Intent vs Impact

Image by Kai Vogel from Pixabay

I decided to switch music services and got a subscription to YouTube Premium. This subscription gives me ad-free access to all the videos on the platform. Oh, the rabbit holes I have been diving down since I finished school! One thing I know about myself is that I love other people's drama. YouTube is FULL of it. I was watching another one of the YouTuber's fall from grace this week and one of the reaction videos had a pretty interesting discussion that caught my attention. This YouTuber basically stated she never had any bad intentions despite some pretty awful behavior. The commentator said "intention doesn't matter, it is the impact." Oh how very true.....

One of the things that scared me about getting into sobriety was having to face the impact of all of my behavior. The impact was wide and varied in intensity. Small or enormous, I was not feeling great about being confronted with about it. I was so ashamed and I felt really bad. I never meant to hurt people. Yet, I did. The idea of amends was hard. Not that I didn't want to tell people whom I had hurt that I was sorry. More so, I was scared to hear about the degree I had hurt them. I wanted to acknowledge what I had done, apologize, and promise to do better. I really wanted to have those conversations without anyone telling me what I had done. Some of it was embarrassing, some of it was mean, some of it was malicious, and some of it was careless/thoughtless. I could just hear myself saying "I really didn't mean to harm you. I would never intent that for anyone that was in my life." Yet, I did. And I was wanting to hide in any hole I could find. 

When in the throughs of addiction, "I didn't mean to...." is a pretty regular statement. I didn't mean to miss our time together. I didn't mean to ignore your calls. I didn't mean to dump on you when I called in drunken stupor. I didn't mean to be so needy. I didn't mean to say those mean things. The reality is, though, it all happened. My intention was not to do that. I picked up a drink and all hell broke loose. I lost my inhibition and control. I proceeded to act a fool, creating distress for others, hide from reality, make excuses, and flat-out hurt people. The response of "I really didn't mean to" falls really flat in those moments. Everyone has heard that before. An apology is pretty hollow as well if there is no change to the behavior driving all of this chaos. 

In general, I am a pretty sensitive person. I hate when others feel disappointed in me or I have cause upset to them. In my mind, I assume that whatever I have done is not a forgivable thing and I will lose the relationship from it. When I work from that place, I get highly defensive and want to deflect the blame so that I am not 100% responsible for it; hoping that this approach may save the relationship. Also, I will deflect because I am horribly embarrassed for my behavior, I believe that people will see me in a totally different light. I will lose their respect and friendship. I am not sure where all of this comes from. I do, however, know that I have done that for as long as I can remember, even as a child. It was OK for me to get annoyed or upset with someone else but if that was directed at me, I fell apart. Either I would avoid that person going forward so as to not have to admit what I had done. Or I would create lies or deflect the issues in anyway I could so that I was not being held responsible. It's something that I still struggle with today. At the base of that is fear. 

I watch these people who are making videos about all sorts of different topics. Occasionally, I read through the comments and I start to get the feelings of distress when people are negative. Even in the case of when people are providing a solid counterpoint, I feel this need to defend the person making the video. Occasionally. they will read the outright mean comments as a part of the video and react to them. I feel great discomfort even if they are laughing at the absurdity of the comment. I think, "doesn't that hurt your feelings? Don't you feel bad when people are commenting on your nose or your hair?" I am sure that they do for a second or two, but they also come to the conclusion that some people are mean just for the fun of it and they can let it go.

It is the fear of people confirming something negative that I already feel about myself. I don't hold myself in the highest regard. I know I have positive traits - I care, I am smart, I am driven, I am a good teacher, I am a good nurse, I am a good auntie, I am a good cat mama, etc. etc. However, when it comes to how I look or how I choose to express myself, I am highly (arguably overly) sensitive. When someone disagrees with me, I will automatically assume that I am wrong and start to question everything. That sensitivity holds me back from a lot of things I would enjoy exploring. I am not so much scared of failure per se. I am more concerned about not being good at something in front of others. It is such a strange thing considering public speaking is one of my favorite things. I present ideas that people may or may not agree with, yet I can be easily heartbroken if I am confronted with conflicting information. For example, the last presentation I did about alcoholism and gastric bypass surgery, I felt like I had a heckler in the audience. I felt like he was trying to knock me off of my game by questioning the legitimacy of my research, my own thoughts about potential links, and discussion special treatment considerations. If that was the intention, he did it and I have not presented about that topic since then. Those interactions roll around in my head every time I look to update the presentation.

I turned off the automatic comments (they have to be approved by me) when I had a series of people respond to any post I did about AA. "You're in a cult." "AA is evil." "You are judgmental." I delete those comments now because I think I have made it clear I support any and all avenues to recovery, etc. But, I will more likely think about those comments when writing new entries than the 100s of positive messages/feedback I have received over the past 10 years. I think I am especially sensitive here because I am the most vulnerable here. The last time I said the word vulnerable in a therapy session, I choked on my own spit. Not intentionally, mind you, but I thought it was a fitting reaction for me and that word. When people take the opportunity to slam me about things I feel passionate about, I basically shut down. I hope to continue to work to change that response. 

I am trying to learn to push through and open my mind to some new things. I remain steadfast that I have something big inside of me related to recovery. I am still not sure what that is. Heck, I may already be doing it, but I still feel like something is missing or I could go bigger. Now that school is done, I am starting to think of my next moves. Professionally, I have that all set for right now. I am interested in expanding my social/personal world with new hobbies, etc. My hope is to continue to make positive impacts on the world around me by living a fulfilling life that brings me and others joy. 

Peace,
​Julie