Self-Advocacy

Image by John Hain from Pixabay ​

I find advocacy challenging, whether I am advocate for change or for myself. When I started this blog 12 years ago, I had hoped to give a voice to recovery and what it was like in the grips of crippling addiction. I felt so gracious that I got a chance to change my life and pretty impressed with myself that I was able to get there. The road is challenging, no doubt. The road, however, is so much easier to see and I have choices in the direction and speed in which I travel.

This week I had two reviews at work. One was stellar and while I wouldn't expect them to say that I was a big slacker that didn't pull my weight, it is always nice to hear that my time and efforts are appreciated. The feedback from my peers was heartwarming. "I am excited when I see Julie on the schedule." "She learns so quickly and just jumps in wherever!" That is the person I try to be and my jobs have usually acknowledged that. I walked away with a bounce in my step and thanked my peers a lot on Tuesday for sharing such nice things. 

The second review was "ok". I was recognized as a "stellar nurse," yet only received a "Generally meets expectations/satisfactory." I was legitimately crushed. This review was the worst I have received in the past 20 years. While I don't ever not try to do the best I can, I really feel like I go way above and beyond every day. I drove in harsh weather conditions. I travelled with my patient. I get really creative with our activities. I showed up without calling in except for one shift in 365 days. I picked up over full-time hours to help with coverage when a nurse was out. The family wrote me a card for my birthday last month that said "God gave us to you and we couldn't be any more thrilled with the care you provide. You have an obvious compassion for our girl and your occupation." 

Let me preface a bit on why I feel quite rejected by this review. Nursing is everything to me. While it shouldn't be the reason I live and breathe, it's pretty close. When I couldn't find a reason to stay sober, threatening my ability to be a nurse was the only thing that broke through the fog of addiction. I agreed to do things for sobriety I never thought I could do or wanted to do. I changed my whole life in 2020. I left a secure job that I was reasonably good at. I took on more student loan debt. I worked as much as I could and attended school full-time. For nursing. Because nursing means so much to me. I kept going and will now secure a masters in nursing by this summer. I am in honors status in school. Nursing is where I excel. 

In the counseling world, I didn't have the same type of esteem I have as a nurse. I know my worth as a nurse. I know I am good at what I do. I want to learn more. I want to do more. I want to explore. I never quite hit that level of passion in substance abuse, although I carry the same passion about helping people the best way I know how in that world. The focus is becoming more clear that I am meant to teach nurses about behavioral health. Both of my passions are now under the umbrella of being an educator which is beyond exciting for me. 

So, when I read through my review, I didn't get much for feedback. Three 4 out of 5 ratings and three 3 out of 5 ratings. Now, one thing I know about myself is that I am highly reactive. That reactivity is what gets in trouble. It feeds on my defensiveness and I get quite aggressive as if I am a mama bear defending a child. I can say things that are not constructive and are personal, not professional. I had to take a minute and get that out of my system before I decided what the next step was. I was asked to sign this review. It was not reviewed with me, just submitted to the HR portal. I decided to ask my supervisor why I was given "generally meets expectations". I had received no feedback that I was not meeting expectations. I talked with the family I work for and they were shocked to hear that I would be recognized as an "OK" employee who does the job but not much else. 

The response was that she cannot give 5s. A 3 is good. This was a high review. I did give you some 4s Feel free to call with questions. I kept the message short and to the point. I did not feel that this review adequately reflected my efforts. I did not find that response helpful. I decided I would only sign this review if I were able to comment. I couldn't figure it out so I emailed HR to get the instructions. I mentioned in that email that "generally meets expectations" and "satisfactory" was not accurate. I met this supervisor once. The family was not solicited for feedback. The comments on the review were minimal. I had no goals in my review. The areas of review were highly generalized with no metrics to compare against to determine my level of achievement.

The response I got from that email was that the system is woefully inadequate in its language. HR was sorry I felt this way. I was told I am spoken highly of and my contributions "are noticed" and "appreciated." HR doesn't create goals because no one likes them. Supervisors are coached that 5s are not possible because it means a person has achieved perfection and no person is perfect. Basically, sorry you feel bad. Your review doesn't reflect your efforts. We will not be changing anything. Feel free to add your comments.

I wrote back one final note stating I had added my comments and I did sign the review, although I continue to disagree with the perception of my performance in this review. If they would be willing to talk with the family, I feel they would change their minds. I mentioned that it may feel like I am making a big fuss about a decent review, giving me a 3/5 is hurtful. I don't strive to "OK". My supervisor wrote me back again and said this email thread made her think about what marks she gives. She wanted me to know that she advocates for good nurses and apologizes that the language is hurtful.

This whole review thing has been just sitting in my head. Did I react to fast and put my feelings out there for no reason? Did I make things worse by speaking my truth? And you know what? No. I didn't do anything wrong. I feel like I advocated for myself to be recognized accurately. I kept my tone professional and acknowledged parts of their reasoning. I will remain steadfast, however, that the final score does not accurately capture everything I have tried to do in this position. 

I think what really gets me is that this is the first position in quite some time that I am happy doing. Missing only one day of work in the past year means I don't feel the need to talk myself out of every shift. I just get up and do it without a lot of pomp and circumstance. That's a really good thing for me. I will justify missing work in a 1,000 different ways when I am not happy. I talk about this position to others a lot because it feels like a special assignment that is super fun. I demonstrate many technical skills as well. I am willing to do the extra little things to make the team function well and to keep my client safe and happy. 

I advocated for myself, although nothing changed which is quite the disappointment. I want to say more things but I know I made my point. I know what I do and how well I do it. I know the family has my back. The client and family are extremely happy and that is what matters most to me. I hope that I can move on the feelings of hurt and disappointment in a rapid fashion. I always have 10,000 options for a new job. I don't really want one, though. I will, however, be mindful that if this kind of feedback continues, I will move along to a position that adequately acknowledges my efforts. I guess I didn't know exactly how important those words are to me. I guess when I hold a lot of confidence about something, works like "satisfactory" burst my bubble. I start to doubt myself and think I hold my skills and knowledge higher than I should. For 20 years, my reviews in nursing have always been almost at the top of rating scale. Even when I was using, I still pulled more weight than some of my peers. 

I have been writing some. I have opted not to publish my last view entries. I sort of lost my way in a few of those entries. Hopefully I can get around to doing some editing and offer more to read. As always, I am excited to see the number of reads I get on my blog. If you are reading this, THANK YOU!!!!

Peace,
​J