable death category soon. I hate watching my fellow brothers and sisters who are still suffering and knowing that there is only so much that I can do. 

Was this what made me leave counseling? How can I work with something I hate so much? That doesn't sound like the world's healthiest situation. There is perspective to be had here. If I view my job exclusively as fighting addiction, yeah, I am going to burn out. The outcomes of working with clients and addiction are low depending on how you define sobriety and recovery. The other perspective is looking at supporting clients to find recovery. That feels a little bit lighter and hopeful. Let me be real here, I lost that sense of hope for people in the last year I was working. The attitude was more "Oh now what?" versus "What happened and what will help you?" It's an odd thing to hate something so much and then immerse myself in addiction recovery services as a career and personal crusade. 

I hate addiction. I really do. I feel like my place in this world is to show compassion to the person. I think ALS is the most horrific disease I can think of; I would never stop loving the person who was diagnosed with it. The challenge is finding the "right way" (if there really is one) to love a person suffering from addiction. Part of that complex process is figuring out what it will take for the individual to push aside addiction for even a few moments to see the clarity of their own situation. I hated addiction in the beginning of my career and I hate it now. What I cannot tolerate from myself is losing the compassion for the person in front of me. I often felt like I was swing a sword in the dark trying to help people coming through emergency services. Watching people lie to my face about their use despite actively dying from addiction in front of me. In the beginning I didn't judge that behavior. Hell, I did it too! "Oh, I only have 2 drinks and evening." Which is true if 1 drink includes 1/3 of a liter of alcohol per drink. 

I started to judge. I made value judgments on people who were sick. I made moral judgments as well. Then, when I caught onto me doing that, I started judging the myself. What kind of clinician has such disdain for the condition she spent 2 years getting a masters degree to treat? Is all of this just making me lose my faith in humanity? Am I THAT burned out? What happened....I was so optimistic in the beginning. The great life of recovery is out there and I am going to help people see that! Yeah, well, only if they really want to. In the position that I was previously working, very few really wanted my help. I got manipulated from time to time. I got bullied by patients and family members. I got beat down. I may have been good at my job; however it came at great personal cost. 

So, tonight, I still hate addiction but love working in a treatment center with 34 individuals who are battling not only chemical dependency but also mental health issues. In my nursing role, I do not have to dive into every aspect of their lives and learn what makes them tick. I know the behaviors that come along with addiction. I still get played from time to time. I know some of my patient are full of it and have no desire to be sober. The big difference now is that their motivation and desires for recovery are not my concern. I can talk with them about either of those things, but I am not obligated to do so. I am there to assist with the health aspect of their recovery. I am there to educate about medications. I talk directly to them about addict thinking and behaviors. Most importantly, I ask every person, everyday, "How are you?" In this position I can care about the individual and show compassion without losing myself in the process. I can hate addiction and yet not be consumed by it. In a way, I am loving addiction from a distance. Addiction is going to do what it is going to do with my patients. It is not my battle to fight. I just want them to know at the end of the day that I really do care how they are doing. I can't change it - I accept that. I can only listen - I accept that. I can't make them change - I accept that. I will always have strong feelings about addiction and what is does - I need to accept that this viewpoint is not fixed, it has more fluidity as I engage, disengage and work around addiction.

I am grateful for many things now of days. I am so happy with my job. I am in my 5th month already. Time is flying by. School is plugging along. I decreased my credit load a bit which will push out my graduation date to 09/2021. My sanity is more important than overdoing a bunch of quarters to get it all done. I am in no rush to move on from where I am at. My own addiction has steadily calmed down since my change. What I am most grateful for is that I found the right connection to the field. I am still passionate. I still feel like there is something big out there for me. I hope someday I could speak professionally as public speaking is one of my favorite things to do. Or maybe teaching. Hope has been restored 100% now. I thank my previous coworkers for walking my journey with me as I sorted this out. I wasn't always the kindest or much fun to be around in those years. I miss those guys A LOT.  

Stay healthy and safe everyone!
​Jules

2020 started off with a lot of changes. I trusted the process and it has worked out really well for me. I do have to admit, I picked a hell of a time to return to nursing. However, I am so unbelievably content with where I am at now. All the things I was most worried about - income, benefits, being rusty - don't worry me much anymore. School is plugging along with 3 of my 6 general education credits completed and it' s not even May yet! If I am able to keep this pace, I will be just about finished this time next year. 

COVID has thrown a wrench into all of this. I carry some fears about being an essential worker. I am very grateful to remain employed and actually have a lot of hours available to me if I wish to work. I was furloughed from transplant which is sad for me. I know that I will be back in the future and really should be focusing on my studies anyway. Despite the uncertainty of everything right now, when someone asks, "how are you doing?", I can't help but say, "great actually". I miss seeing my family. I miss going on my outings. My house is still a mess. I wish I could do more than just wave at my neighbors. Yet, I still feel great. Feeling good is not a foreign concept for me; I am kinda surprised at feeling good right at this moment in time. 

My health issues literally spontaneously resolved within 3 weeks of my last day at SCC. Intellectually, I think I knew my job was killing me. To see the dramatic shift in my labs and even my weight has been astounding. I am, by not means, the healthiest human on the face of the earth. However, I feel like if I had contracted COVID while still in that position, I would have not been able to mount the defense that I am able to today. If I have learned anything about this COVID situation, we have to take care of ourselves so that those who have more underlying conditions have the opportunity to receive the care that they need. I hope, should I contract it, that I could manage my symptoms from home. (*fingers crossed*)

Moving back into nursing ignited something in me again. I never really stopped being a nurse since I stayed with transplant after I went back to school in 2012. Transplant nursing is different (part of the reason I love it). The nursing that I am doing now feels natural. There isn't a front being put up for anyone or anything. I know what I know. I don't know what I don't know. I have resources to figure things out. I have the utmost support from my coworkers and manager. We may not be able to change everything, but we are in it together for the good of our clients. 

I think back to the time in nursing school and being on my clinical for behavioral health. I mentioned this in a previous entry. I started thinking about why I liked it so much then and why it took me so long to realize that I needed to come back into this line of work. I do think I may have missed the calling in working with addiction recovery. My strengths are not in my counseling, they are in my nursing skills. While my previous coworkers may disagree with my take on strengths, it is hard to capture in works how hard I had to work to feel competent at my job. I don't feel that way about nursing. I have a core set of skills, I have good bedside manners, I know how to pass medications, I know how to document, I am pretty good with emergencies. I don't have to try. I know what to do. 

On the flip side of that, I know addiction. I get it. I have been there. I know it sucks to be in treatment. I know it can be hard work. I know over half the people don't want to be there. I am an "unconditional positive regard" kind of person. I like to joke with the clients, ask how their days are going and point out positive changes I have seen. I like to talk with them when they first come in and welcome them. I know how hard it is to walk through those doors regardless of how they got there. I want to be a part of the positive treatment experience so that if they need to return, they will feel comfortable in doing so. Behavioral health nursing seems to be the calling I misunderstood. I think about options after my schooling is done. I am excited about a lot of different avenues.

My biggest challenge in counseling was not taking on the client's problems as my own. I could never figure out that boundary. Part of me felt horrible (aka I didn't care) if I couldn't feel what my clients were feeling. The other part of me thought "they are thinking about you when they go home. Stop doing that." I just could not figure out where I was supposed to be on that spectrum. In my efforts to take care of my clients, I think I tried to take on their pain so they didn't have to take it home with them. I was unable to figure out how to let their problems go. I am a fixer. I am a good listener, but at some point in the conversation I will start trying to fix. That's something I have worked on hard in the past 2 years. Just listen. Sometimes that is all people really need. Well, nursing offers me the opportunity to fix. If I can't fix it, i will figure out the next best option whether that is an ice pack or calling 911. I have just about every option in between and selecting the correct intervention is where I feel like my strengths lie. I am not 100% right all the time and I am OK with that. I exercised my knowledge. 

While both positions (counseling and nursing) can be life and death scenarios, nursing does not feel as scary or as overwhelming. In counseling, I would be chasing people trying to convince them that drugs and/or alcohol needed to stop because they were going to die. Some of them did under very tragic, preventable circumstances. In nursing, the clients are coming to me. I hope that any decision I make in that moment will not cause harm or death. In those situations, I have more support, more options and I can delegate or transfer care to more specialized caregivers. I didn't have that option in counseling other than sending someone to residential care. I worked on an outpatient basis. If there was a bad session, they may never return again. If I couldn't connect with someone, there were no resources to transfer care unless it was an extreme circumstance. If my clients were not doing well, I just had to sit back and let them exercise their right to drink themselves to death. That is probably the most helpless I have felt in my life. There are times when I felt helpless in nursing but nothing ever like this. The weight of that helpless became too much to bear and the supervision I was receiving sent a clear message (these are actual quotes from my then-supervisor): "Have you ever considered that you are creating your own trauma?" "You should go back to therapy or something because whatever you are doing know isn't working." "It's time to have a talk about your self-care." I am still processing through some of that stuff. My current supervisor is the polar opposite of this and it makes me more acutely aware of how poorly I was treated. It begs the question: If I had been offered actual support, would I have made it? I guess I may never know.

Six months ago, I couldn't decide if I was struggling with a job issue or a career issue. I would say job - 30%, career 70%. I knew that with some time and distance, I would be able to more clearly see what my concerns are/were. Stepping back into nursing made me feel like I was back at home. 

Ugh. I am looking at the last time I posted and am getting behind of my postings! I can tell too; I get thinking and thinking. This blog is really my way of organizing that and letting it go. Thank you all, again for reading!

First off, general life update pre-COVID19. Leaving my job in counseling was probably the best thing I have done for myself. I am really liking my new job. My boss is easy to work with and I have fun with my new co-workers. That certainly doesn't mean I don't miss my other friends tremendously. I know that they are rooting for me and wanting me to be happy. I am so in love with being back in nursing. I am starting to wonder why I left it in the first place. That is probably a whole other both entry for some other night. In short, I was terrified to make the move. I did it. My first quarter of nursing school is done. My job is going well on many fronts and until the close down of everything, life was going pretty darn well. And it is now too, just tough with all of the unknowns around this COVID stuff.

I went on my Golden Girls themed cruise in late February. I had a rather delightful time. It was fun to share the stories of the activities. Spending time with my friends was my favorite part. I got to gamble a little, eat a ton of food, have fun sober drinks and lounge in the sun. I am not sure that I really needed much more. What has been rolling around in my head since the cruise is "community". I am going to do my best to explain this because I am not entirely what I am totally getting at with this post. I sure hope it will be clearer at the end. Yeah for writing!

There was a large LGBTQ presence on our cruise. I have been watching people post in the Facebook group devoted to our cruise about how people met lifetime friends on the cruise and everyone bonded so quickly. I noticed that the friends I traveled with made fast connections and seemed to know each other in an instant. Let me preface some of this with a bit about me. I stand at a distance. I need a lot of alone time. On the flip side, I have no problem striking up conversation, etc. etc. I talked with some people here and there in the hot tub and while sitting around soaking up the sun. I had nice conversations. As the cruise ended, though, I didn't feel like I had created a huge network of new friends. Then this word "community" kept coming to me. 

I was able to see my therapist this week despite all the distancing. I consider him essential! It's weird seeing the guy only once a month now and not being a total train wreck walking through the door. I talked this through with him and I said something to the effect of missing a community. I felt like people had bonding so quickly over a mutual experience and mutual interest.  I felt, in a way, it was like the AA community I used to be more active in. The LGBTQ community appeared to bond as quickly as I could bond at Gopher State (statewide AA conference) or an AA meeting with a fellow group of recovering addicts. We all have something in common and the connection feels strong because it is a personal part of who we are and how we live our lives. I did not, for a single moment, feel left out of anything on the cruise. I was invited along all over the place and had many great laughs with the people I did connect with. It just reminded me of something I have been missing as a whole in my life. The cruise ship life isn't really reality for the most part.

2019 was not one of the stronger years of my recovery. I suppose I could argue that and say at least my recovery survived the mess of that year. I am more thinking about how I became more distant from my community. I haven't attended AA on a super regular basis for a few years now. I actually started decreasing my attendance once I started working in the field as a counselor. My daytime was about recovery. My night time was about recovery. My work at home was about recovery. As that job permeated every aspect of my life, the last thing I wanted to do was go to a recovery meeting. What the heck? I just spent the last 100 days about nothing else besides recovery. I need a break from it. But not a big enough break where I actually lose it. 

The first two AA clubs I went to, I encountered a lot of people and connected with many. Over the years there were relapses, people who stopped coming to those specific meetings (after a while it was me) and life got in the way.  I moved in 2015 over to the east side of the cities. I had spent the previous 10 years living in Minneapolis. I knew those clubs inside and out. 2218, Mainstreeters, my Grumpy Old Man Meeting, etc. I could probably still recite most of the times of the meetings. As I moved to the east side, I haven't found the same feeling or connection with any particular group. As I was pondering all of this with my therapist, I realized, I have a problem shutting off the now well trained counselor in me. I can talk recovery. I got ideas. I got suggestions. I simply have an ear if you need it. The problem is, it looks like I have everything 100% together. I felt like I needed to do that when I was a counselor because if I didn't have my own crap figured out, how dare I sit in a chair counseling someone through their recovery? In 2019, when I could feel my recovery starting to wobble, I said very little about it. I mentioned it in therapy at times and did make it to a meeting when it was starting to worry me.

Then, of course, my therapist mentioned the word I really don't like: vulnerability. In order to immerse into any community, there is a touch of vulnerability that is required. Yeah, see, I don't like that so much. When I first entered the rooms in 2010, I was legitimately broken. I was sad. I was heartbroken. I didn't like being sober. I had the Board of Nursing in my business. I had to pee in front of a person three times a week. I could plop right down in a chair and bled my heart out. "I don't like this. I am mad", blah, blah, blah. Well, guess what happened? People came up to me after the meeting and told me, "yeah, I feel that way too." How can you not feel a connection when a person is looking straight at the heart of my sleeve and telling me how similar theirs looks to mine. I was vulnerable all the time. I couldn't stop NOT being vulnerable because it felt so damn good to know I wasn't alone. The more I talked, the more people I met. 

Since 2016, I have lost something when it comes to connecting with other people, family excluded. My friend N on the cruise with me saw it a few times. When people are a slobbering, pathetic mess (usually alcohol was involved on the cruise), they came right up to me and started telling me all of their problems. I am kinda use it now. For some reason, I must have a trustworthy face or aura or something. People I barely even know will gravitate towards me and tell me their deepest, darkest secrets. I have to admit, it's kinda weird. Some days I take it as a compliment; other days, I want to yell "you know, I have problems too." I tend to fall more to the "honored" side because I certainly understand that it takes guts to tell your secrets.

I went down the rabbit hole this past therapy session about vulnerability. What makes me so scared of it? Hundreds of people have been vulnerable with me. I think of them as stronger for it. I go back and forth a lot about what keeps me at a distance with others. It is all my own doing and, of course, the consequence is lacking strong connections with others. To quote my therapist "You spend all this time keeping people at a distance even if they try to engage you. What happens when they finally just stay away?" Well, I guess I can tell you now. There is a bit of loneliness and a bit of safety. I don't like loss. It's too painful. I keep a distance so that IF (in my mind WHEN) things fall apart, I can say "well, we weren't that close anyway."

All of this conjured up some very distinct feelings I had both my freshman year in high school and my sophomore year in college. Honestly, probably after my divorce too but I was really drunk through most of that. My freshman year in high school was great. I had friends. I fit in. I had this fresh new start at a new school. I made friends with all these cool exchange students. We went skiing. We talked on the phone for hours. I felt like I belonged (community). Then, most of friends went back to their homes. My dad had been gone for only 10 months when I realized I missed him and my friends that were bringing some joy back into my life were all gone. Even back then, I didn't cry at my dad's funeral because I didn't want anyone to worry about me (8th grade me). (Oh yeah, this goes WAY back). Fast forward to sophomore year in college. The best year of my college experience. I picked my major. I had friends. I was generally pretty happy. I was having fun. We went home after that year and I went abroad to Germany for my junior year. I really missed my family and friends. I lost my community again and was never able to establish one over there because, well, I was drunk most of the time and isolated.

Year after year, it seemed to happen in one way or another. That loss is incredibly profound to me. It fueled a lot anxiety for me as I graduated college. I kept having to find new communities, so to speak. Oh, I found one at the bar. After 10 years, this "community" bailed on me when I went to get sober. Only saw maybe 1 or 2 people every again after my first treatment out of the 20 or so I knew. Not to mention my divorce which basically validated all of my concerns about me. If I am vulnerable, you will leave. I am too hard to me around (which was actually true during this part of my life - I was usually passed out at any given hour outside of work). In the end, I am right back where I started with a broken heart.

When I walked into treatment and AA and I found my community again - maybe more so than any previous experiences. The recovery community changes often and I started to get that feeling again of losing connections and relationships. I didn't like it, so I distanced myself. Then came grad school and a new career. While I found great people in the field, I never felt like I fit there. I felt like an impostor. The people at SCC were a community to me as well and that has changed because of my own decisions. I also feel that I need to be realistic too. Life changes. Those changes aren't always a reflect of my not being or doing something. It's life. What's our favorite saying in recovery? "Learn to live life of life's terms"   

In the past few days, I have seen another type of community develop, one that I feel like I related with rather well. I have been invited to a half dozen groups on Facebook linking people to online meetings if the AA meetings were canceled. I have watched people do genuinely nice things for others during this difficult time. I have watched my friend put their lives on the line to be the front line workers of this healthcare nightmare. I have seen many posts about being supportive of other people. In the macro sense, I feel oddly comfortable with my community at large. I hope it lasts. It's the micro level that is perplexing me a bit. I am, by no means, depressed or unhappy. In fact, I haven't feel this healthy and generally "good" since about 2016. I am losing weight because I have less stress. I have more energy. I like what I doing at work and I can leave it at home. Things with school are working out great because my next three quarters are all online anyway. I have no income worries. I just picked up a full time position and have health benefit through them. I have a lot of great things going on. In the grand scheme of things, my lack of community is pretty small. I just feel I need to pay attention to it so it doesn't grow into something bigger and more invasive.

The good thing of this all is that I have some control over all of this. I have the ability to change this situation and know the appropriate places to take a shot at working through some things. As much as I would like the past to be the past, any life experience can shape us in ways we weren't expecting. 

The Promises of AA #3: This Promise tells us we should not want to shut the door on the past. When we embrace our past and learn how to see it in a new way it opens new doors for the future. “Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it.” 

Peace!
​Julie

 LifeObviously life has changed for me in the past few months for the better. Something was bothering me last fall as I was scrolling through my FB feed and other social media. If you are connected with me on FB, you know I love memes. I post one every day. I try to keep them funny. I need a laugh and so do you. So, the point of this post is not to bad mouth memes. Last fall, as I really felt down in the dumps about life, I started to become really resentful of inspirational memes, recovery memes excluded. Memes like the ones above really mad me angry and think about leaving social media all together. Wow, that's a pretty strong response to people trying to post motivational things and provide hope, isn't it?

Inspirational quotes are a good thing which is part of the reason I was confused about reading one casually and thinking "Yeah, screw you". What happened? Now that life is moving in a different direction, I just love these quotes about how attitude can change everything! It can! I am so happy now. life can be summed up in less than 20 words! Last fall, that was not the case. I was miserable and sad. In my mind, I was thinking that I tried to change my attitude and it didn't work. I tried to find the positive and find something to grateful for each day. I wanted to feel better and just could not. When I would read "this too shall pass" (a rather favorite quote of mine), I would start foaming at the mouth. What happened? Why be so testy about being positive? Today, I am all for it. Yup, attitude makes a difference. Controlling your reactions is really important. Tell me something motivational.

Here's my simple answer. I didn't feel validated when I read these memes when life was not going the way I wanted it. I felt judged; like some how, in addition to being self conscious about my place in the world at that moment, I was also failing myself by not thinking happy enough thoughts. When I was at my crafting retreat in December, the staff had a morning devotional and encouraged us not to judge other people. For instance, someone that sped by at a dangerous speed on the freeway might have just found out that their child is dying. The person that is always grumpy might be suffering from depression. I get that concept. One of my fellow retreaters commented that, sure, I can try to appreciate what another person is going through, but what about if they are doing harm or causing more disturbance. Are we supposed to sit by and "try" to understand that they lack the ability to be safe? No, of course not. I have a suspicion that she felt like I felt when life was summed up into a neat little piece of advice. Nice advice, but there are times when that is just not what can be done. There were simply times that thinking about my life more positively was not going to cut through the toxicity of the environment. 

The challenge of an addicted mind is the overt black and white thinking that takes over. I think as we age we also tend to become more rigid about things as well. I have a certain way I like to do things. I don't like to have huge disruptions in that part of my life. So, as I was going through the 2019 year of hell (in my humble opinion), I was looking at each of those memes in a black and white sense. As I commented on in earlier entry, I wasn't taking good care of my recovery. Black and whiting thinking is first red flag I can usually identify when things are not going very well. I would see a meme about creating peace in your life. I would interpret that as "you are creating your own mess. Get a better attitude." Yes, I play a role in all of my interactions and my relationships in life. However, there is a point at which I can have the best attitude there is nothing that is going to change the level of misery I am experiencing. Some time having a great attitude isn't going to cut it. A change might be necessary. Attitude is a part of it, but not all of it.

I searched blogs about changing careers and leaving the field of counseling. I read a lot about burnout. And while I probably drove myself pretty hard in counseling, I was pushed farther and farther beyond my breaking point because of the environment I was in and the duties of my job. I was stuck in a situation of no consistency. My self-esteem was attacked on a near daily basis. Things like "you should get back to counseling because whatever you are doing isn't working right now." This was in response to me having slipped on ice and hitting my head in the parking lot. I was being blamed for falling because my self care was not good enough. Sadly, that is not even the worst of it. I was in an abusive environment and I knew it. So I saw these memes wondering if there was anything I could do to make it better. You know, "don't take it on!" "It says more about them than you!" "Let it go!" Yeah, yeah, yeah. If that was even remotely helpful, I would have been still be there. 

During the week that I was getting close to putting in my notice, I read a blog entry about when it is time to move on from a job. I did a blog entry around then about the pros and cons of where I was at. I knew that the cons were piling up and I needed to pull the trigger at some point. What I read in this blog was so validating. "Top 10 things you can do when you are deciding to make a change." #4 - Stop read`ing the internet memes about how the angst and genuine unhappiness in your current situation is somehow your fault for not thinking positively enough. The heavens opened and the light was shining in. When I would see these really great quotes, deep down I was feeling shame that my efforts to employ these reasonable skills didn't work. I guess that means I am kind of a failure on some level. 

The article offered some suggestions about reading materials about change and stop looking at articles about trying to make a dysfunctional environment work. In essence, in order to continue to limp along in that environment, I would have to start slowly giving away pieces of myself. Often times, I found myself playing games to keep the peace or to avoid conflict that wasn't even warranted. I slowly decreased giving my opinion. I would change my opinion on a dime to agree so that things would not erupt. I was working all the time to figure out the mood of day while strategically deciding what I could or could not do. That, ladies and gentleman, is the definition of living with addiction. If you are a family member, friend or spouse to an addict, you know exactly what I just described. I was changing my whole life to "adapt" to an environment that I could not possibly adapt to or predict. There was nothing any inspirational meme of the day could offer me that would change this management.

Once I started to shift my focus on "staying" to "changing", the anger I felt subsided some. I had to recognize that, in general, at a 10,000 foot level, inspirational memes are generally decent guidelines to strive for. Work on releasing anger. This too will absolutely pass. Your attitude does have an impact. However, a statement with 10-12 words is not going to address my need in that moment for change. It may serve as a good reminder in other areas of my life, but there is absolutely no need to apply some of those quotes to my life in certain moments. For the record, I was not always the best employee. I tried my best and like any other human being, I fell short at times. There were other times when I went above and beyond too. So in the grand scheme of things, I think I averaged out to be pretty decent. Pretty OK is not enough for me. I don't need to be the top of any field or anything really. I need to feel comfortably confident. And not confident in a prideful kind of way. Just a feeling of knowing that I am competent and good at my job. My job/work is #3 on the list of that which is more important to me. (#1 Recovery, #2 Family). 

Now I am back reading these same memes thinking, "yeah, good advice." Ha. It's easier to think about being happy when you're actually happy. I know from my DBT training that the worse thing I can do when I am feeling down is to find something to feed that feeling. It a weird way, these positive posts were feeding me negatively because of the way that I chose to interpret them. To be real, I was feeling like a failure on some level. Why couldn't I just "get over" some of the things that were said to me? Why wasn't I able to just leave work at work? Why couldn't I figure out how not to burn out? I can ask questions all day long. What I have learned out of 2019 is that those answers are not going to matter. Even if I could figure it out, I would have to adapt in a way that is not possible for me to do. What it all came down to is that no matter what the reason, I just could not do it. I didn't fail. I didn't succeed. I tried and I didn't fit into that mold. As much as I tried to jam myself into that mold, I would start to get angry and uncomfortable. There were parts of me that I was not going to change. I will not change with regards to caring for patients or clients. I am not able to not take feedback personally if it is offered in such a manner as to purposely swipe at my ability to make decisions. I won't change those things and I cannot, therefore, choosing a new environment is the answer, not a better attitude.

In early fall 2019, I sat in my therapist office after a particularly bad week. I rushed through all the details of the week, becoming angry as I spoke it. "I just need sit here and shut up because whatever I am doing is not working. Tell me what I should do." I crossed my arms and sunk back in the chair and stared at him. He said nothing. He jotted down a few notes, then set his pen and paper down on the ground. He looked right at me and said, "this job brings out the worst in you." My initial response was to be upset. The whole "what's wrong with me? I am not the problem here" gig. I thought about what he said for about 2 weeks. I started to notice, the parts of me I like least were coming out tenfold. I was irritable. I was annoyed. I was angry. I was stuck in black and white thinking. I was being reckless with recovery. I was depressed. I was inconsistent with work attendance. I was complaining all of the time. I was on edge. Yeah, he was right. This job was bringing the worse out of me with the worst thing being: I was losing hope. Now, whether that was strictly a work environment thing or the actual work, it's hard to say. What I do know is that I still love working with recovery, just at a bit of a distance. 

Currently, I have a job where the best is brought out of me. I have not missed a day of work in 6 weeks (I was averaging 4-6 days a month previously). I ask every client I see how their day was. Often they will ask me back. "Actually? I am great. Thank you for asking." Tonight a client asked why I was great. "Because I feel like myself again." He probably thinks I am nuts. Most of them do because I like to be goofy and fun. They are doing a lot of serious work while they are there. When I see them during their free time, I would like them to smile a bit or at least know that I really do care how their day was. I care because I was once there too. I know the heartache of being there. I know what they are asked to do to get better. I understand their fears of the time after treatment. I think that helps me to be a good nurse in the behavioral health field. I am there to be of help. I will provide the help that I can. And, when I punch out at night, I know that they are in good hands.

Now, I guess it's back to scrolling through my feed and being OK with the motivational memes of the day. I now know to keep in mind that no one quote is going to ever address every need of every situation. Back to living in the gray. I am grateful tonight to be back in a situation where the best parts of me are brought back out. I smile more. I engage more. I get to work. I do good work. I come home happy. 

Peace,
Julie

Usually I write blog post around my birthday. I love birthdays. Holidays are great; however, to me, a birthday is a special day for each person. I don't care so much anymore about what age I am. I am finding as I grow older, age is just a number. For the record, I am 43. Last year, I was just coming back from New York after my birthday and was super crabby about coming home. I posted a meme about "42" from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy:

Deep down I was hoping for a really good year as 2018 had its series of difficulties for me. I also think a part of me knew that I was going to be making some really big decisions in this year. Honestly, I had no idea I would end up where I did. Let's explore.

At the beginning of 2019, I wanted to work in corrections. I missed working with the women in the jail. I have some of my best memories from down there. I felt like I did really good treatment there. I felt like I made a difference. I had been out of the jail for about 6 months and I was really missing it. I didn't care for the job I was in. I was pulled in so many directions with no consistency. When I asked for it, things got worse. I was starting to play both sides of the fence. That got me in trouble a lot because both sides had a lot of meetings together and it was clear I wasn't on anyone's side when it all came right down to it. So, I suddenly see a job posting working at a medium security prison. A treatment case manager position that would help inmates secure transfers to treatment and sober living upon release. I was so excited. This sounded amazing - no groups, no individuals....case management.

I was recommended, as long as I was looking, to start applying elsewhere too. "You never know!" I got the interview at the prison and just about jumped out of my skin. The interview went amazingly. Then the calls started coming in en masse. I was scheduled 2-3 interviews every Monday and stopped finally at 8. I got offers for 8 out of 9. Guess which one I didn't get....the prison. (As a total side note, it sounds like I dodged a bullet with this one anyway, but I was still disappointed before I knew that.) Anyway, with this process, something changed. After April, when all of the offers were declined and I decided to stay, I was more unhappy than ever despite the fact that I made the decision to stay.

Fast forward to 2020: I cross-trained at another clinic today within the system that I work. I work at an all men's facility part-time right now. I cross trained at a methadone clinic for some extra hours. I had NO idea what this was going to be like. They were flexible shifts and a bonus per shift to do this. (Man I missed nursing with bonuses and shift differentials,) I thought, "why the heck not? The worse is that I say after Day 1, no thanks. I am not bound by anything." My current nurse manager made me write down on a post-it note: "I will not let them poach me for their clinic. CR likes me better and I will stay here." I laughed and obliged. I scheduled myself for 3 days of orientation. I have never done anything like this and thought that 3 days was a little skimpy. However, on day 2, they offered me a full-time position. I let them know I was not interested in a full-time position; they came back and offered me a part-time position. I told them that my Nurse Manager was not going to let me be poached and I wrote a "contract" with her saying as much. The shift lead said "you just smile all the time and you are so good with the clients. Are you really sure you don't want to come here? You look happy." 

Now, that is not something I have heard in a long time. The latter half of 2019, I was approached by several different people at work on several different occasions asking if I was OK. "You look sick." "Wow, you look so tired." "Do you feel OK?" I would go and look at myself in the mirror during a bathroom break and I would just look at myself and say "yikes, I don't look good." I even have a good before and after picture to illustrate my point. The first photo is from mid-2019 and the second was the weekend after my last day:

Can you tell the difference? I added the stars to the top one to make me sparkle a little bit for a facebook profile photo. I look like the life has been sucked out of me. The current picture, yeah, I am grayer and I still have circles under my eyes, but I look alive and have some excitement in my eyes. I felt very alive and present that day too. So, the lead nurse was right. I do look happy but it's not because of working at the clinic. It's just how I am right now.

I smile at every client I work with at both places. I ask how they are and make small talk. They find me to be "really nice" and "don't mess with her though..." which is important to me. That's about boundaries. It's not that I wasn't nice to my previous clients. I just didn't have the energy to be "happy" or look happy. I don't even have to try right now. My default mode is smiling. Saying Hi to strangers and make small talk with cashiers. I really missed this part of me. I like talking to people. I like having friendly interactions. With all the chaos and negativity in the world, do we really even know what a simple smile can do for someone? Or treating each other with a little respect? God, I missed "this". Whatever "this" is defined as. Maybe it's just me being me or me being happy and doing more positive things. I don't know. I used to have it, I lost it and now it's back. 

So, what's the difference? I hear similar comments now that I had previously. Currently, I am being offered possible promotions, full-time hours, more hours, more perks....I have been there for 3 weeks. My nurse manager said "they are going to see what I saw and try to steal you. Absolutely not." The difference right now seems to be the genuineness that I feel when they say these things. I believed it from my previous co-workers, but not from management. The positive feedback that I got seemed rare at that level and often felt forced. I would hear "good job" but I rarely believed that. I don't feel like I sought a lot of approval from management and at the same time I really needed it. When I critiqued about every move I made, I stopped knowing what move to make. Make the same move on two different days and the reactions would be total opposites. "I did this worksheet with a client....." Way to think outside the box, what a great idea! The next day, why are you doing that in session, that should be homework. I started to feel that the tables would turn in order to maintain a level of control. I began to develop serious self-doubt. It's still lingering right now, although it is falling to wayside more quickly than I would have thought.

I am back where I feel good. I am not the best nurse in the world, but I am a damn good nurse. I am smart and capable of a lot. To be recognized so rapidly in this environment has been almost shocking. I spent the first year of my last position wondering which day of the week they were going to fire me. I didn't even decorate my office the first year because I literally thought everyday was going to be my last. It slowly got better as I gained more skill in my craft. However, it never got as good as it is right now after being with my current employer for 3 weeks. I feel heard and appreciated. I got up at 4:00am for three days in a row this week and didn't really mind (WHAT?!?!). I had a great experience at the methadone clinic. I will continue to pick up a few shifts here and there. I was back back at my facility today for a staff meeting and I was greeted like they hadn't seen me in 10 years. "You're home!" I have been there....seriously....three weeks. 

 Additionally, I accepted a position on the Board of Directors for a local non-profit. I feel like a serious grown-up here. I had a meeting on Monday night and was so energized by the ideas around the table. I will have the opportunity to participate in some things I really love to do like public speaking. I will take a couple of hours a month to help support this non-profit I very much believe in. Had this opportunity come any earlier, I would have had to decline because of a lack of energy and will. That would have been sad. Several of the board members commented after I introduced myself  with "WOW. What haven't you done. You are a great addition." 

So, the biggest difference is how I feel about myself within my job situation. I will never change. My job is a huge part of me and my identity. I have been counseled about this and warned about this; however, my purpose in life is work. I often call myself the childless mother. I have that innate motherly instinct to take care of others. Because I don't have children, I put most of my energy into work and put that instinct/desire to good use. It's when the balance is lost and my job takes over everything is when I get in trouble. I know that now - very clearly in fact. Today, when I shut down my station at the clinic, I chatted with a couple of folks for a few minutes, hopped in my car and started to think about what I was going to write in my blog. I thought about successes in my day for a few minutes and leave the "not so successful" moments behind just as quickly. (An example....changing out a methadone bottle and spilling it all over the place.....ugh! They told me that is their version of hazing. Everyone does it at some point. Glad day 3 was the day for me.)  Anyway, I just don't take it home. It is the most freeing thing I have experience in a long time. 

So, while year 42 was pretty rough, in a lot of ways, what I posted for my birthday meme was true. 42 - the answer to life, the universe and everything. The answer was to get my life back, put my universe and relationship to it back in place and watch everything change. Year 43 has great promise thus far. So, here's to many more days of random smiles and a balanced life. I am super, crazy busy; it's MY kind of super crazy busy that brings me great joy.

Peace,
​Julie

There's an ongoing joke in the world of AA about substance addiction. "I hate the way things are! I also hate change!" While most of us smile or giggle a bit when we hear that, I know I had been stuck in that rut for many years. When I got out of treatment the first time, my sponsor at the time quoted the above saying, "If nothing changes, nothing changes." One thing I have learned about myself in recovery, if I get testy, annoyed or angry about something said to me, it's because whatever it is.....it's true. My brain can be pretty stubborn, especially when addiction is rolling around activated because I am not working some part of my recovery.

I thought about this saying a lot in my last few months of my decision making process to change jobs. It was strange how similar the process was about leaving my job and deciding not to drink again. In both situations, I was really concerned about what my future was going to look like. Without drinking, was life even possible? I knew life beyond my job was possible, I just wasn't sure I was ever going to find the mix of people I worked with and a similar opportunity in the future. With treatment, I was a voluntary admit. I made that decision to go in. I was terrified and feeling so ashamed of myself. I panicked and pushed through. I had a moment of clarity and jumped on whatever that intervention was to look at something different. I labored about this decision to leave my job and then one day, actually one email threw me over the edge. I jumped on that moment of clarity and resigned the very next day. 

I mentioned a few weeks ago that I wasn't really taking good care of my recovery. It's a weird concept to look at active addiction when a person isn't using. I think my addiction gets super aggravated by stress. I read nightly about what the symptoms of chronic, long-term stress looked like. I knew my health issues were related to stress. I knew that my mental health decline was due to stress. I kept reading all of this blogs and articles about the anxiety, depression, lack of motivation and practical inability to function which results from prolonged stress. I check every box of every quiz about symptoms or experiences. Yet, I pushed on and on because change is hard. And scary. And ironically, stressful. 

Here are some of the health signs I found about chronic stress: 
*Low energy.
*Headaches.
*Upset stomach, including diarrhea, constipation, and nausea.
*Aches, pains, and tense muscles.
*Chest pain and rapid heartbeat.
*Insomnia.
*Frequent colds and infections.
Check, check, check, check, etc. I had all of these. These issues then turn into the emotional symptoms of chronic stress:
*Feeling you can't get things done.
*Moodiness.
*Anxiety.
*Restlessness.
*Lack of motivation.
*Irritability.
*Sadness or depression.
Again, check, check, check, check, etc. 

What does addiction look like for me when I am not drinking? I focused on this for the first 2 years of my recovery because I have to admit, addiction is a sneaky bastard. There are little shifts here and there. Suddenly, I just walked 10 steps closer to the liquor store before I realized it.
*Irritability - This isn't just crabby, this is aggressive and mean
*A Clinical Case of the F-Its - I don't care, I don't want to care, why bother, this sucks, everything sucks
*Thinking about drinking and if I could get away with it. Normally if I think about drinking, that is something fleeting and I let go of it right away. "Wow it would be fun to have a beer, but no - Diet Pepsi please!" When addiction is active for me, I jump on that bandwagon and actually start to think in more detail about if I could really do that. I went to visit a friend last week and we both talked about how we thought about relapsing as a way to get out of our jobs. That folks, is addiction thinking and it's not good.
*Disregard for Values: One of my absolute favor things about recovery was finally getting in touch with the things that were important to me. I got an assignment after being sober for 7 months. "List your values." OK. Um family - I dig them. Work - I need money and something to give me purpose. That is all I could come up with. My therapist and I did some major work around this and by year one of consistent recovery, I knew exactly what was important to me, what my boundaries were and what I could no longer compromise on. When addiction is alive and well, I start to disregard these things. First the shifts are subtle, letting cleaning go, not caring about what time I showed up to work. Then the disregard evolved into lying by omission to others about where I was at. I developed a lot of absenteeism from work. The addict part of my mind just said "people are gonna freak if you are honest....so don't." I didn't. I stopped valuing my recovery. Boom. Danger Zone. Red flags. 

That's what it looks like to white knuckle sobriety. I am not happy about much. I am not grateful about much. I stopped caring about the things that mean the world to me. I convinced myself to isolate when I know the opposite is what I need. I thought about giving up recovery because "it's hard and I don't like it..." (so says my addict brain). I was becoming so short-tempered and angry all the time. I could barely stand myself. I think this is one of the reasons I tried to sleep so much. No thinking. Yet, dreaming was an issue too. I was dreaming about all sort of shenanigans to get into trouble. No rest for the weary I guess.

Fast forward to today. Wow. I have been more socially active in the past 3 weeks than the prior 5 months. I am working less hours, earning the same amount of money. I ACTUALLY HAVE TIME TO TAKE CARE OF ME. I have still not perfected what I need to take care of me. I do know that everything above isn't it. I returned to recovery readings. I have re-connected with some AA buddies. I have started to breath again. I am shedding fear and taking on a huge change. It has paid of 10,000 fold for me. I feel like my previous job and state are now year ago. As I mentioned in my last blog, I am still holding on to some resentments. That will just take some time to heal. When I go into work, I am  not tortured or anxiety ridden. My commute is 10 minutes and I am home in a flash. I have the energy to do something after work, not crawl immediately into bed and not sleep for 8 hours. I was truly unaware that this change would have this level of impact on my life. It was terrifying. It was exciting. Three weeks in, I am happy to say it was totally worth it. I miss my work family a ton. I will maintain those friendships the best I can. They are important people to me. 

When I was in counseling, I often told the people that I worked with that some of the best amends are you living a good life. I think about how my family was so relieved and happy when I started to get into recovery. I wasn't so sad anymore. I wasn't unhappy. I wasn't changing jobs every 2 minutes. I was focused and available. I wasn't in the hospital, the psych ward or the detox centers anymore. There was no need to worry about me the way they had in the past. I think anyone that knows me and cares about me would agree: The only thing people have ever wished for me is a good life and happiness. Because my hope is returning, along with my energy, I feel like I am on the fast track to getting back to my values and my happiness. I am not fighting with myself anymore. I am not thinking about drinking anymore. I am ready to be brave and try things I haven't done before (like chemistry ugh). 

I don't think changes have to be as big as the one I recently made to have a huge impact on one's life. I saw how little changes brought me back to a place of guilt and shame. Little changes can be so helpful to starting to turn in a different direction. Say something nice about yourself. Tell yourself that you are successful (because you are!!!). I have been told on more than one occasion that I am my own worse critic. I am exceptionally hard on myself which has contributed to a significant loss of confidence. Each day of the last 3 weeks, I have made some steps to gain that confidence back. I am so tremendously happy to be back in nursing. Things are falling into place and I am feeling like I am in a place to be grateful for it. I started praying again. I have located a new church that I would like to try. I have reconnected with my recovery community. I am getting rigorously honest about where I was and where I want to go. My God, this feels amazing. Sometimes, I am just no aware of how bad things had become until I step away. 

Wishing everyone a great February!
​Julie 

There is a lot of chatter around the areas of emotional intelligence these days. I had to look up what the components of emotional intelligence were for something else and it got me thinking. The five components of emotional intelligence are self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skills. In a way, I wish I had read a little bit more about this a while ago. Part of me knows, however, that I would not have been in a place to see what I am seeing now. While I certainly had empathy (to a fault) to offer and generally decent socials skills, I was (and probably still am) lacking in the area of self- awareness and self-regulation. Motivation is one that is slowly returning and I think I have the career shift to thank for that. Let's break this down.

EMPATHY: The ability to be understand other people's emotions. Yup. I can do that. I think in the past 5 years I found out the level of empathy I have. While it is a source of strength, it was likely my biggest downfall in attempting to be a counselor in the field. The emotions I experienced in my own addiction and subsequent recovery were intense. No other way to say it than that: Intense. Intense enough to attempt to take my own life to make it all stop. Intense enough to drink a liter of alcohol a day, every day, non-stop for almost 10 years. My despair was so intense at the end of my active use that I had lost hope. Hope is a funny thing to me. I say it all the time. I hope people are well and had a great day. I hope that I can be a decent human being. I hope you are enjoying my blog. What does that mean? For me, it means "future" and "desire". When I lost hope that I could not possibly live outside of my addiction, my world almost ended. There was no sunshine. I didn't care if you had a good day. I didn't care about anything other than finding a way out. Hope is powerful. Hope is the foundation of tomorrow. When dealing with active addiction in other people's lives, what I grabbed onto most was their sense of hope. I don't want people to ever feel what it is like to live without a sense of hope or promise of a new day. I would sense on a scale of 1-100 where a person was in their hope for change or for themselves. If they were in the 10-20s , I would struggle to find a way for them not to feel that way. If there were at 100, I had a good day too. That's the struggle in working directly with people. We need to have some empathy, sympathy even. The whole counseling thing just really showed me something about my ability to empathize with people. I can do it, but I have to be careful too. I haven't figured out how to keep free of taking on the problems as my own. Deep down, I just don't want you to ever feel the way that I felt all those years ago. I was scared, ready to leave the earth and void of anything that matter. I would give my heart for another person not to experience this. Because of this, I needed to return to nursing (more on that in a bit).

MOTIVATION: To be willing to make the effort to remain well informed and work for continuous improvement. Everything I mentioned in the previous section zapped all of this out of my life. I was no longer interested in getting better at anything. I was struggling to just stay afloat. What I didn't like about myself in the past year or so was going back into seclusion. I broke plans with others. I crawled into bed every night the minute I got home. I was late for work. I was unmotivated to do anything on weekends. I wish I had known that I was not going to be able to moderate my empathy back when I started this journey into counseling. My motivation can wax and wane on its own without a lot of intervention. One day I am slug, the next day, my house has never been cleaner. One day I am ready to write a book, the next thing I know, I hadn't written a blog entry in over 4 months. Under prolonged stress, my motivation is the first causality. Toward the end of my time in counseling, I was just struggling to find the motivation to get out of bed. I've been there before. I am not interested in being back there. I have too much good in my life to watch it pass by from the confines of my bed.

SELF-AWARENESS: Hmmmm....I would say that I am a solid half and half on this one. I can read a room. I can sense how others are processing information. I know that I can be loud and crass. I know that I will avoid like the plague if something is making me uncomfortable. So, a good portion of the time, I think I have reasonable self awareness. The kicker, though, is that I am also incredibly impulsive. Despite having some self awareness, I just push right through that "now is a good time to hold your tongue" thing and state my opinion. Part of my motivation for certain action is based in my emotional responses to the situation. In most situations, I will just engage and be aware of how I am holding myself and what my physical responses are. It's not nice to yawn in someone's face, for instance, even if the topic is of little interest. It is obviously a source of passion for this person and I want s/he to have the space to talk about it. On the flip side of that, hit me with certain topics and I am suddenly a tornado of dynamite coming your way. I have been known to be explosive at times, aggressive, passive aggressive (an upper mid-western trait amplified by 100) and, at times, kinda stupid. The struggle for me is that I am not quite sure what those triggers are all of the time. I know a few hot button topics for myself. Other times, I am just as surprised as you are that I am losing my mind about something. In conclusion, I am self-aware enough to know that I am not self-aware enough to keep in all together. I have to imagine I am in some sort of normal category here.

SELF-REGULATION: Ummm....can we skip this one? Ugh. Self-regulation is difficult for me. It has been a struggle in sobriety for sure. The first year of my recovery, I was angry. I was mad. I was annoyed. This whole "live sober" stuff was bullshit in my eyes. "If I am going to feel this way, I should just drink." It was around 6 month marker of sobriety that I started DBT. You know what makes an angry person even more irritable? To be told that they lack the ability to self-regulate and are defensive/angry. I remember when my therapist then and my current therapist told me that I was defensive and argumentative. "I AM NOT! HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? [Insert random insult here]" Oh, wait. I suppose that is what you are talking about huh? My current therapist was shocked when I stood up and walked out when he said that about a year ago. "I wasn't sure you were coming back. I was right though." Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was right. My reaction, though, is that emotional regulation piece that has been so challenging for the past couple of years. When I lack the motivation to get out of bed, what strength do I have to regulate my emotional state? I had little to give. I pulled together what I could to be regulated in front of my clients. At any other given moment, my emotional state was going to be right on my sleeve, in the raw, unpleasant form that will be evident as soon as I open my mouth. Even when I told myself, "no getting into this or that, be kind and gracious today," it rarely happened. I think I will always lack in this area. DBT help me come a long way in terms of calming down for a second or two before I react to something. Under prolonged stress and an ill-fitted work environment, I am rendered incapable, on any level, of regulating my emotional state. I feel like I am crawling back to a more normal state, though, with keeping my emotions in check now.

SOCIAL SKILLS: I tell people often that I can play both sides of the fence and can be quite charming. In the career world, I have used this to my advantage frequently. I have quickly been identified for promotions and positions because of it. What I have talked about in previous blog entries, though, is that playing both sides of the fence starts a process of me losing myself in playing the game and forgetting I had an opinion to begin with. I don't feel this happens as strongly now as it used to. I am a good person to take to any social event. I can strike up conversations with just about anyone. I am not shy. I can make conversation about many different things. I try to use my powers for good and not evil. I can handle most personalities. I may be screaming inside "SHUT UP" but will continue to converse and remain social and engaged. The benefit of having social flexibility is that I meet all sorts of people in all sorts of different ways. I am genuinely interested other people's experiences. I think people, in general, are really interesting. I have always love multicultural classes and discussions. I like to see different viewpoints and experiences. I want to know why people think the way that they do. So, social skills, I am set here. Yeah me. Go team.

With all of this said, January has been quite the roller coaster. My therapist warned me that my initial excitement about making a transition will fade at some point and some more hostile emotions may start to surface about my experiences over the past 5 years. My response was, can these hostile emotions be any worse than what I was already experiences while I was there? He responded, "resentments". Well, thank goodness I have a whole entire 12 step program to deal with those. I won't be able to see him as often as I was for the past year so, I will be engaging in more community based supports. The timing is good for that. Anyway, he is right, I am started to feel some of my resentments surfacing. 

I am content with my new job. I have been well received. I have used most of my emotional intelligence as defined here to seamlessly engage in a nursing department. Here are a few things I have noticed since returning to nursing in behavioral health field. 1. I can take feedback. I am in training right now and I am not doing everything perfectly. Yet, I get the feedback, say "great, will do" and move on. I was so defensive and angry before, I wasn't sure if I could take feedback (good or poor) anymore. I fear rejection more than anything. My mind will tell me that "feedback = rejection" so I bob and weave to avoid it if I can. It's a fear that has legitimately held me back from my full potential. I am working on it though. Now, fortunately, I am having the experiences in which I can take constructive feedback, use it and move on. Whew. This is relieving for me. 2. I have a defined role with perimeters that are more clearly focused. This is a really fancy way of saying "I leave my job there." I have a series of tasks to complete. I have the skills to address issues outside of those tasks. At 10:30pm, I hand the keys to the next shift and call it good. I am not on for 4 days now and I am not going to be thinking about work. Finally. 3. My nursing side is a bit more cold and clinical and I like it this way. It is not that I don't engage with people warmly. It's not that I don't care. In any given moment, I am there to assess and determine an intervention to address the situation. The patient is sitting in front of me because they need or want something. They may not get what they want, however, they were given the explanation for the response and I am done. I have firm boundaries. I care but only to a certain point. I took more abusive behaviors from my counseling patients than I ever have from my nursing patients. I think because I was so emotionally fragile towards the end of my time in counseling, I just straight up believed that I deserved the disrespect I was getting. The confidence I have in nursing allows me to understand and enforce my limits. I never felt like I could do that in counseling without being accused of not being person centered, compassionate or "cold". 

My number one resentment is this at the moment: I haven't been in direct nursing since 2009. I stepped into my current position with a 10 year lapse in doing what I am doing today. I have trained for 6 shifts and they are ready to release me on my own. I feel comfortable with that too. I felt like I had a natural affinity for counseling. I thought I was pretty good at it. Yet, here I am, in a totally different capacity, thriving and feeling good about where things are at in less than 2 weeks. Why could I not find this confidence and comfort in something I actually pretty decent at? Why did I feel so broken for so long? Did I let my job/management get the best of me? I was repeatedly told by my superiors that there was something wrong with me because I clearly couldn't deal with the stress of my job. Was it really me? Did I fail? Am I really too empathetic? Am I really that emotionally dis-regulated? As I am writing this, I feel like a 5 year old kid on the playground seeking acceptance from my peers while secretly hoping they say what I thinking. "No, you are fine! It wasn't you, it was "[insert any excuse here]". 

In the world of 12 steps and dealing with resentments, I have to be clear about what my resentment is. I have to define the role of the other person AND my role in it. My defensive, angry side does not appreciate this part of the assignment at all. You should have watched me go through this when talking about my divorce! Wow....you mean there ARE two sides and I played a role too? Never. I was perfect. Anyway, I have also have to decide if I am willing to resolve this resentment. The answer is a clear "no" for me right now. I am not willing, yet, to do the work around it. I need some time to sit with my changes for a bit longer. I need to get a bit more distance between myself and what happened over the past couple of years. I plan to talk at my next session about secondary trauma and how this plays out in a person's life. I believe that I absorbed a lot of trauma from my experience in counseling. What I felt like I took home night after night was trauma. My boss told me at one point that the way I presented cases in staffing was traumatizing staff and re-traumatizing myself. In reality, I was just talking about what happened. Sadly, I was also seeking support that this was a typical response from my management there. "You have issues with their experiences. If you can't deal with it, something is wrong with your self-care/you." So, this resentment is pretty strong right now. However, with time and space, I will work through it. 

Wow, this has become a long entry. If you are still reading, thank you.
​Julie

I have always told people that the name of my first book is going to be "Hugging a Tornado". I planned to talk about my story and what it must be like to love an addict like me. I moved at 200 mph, wrecked a hole bunch of stuff and people still stuck around knowing that I might strike again at any time. I was thinking about that today as I was running around getting some stuff done today. I feel like 2020 has been kind of like a tornado, but not quite. More of a whirlwind of changes and motions that has me quite amazed with only being 13 days into the new year.

I started the orientation for my new job. It's an orientation that I have been through many times: ethics, boundaries, payroll, etc. The room had a good energy even though I was the only one in my room that was completing orientation for my specific site and I was the only nurse starting. During orientation, I found out that they have a contract with Rasmussen and offer 10-20% off of tuition. Wow. That's huge. I just have to send in a copy of my first pay stub and the discount starts immediately. I wasn't expecting that! I was talking with the HR rep about the location I am going to and she said that people rarely leave that facility. She was excited that I was willing to take a part-time position. She knows the staff well and felt like I was going to be a great match for them. They may be expecting a retirement down the line. Regardless, it says something about the facility when people rarely leave! Yeah!

Right before the Christmas Holiday, I was approached about possibly serving on the board for a local treatment facility. I was totally shocked. I have known the owner of the facility for about 7 years now. He was actually one of my first supervisors when I was interning. We have always had a lot of mutual respect for each other and it has now led to me serving on the board. I feel very honored to bring my expertise to the team. They are really excited I can type and volunteered to take notes at the meetings going forward. Ha! The board was excited about my experiences both with nursing and behavioral health. I have a lot of knowledge about treatment, insurance, aging populations and I love public speaking. I am honored to be considered and accepted tonight at the meeting. 

I started looking at a contract position with a local case management company. I was super excited on Friday after speaking with the CEO of the company. I got word today that they could not take me for the position because it requires an RN (vs LPN) per state statue. Regardless of anything, the CEO was super excited about me and told me to call him if I was still interested when I was done with my degree. In the meanwhile, he is attempting to apply for a waiver to see if they could work with LPN staff in the long-term. Even though it didn't work out, I am still really excited about the potential opportunities that are out there once I am done. There will be no shortage of nursing needs in the behavioral health setting. I am taking this as one of those moments: "It wasn't mean to be. For a good reason." I hope to get a better handle on things right now with all of these changes, so maybe I just didn't need this right now.

I am plugging away at school. I am working through testing out of Algebra. I have successfully passed 3 of 6 modules. I have a total of 45 days to get the whole thing done. I hope to knock it out in the next two weeks. I am taking a compressed Chemistry class. I have a very solid C+. I asked my mom this weekend if it was too early to start screaming "Cs gets degrees". She was supportive :) I don't care about a 4.0; some of these classes I just need to pass. Here's hoping! I have to start working on anatomy and physiology soon. There are 16 modules and I have done 2. I haven't started the lab yet despite the delivery of my animal to dissect. I know I will get it done. I am staying organized. 

In 6 weeks, I am going to be heading out on a cruise with one of my very best friends. I almost haven't had time to think about it with all the chaos going on, yet here it is coming up very fast. Miami in Feb? Sign me up. What I am most excited about is the fact that I CAN have fun. I will have some stress with school, but I don't believe I will be carrying much stress from my work life. While transplant can be stressful in the moment, I truly can walk away from it and not be terribly consumed by the stress on any long-term basis. That is what I never found in the field of counseling. I never quite figured out how to walk away. With being able to leave everything behind (stress, worries, school, etc), I can be truly present and enjoy each minute of this trip. 

I stopped in to a nursing uniform shop today (that is just way too much fun....). I was talking with the worker there and was telling her that I was rejoining the nursing field and needed something to wear. Since I was the only one in the store, she spent a lot of time with me and I am now the owner of some new fabulous pieces. She asked me what I had been doing prior and I talked about my experiences as a counselor. She talked about how her daughter was working as a social worker. "She looks like she is getting eaten alive. She can't talk about anything else because there is nothing else in her life. I worry about her." Oh God, did that ever hit home. Yes. I know how that is. Everything gets related back to work. The only thing I have to offer in a conversation is work related. It is so much clearer to me how burned out I was and to the degree it was interfering with every aspect of my life.

I logged into LinkedIn this evening. In general, I don't pay much attention to my professional profile. Honestly, it hadn't changed much in the last 5 years. I have received a lot of "Congrats on your new role" messages which are generally generic. I had a few people reach out to me to ask about the change from counseling to nursing as my main focus. It generated some interesting conversations. Apparently, there is a lot of burn out running around the field and people are generally asking if it is better to go back to nursing. I can't say if it is the right decision for them. I am very clear now it was the right decision for me. That is not to say that I won't return again some day. Who knows! I am also getting the added benefit of making some new connections.

Mentally, I made a commitment at the end of 2019 to do a lot of things differently. While I am not going to the gym or making a radical changes to my diet, I want to take care of me in a very different way. "Follow your bliss...." is a phrase I have heard in the past. So, I am doing that right now. I get twinges of "I should have done this [RN school] instead of getting a degree in counseling all those years ago." Interestingly, as I was leaving the uniform store today, the woman said, "It's a good thing you did that path though, now there will be no wondering or having the 'what-ifs'. Let's be real, learning to be good to people at their weakest will always serve you well." She's right. I got to know my population on a deeper level and I am a better person for it. 

Julie 

Wow.....12 weeks ago, I had no idea what to do. A song lyric kept running through my head "It's indecision when you know you ain't got nothing left." Could I leave my job? Could I afford to? Can I walk away from my family and friends at this job? What I did know was that I was done. On a whim, I started looking around and things started changing. I went from "what am I going to do?" 12 weeks ago to today.

Today was my last day. Seven weeks ago, I thought this day wasn't going to come because it was so slow. The last 2 weeks flew by and I think I never really felt like I was going to be done. I cleaned out my office (it was really dusty by the way). I boxed up my things. I said good-bye to probably over 50 people in person and more by email. While I was feeling great excitement and happiness, my heart is sad this afternoon. Change is hard. I listened as people told me how much I would be missed. I started really understanding the impact that I had on others I worked with. My office was the touchdown spot for a lot of people. I loved my co-workers.

Over the past seven weeks, I have gone back and forth about this decision. Of course, I am fully, 100% on board with this decision and know that no mistake was made with regards to leaving. That doesn't mean it doesn't suck too. Here is that whole place of "black and white coexisting together" that I don't like. I feel a little guilty for being so happy to run out the door with my last box while people were getting a last farewell in. I saw tears of sadness and unhappiness of my departure. I will come to terms with all of this, it is just hard knowing the awesomeness I left behind today.

And....here is the happier part, you guys. I feel so different. I feel anger lifting from my being. I feel excitement again. I am currently enrolled in 3 online classes. I went out and bought scrubs. I worked a stupid amount of hours in last December to make sure I could play a little bit in the month of January. I am working on Chemistry which I don't understand at all. I am testing out of Algebra which is making me wonder if I ever paid attention to anything in high school. I received my anatomy & physiology lab kit last week. I am now a proud owner of a pig to dissect in the comfort of my own home. (OMG) This is my happy place. I love learning. I may not get it all, but I am going to try! 12 weeks ago, I couldn't imagine any of this. I thought I was stuck. I wrote about being upset with having pigeon-holed myself into counseling. Crap, I didn't like it, now what? I was in such an unhappy place, I didn't think I could find my motivation to go back to school. I didn't think I could make a change this big. I didn't know that the "crazy woman" Julie that takes on way to much is is infinitely happier for it was still in here. Yeah, I may be getting older now, but I got a lot of life left me in. 12 weeks ago, I didn't know that.

I will start my position with the treatment center near my home on Monday. I have heard nothing but positive things about this place and all of my interactions thus far have been positive. I will be working there for about 16 hours per week. I will continue with transplant and start picking up again in February when I have my life a little more figured out. I will also be going to school part-time for the next 3 quarters. I had a phone interview today on my way home for a nursing care coordinator. They are looking for a nurse for 8 hours per week to meet with clients who are engaged in behavioral health services to ensure that all needs are currently being addressed. I spoke with the director for about an hour today. He explained the position to me. He was put in contact with me from the psychologist at my now former employer. "Dr. H. spoke very highly of you....but I don't know anything about you." So, I talked about my work in triage with the county, working with criminal justice involved clients, resource connecting, etc. I heard him gasp at one point. "You are like the perfect fit. Are you funny too? We like funny people." To which I responded, "yeah, I like to laugh a lot." I will know more about that next week. Contract position, my time, my schedule. How is this all working out so well????

I have felt for the past year that a little black cloud was following me all over the place. When something good would happen, it felt like 3 terrible things would occur within the next month. When I put in my notice, I had nothing lined up other than being pretty sure I was going to back to school. Job? Not sure. I handed in my notice, I got the job offer for the treatment center right after I sat back down in my office. We pushed and pushed and I was able to get everything together to get enrolled in school right away. This opportunity literally came out of left field when I ran into Dr. H in the hall 2 weeks ago to have a conversation about my departure. 2020 is off to a very positive start which is something I could not be more grateful for. I needed some wins. For the past year, I felt like I was on the losing side of things a lot of time. I didn't see much in terms of my wins in my full time job. I think one thing that kept me afloat was having the wins in transplant. We don't always win but it's uber-cool when we do.

It's the most bittersweet evening. I am going to curl up with the kittens and watch a goofy movie. I got some hard core studying to do tomorrow. I thought I was going to do some tonight, but I think I just need to chill. I am already missing people I have worked with for the past five years. I need to let my heart mourn and be sad for a bit. On the flip side, I am ready to hit the ground running and see what happens in the next several months.

Again, there are many of you who offered words of support and encouragement to me over the past few years! As you have been offering me your support, I would like you to all also be a part of this win. It was with your encouragement, I was able to process the good and the bad at my own pace and be thoughtful with my next moves. Even though most of my co-workers were not happy about my leaving, they were most gracious in their happiness for the journey ahead for me. Thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me. 

​Julie

I believe it was about 3 years ago, I was invited by my friend's daughter's school to come and speak about my careers for one of her classes. She was involved in a post-secondary program and the class was called "Investigating Medical Careers". She thought my transplant experience would be really interesting (which the students really do love). When she shared with her instructor that I also did substance abuse counseling, I was asked to speak on both topics. I believe I have now shared my experiences with both areas to about 8 or 9 different classes made up of 15-17 year old students.

It surprises me what the students are most interested in when I start to tell my story of lived experience with addiction. Some are really interested in what I lost and how I got my life back. I have several students that want to pick my brain about cannabis and legalization. I was back up there today and shared my story which resulted in A LOT of questions about mixing THC, alcohol and/or tobacco with anti-depressants. The #2 topic was the genetics of addiction and whether a person with a significant family history is making a choice to get addicted if they chose to use. For a bunch of 15 and 16 year old students, I was pretty blown away by our discussion today. Kids are smart these days.

I no longer prepare a presentation when I go to these classes. I just go in and talk. I figure the experience the students have had with addiction varies and I want them to let me know what they want to know. Three girls came to me after class and asked me if I would be willing to talk with them privately. We found a room and I got a glimpse into the life of 2 teenagers that are heading in a pretty concerning direction and a third whose life has been devastated by her whole family using. Her goal was to stay in this program with the technical college and start a career the minute she turns 18 and can move out. It dawned on me as I was speaking with them, that this interaction is what I had in mind when I thought about going back for addiction counseling/addiction education. The girls were straightforward, honest and had a lot fo self-concern. I talked with them about options and their goals. I heard one say as she was leaving "they need to get more people like her. She was awesome." 

I have a lot of knowledge of addiction both professionally and personally. In this venue, I share part of my story as it plays into how I transitioned from nursing to counseling. These kids could have cared less about my duties as a counselor, they wanted to know about addiction.. Sitting with those three girls was such a validating experience for me. I listened without judgement. They talked candidly about why they are not honest with adults about their use. They want to know why their own parents are the way they are. When I talk about people with addiction issues, I try to remain compassionate at all times. From my own experience, I hardly ever understood my own behavior. I just had this compulsion and very little would get in my way. I made rash decisions. I made hurtful decisions. I never wanted those decisions to burden anyone else even though they clearly did time after time. 

When I did my TedX talk back in 2014 about addiction after gastric bypass surgery, no one wanted to be seen with me during the intermissions. People would smile and say "nice job", but not come anywhere near me to discuss my topic......until I hit the parking lot. Suddenly, a car pulls up and they start telling me about their cousin that had gastric bypass surgery and she was a raging alcoholic. Another car pulls around the corner. I tried to wave them through and the driver pokes out his head "that's OK, we'll wait, we need to talk with you." I ended up having 6 cars full of people who desperately wanted more information about addiction and what to do with their friend or family member. I loved every minute of that. I am breaking down barriers. I am reducing stigma. I am proudly answering "Yup, me too" when it came to the question of a "person like you getting addicted? Really?" I want to offer my strength and hope. People are not helpless in those situation, they have decisions to make as well about they would like to address addiction in their lives. I don't want to be the one to tell them what to do. I offer out options and let them decide for themselves. 

I love public speaking with a passion. I am not afraid to say that I am really good at it too. I came across this talent in high school when I joined the speech team. I won award after award for my work in original oratory, picking totally random topics and convincing a room full of people I was right. Never underestimate the power of having a one sided conversation, ha! Since high school, I have dreamed of being a public speaker. It's my version of wanting to grow up and be a rock star. It wasn't until I got sober that I was able to find that passion again. This time, I found a topic that is both professionally and personally meaningful to me. I get the stigma. I experienced the breakdown of the behavioral health system. I got the whole "you, again?" response from the detox nurses. If shame worked, I would have been sober in my 20s instead of my 30s. I want to reduce stigma. I don't want people to feel ashamed for asking for help. I want people to feel empowered whatever their relation is to addiction.

What I gained in the field of counseling was an extra dose of approaching people with addiction in a compassionate manner. I have a lot of patience for the denial and the seemingly unending level of craziness. As I am transitioning out of direct counseling, I feel my desire burning again to be a public speaker/educator about addiction. On some level, I knew when I was going back to school that being an educator was more of my desire than counseling. There isn't really an "addictionology" degree out there. When I looked at PhD programs years ago, I noticed that there could be a concentration related to addiction in some of the fields. There was no program that specialized in addiction at that level. Most of the addiction concentrations were found in the public health realm (which I agree with actually); however, with a masters in counseling, a public health PhD is a big leap when applying. 

I didn't really plan to return to school. I had thought about it in the past and thought it was too much to go back all over again. I didn't know what I even wanted to do until about 2 month ago. It was at the suggestion of my therapist to at least look into it. I was excited when I found the school that I am attending now because it is designed for adult learners like me. They opt to give me credit for my other educational experience where other schools are not able to. While it is significantly more expensive than other schools, I could start immediately and get done with the RN degree in 14 months. That's worth the expense to me, not to mention the investment will pay for itself faster than any other degree I have earned to this point.

I decided to return and began talking with friends and family about the decision. When people would ask me what I planned to do with my RN after I am done, I really didn't have a solid answer. I took a chance and went with this decision feeling confident that going back to school and completing my nursing was the right thing to do. I start my job as a nurse (LPN) next week at a local treatment center. I have a feeling this whole path before me will be very clear once I get started there. I have always felt like there was a significant deficit in the understanding of addiction in the medical field. My nursing background coupled with degree in addiction specific counseling may be the combination I was missing. I see myself teaching continuing education credits. I see having in-services to talk about addiction in all medical populations. I see myself working in a behavioral health setting and bringing a lot of valuable experience to the table. Lastly, I see myself presenting/public speaking. I have no idea how that will actually play out, but I was provided with a few opportunities down the line (fall 2020) that might be part of the break I am looking for.

Today was a good day. 2020 is off to a quick and furious start. I have a lot of work ahead of me. Good thing that my motivation is slowly returning. I can do this. I want to do this. My life will be better for it. I thank all of you who have offered words of support as I make my newest and latest transition. I am leaving a lot behind in terms of friends, pay and benefits. I still remain steadfast in my belief that I will be taken care adequately and I will be on a better track for having gone this route. After months of feeling defeated, anxious and unhappy, I seemed to have found the light again, my passion, my calling or whatever. Speaking with the kids I did today, reminded me that I have a story with power. My story matters to me and I have always hoped that my story could be of value to others. I don't know that people go through hell for no reason. I was meant to do something with those experiences. I may have misunderstood the calling; however, in the world of recovery, "it all happened for a reason."

Peace Julie