Great Actually

2020 started off with a lot of changes. I trusted the process and it has worked out really well for me. I do have to admit, I picked a hell of a time to return to nursing. However, I am so unbelievably content with where I am at now. All the things I was most worried about - income, benefits, being rusty - don't worry me much anymore. School is plugging along with 3 of my 6 general education credits completed and it' s not even May yet! If I am able to keep this pace, I will be just about finished this time next year. 

COVID has thrown a wrench into all of this. I carry some fears about being an essential worker. I am very grateful to remain employed and actually have a lot of hours available to me if I wish to work. I was furloughed from transplant which is sad for me. I know that I will be back in the future and really should be focusing on my studies anyway. Despite the uncertainty of everything right now, when someone asks, "how are you doing?", I can't help but say, "great actually". I miss seeing my family. I miss going on my outings. My house is still a mess. I wish I could do more than just wave at my neighbors. Yet, I still feel great. Feeling good is not a foreign concept for me; I am kinda surprised at feeling good right at this moment in time. 

My health issues literally spontaneously resolved within 3 weeks of my last day at SCC. Intellectually, I think I knew my job was killing me. To see the dramatic shift in my labs and even my weight has been astounding. I am, by not means, the healthiest human on the face of the earth. However, I feel like if I had contracted COVID while still in that position, I would have not been able to mount the defense that I am able to today. If I have learned anything about this COVID situation, we have to take care of ourselves so that those who have more underlying conditions have the opportunity to receive the care that they need. I hope, should I contract it, that I could manage my symptoms from home. (*fingers crossed*)

Moving back into nursing ignited something in me again. I never really stopped being a nurse since I stayed with transplant after I went back to school in 2012. Transplant nursing is different (part of the reason I love it). The nursing that I am doing now feels natural. There isn't a front being put up for anyone or anything. I know what I know. I don't know what I don't know. I have resources to figure things out. I have the utmost support from my coworkers and manager. We may not be able to change everything, but we are in it together for the good of our clients. 

I think back to the time in nursing school and being on my clinical for behavioral health. I mentioned this in a previous entry. I started thinking about why I liked it so much then and why it took me so long to realize that I needed to come back into this line of work. I do think I may have missed the calling in working with addiction recovery. My strengths are not in my counseling, they are in my nursing skills. While my previous coworkers may disagree with my take on strengths, it is hard to capture in works how hard I had to work to feel competent at my job. I don't feel that way about nursing. I have a core set of skills, I have good bedside manners, I know how to pass medications, I know how to document, I am pretty good with emergencies. I don't have to try. I know what to do. 

On the flip side of that, I know addiction. I get it. I have been there. I know it sucks to be in treatment. I know it can be hard work. I know over half the people don't want to be there. I am an "unconditional positive regard" kind of person. I like to joke with the clients, ask how their days are going and point out positive changes I have seen. I like to talk with them when they first come in and welcome them. I know how hard it is to walk through those doors regardless of how they got there. I want to be a part of the positive treatment experience so that if they need to return, they will feel comfortable in doing so. Behavioral health nursing seems to be the calling I misunderstood. I think about options after my schooling is done. I am excited about a lot of different avenues.

My biggest challenge in counseling was not taking on the client's problems as my own. I could never figure out that boundary. Part of me felt horrible (aka I didn't care) if I couldn't feel what my clients were feeling. The other part of me thought "they are thinking about you when they go home. Stop doing that." I just could not figure out where I was supposed to be on that spectrum. In my efforts to take care of my clients, I think I tried to take on their pain so they didn't have to take it home with them. I was unable to figure out how to let their problems go. I am a fixer. I am a good listener, but at some point in the conversation I will start trying to fix. That's something I have worked on hard in the past 2 years. Just listen. Sometimes that is all people really need. Well, nursing offers me the opportunity to fix. If I can't fix it, i will figure out the next best option whether that is an ice pack or calling 911. I have just about every option in between and selecting the correct intervention is where I feel like my strengths lie. I am not 100% right all the time and I am OK with that. I exercised my knowledge. 

While both positions (counseling and nursing) can be life and death scenarios, nursing does not feel as scary or as overwhelming. In counseling, I would be chasing people trying to convince them that drugs and/or alcohol needed to stop because they were going to die. Some of them did under very tragic, preventable circumstances. In nursing, the clients are coming to me. I hope that any decision I make in that moment will not cause harm or death. In those situations, I have more support, more options and I can delegate or transfer care to more specialized caregivers. I didn't have that option in counseling other than sending someone to residential care. I worked on an outpatient basis. If there was a bad session, they may never return again. If I couldn't connect with someone, there were no resources to transfer care unless it was an extreme circumstance. If my clients were not doing well, I just had to sit back and let them exercise their right to drink themselves to death. That is probably the most helpless I have felt in my life. There are times when I felt helpless in nursing but nothing ever like this. The weight of that helpless became too much to bear and the supervision I was receiving sent a clear message (these are actual quotes from my then-supervisor): "Have you ever considered that you are creating your own trauma?" "You should go back to therapy or something because whatever you are doing know isn't working." "It's time to have a talk about your self-care." I am still processing through some of that stuff. My current supervisor is the polar opposite of this and it makes me more acutely aware of how poorly I was treated. It begs the question: If I had been offered actual support, would I have made it? I guess I may never know.

Six months ago, I couldn't decide if I was struggling with a job issue or a career issue. I would say job - 30%, career 70%. I knew that with some time and distance, I would be able to more clearly see what my concerns are/were. Stepping back into nursing made me feel like I was back at home.