Why

Image by Pete Linforth from Pixabay

I am a big "why" person. I would equate my brain to a three-year old toddler running around and asking "why" every 30 seconds in an attempt to understand the world around me. I don't consider this a negative thing in my life. It can be a bit exhausting at times. And at times it can lead me down a rabbit hole I should have avoided. Since I left the field of counseling, I have been asking a lot of "why" questions in various aspects of my life. Some of these questions don't have clear cut answers. At times, it is fun just to ponder, other times, I wish I had the answer so I could feel better about why certain things happen.

My last entry talked about avoidance that has really taken over major aspects of my life. When I start debating in my mind what is going on, I want to know why this started and why I am doing this. On an intellectual level, I say, it really doesn't matter. The fact of the matter is avoidance is present and I have to figure out what works to combat that annoyance in my life. On an emotional level, I want to know why partially so I can avoid (no pun intended) having this happen again. More so, I want to know what happened to me. I used to have this drive and desire. Now, I am happy just hanging in bed all day, sleeping on and off. It is not exhaustion that is driving the sleeping. It is truly wanting to not be awake thinking about all the things I need to do. 

"Why" can be a dangerous question. During the years of use, I used to ask the universe, "why me?". Instead of looking at getting out of that pit of despair, I was stuck asking why this thing was in my life and ruining my life. Asking "why", however, was not moving me any where. I needed to shift that questions to "what needs to be done?" I had convinced myself that if I could identify why I did what I did, somehow that would change the current situation I was in. Suddenly, I would be relieved of the obsession and I could drink normally again. For the record, I NEVER drank normally. I don't even know what that means. The draw and addiction is very strong with me. 

Treatment did offer me some "whys" that were helpful. My sick thinking and obsession were not unique to me. It's part of my brain and how I process things. I am genetically predisposed to alcoholism. My brain gets highjacked in the presences of drugs and alcohol. I needed these answers to get out of the shame spiral of thinking that I was weak and a moral failure. I knew that alcoholism was considered a disease, I just didn't know why. Getting these answers was helpful to me and when I provide education to people about mental health issues, I offer this information. Knowing that I don't function entirely normally with regards to alcohol is helpful. I have to design my recovery around that knowledge.

Where things are today, I often travel down paths that really don't offer much value. The first DBT skills I was introduced to was acceptance. Acceptance is part of 12 step recovery. I preach acceptance to others because it really is the only way to be truly free. Basically, I can ask "why" all day long. The fact of the matter is whatever it is exists here and now. It's part of the game now. Acceptance doesn't mean we like it, it means it is the reality of the situation. Denying reality only creates internal conflict. Accepting reality means I can start looking at the solutions available to me. I can't change that I drinking alcohol will kill me. I need to accept, though, that the outcome will be death if I pick up again. Now, what do I need to keep me here. If I were to ask "why" alcohol will kill me, I am more fixated on finding ways to use without the consequences. Why do I use like this? Well, honestly, no answer is going to help other than this is part of how addiction presents. Am I asking "why" so that I can fix whatever makes me do this so I can have it back? It feels like that at times.

Recovery is an ongoing journey for me because life changes. For 15+ years I had one answer. An ineffective answer, but an answer none the less - alcohol. As I wander though life now, that is the only answer I can't use if I want to live a full life. So what's the next answer? My concrete, black and white mind wants a simple, no-frills answer so I can just do something about it already. In a way, I have an answer to why certain things are the way they are right now. Avoidance. There it is. It's a habit/coping mechanism that worked for a little while and now it isn't any more. Do I spend my time trying to figure out why or should I accept that this is where I am at right now? Logically? Easy answer. Emotionally? Also an easy answer with a "but". What is going to take to change this. Can I? Will I? 

So, the journey moves forward. I hope to continue to post as I can feel it helping already! :) 

Lots of peace to everyone!
​J