It Worked

Image by Adrian from Pixabay ​

Despite feeling bad about going the lengths I did to advocate for myself, it worked. I know I am not the only one that struggles with feeling bad about standing up for ourselves. I tried to dig a little deeper to find out why I would feel bad about doing something that was right for myself. Before I jump into that rabbit hole, let me give you a quick update.

For those who didn't read my last blog: I got a review at work. It was very "middle" of the road. I am way better than "middle of the road." I went back and forth for a day with my manager and HR. I was given really lame excuses as to why I was given a 3/5 score. 

Now we are all on the same page here! I wrote out a page long explanation of why I felt their scoring was grossly inadequate. If there is one thing I do know about myself is that I am a good nurse. It is one area of my life that I am willing to fight for. In fact, threatening my nursing career was one of the few things that got my attention to stop drinking.

I said my peace, signed the review that was "OK", and decided it was time to move on. I woke up the next day with a message from my supervisor telling me that my review had been updated. Suddenly I was at a 4.6/5. I was gracious to her for that change. I know that she was told what she was able to give nurses. I don't know what kind of conversation they had in the background but suddenly I went from "generally meets expectations/satisfactory" to "outstanding". I advocated and something changed.''

So, why did I feel bad about that? I thought I was complaining about something that didn't really matter. Reviews are just something that my agency has to do. The raises for this area of healthcare are more dependent on reimbursement rates for services versus actual performance. I was told my 3.5/5 was one of the highest reviews given. If that is the case, I "should" be happy the highest review was mine and leave it alone. I can be highly reactionary in certain situations, so I often wonder if my guilt is the check and balance mechanism I need to keep my mouth in check. All of my justifications for my guilt didn't really seem to explain very well to me why I would need to feel guilty about speaking up.

Maybe I need more practice in speaking up. I wanted a career in advocacy when I first got sober. I wanted to share my experience and story in the hopes of making change. I advocated regularly for the patient's I worked over the years. I am capable of advocating. I have advocated for others pretty regularly and on a rare occasion for myself. What becomes so difficult for me is that by advocating for something, someone, or myself, I have to "take a side" so to speak. If I am advocating for change, something in the current set-up is not working. If I am advocating for someone, there is another person in the mix that is not providing what I think is right. If I am advocating for myself, I am telling the other person or entity I disagree with their opinion or perception of me. You know what all three of these situations have in common? I have the potential of upsetting someone, making someone mad, and risking them not respecting or liking me anymore. Ugh. 

I am 46 years old. At what point in my life do I finally stop caring what other people think or feel about me? I still feel like all of these years into recovery, I still struggle with that people-pleasing, everyone needs to like me phenomenon. Why? I don't like when people are mad at me! I am also under the false pretense that if someone is mad at me, our relationship is over. You know why I believe that? Because I do that to other people. I can get mad about certain things here and there and not destroy the relationships. However, I certainly can destroy a relationship if a certain line is crossed. The sad part about that though, is ghosting someone in that circumstance does not allow them to know what happened. I won't advocate for myself. I put all my anger and resentment on that other person because they "should have known" and the relationship is done. I have cut out a number of people this way. It's probably about 70%-30% split of people who did deserve that (70%) and the rest that didn't even have a change to talk with me about my issue. 

I am cool with having done what I did related to the review now. I spun around for a few days after the new review came out. Did I overreact in this situation? Why was I making such a big deal? In reality, I know the level of care I provide. I have a lot of choices for work if I want it. I want to work where I am working and I want to be recognized for the level of care I give. Telling me I am "OK" is NOT the perception I have of how I do my job. Ultimately, they agreed. Ultimately, I think they could tell the degree to which I was offended and making no change could result in me giving my notice. A failure to recognize good workers will bite employers in the behind, especially in a tight market.

I talked with my therapist and read through the emails. I was very professional (although, I didn't want to me). I made my opinion known and did not accept "we're sorry you feel this way". I provided concrete evidence of why I had earned a higher rating of my performance. My therapist was very proud as he has also received the "Julie-experience" during a moment of profound disagreement. I believe he told me wasn't sure if I was coming back. Likewise, I blew up at work a few times so he knows how I can behave when I am offended. He was such a proud therapist. Now we have to work on this whole "why do I feel guilty for doing something 100% reasonable." Some times issues like these are buried under years of bad habits, ineffective communication skills, and emotional dysregulation. I really felt like when I got sober at age 33, I was really starting at the age of 15 emotionally. I didn't regulate well. I was so used to playing both sides of the fence to keep everyone happy that I rarely took an opinion at all. In fact, I didn't have a solid connection to any opinion. I can't live in the middle all the time!

I know this guilt stuff comes down to making someone made at me. I do feel like that desire to have the whole world like me is fading. I am at least will to take a side on something. There are things I will no longer tolerate. I am able to establish boundaries for myself and others. A work in progress I suppose. 

I thought I better tell folks I won the battle the mediocre review! 

Take care all!
​Julie