Endings & Beginnings

Wow.....12 weeks ago, I had no idea what to do. A song lyric kept running through my head "It's indecision when you know you ain't got nothing left." Could I leave my job? Could I afford to? Can I walk away from my family and friends at this job? What I did know was that I was done. On a whim, I started looking around and things started changing. I went from "what am I going to do?" 12 weeks ago to today.

Today was my last day. Seven weeks ago, I thought this day wasn't going to come because it was so slow. The last 2 weeks flew by and I think I never really felt like I was going to be done. I cleaned out my office (it was really dusty by the way). I boxed up my things. I said good-bye to probably over 50 people in person and more by email. While I was feeling great excitement and happiness, my heart is sad this afternoon. Change is hard. I listened as people told me how much I would be missed. I started really understanding the impact that I had on others I worked with. My office was the touchdown spot for a lot of people. I loved my co-workers.

Over the past seven weeks, I have gone back and forth about this decision. Of course, I am fully, 100% on board with this decision and know that no mistake was made with regards to leaving. That doesn't mean it doesn't suck too. Here is that whole place of "black and white coexisting together" that I don't like. I feel a little guilty for being so happy to run out the door with my last box while people were getting a last farewell in. I saw tears of sadness and unhappiness of my departure. I will come to terms with all of this, it is just hard knowing the awesomeness I left behind today.

And....here is the happier part, you guys. I feel so different. I feel anger lifting from my being. I feel excitement again. I am currently enrolled in 3 online classes. I went out and bought scrubs. I worked a stupid amount of hours in last December to make sure I could play a little bit in the month of January. I am working on Chemistry which I don't understand at all. I am testing out of Algebra which is making me wonder if I ever paid attention to anything in high school. I received my anatomy & physiology lab kit last week. I am now a proud owner of a pig to dissect in the comfort of my own home. (OMG) This is my happy place. I love learning. I may not get it all, but I am going to try! 12 weeks ago, I couldn't imagine any of this. I thought I was stuck. I wrote about being upset with having pigeon-holed myself into counseling. Crap, I didn't like it, now what? I was in such an unhappy place, I didn't think I could find my motivation to go back to school. I didn't think I could make a change this big. I didn't know that the "crazy woman" Julie that takes on way to much is is infinitely happier for it was still in here. Yeah, I may be getting older now, but I got a lot of life left me in. 12 weeks ago, I didn't know that.

I will start my position with the treatment center near my home on Monday. I have heard nothing but positive things about this place and all of my interactions thus far have been positive. I will be working there for about 16 hours per week. I will continue with transplant and start picking up again in February when I have my life a little more figured out. I will also be going to school part-time for the next 3 quarters. I had a phone interview today on my way home for a nursing care coordinator. They are looking for a nurse for 8 hours per week to meet with clients who are engaged in behavioral health services to ensure that all needs are currently being addressed. I spoke with the director for about an hour today. He explained the position to me. He was put in contact with me from the psychologist at my now former employer. "Dr. H. spoke very highly of you....but I don't know anything about you." So, I talked about my work in triage with the county, working with criminal justice involved clients, resource connecting, etc. I heard him gasp at one point. "You are like the perfect fit. Are you funny too? We like funny people." To which I responded, "yeah, I like to laugh a lot." I will know more about that next week. Contract position, my time, my schedule. How is this all working out so well????

I have felt for the past year that a little black cloud was following me all over the place. When something good would happen, it felt like 3 terrible things would occur within the next month. When I put in my notice, I had nothing lined up other than being pretty sure I was going to back to school. Job? Not sure. I handed in my notice, I got the job offer for the treatment center right after I sat back down in my office. We pushed and pushed and I was able to get everything together to get enrolled in school right away. This opportunity literally came out of left field when I ran into Dr. H in the hall 2 weeks ago to have a conversation about my departure. 2020 is off to a very positive start which is something I could not be more grateful for. I needed some wins. For the past year, I felt like I was on the losing side of things a lot of time. I didn't see much in terms of my wins in my full time job. I think one thing that kept me afloat was having the wins in transplant. We don't always win but it's uber-cool when we do.

It's the most bittersweet evening. I am going to curl up with the kittens and watch a goofy movie. I got some hard core studying to do tomorrow. I thought I was going to do some tonight, but I think I just need to chill. I am already missing people I have worked with for the past five years. I need to let my heart mourn and be sad for a bit. On the flip side, I am ready to hit the ground running and see what happens in the next several months.

Again, there are many of you who offered words of support and encouragement to me over the past few years! As you have been offering me your support, I would like you to all also be a part of this win. It was with your encouragement, I was able to process the good and the bad at my own pace and be thoughtful with my next moves. Even though most of my co-workers were not happy about my leaving, they were most gracious in their happiness for the journey ahead for me. Thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me. 

​Julie