I decided to switch music services and got a subscription to YouTube Premium. This subscription gives me ad-free access to all the videos on the platform. Oh, the rabbit holes I have been diving down since I finished school! One thing I know about myself is that I love other people's drama. YouTube is FULL of it. I was watching another one of the YouTuber's fall from grace this week and one of the reaction videos had a pretty interesting discussion that caught my attention. This YouTuber basically stated she never had any bad intentions despite some pretty awful behavior. The commentator said "intention doesn't matter, it is the impact." Oh how very true.....

One of the things that scared me about getting into sobriety was having to face the impact of all of my behavior. The impact was wide and varied in intensity. Small or enormous, I was not feeling great about being confronted with about it. I was so ashamed and I felt really bad. I never meant to hurt people. Yet, I did. The idea of amends was hard. Not that I didn't want to tell people whom I had hurt that I was sorry. More so, I was scared to hear about the degree I had hurt them. I wanted to acknowledge what I had done, apologize, and promise to do better. I really wanted to have those conversations without anyone telling me what I had done. Some of it was embarrassing, some of it was mean, some of it was malicious, and some of it was careless/thoughtless. I could just hear myself saying "I really didn't mean to harm you. I would never intent that for anyone that was in my life." Yet, I did. And I was wanting to hide in any hole I could find. 

When in the throughs of addiction, "I didn't mean to...." is a pretty regular statement. I didn't mean to miss our time together. I didn't mean to ignore your calls. I didn't mean to dump on you when I called in drunken stupor. I didn't mean to be so needy. I didn't mean to say those mean things. The reality is, though, it all happened. My intention was not to do that. I picked up a drink and all hell broke loose. I lost my inhibition and control. I proceeded to act a fool, creating distress for others, hide from reality, make excuses, and flat-out hurt people. The response of "I really didn't mean to" falls really flat in those moments. Everyone has heard that before. An apology is pretty hollow as well if there is no change to the behavior driving all of this chaos. 

In general, I am a pretty sensitive person. I hate when others feel disappointed in me or I have cause upset to them. In my mind, I assume that whatever I have done is not a forgivable thing and I will lose the relationship from it. When I work from that place, I get highly defensive and want to deflect the blame so that I am not 100% responsible for it; hoping that this approach may save the relationship. Also, I will deflect because I am horribly embarrassed for my behavior, I believe that people will see me in a totally different light. I will lose their respect and friendship. I am not sure where all of this comes from. I do, however, know that I have done that for as long as I can remember, even as a child. It was OK for me to get annoyed or upset with someone else but if that was directed at me, I fell apart. Either I would avoid that person going forward so as to not have to admit what I had done. Or I would create lies or deflect the issues in anyway I could so that I was not being held responsible. It's something that I still struggle with today. At the base of that is fear. 

I watch these people who are making videos about all sorts of different topics. Occasionally, I read through the comments and I start to get the feelings of distress when people are negative. Even in the case of when people are providing a solid counterpoint, I feel this need to defend the person making the video. Occasionally. they will read the outright mean comments as a part of the video and react to them. I feel great discomfort even if they are laughing at the absurdity of the comment. I think, "doesn't that hurt your feelings? Don't you feel bad when people are commenting on your nose or your hair?" I am sure that they do for a second or two, but they also come to the conclusion that some people are mean just for the fun of it and they can let it go.

It is the fear of people confirming something negative that I already feel about myself. I don't hold myself in the highest regard. I know I have positive traits - I care, I am smart, I am driven, I am a good teacher, I am a good nurse, I am a good auntie, I am a good cat mama, etc. etc. However, when it comes to how I look or how I choose to express myself, I am highly (arguably overly) sensitive. When someone disagrees with me, I will automatically assume that I am wrong and start to question everything. That sensitivity holds me back from a lot of things I would enjoy exploring. I am not so much scared of failure per se. I am more concerned about not being good at something in front of others. It is such a strange thing considering public speaking is one of my favorite things. I present ideas that people may or may not agree with, yet I can be easily heartbroken if I am confronted with conflicting information. For example, the last presentation I did about alcoholism and gastric bypass surgery, I felt like I had a heckler in the audience. I felt like he was trying to knock me off of my game by questioning the legitimacy of my research, my own thoughts about potential links, and discussion special treatment considerations. If that was the intention, he did it and I have not presented about that topic since then. Those interactions roll around in my head every time I look to update the presentation.

I turned off the automatic comments (they have to be approved by me) when I had a series of people respond to any post I did about AA. "You're in a cult." "AA is evil." "You are judgmental." I delete those comments now because I think I have made it clear I support any and all avenues to recovery, etc. But, I will more likely think about those comments when writing new entries than the 100s of positive messages/feedback I have received over the past 10 years. I think I am especially sensitive here because I am the most vulnerable here. The last time I said the word vulnerable in a therapy session, I choked on my own spit. Not intentionally, mind you, but I thought it was a fitting reaction for me and that word. When people take the opportunity to slam me about things I feel passionate about, I basically shut down. I hope to continue to work to change that response. 

I am trying to learn to push through and open my mind to some new things. I remain steadfast that I have something big inside of me related to recovery. I am still not sure what that is. Heck, I may already be doing it, but I still feel like something is missing or I could go bigger. Now that school is done, I am starting to think of my next moves. Professionally, I have that all set for right now. I am interested in expanding my social/personal world with new hobbies, etc. My hope is to continue to make positive impacts on the world around me by living a fulfilling life that brings me and others joy. 

Peace,
​Julie

I am a big "why" person. I would equate my brain to a three-year old toddler running around and asking "why" every 30 seconds in an attempt to understand the world around me. I don't consider this a negative thing in my life. It can be a bit exhausting at times. And at times it can lead me down a rabbit hole I should have avoided. Since I left the field of counseling, I have been asking a lot of "why" questions in various aspects of my life. Some of these questions don't have clear cut answers. At times, it is fun just to ponder, other times, I wish I had the answer so I could feel better about why certain things happen.

My last entry talked about avoidance that has really taken over major aspects of my life. When I start debating in my mind what is going on, I want to know why this started and why I am doing this. On an intellectual level, I say, it really doesn't matter. The fact of the matter is avoidance is present and I have to figure out what works to combat that annoyance in my life. On an emotional level, I want to know why partially so I can avoid (no pun intended) having this happen again. More so, I want to know what happened to me. I used to have this drive and desire. Now, I am happy just hanging in bed all day, sleeping on and off. It is not exhaustion that is driving the sleeping. It is truly wanting to not be awake thinking about all the things I need to do. 

"Why" can be a dangerous question. During the years of use, I used to ask the universe, "why me?". Instead of looking at getting out of that pit of despair, I was stuck asking why this thing was in my life and ruining my life. Asking "why", however, was not moving me any where. I needed to shift that questions to "what needs to be done?" I had convinced myself that if I could identify why I did what I did, somehow that would change the current situation I was in. Suddenly, I would be relieved of the obsession and I could drink normally again. For the record, I NEVER drank normally. I don't even know what that means. The draw and addiction is very strong with me. 

Treatment did offer me some "whys" that were helpful. My sick thinking and obsession were not unique to me. It's part of my brain and how I process things. I am genetically predisposed to alcoholism. My brain gets highjacked in the presences of drugs and alcohol. I needed these answers to get out of the shame spiral of thinking that I was weak and a moral failure. I knew that alcoholism was considered a disease, I just didn't know why. Getting these answers was helpful to me and when I provide education to people about mental health issues, I offer this information. Knowing that I don't function entirely normally with regards to alcohol is helpful. I have to design my recovery around that knowledge.

Where things are today, I often travel down paths that really don't offer much value. The first DBT skills I was introduced to was acceptance. Acceptance is part of 12 step recovery. I preach acceptance to others because it really is the only way to be truly free. Basically, I can ask "why" all day long. The fact of the matter is whatever it is exists here and now. It's part of the game now. Acceptance doesn't mean we like it, it means it is the reality of the situation. Denying reality only creates internal conflict. Accepting reality means I can start looking at the solutions available to me. I can't change that I drinking alcohol will kill me. I need to accept, though, that the outcome will be death if I pick up again. Now, what do I need to keep me here. If I were to ask "why" alcohol will kill me, I am more fixated on finding ways to use without the consequences. Why do I use like this? Well, honestly, no answer is going to help other than this is part of how addiction presents. Am I asking "why" so that I can fix whatever makes me do this so I can have it back? It feels like that at times.

Recovery is an ongoing journey for me because life changes. For 15+ years I had one answer. An ineffective answer, but an answer none the less - alcohol. As I wander though life now, that is the only answer I can't use if I want to live a full life. So what's the next answer? My concrete, black and white mind wants a simple, no-frills answer so I can just do something about it already. In a way, I have an answer to why certain things are the way they are right now. Avoidance. There it is. It's a habit/coping mechanism that worked for a little while and now it isn't any more. Do I spend my time trying to figure out why or should I accept that this is where I am at right now? Logically? Easy answer. Emotionally? Also an easy answer with a "but". What is going to take to change this. Can I? Will I? 

So, the journey moves forward. I hope to continue to post as I can feel it helping already! :) 

Lots of peace to everyone!
​J

I have finally finished school! (Again...I know) I hope this will leave me a bit more time for this blog. I have missed writing and I can tell when I haven't done it in a while. One of the many changes going on in my life right now is that my therapist of six years is closing his practice. If you have read this blog, he has been a big part of keeping this recovery journey going. At some points, he was able to provide support to keep my nose above water. This notification was not a complete surprise. He has been working on his doctorate for most of our time together. His availability had been declining and I figured a job change had been coming for some time. I am super happy for him and can't verbalized enough how supportive he has been through all of these years. 

I was quite surprised that I was able to connect with a new provider so quickly. The last time I went shopping for a therapist, it was 2-5 months, depending to connect with someone. I hope that others are able to connect as quickly as well. Therapy can be such an important tool in finding the stability, recovery, or direction. I had my intake with the new provider last week. Intakes are always rapid fire questions to get some background, figure out some jumping off points, and get enough information to convince insurance to pay for services (sigh). Earlier this week, she sent me a treatment plan. I came with some things that I really want to work on that prevent me from experiencing all the happiness that I have in my life. The treatment plan is highly reflective of everything I wanted to address. It was a very hopeful feeling.

For as long as I can remember, I was motivated to attend work. I would work when I was sick. I would pick up shifts. I would be there. Even in the midst of my use, I still got up, hungover, and went to work. I am sure that my memory of that time is a little fuzzy but I am pretty sure my attendance was decent. I was late a lot, but I did show up. Fast forward to about 2014. Something changed. I was in graduate school. I wasn't having the greatest experience with the school and found the internship to be difficult. I started pushing the lines of what I could get away with in terms of calling in and not attending class. In short, I got away with it. I was still able to get everything done. This behavior started to roll over into work. I took a semester off and worked full time. I started getting into conflict with people and started calling in. I justified this because I was just support and the world would go on with out me being there. I would spend an hour calculating out if I could afford not to go, decided I could, and then called in. Rarely was I actually sick.

I started out with the counseling job pretty strongly. I was motivated by making a good impression. Well, at about a year in, I started with slowly with calling in. I didn't find the consequences of calling in all that horrible and just kept down that path. I did have some health issues going on during that time. I think a lot of my illnesses were driven by stress. I was constantly stressed. I was unhappy in my job/environment. In 2018, I started doing some more exciting things like buying a house. I had all this motivation and drive to decorate my house, paint, etc. Then, I broke my foot. I have lived in this place since 2018, and have completed maybe one or two projects since that time. I lost all desire. I think about what I would like to do. I have lots of ideas. I fail to activate, so to speak. 

I talked with my new provider today about how frustrating this is to me. I feel like I should need external motivation to do things I am interested in doing. I fight with myself when I have fun things planned. I don't attend things that I want to. One of the benefits of my current position is that I really "can't" call in sick. I mean, I can, it's just that no one is available to replace me. So, for me to call in sick which I have done once in the past two years, I need to do it early in the day. I can't simply wake up an hour before my shift and decide I am too tired. In my mind, there is no option. I have to go so I have no problem. I am wishing that I felt the same way about my other job and my social life. I want to, yet, I don't. Why?

I have felt for a while that I had developed a habit around this lack of attendance. It became "easy" to do? I didn't really get in trouble for it? There have been consequences to that behavior, but apparently not significant enough to create some change. Honestly, I will adopt a whole lot of misery to avoid change. Change is hard. Change requires effort for more than one day. I may not have 100% success as I am learning to make and sustain change. Ugh....that sounds harder than just staying this way, limping along. Right? I have become acutely aware of how much this bothers me now and I do want to figure out how to get back to how I used to be years ago. 

We talked about findings some ways to "activate" so to speak. Usually if I actually get up and start moving, I rarely go back to bed and will go. I told her about how I will have an hour long conversation with myself about going and not going, going and not going. Then I manage to stress myself out and I just want to crawl back into bed and avoid the world. Avoiding is the issue. I am avoiding my environment by going back to sleep. I am avoiding things because of anxiety. The more time I spend avoiding things, the stronger my ability gets to justify the avoidance. I only have to justify it to myself so it doesn't take much to do it. 

In early recovery, I was challenged by my provider back then to push through some of those thoughts and go out. She encouraged me to find things that I liked. Take a class. Go make some art. Meet up with friends. I was willing to make any change I could so that the quality of my life would improve. Early recovery was incredibly hard. Many of my "friends" were gone. I had to learn to socialize without alcohol. I had financial issues related to all the use. I was lonely. That was plenty of misery to support a desire to make some change. It worked too. I feel like I was the most successful in 2012-2013. I was doing DBT. I was socializing. I was spending time with my family. I took some classes. 

Now, the "misery" is not as extreme today as it was back then. I am stuck. I have been stuck for quite some time. What I learned today is that I am feeding avoidance. Once she said that, I was like "Duh! Of course I am! How did I not see this?" Some times it is these little things that are so profound. I was challenged to view these internal conversation as my desire versus avoidance instead of me fighting me. Shifting that language is highly meaningful for me. I don't need people to criticize me much because I am EXCELLENT at providing plenty of negative feedback to myself. Me fighting me feels like more of the same. The avoidance part of me is very strong right now. The desire part of me is getting a bit frustrated. I want to use that frustration to drive some personal change. I think that is possible.

I will be sure to circle back to this topic as it is an interesting one for me to consider while I am making some changes. I feed my avoidance for a lot of years so it is going to take a bit of time to get this ship moving in a different direction. I hope to provide you all with more entries over the next month!

Thanks again, as always, for reading :) 

​Julie

Image by Gino Crescoli from Pixabay ​

Luckily for all of you who read this blog, I am between assignments in school right now. I am feeling a little lost without having something to write! I am doing a competency-based RN-MSN (Masters of Science in Nursing) which is 16 courses with 3-5 assessments per course. The assessments range from 3 to 20 pages. For the last 7 months, I have been pumping out paper, after paper. I am kinda weird, I know. I have really enjoyed it. The unfortunate part is that doesn't leave a whole lot of motivation to update my blog even though writing about something other than quality improvement would be desirable. So, here we are!

In my last blog, I mentioned watching all sorts of videos about the culture around toxic positivity and hustle culture. The post dabbled into the role of social media in that. While I do like aspects of social media, there are plenty of aspects that leave me wondering if I should even be on it as much as I am. I do know when to take a break. I also know that there are times when my mood is not right to be scrolling through my FB feed. One of those times is when I am feeling sorry for myself. If I want a way to feed self-pity, surfing through the supposed "perfect life" of everyone else is pretty dangerous. My headspace isn't in the right place to challenge what I am seeing. In a "normal" state for me, I can remind myself that the heavily edited material that I am looking at and not get my undies in too big of a bunch when I see toxic positivity memes in my face.

Self-pity is a tough one for me. It's a fine line between having valid feelings about the hand we are dealt. There are plenty of times that grief, loss, and trauma that questioning "why the hell is this happening to me?" is warranted and justified. So, I looked up the definition of self-pity. In my mind, I know when I cross over into self-pity but I would have a really difficult time explaining to someone else where that line is. Dictionary. com: "excessive, self-absorbed unhappiness over one's own troubles." Yes, that makes sense to me. And.....how is excessive defined? When do I go to far?

The first inpatient treatment I went to, I was highly emotional when I transferred from detox into treatment. I was so relieved to be there. My detox was unpleasant, long, and very difficult. That alone left me in an emotional spot. Beyond that, though, I felt so broken. It felt like the bottom had fallen out. I didn't know what life was going to be now. I was scared of the work I was going to need to do to find sobriety. I felt like I was different too. I clearly remember my first group session, everyone went around the group and shared something about themselves. I just started crying out of sheer relief. I wasn't all that different. These are my people! I knew exactly what they were talking about. I knew they understood me! Yeah!

Fast forward 24 hours, that tune changed a little bit. I sat down with my counselor and we needed to put together a treatment plan and an outline of the assignments I was to complete during my time there. I started to share how horrible I felt that my family had assisted to redo my condo and I couldn't afford it anymore. I felt like like I was given all of these resources and opportunities in my life. I had managed to screw that all up because of my alcohol use. I "should" be an alcoholic. I "should" know better. I am divorced, looking at foreclosure, I am physical and mentally ill. I shared a few more things and the counselor said, "well, a priority topic for you is going to be self-pity." Whoa. That was rude. I legitimately felt bad for having all of this opportunity and falling apart! It took about two weeks before I shared anything in individual session with her because I didn't take that feedback very well. 

It wasn't that she was wrong. I was in a self-pity spiral. It's not uncommon at all for people with addiction to become self-absorbed and fall into the self-pity trap. What may look like a series of excuses for why life is so horrible and you can't expect anything of me is a whole lot of self-pity. I didn't say things like that to make excuses, I wanted people to feel sorry for me and then turn around and tell me what an amazing person I am. I was looking for validation. I was looking for someone to tell me that I wasn't such a horrible person. The problem, though, if people did, it was only a matter of hours or days before I did something else to make my life or someone else's life terrible. Then I started with the self-pity so that people would tell me, AGAIN, that I was not a bad person.

I have mentioned in previous blogs that the first year of my recovery was tough. I was angry, mad, annoyed, etc. etc. Some of that was driven by my self-pity. I was about to lose my nursing license due to my use. My family knew I needed to find recovery and were making changes to support me making changes (which is a nice way of saying - boundaries and expectations were set, some behaviors would no longer be tolerated). Things were changing. Addiction was still running the show for that first year even though I wasn't drinking anymore. I spent time complaining about how the Board of Nursing program took away my choice to drink. Great, now I am sober, but life still sucks. When I got into outpatient treatment, I had a counselor tell me "HSPS didn't take away your choice to drink. You still can. It's just that there are consequences to that decision. You don't like having the consequences because you rare did before." I sat on that for about a week or so before I decided she was right.

As I started down the path of mental health therapy, I had a lot of work to do to re-frame how I was seeing things. Addiction is a selfish disease. I could easily suck the air out of the room with the problems in my life and myself when I was using. Yes, I had SOME problems. But, I also had a lot of situations I MADE into problems so I could continue to fuel the "whoa is me" narrative. I didn't listen to anything anyone had to say except for compliments about myself. If people wanted to offer me some advice about making changes, they would hear very quickly that nothing was going to work. Nope. Never. You don't know how horrible everything about my life is every minute of every day. 

In retrospect, I understand why I was doing what I was doing. It was another good year of therapy to balance feeling unhappy about situations and not turning it into a full on pity-party. That line was not very clear to me. I had viewed the world from a victim standpoint for years. And by years, I mean 20+ years. I didn't know there was another perspective to be had. My therapist worked with me to see that I engaged in that behavior to find validation. I required so much external validation to survive. I had nothing good to say internally so I found reasons to validate what I was feeling inside. I probably understood on a deep level that what I was portraying was exaggerated, but I could not help myself to continue to do that because I got something I was seeking. I really don't like that part of myself. I look back on that behavior and see how maladaptive it was. I was manipulative. I actually enjoyed making people feel guilty. I was needy and dramatic. I was exhibiting strong personality traits of borderline personality disorder. I was out of control.

The process of changing internal messaging is challenging. For me, re-framing perspectives has been the most successful skill to avoid falling into the self-pity pit. I talked about "comparing" in my last blog post. Re-framing is different than comparing. It can morph into comparing quickly which is not helpful for me. The hardest re-frame was actually changing my approach to addiction. I could continue to complain, moan, bitch, and wallow in the wreckage addiction caused in my life. And I did, deeply, for about a year. Something clicked after that first year and I started to see myself as a survivor of addiction. Many of my brothers and sisters in the world of addiction don't make it. I did. I have some choices to make moving forward about how I want addiction to be told in my story. Yes, it was sucky and resulted in devastation. And I lived to tell my story. Not everyone does.

The other big re-frame was looking at validation needs. Let's be honest -- we all need some external validation to prop us up from time to time. However, the primary source of validation and understanding needs to come internally. That is a constant work-in-progress. Life happens and some of what happens cuts me off at the knees. When I think back to early recovery, I had to explore what I wanted to hear from people. First, I wanted people to tell me that I was an amazing nurse. I needed and wanted that validation when I actually wasn't the best nurse due to my physical and mental impairments due to alcoholism. Now that I am sober, I appreciate the feedback that I am a good nurse. I will never turn that down. At the same time, I don't need to hear it in order to get to work. It's OK for me to say, "Yeah, I am a good nurse. I am good teacher. Not everyone is going to jive with me, but I do my best to do right by those I serve." Now, catch me on a bad day when I got my ass handed to me by something or someone? I might see out a little reassurance that that moment time doesn't negate the entirety of my career.

I also carry an enormous amount of anxiety. My anxiety has all sorts of messaging that can lead me to seek out assurance or validation. I know today when to step back and see who/what is talking in that moment. Is it really the anxiety talking? If so, let me take a moment to get out of my anxiety state and look at this situation from another perspective. I have so many examples of this in my life. A straightforward one is when I am confronted about something uncomfortable or challenges something I do feel confident about. A friend took a big leap of courage to tell me how I had disappointed them in how I handled something. Because I am a black and white thinker, I thought, oh no, they are right, they are going to dump me as a friend. This is the end of our friendship. I am so horrible. I can't believe I did this. They are totally right. What do I do? Well, first, a sincere apology was warranted and accept responsibility for my actions/decision. Then, a sincere commitment to be better. Guess what, they accepted that and forgave me. 

If I were in a self-pity place, I would have seen that interaction as an attack on my character. I would have not taken responsibility. I would call four other people and tell my "version" of the situation and make sure those individuals validate me. I would have ended the friendship. I would assume a stance that they hurt me by calling me out. Everyone always does this to me. This is exactly why I don't like letting people get close to me, they just disappoint me by being mean to me. That is not what happened at all. I made a bad call. I am a human being. They cared and loved me enough to have the hard conversation with me, let me know that I had disappointed them, and allowed me the opportunity to make it better. Still friends today.

I may continue on this topic in a future blog. As I sit here and think about this topic, it is just interesting to figure out where to find this line. I know some clear cut examples, but I have plenty of situation that sit in the gray!

Peace!
J

Image by alan9187 from Pixabay ​
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Several months ago, I decided to upgrade my YouTube account to premium. It was a little treat to myself so I could watch hours of videos without annoying ads. I can see how easy it is to find a topic and go down the rabbit hole. Not to mention, any video I watch is thrown into the AI machine and 25 similar videos are recommended. I found a few gems here and there so I don't totally hate it. 

I have been interested in watching these videos about today's motivational speakers and how toxic positivity is the primary foundation of most of what they talk about. Over the years, I have sought out motivational speakers. A lot of who I looked for were people in recovery. The recovery folks, as far as I remember, never really got on the toxic positivity bandwagon which I am truly grateful for. Having gone through active addiction and continuing to work on mental health, telling me to just "think positive thoughts" wasn't going to cut it. In fact, I get kind of testy if that is the entirety of the message. It's much more complicated than that. 

Where positivity turns into toxic territory for me is when I am experiencing strong or deep emotions - loss, regret, sadness, loneliness. If I took that leap to be vulnerable with someone and expressed those feelings, I sure as hell don't want to hear, "You are CHOOSING that. Stop it! Think positive thoughts!" The message I hear is those feels are not valid. I need to stuff them down and go on as if nothing is wrong. And, I chose addiction and mental illness to be a part of my life. Seriously? Of all the things I could choose for myself, I chose 18 years of suffering? In my active addiction, I wasn't choosing much of anything because I didn't know getting sober was a possibility for me. I wasn't sure how to get help or what help would work. My brain was so addicted that I confused survival with alcohol. No amount of positive thinking was going to change that. The only "positive" thoughts I had - I was positively going to get drunk the minute I could.

When I started DBT, my therapist and worked hard on reframing thoughts and thinking about gratitude. This is not to be confused with "THINK POSITIVE!" messaging. I was on a very basic level trying to change my inner dialogue from "I can't do this" to "Maybe I might be able to". That is a far cry from "I can't so this" to "I can do anything I put my mind to and succeed because I am CHOOSING to ignore my cravings and make every life change I need to support sobriety!" I was choosing to make steps toward a more positive life. But I had years of ingrained beliefs and perceptions that needed to be erased. As I was erasing certain beliefs, I worked with my therapist to substitute more positive beliefs about myself. That is far from someone telling me that the chemical imbalance in my brain is not real. 

I think back to conversations that I have had with people, hoping that I hadn't crossed that line into toxic positivity. When people seek advice or support from me, especially if that person is in early recovery, I might suggest a gratitude list. List 5 things you are grateful for today. The goal is to simply remind myself that despite having strong negative feelings, there are good things in my life that I need to remain connected to so that the negativity doesn't completely overwhelm me. I really hope that this suggestion was not taken as "ignore all your feelings. Be grateful for something because you have a lot more than other people." It's not about comparing, it's about connection.

One the skills in DBT is "comparing" which I was told right out of the gate that this might not be the right skill for me. The great thing about DBT for me is that 20+ skills were laid out in front of me. I learned about them, tried them, and like any good AA meeting, I took what I needed and left the rest. The comparing skill is not about comparing my situation to another person. That can be very dangerous. Self-pity can sneak in and ruin any attempts to shift my mood in a different direction. As an example, I could ask myself why I am sad when there are children dying of starvation across the world? Wow, that is a hell of a comparison. By that standard, I am not allowed to feel bad about anything, ever, because I am not a starving child. That does not mean that I don't care about starving children. I do. And I am allowed to have some challenging feelings as I am finding recovery and working through an episode of depression. A healthier comparison would be "while I am struggling today, my overall situation has improved a lot from 10 years ago when I felt this way and didn't know how to cope with it." I know how to use that skill now, but it took years to figure out a way to not negate my experience and make sure the comparison is relevant.

After watching all these videos about toxic positivity, it became very clear to me how easy it is to slip into the oversimplification of complex emotions. A year or two ago I wrote about all the "motivational" memes that were flying through my feed at the time. I don't hate little one line reminders to be grateful or spend time looking at the stars. What I do despise are these overly aggressive suggestions that if I am not in a state of complete happiness I am failing, that I am "choosing" whatever life experience is difficult for me right now, and that basically I am whining. For YEARS, society told people to pick yourself up by your bootstraps. We were finally getting some where with recognition that we are complex beings, with complex emotions, and maybe weren't given the tools to deal with the complexity. We started to recognize that depression isn't "just being sad" and anxiety wasn't "someone over reacting". We started to see that our brains are complex and most everyone could benefit from support now and again to figure out how to navigate rough waters. Now, it feels like we are reverting back to depression being a weakness of character. Anxiety is not real. Mental illness and addiction are 100% a choice. 

Social media is a double edged sword for me. I feel I have a pretty good grasp on the fact that what most people post on social media is not anywhere near an accurate reflection of what life is day to day. I can tell you that I do choose all pictures of myself wisely. I can tell you that I post funny memes even when I don't feel like laughing. I like to share aspects of my life I am proud of and refrain from using social media as a place to process more complex issues in my daily life. I suppose I do in a way by posting my blog there. That is purposeful on my part as this blog/writing are part of a therapeutic process for myself. I am never obsessed with the number of readers I get. Some times, I get surprised when someone mentions it. Like, "Oh you read it! Thank you!" 

On the other side, I like social media as a way to connect with people. I work nights, I am too busy. Social media, despite all the ads and algorithms, I like to see what people are up to. I like seeing and sharing in their successes. It gives me a sense of connectedness when my life and schedule keep me from being able to do much of that in person. 

Anyway, just some thoughts I have had rolling around in my head. I am almost done with school so that I can go back to writing about this that are FAR more interesting to me that nursing curriculum evaluations. :)

Love to you all,
Julie

Image by Adrian from Pixabay ​

Despite feeling bad about going the lengths I did to advocate for myself, it worked. I know I am not the only one that struggles with feeling bad about standing up for ourselves. I tried to dig a little deeper to find out why I would feel bad about doing something that was right for myself. Before I jump into that rabbit hole, let me give you a quick update.

For those who didn't read my last blog: I got a review at work. It was very "middle" of the road. I am way better than "middle of the road." I went back and forth for a day with my manager and HR. I was given really lame excuses as to why I was given a 3/5 score. 

Now we are all on the same page here! I wrote out a page long explanation of why I felt their scoring was grossly inadequate. If there is one thing I do know about myself is that I am a good nurse. It is one area of my life that I am willing to fight for. In fact, threatening my nursing career was one of the few things that got my attention to stop drinking.

I said my peace, signed the review that was "OK", and decided it was time to move on. I woke up the next day with a message from my supervisor telling me that my review had been updated. Suddenly I was at a 4.6/5. I was gracious to her for that change. I know that she was told what she was able to give nurses. I don't know what kind of conversation they had in the background but suddenly I went from "generally meets expectations/satisfactory" to "outstanding". I advocated and something changed.''

So, why did I feel bad about that? I thought I was complaining about something that didn't really matter. Reviews are just something that my agency has to do. The raises for this area of healthcare are more dependent on reimbursement rates for services versus actual performance. I was told my 3.5/5 was one of the highest reviews given. If that is the case, I "should" be happy the highest review was mine and leave it alone. I can be highly reactionary in certain situations, so I often wonder if my guilt is the check and balance mechanism I need to keep my mouth in check. All of my justifications for my guilt didn't really seem to explain very well to me why I would need to feel guilty about speaking up.

Maybe I need more practice in speaking up. I wanted a career in advocacy when I first got sober. I wanted to share my experience and story in the hopes of making change. I advocated regularly for the patient's I worked over the years. I am capable of advocating. I have advocated for others pretty regularly and on a rare occasion for myself. What becomes so difficult for me is that by advocating for something, someone, or myself, I have to "take a side" so to speak. If I am advocating for change, something in the current set-up is not working. If I am advocating for someone, there is another person in the mix that is not providing what I think is right. If I am advocating for myself, I am telling the other person or entity I disagree with their opinion or perception of me. You know what all three of these situations have in common? I have the potential of upsetting someone, making someone mad, and risking them not respecting or liking me anymore. Ugh. 

I am 46 years old. At what point in my life do I finally stop caring what other people think or feel about me? I still feel like all of these years into recovery, I still struggle with that people-pleasing, everyone needs to like me phenomenon. Why? I don't like when people are mad at me! I am also under the false pretense that if someone is mad at me, our relationship is over. You know why I believe that? Because I do that to other people. I can get mad about certain things here and there and not destroy the relationships. However, I certainly can destroy a relationship if a certain line is crossed. The sad part about that though, is ghosting someone in that circumstance does not allow them to know what happened. I won't advocate for myself. I put all my anger and resentment on that other person because they "should have known" and the relationship is done. I have cut out a number of people this way. It's probably about 70%-30% split of people who did deserve that (70%) and the rest that didn't even have a change to talk with me about my issue. 

I am cool with having done what I did related to the review now. I spun around for a few days after the new review came out. Did I overreact in this situation? Why was I making such a big deal? In reality, I know the level of care I provide. I have a lot of choices for work if I want it. I want to work where I am working and I want to be recognized for the level of care I give. Telling me I am "OK" is NOT the perception I have of how I do my job. Ultimately, they agreed. Ultimately, I think they could tell the degree to which I was offended and making no change could result in me giving my notice. A failure to recognize good workers will bite employers in the behind, especially in a tight market.

I talked with my therapist and read through the emails. I was very professional (although, I didn't want to me). I made my opinion known and did not accept "we're sorry you feel this way". I provided concrete evidence of why I had earned a higher rating of my performance. My therapist was very proud as he has also received the "Julie-experience" during a moment of profound disagreement. I believe he told me wasn't sure if I was coming back. Likewise, I blew up at work a few times so he knows how I can behave when I am offended. He was such a proud therapist. Now we have to work on this whole "why do I feel guilty for doing something 100% reasonable." Some times issues like these are buried under years of bad habits, ineffective communication skills, and emotional dysregulation. I really felt like when I got sober at age 33, I was really starting at the age of 15 emotionally. I didn't regulate well. I was so used to playing both sides of the fence to keep everyone happy that I rarely took an opinion at all. In fact, I didn't have a solid connection to any opinion. I can't live in the middle all the time!

I know this guilt stuff comes down to making someone made at me. I do feel like that desire to have the whole world like me is fading. I am at least will to take a side on something. There are things I will no longer tolerate. I am able to establish boundaries for myself and others. A work in progress I suppose. 

I thought I better tell folks I won the battle the mediocre review! 

Take care all!
​Julie

Image by John Hain from Pixabay ​

I find advocacy challenging, whether I am advocate for change or for myself. When I started this blog 12 years ago, I had hoped to give a voice to recovery and what it was like in the grips of crippling addiction. I felt so gracious that I got a chance to change my life and pretty impressed with myself that I was able to get there. The road is challenging, no doubt. The road, however, is so much easier to see and I have choices in the direction and speed in which I travel.

This week I had two reviews at work. One was stellar and while I wouldn't expect them to say that I was a big slacker that didn't pull my weight, it is always nice to hear that my time and efforts are appreciated. The feedback from my peers was heartwarming. "I am excited when I see Julie on the schedule." "She learns so quickly and just jumps in wherever!" That is the person I try to be and my jobs have usually acknowledged that. I walked away with a bounce in my step and thanked my peers a lot on Tuesday for sharing such nice things. 

The second review was "ok". I was recognized as a "stellar nurse," yet only received a "Generally meets expectations/satisfactory." I was legitimately crushed. This review was the worst I have received in the past 20 years. While I don't ever not try to do the best I can, I really feel like I go way above and beyond every day. I drove in harsh weather conditions. I travelled with my patient. I get really creative with our activities. I showed up without calling in except for one shift in 365 days. I picked up over full-time hours to help with coverage when a nurse was out. The family wrote me a card for my birthday last month that said "God gave us to you and we couldn't be any more thrilled with the care you provide. You have an obvious compassion for our girl and your occupation." 

Let me preface a bit on why I feel quite rejected by this review. Nursing is everything to me. While it shouldn't be the reason I live and breathe, it's pretty close. When I couldn't find a reason to stay sober, threatening my ability to be a nurse was the only thing that broke through the fog of addiction. I agreed to do things for sobriety I never thought I could do or wanted to do. I changed my whole life in 2020. I left a secure job that I was reasonably good at. I took on more student loan debt. I worked as much as I could and attended school full-time. For nursing. Because nursing means so much to me. I kept going and will now secure a masters in nursing by this summer. I am in honors status in school. Nursing is where I excel. 

In the counseling world, I didn't have the same type of esteem I have as a nurse. I know my worth as a nurse. I know I am good at what I do. I want to learn more. I want to do more. I want to explore. I never quite hit that level of passion in substance abuse, although I carry the same passion about helping people the best way I know how in that world. The focus is becoming more clear that I am meant to teach nurses about behavioral health. Both of my passions are now under the umbrella of being an educator which is beyond exciting for me. 

So, when I read through my review, I didn't get much for feedback. Three 4 out of 5 ratings and three 3 out of 5 ratings. Now, one thing I know about myself is that I am highly reactive. That reactivity is what gets in trouble. It feeds on my defensiveness and I get quite aggressive as if I am a mama bear defending a child. I can say things that are not constructive and are personal, not professional. I had to take a minute and get that out of my system before I decided what the next step was. I was asked to sign this review. It was not reviewed with me, just submitted to the HR portal. I decided to ask my supervisor why I was given "generally meets expectations". I had received no feedback that I was not meeting expectations. I talked with the family I work for and they were shocked to hear that I would be recognized as an "OK" employee who does the job but not much else. 

The response was that she cannot give 5s. A 3 is good. This was a high review. I did give you some 4s Feel free to call with questions. I kept the message short and to the point. I did not feel that this review adequately reflected my efforts. I did not find that response helpful. I decided I would only sign this review if I were able to comment. I couldn't figure it out so I emailed HR to get the instructions. I mentioned in that email that "generally meets expectations" and "satisfactory" was not accurate. I met this supervisor once. The family was not solicited for feedback. The comments on the review were minimal. I had no goals in my review. The areas of review were highly generalized with no metrics to compare against to determine my level of achievement.

The response I got from that email was that the system is woefully inadequate in its language. HR was sorry I felt this way. I was told I am spoken highly of and my contributions "are noticed" and "appreciated." HR doesn't create goals because no one likes them. Supervisors are coached that 5s are not possible because it means a person has achieved perfection and no person is perfect. Basically, sorry you feel bad. Your review doesn't reflect your efforts. We will not be changing anything. Feel free to add your comments.

I wrote back one final note stating I had added my comments and I did sign the review, although I continue to disagree with the perception of my performance in this review. If they would be willing to talk with the family, I feel they would change their minds. I mentioned that it may feel like I am making a big fuss about a decent review, giving me a 3/5 is hurtful. I don't strive to "OK". My supervisor wrote me back again and said this email thread made her think about what marks she gives. She wanted me to know that she advocates for good nurses and apologizes that the language is hurtful.

This whole review thing has been just sitting in my head. Did I react to fast and put my feelings out there for no reason? Did I make things worse by speaking my truth? And you know what? No. I didn't do anything wrong. I feel like I advocated for myself to be recognized accurately. I kept my tone professional and acknowledged parts of their reasoning. I will remain steadfast, however, that the final score does not accurately capture everything I have tried to do in this position. 

I think what really gets me is that this is the first position in quite some time that I am happy doing. Missing only one day of work in the past year means I don't feel the need to talk myself out of every shift. I just get up and do it without a lot of pomp and circumstance. That's a really good thing for me. I will justify missing work in a 1,000 different ways when I am not happy. I talk about this position to others a lot because it feels like a special assignment that is super fun. I demonstrate many technical skills as well. I am willing to do the extra little things to make the team function well and to keep my client safe and happy. 

I advocated for myself, although nothing changed which is quite the disappointment. I want to say more things but I know I made my point. I know what I do and how well I do it. I know the family has my back. The client and family are extremely happy and that is what matters most to me. I hope that I can move on the feelings of hurt and disappointment in a rapid fashion. I always have 10,000 options for a new job. I don't really want one, though. I will, however, be mindful that if this kind of feedback continues, I will move along to a position that adequately acknowledges my efforts. I guess I didn't know exactly how important those words are to me. I guess when I hold a lot of confidence about something, works like "satisfactory" burst my bubble. I start to doubt myself and think I hold my skills and knowledge higher than I should. For 20 years, my reviews in nursing have always been almost at the top of rating scale. Even when I was using, I still pulled more weight than some of my peers. 

I have been writing some. I have opted not to publish my last view entries. I sort of lost my way in a few of those entries. Hopefully I can get around to doing some editing and offer more to read. As always, I am excited to see the number of reads I get on my blog. If you are reading this, THANK YOU!!!!

Peace,
​J                                

Image by Sus4n from Pixabay ​

I haven't been as active this year with writing as I would have liked. I feel as I get older, time moves so incredibly fast and writing seems to fall by the wayside. I have lots of ideas and things to write about. I am hopeful that I will get back into more regular posting in 2023. 

The year 2022 - wow - a rollercoaster for sure. The year started off on a very positive note with FINALLY getting my RN. I passed by boards a few days before my birthday. I talked myself out of getting this degree so many times. I am glad I took the plunge and got it done. The pay raise was certainly nice! I started giving some thought to what my next career steps were. I had started working in homecare in early 2021 because the schedule was flexible and gave me some time to get back up on nursing skills at the bedside I hadn't done for about 10 years. 

I looked at several listings everyday and listened to my classmates who were getting jobs at hospitals or traveling agencies. I heard how much they were getting paid and thought about it for a minute. But only a minute. If there is something that I have learned in my years of working is that EVERY time I have chased money, I end up miserable. The nature of nursing right now is sign on bonuses that required a period of time to stay or else the money has to be paid back. So, if I prioritized the money and went for it, I would need to stay and who knows what would happen if I didn't like it. I didn't do the RN thing to work in the hospital. I have never had any interest. I prefer community-based. 

Transplant was still on the docket. I had stepped aside last summer. I miss it. The job was incredibly unique and I should probably write a book with all stories and experiences over the years. I was asked if I wanted to stay on the team. As much as I wanted to say "yes", I needed to think about where I wanted my career to go. Transplant is stressful with long hours and any level of chaos per shift. While I thrive sometimes in that, I am also getting older and staying up for 24+ and doing that level of intense work was no longer viable for me. Fortunately, my transplant people put me in contact with another department that was of interest: Education. 

I started in the education department in May. It was a great transition and I really have a lot of fun with the team and doing training for new hires. It feels natural and like a good spot for me. I was so fortunate to be welcomed with open arms and a flexible schedule so I could keep a causal position. I had been offered a full-time position a few times. Again, I was interested and the money was better than what I make, but I like my current full time job and I like working nights. 

So, I remained in homecare and shifted my hours over to one client. The experience is beyond what I could have dreamed of. the environment is fun, the client is great, I get to play and goof around with her and get to provide 1:1 nursing so I don't fight to get everything done. I really had no intention of staying after I graduated. I never found anything that offered what I get out of my work experience right now. I complain very little. Would I like more pay? Sure, but it pays the bills, my stress is low, and I have a good time. And I work nights which is by far my preferred schedule. 

I am more than grateful that my job has been as stable as it has been. 2022 heralded some losses that still raw and painful. One of my best friends, Kim G. left this earth suddenly in July. I cried for weeks and wondered if people ever died from a broken heart. I still tear up thinking about her and wondering why she is gone. Grief is complex and confusing. I just miss her so much. There are times when I am scrolling through my contacts and see her name. I think about all the hours we talked and what I wouldn't give for just one more chat. 

Then, my baby Duke. Duke was 15 years old and was my co-pilot in life for years. He was a snuggle monster. He had been declining for a while. He had the same condition as his sister. Neither Daisy nor Duke responded to medication management of their condition. I was left to watch them whither away for a year or more. Duke suffered a massive stroke. I had never seen him like he was. He had huge tears in his eyes so I knew that I had to be strong, be his mom, and let him go. I held him as he drifted away. That was the third cat I had to put down since mid-2020. My fragile heart felt like it exploded again. 

Fortunately, the year has shown me support from my family and friends. As much as I feel heart broken, more than a few people reached out with support and love. My family is amazing and this year brought us new adventures and memories to remind myself that 2022 wasn't all pain. I have amazing friends who reached out and reminded me that I am never alone. They gave me space (but not too much space) when I was struggling, encouraged me to get out when I didn't want to, and checked in to make sure I wasn't hiding from the world. Like I said, time is moving so fast, I would hate to look back and think I missed a ton of it. Part of mending this broken heart is finding a way to move forward with life as it is now. I am still in the process of accepting that life is the way it is now. I just don't want it to be that way and I find it unfair. No one ever told me that life was fair. A work in progress......

For the first time in 10 years, I have plans for New Years! TO and I go way back and have had some pretty similar experiences over the years. When we get together, we talk for hours and hours. We may have to set an alarm to remind us to celebrate the New Year. Otherwise we might just talk right through it (hahhahaha!)

Peace and love to you all!
​Julie 

Historically, I have been decent at writing something for Thanksgiving. I have to be honest, this year is just getting away from me. Time is moving so fast. So many things have happened. Nevertheless, it is important to spend a moment or two talking about things I am grateful for. In my mind, I have been in a more negative space mainly related to the losses I have experienced. Most recently, I lost my beloved cat Duke. I miss him terribly. He was such a good, sweet kitty. 

I had to work Thanksgiving this year. It's only fair since I didn't work a single holiday in 2021 which is really odd for nursing, especially in home care. Our client's needs don't take a day off. I felt somewhat obligated to pull my weight this year. Even though I didn't spend the day with my family, my job is quite nice and it was fun to see the excitement of the client I take care of. I did get to have a very nice breakfast with my Mom after the fact. Being in healthcare, you kind of get used to rescheduling holidays around a work schedule.

I am forever and always grateful for my family. I think we do a pretty good job of supporting and encouraging each other. I appreciate that my schedule allows me to see to my Mom a little more often and I even saw my sister and her family twice in one week! All of our schedules can be pretty crazy, so having the ability to see them more frequently is really amazing. Not to mention, the whole Covid isolation period prevented a lot of visits for a really long time. 

I am also grateful to the various friends in my life. Having lost a really close one reminds me to love the ones I have with me. I haven't been as social as I would like to be. Part of that is my decision to work nights. Part of it is trying to push through feelings of sadness and get out of the house. I have so many wonderful people in my life. So, if I have a "goal" for 2023, it's to connect more with folks. 

I am also really grateful for my job. After working several years at a place that nearly cost me health, happiness, and sanity, it is beyond amazing to be in the environment I am now. I started working home care in 2021. My school schedule got so wonky that I needed an incredibly flexible position. Home care can offer that. I had no intention of staying. Then, I get my assignments. Fast forward a year and half later, I am still with 2 of my 4 original assignments. I occasionally look around at other jobs out of curiosity. Yeah, I could earn more money. Yeah, I could probably get into leadership. But no. I like my clients. I like the stability. I like the comfort of the environment. I don't see anything that can offer the quality that I have no. I tell people often that I have chased money before. It never ends well. I am in a position to make my ends meet with what I do. Now I have benefits as well for which I am very grateful.

I am also grateful for school. I wish I didn't have such an expensive hobby. Alas, school feeds something for me. The type of education I am getting now is up my alley as well. When I went back to school for my first master's, I was excited about it as well. I felt a sense of purpose with that decision. I think I became disillusioned after a short while wondering if I had made the right decision. When I returned to school for my RN and now my MSN, it just feels right. The nursing stuff is my jam. I get pretty excited about the possibilities when I am done. Who know where this all might lead.

I am also grateful to all the folk who take time to read my blog. It means so much to me!! I hope you all had a great holiday!

​Julie

Image by Peggy und Marco Lachmann-Anke from Pixabay ​

My life has no shortage of profound experiences. Some of them negative, many of them positive. I find myself watching documentaries about people who have gone through some kind of transformation or connected with something that changed life as they knew it. Recently, I have been watching the documentaries about cults and see how easy it would be for people to get sucked in. In short, people like me. I feel like I am continuing to search for something but I don't know what. Some bigger? Something better? Something more? Something less? This nagging "something" is not going away. In some ways, I find this "something" to be a strong feeling. 

When I wanted to study abroad so badly my junior year of high school and again my junior year in college, I thought these were going to be life changes experiences. They were! Don't get me wrong, Those experiences didn't change my life in the way that I thought they would. Maybe my expectations were incorrect, or, more likely, I didn't know what I thought "life-changing" meant. I have great memories and connections from those days. While many of those days were hard and I experienced home-sickness just about every day while I was gone, I saw and experienced some pretty amazing things.

Then, I thought settling down and getting married would be the way my life would be. Well, we all know how that worked out. I won't say I will "never" get married or be in a significant relationship again, but my experiences have not been super positive and caused more heart-ache in my life. Because my heart is breaking for the loss of a few people and things right now, my heart is sort of shut off to those connections. While the connections are happy and fun, deep relationships have been lost whether I lost relationships because of my personal actions, I lost the relationship because of death, or the relationship failed over time. Any way I slice this one, really close relationships often have difficult endings for me. Seeking out a relationship while assuming it is going to end badly is probably not the best mindset to approach that whole ordeal.

Recovery then came. Recovery changed my life, no doubt. When I was learning things in the beginning, it was so exciting. Everything was so new and refreshing. When I watch a makeover show, I feel like I could submit my photo from detox and my photo of now and it would be clear how dramatically my life had changed for the positive. These feelings motivated me to go further in my education and even change careers. Again, I made some great connections, but the experience of grad school was huge letdown for me. I felt like I was going to change the world and spread recovery. I was going to do something big and exciting! I was going to see myself in doing something in advocacy. My first big position had that momentum. And, again, a huge letdown. Not only did the position drive me to the brink of sanity, all of the things that I thought were going to fulfill that "something" never happened. A majority of people didn't care what I was doing and my message fell flat.

In 2014, I got a chance to go a mission trip. I had heard so many stories about people having a life-changing experience on these trips. I made some great connections on this trip and really had some big ideas about things that I wanted to accomplish on that trip. Sadly, I learned how corrupt the area was that we traveled to and the severe limitations of what we could actually do during our time there. I talked with some of my other group members who had been on these trips before and they even said this mission trip was disappointing. 

So, I keep accomplishing things. I keep doing things - generally schooling. I have some ideas of things that I would like to do. But my life is missing something. I think this "something" is screaming louder after the loss of my friend, Kim. Life is so short and tomorrow is never guaranteed. If it were all to end suddenly, did I do what I wanted to do. In cliché terms - I have lived, I have laughed, I have loved. So, yeah I got some of the basics there. Have I accomplished what I wanted to? For the most part and I am doing what I want to do in terms of my career and my recovery. If it were all to end suddenly, I sure as hell hope that I am sober. That would be the biggest thing to me at this point.

Yet, here I am with this nagging something that is been hanging in my life since about 2013. What is it? What do I need? What do I want? I wish I knew because hanging with this feeling for nearly 10 years is driving me batty. The search remains "in process" I guess. Maybe I will sit with the universe and send out some stronger messages - "Hey, what's the 'thing' I need?"

I hope everyone is well. Take care of you!!
​Jules