Toxic Positivity Part 2

Image by alan9187 from Pixabay ​
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Several months ago, I decided to upgrade my YouTube account to premium. It was a little treat to myself so I could watch hours of videos without annoying ads. I can see how easy it is to find a topic and go down the rabbit hole. Not to mention, any video I watch is thrown into the AI machine and 25 similar videos are recommended. I found a few gems here and there so I don't totally hate it. 

I have been interested in watching these videos about today's motivational speakers and how toxic positivity is the primary foundation of most of what they talk about. Over the years, I have sought out motivational speakers. A lot of who I looked for were people in recovery. The recovery folks, as far as I remember, never really got on the toxic positivity bandwagon which I am truly grateful for. Having gone through active addiction and continuing to work on mental health, telling me to just "think positive thoughts" wasn't going to cut it. In fact, I get kind of testy if that is the entirety of the message. It's much more complicated than that. 

Where positivity turns into toxic territory for me is when I am experiencing strong or deep emotions - loss, regret, sadness, loneliness. If I took that leap to be vulnerable with someone and expressed those feelings, I sure as hell don't want to hear, "You are CHOOSING that. Stop it! Think positive thoughts!" The message I hear is those feels are not valid. I need to stuff them down and go on as if nothing is wrong. And, I chose addiction and mental illness to be a part of my life. Seriously? Of all the things I could choose for myself, I chose 18 years of suffering? In my active addiction, I wasn't choosing much of anything because I didn't know getting sober was a possibility for me. I wasn't sure how to get help or what help would work. My brain was so addicted that I confused survival with alcohol. No amount of positive thinking was going to change that. The only "positive" thoughts I had - I was positively going to get drunk the minute I could.

When I started DBT, my therapist and worked hard on reframing thoughts and thinking about gratitude. This is not to be confused with "THINK POSITIVE!" messaging. I was on a very basic level trying to change my inner dialogue from "I can't do this" to "Maybe I might be able to". That is a far cry from "I can't so this" to "I can do anything I put my mind to and succeed because I am CHOOSING to ignore my cravings and make every life change I need to support sobriety!" I was choosing to make steps toward a more positive life. But I had years of ingrained beliefs and perceptions that needed to be erased. As I was erasing certain beliefs, I worked with my therapist to substitute more positive beliefs about myself. That is far from someone telling me that the chemical imbalance in my brain is not real. 

I think back to conversations that I have had with people, hoping that I hadn't crossed that line into toxic positivity. When people seek advice or support from me, especially if that person is in early recovery, I might suggest a gratitude list. List 5 things you are grateful for today. The goal is to simply remind myself that despite having strong negative feelings, there are good things in my life that I need to remain connected to so that the negativity doesn't completely overwhelm me. I really hope that this suggestion was not taken as "ignore all your feelings. Be grateful for something because you have a lot more than other people." It's not about comparing, it's about connection.

One the skills in DBT is "comparing" which I was told right out of the gate that this might not be the right skill for me. The great thing about DBT for me is that 20+ skills were laid out in front of me. I learned about them, tried them, and like any good AA meeting, I took what I needed and left the rest. The comparing skill is not about comparing my situation to another person. That can be very dangerous. Self-pity can sneak in and ruin any attempts to shift my mood in a different direction. As an example, I could ask myself why I am sad when there are children dying of starvation across the world? Wow, that is a hell of a comparison. By that standard, I am not allowed to feel bad about anything, ever, because I am not a starving child. That does not mean that I don't care about starving children. I do. And I am allowed to have some challenging feelings as I am finding recovery and working through an episode of depression. A healthier comparison would be "while I am struggling today, my overall situation has improved a lot from 10 years ago when I felt this way and didn't know how to cope with it." I know how to use that skill now, but it took years to figure out a way to not negate my experience and make sure the comparison is relevant.

After watching all these videos about toxic positivity, it became very clear to me how easy it is to slip into the oversimplification of complex emotions. A year or two ago I wrote about all the "motivational" memes that were flying through my feed at the time. I don't hate little one line reminders to be grateful or spend time looking at the stars. What I do despise are these overly aggressive suggestions that if I am not in a state of complete happiness I am failing, that I am "choosing" whatever life experience is difficult for me right now, and that basically I am whining. For YEARS, society told people to pick yourself up by your bootstraps. We were finally getting some where with recognition that we are complex beings, with complex emotions, and maybe weren't given the tools to deal with the complexity. We started to recognize that depression isn't "just being sad" and anxiety wasn't "someone over reacting". We started to see that our brains are complex and most everyone could benefit from support now and again to figure out how to navigate rough waters. Now, it feels like we are reverting back to depression being a weakness of character. Anxiety is not real. Mental illness and addiction are 100% a choice. 

Social media is a double edged sword for me. I feel I have a pretty good grasp on the fact that what most people post on social media is not anywhere near an accurate reflection of what life is day to day. I can tell you that I do choose all pictures of myself wisely. I can tell you that I post funny memes even when I don't feel like laughing. I like to share aspects of my life I am proud of and refrain from using social media as a place to process more complex issues in my daily life. I suppose I do in a way by posting my blog there. That is purposeful on my part as this blog/writing are part of a therapeutic process for myself. I am never obsessed with the number of readers I get. Some times, I get surprised when someone mentions it. Like, "Oh you read it! Thank you!" 

On the other side, I like social media as a way to connect with people. I work nights, I am too busy. Social media, despite all the ads and algorithms, I like to see what people are up to. I like seeing and sharing in their successes. It gives me a sense of connectedness when my life and schedule keep me from being able to do much of that in person. 

Anyway, just some thoughts I have had rolling around in my head. I am almost done with school so that I can go back to writing about this that are FAR more interesting to me that nursing curriculum evaluations. :)

Love to you all,
Julie