Since I signed up for Netflix, my poor Nook reader has been all but abandoned. It's important for me to go on vacation every once and awhile so I can grab my Nook again and remember how much fun it is to read. It had been quite some time since I looked at the books I purchased, probably several years ago now. For fun, I was reading "Bossy Pants" by Tina Fey. It's like sitting next to her and having her tell story after story in a way that only Tina Fey really can. 

I paged through the other books in my queue. Apparently, when I was in a purchasing mode, I was quite interested in the "next phase" of recovery. While it sounds cliche, recovery is something a person needs to stay on top of at all times. With any long-term, non-curable disease, making lifestyle changes are for life, not just a little while. It's easy to slip back, stop thinking about, stop working a program. Ever been on a diet? Ever gain any of that weight back? Slipping  back into addiction means losing the peace I fought for and letting anger rule my life. If I ever do get back into physically using again, it will be disaster. I was warned by others who have relapsed after extended sobriety. Things pick up right where you left off back in the day. Addiction behavior progresses much faster and much more dramatically. People also fight with the shame of getting back into recovery. I once saw a speaker that said something to the effect of: Those of you with less than a year of recovery are way more likely to get back into these rooms if you relapse. The longer period of time in recovery with a relapse, the less likely a person is to return to recovery. This is my first time in long term recovery so I can't speak to getting back into the game. When I relapsed in my first year of recovery, my relapses were pretty short and I got back into the game within a week.

Anyway, I started reading one of the books that I purchased a while ago. "Full Recovery: Creating a Personal Action for Life Beyond Sobriety" by Brian McAlister. The author asks the reader to reflect on the lesson of the chapters. I thought it might be sort of fun to so some of the exercises in my blog.  So, welcome to the process of creating a long term action plan for sustained recovery! In general, what I think we miss sometimes in AA/NA is the benefits of recovery. In the meetings I attend, I hear a lot of focus on past behaviors and what the past looked like. There is an insinuation that life now is much better and we are all tremendously grateful for not living like that anymore. We share our war stories. We talk about how low life got. Somehow, we just don't seem to talk a ton about the present. What is our life like now. "It's great!" I don't imagine that answer does much for a newcomer. The 12 steps do talk about a life in recovery for sure. Clean house of our past, help others and be offered the serenity of life without a drink. I learned that more from my readings in early recovery and not so much from meetings. I was grateful for my meetings though, because I got that opportunity to express my grief, frustration, embarrassment and shame of the past. Others would offer me some advice for moving past that - namely - do a Step 4 and 5 which I did. 

In the spirit of AA/NA, following the 12 steps on a daily basis will keep a person sober and naturally offer a person what life is meant to be. I use these principles in my life everyday for sure. The most important piece being step 3. Let Go and Trust my Higher Power. So the 12 steps keeping me moving from day to day. I do, however, like to do some longer range planning. So far, in this book, it looks like I will have the opportunity to look at a little of this. There is a delicate balance between taking action and allowing life to happen. I am interested to see what this author's thoughts are about that.  So, let's get started!!!

CHAPTER 1: Adversity is often an opportunity

1. Discuss how I was able to overcome adversity (doesn't have to be addiction, it can anything): I was actually thinking this morning about my long term struggles with depression. I was out in New York this weekend, feeling so tremendously grateful for not feeling depressed. I was looking at the pictures from the trip. I can tell when I look at pictures how my mood was during that point. I tried on two separate occasions to get off of the medications that I take for depression. Both times, it was clear to me that my mood tanked and I found it hard to get out of bed. I found my thoughts to constantly be in a negative place. I had no tolerance for making mistakes or doing something incorrectly. I can't take criticism. I have officially come to the full and complete understanding that I will need medications to manage my symptoms. Between my DBT skills and my medications, I can overcome a lot of the issues that depression has presented to me. Just like my recovery, I throw everything I can at depression to make sure that I don't succumb to a life overshadowed by a poor mood.

2. One challenge I am currently facing and finding opportunity: I have to admit that I find my career choice to be a challenge. When I first entered treatment, I remember others talking about wanting to become a substance abuse counselor down the road. I remember tilting my head in an extremely judgemental way thinking "Seriously? Hell no. Not for me." A couple of years into recovery, my thoughts on that did change and here I am today. I find my career to be very challenging. Interesting, I got my first annual review at work and it was quite positive about my abilities. It was nice to hear because I have pretty much felt like I am floating on a boat in the middle of the ocean since I started interning. I know what I personally know about recovery, but there is so much more about working with others with their recovery. Not every counselor is in recovery and a person in the field doesn't need to me. That is because we are clinicians. I struggle with not injecting my personal recovery into everything I do. It's separate. So, how is this an opportunity? In a bizarre way, it has directed me back into my own recovery. Getting into recovery as a profession is making me want to understand my own recovery that much more. It also makes me want to research all the recovery possibilities out there. What I do know about addiction is that addiction sucks. The lifestyle sucks, the decision making sucks, the terror it causes sucks, etc. etc. I am learning that it is OK for me to do whatever I need to do with my own recovery. If I go in a totally different direction alongside someone else, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I don't need to question my own recovery for it. It's like looking at the freeway system. If we all need to get to downtown, there are at least 20 different ways to get there. Some ways get you there faster. Some roads have construction. I take the road I take because I know it. You take the road you take because you need to get there from the other side of town. Why drive to my side of town to take my road, only to loop back to the original destination?

3. Undisciplined behaviors I would like to change: I have to be really honest on this one: eating. Aging probably doesn't help the metabolism much anyway; however, in my recovery, I think all the sugar and carb cravings have gotten the better of me. I have been pretty unhappy about my weight for some time now. I look in the mirror and ask myself "if you don't like, do something about it." There is always an excuse. "Too tired", "have to work", "maybe I will be fine living this way." Sadly, I have been on enough diets to know exactly how it works: Calories in need to be less than calories going out. If it is so easy, why is it so hard!!??? I will be honest in say that I have thought about going back to drinking to lose weight. The reason I lost so much weight while I was drinking was because I didn't eat for days at a time and I was a floor nurse, walking about 6 miles a day. Now I am a desk jockey and I have more than 3 meals a day. I need to get this figured out. It's a goal of mine. I will be turning 40 next year and I want to be like so many of my friends who welcomed 40 with great health. 

4. Write down at least one thing you experienced today for which you are grateful: Ahhh...the bedrock of my sobriety - the gratitude list. One thing I experienced today, just a few hours ago actually, was a phone call I have been waiting for since last week. I was awaiting a decision about my participation in a court proceeding. I don't have to participate. For that, I am truly grateful. Additional gratitude is related to an amazing trip out east. I have a dear, dear friend NH in New York. It was a weekend full of laughs and sights and culture. We had good food, good company and yes, a crap ton of snow. In this book it states" Gratitude helps you to understand what you want, what you enjoy, and what brings you true contentment. I clearly understand how important my friends are to me and how much laughter and joy lights up my world.

So that completes exercise one. If you are in recovery or not, I always recommend a gratitude list. Many times when I am having trouble falling asleep, I recite 10 things I am grateful for. By the time I reach 7-8 I am really getting tired and often times don't remember getting to 10. It clears my mind and also relaxes my body and mind. A quick reminder to myself that all my stressors will still be there tomorrow. For now, it's just a few minutes to remind myself how really great life is anyway. Here you go if you need inspiration:

1. Always so grateful to my amazing family
​2. Always grateful for my amazing friends
3. Grateful for my niece and nephew who are always a wealth of laughter and joy
4. I am grateful for the educational opportunities I have had
5. I am grateful for these smelly, crazy, fur-shedding beasts (cats) who cuddle with me at night
6. I am grateful for all the opportunities for work even if they didn't work out in the long run
7. I am grateful for my continued sobriety
8. I am grateful for reliable transportation
9. I am grateful for the seasons of the year
10. I am grateful for my Pinterest (sounds lame, but I love crafts and I have found at least 200 things I am capable of doing!!!)

Lots of love peeps,
​J

I went to church tonight; the first time in several months. I have to admit, I didn't really care for the topic this evening. The series for the next few weeks are about dealing with family and "the elephant in the room" that we all experience with our families. For some reason, tonight's sermon just reminded me that I am single, in no substantial relationship and have no kids. I do remember that this church has a lot of families so the pastor making some more directed statements at them and not me would be reasonable. I just found it kind of depressing as my birthday is coming up. I go through the ups and downs of my life and I am very happy where I am today. I don't think a "traditional" family is in my future. For some reason, I felt rejected by the church for choosing the path I have. Anyway, end of rant. 

What I did appreciate about the message this evening was about change. Change is hard. It doesn't matter who you are or what you have experienced in your life, change is hard. A quote was in our bulletin this week: "Most people prefer the certainty of misery to the misery of uncertainty" (Virginia Satir). When I saw this quote in the bulletin before the sermon even started, my head started spinning with ideas about a blog entry. So, here I am. :)

If you ever chat with someone in recovery, you will often hear how miserable their lives were prior to getting better. I was in misery trying to hold on to a major secret. I was in misery for making bad decisions. I was in misery because I was lonely and scared. I had hit the point of "sick and tired of being sick and tired" long before I actually stopped. I was in really deep denial for a long time. I think I had alway known that I was an alcoholic. I just didn't know that there was a way out. So, I just kept telling myself that I could probably quit. I just didn't want to at that time. One night, I woke up to go to work (I worked nights at the time). I had a headache, the world was still spinning and I was quite nauseous. I was in the shower telling myself that I was not drinking when I got home in the morning. I felt awful. On my way out the door, I looked at the nearly empty bottle and told myself, "that won't last me for a day...." and off to the liquor store before work. I remember thinking, this is nuts! I told myself 20 minutes ago that I can't do this anymore, yet here I am. 

Family and friends of people trying to get into recovery are often confused by the misery this person experiences and continues to go back every time regardless of the consequences. I found it REALLY confusing too. I felt worse when I drank. My health was failing. I was miserable. Instead of taking a deep look at the one thing that was causing all the misery, I desperately wanted to blame it on something else. Maybe I was extremely mentally ill. Maybe it was my stress related to my finances at the time. Maybe it was because of my divorce. Maybe it was because of my job. Even as things started to become more positive in my life, I still didn't want to blame alcohol as the one thing that was keeping me back. I could hardly understand why I was defending this stuff anymore. 

There were two things that scared me more than anything about getting sober. 1. My family would know about my problem. 2. Was there even remotely a possibility of having any kind of life after I stopped? With regards to my family, I knew once the cat was out of the bag, I had to get sober. My family cares deeply about me and if alcohol was doing all of this, they would want it out of my life. My mom was tremendous in getting the education about how to help me with my sobriety. The other piece with my family was the idea that I had failed them somehow. I was warned as a teenager about the rampant alcoholism in the family. I didn't understand how most of my family can handle alcohol and I can't. I guess I still had a stereotypical notion in my own head of "what an alcoholic is". I didn't think I fit that definition because I was still working, had a place to live, etc. etc. I had never been in any trouble with the law.  I assumed everyone around me would think less of me. I lost control and that was very sad.

As far as the life after drinking was concerned, I literally could not imagine how I could possibly have a life. My life up to that point was spent at bars. Many of my closest friend were people who drank excessively. It's just easier to hang out with people who drink too much. They didn't judge me when I blacked out. Heck, they were blacked out right next to me. I hadn't done much socially if it didn't include drinking so I was lacking any idea of what I would do without alcohol. I couldn't even imagine what it would be like to come home and not start drinking right away. I was in a hole and it was deep. I was miserable but the mere thought of living without was too overwhelming. The drinking continued for another year and half after I started thinking that it might be time to get sober. The certainty of what I was doing was more comfortable than the idea of trying to stop.

I think that my time in inpatient treatment was pretty eye opening. Physically, I felt a ton better. I hadn't been sober for more than 5 days at age 33 since I was about 23. The most I pulled together in the previous 10 years of my drinking was 72 hours.  Then, I started learning all this stuff that I was going to have to do once I got to stay sober. Yikes, that was a lot of stuff. I was recommended to go to sober living, stop working nights, consider another job other than nursing and do aftercare programming. I rejected everything but aftercare which I attended 4 times and then quit. 

I got my bill from treatment for $7,000. I knew this was coming. I signed a waiver when I went into treatment knowing this was coming. This is how badly I wanted inpatient treatment. I walked out, disappointed that they didn't fix me. I walked into my condo after being gone for 30 days. My first thought, "this sucks. I have all the same problems and I don't get to drink alcohol anymore." About 3 weeks later, I stopped going to meetings and never called my sponsor. "Well, if I am going to feel this crappy, I will drink again, at least I know what's going to happen." That is exactly what I did a week later. Again, the misery of certainty was better than sticking through the misery of making major changes. Then I just held on to the resentment that I had to pay this bill and I was back drinking. I wanted to use it as an excuse to never go back to treatment again.

The last time I went into detox, something happened that had never happened before. I had pulled together I think about 90 days of sobriety. I decided to go back. I felt this tremendous guilt and shame about what I was doing. I reached out to a surgeon that I work with which was entirely unprofessional and I was very intoxicated talking with her about needing help. She was so tremendously cool about me paging her and dealing with that crap. Then my friend KG who saved my life that day got a call from me. I was hearing voices. Being drunk felt different this time around. I was panicked and paranoid. I was off the charts manic doing crazy stuff. When I got into detox this time, I had the same doctor. He sat next to me while I laid there with alarms reminding me to stay in bed. I wasn't steady on my feet and almost fell once. He waited until most of the alcohol had cleared so I was at least sober. He reminded me that this was probably the first time I had actually taken my anti-depressants consistently and alcohol was a big no-no for the one I was taking. Because I was hearing voices, psychiatry got involved which lead to the famous quote that got the ball rolling for recovery. "Julie, there are two ways out of detox this time. One, I will report you to Board of Nursing and recommend that your license be suspended indefinitely OR you can enroll in this monitoring program for nurses, complete it and move on with your life." Finally, the fear of being sober was less scary that losing one of the few things I still had in my life which was my career as a nurse. My whole identity was wrapped up in being a nurse. If I lost that, what the hell was I going to do? For a minute, my brain did try to think of what else I could do for a job.....addiction is a sneaky beast.

I don't always agree that someone has to hit a bottom in order to start getting better. Most people in recovery will talk about a "moment of clarity". I had that. I had consumed somewhere around a liter of hard liquor and for about 1 minute, my head wasn't spinning. I actually remember talking on the phone to a friend at 2:37 am on 02/08/2010 completely intoxicated. Then I blurted out to her, I think I need to go to treatment and that I was totally drunk at that moment. At 7:00am that morning I called my mom who got me to detox for the first time. Although I didn't stay sober, my desire to change was slowing building to overcome the fear of the unknown. As far as a "bottom", mine was pretty soft. 

What I try to convince people of now, is that unknown that seems so scary is not so bad after all. All the fears that I had about my family were totally wrong. Everyone was so relieved to know what was going on and that I was getting the help I desperately needed. They have been nothing but 100% supportive of my recovery efforts. The life I was sure could not exist without alcohol has been around for 5+ years now. It may not be as exciting as my life at the bar, but I have real friends and I can finally appreciate the quiet. I am able to take care of my obligations in my life. I don't have to go to work sick everyday. I have the opportunity to share my experience both personally and professionally. I got to do a TEDx talk because of my recovery. I got to learn my own value as a person. I am doing things that I love to do. I can afford to live in a place that I really like. I am relieved of my financial stressors. I have what I still consider to be my dream job. What is the benefit of recovery? Everything. Literally. 

So the challenge with making any type of change in your life is getting over the fear of that change. If there is something that is making you miserable, there is only one person that can change that. Yep, it's you. I am a bit of an optimist these days when it comes to change. I believe that everyone can change. I am realistic that not everyone will, but people can if they make the choice to. 

Happy New Year everyone!
Julie

Wow. Another year in the books. I cannot believe how fast this year has flown by. I ended last year with an exciting new job starting in 2015. I also had some goals that I wanted to work toward. Little did I know that my job would be pretty consuming (in a good way), so many of my goals went to the wayside. The goals are, however, not forgotten, just on hold.

The year did start off on the rough side. I almost lost my current job because of a license technicality. My employer and I had all assumed that my transfer from Minnesota to Wisconsin would have been seamless. I hold the highest degree available in the field and had passed the national exam back in March 2014. We had both called and received the same answer that I would be just fine. Well, long story short - it wasn't and my future was seriously in question. Those few months were quite the test on my sobriety. I did make it through. I could tell, though, that it had some effect on my attitude about being in the field for several months after that. I really started to question if I had done the right thing by going into the field. I was shaken and feeling weak. I wondered if one situation could shake my confidence in my ability to stay sober, then should I really be teaching others about how to get onto the road of recovery? It took awhile, but I got back into the game. 

In April, I took on a new job role as a substance abuse counselor in the local county jail. I was terrified. I was concerned about how to be firm yet empathetic. I wasn't sure if I had a clue how to counsel folks that were incarcerated. It took about 30 days. I fell in love with that part of my job. The women that I counsel in that setting are in a very unique point in their lives. Many have had treatment in the past and several have been in and out of jail for years. There is such an honesty and rawness about this environment. Most everything they are feeling come out in our sessions. There is so much honesty in what I hear. It is an amazing opportunity to dig deep and look at addiction. When I thought about going into this field, the experience I had in the jail is what I had been hoping to find. You can often find me telling people how much I "love going to jail". I was moved into this role because of my licensing issues and it was absolutely the best thing that happened for me.

As the year rolled on, I was invited to come back to the University of Minnesota as part of the on-call organ donation team. It is part of the job that I used to do when I worked full time. The last time I had been on call was 2012. It was one of my favorite parts of my job. I get to call people and tell them that an organ is available. I get all the adrenaline rush of coordinating things. I was a bit apprehensive to start because it had been awhile and the call shifts are 24 hours for 2-3 days. Initially, I had agreed to do one weekend over the 4th of July. I felt like I was back in my element. I was back doing something I felt really confident at. It was a bit of a change from working full time in substance abuse counseling where I feel like, most days, I have no clue what I am doing. One weekend turned into several months of call. I picked up way more than I should have. Part of it was money, the other part was feeling very confident in what I was doing.

I let myself get out of balance. For a few months, I was working two high burn out positions and it was starting to take its toll. I was tired and getting sort of crabby. I had people from just about every facet of my life telling me to take it easy and quit working so much. I finally listened. I am down to 1 weekend per month, with nothing scheduled in January and 1 weekend in February. I am still grateful to have the opportunity to work in that area. I love transplant. A LOT. I know that I could not do that work full time anymore. I think just being able to dip my toes in every so often will keep me happy.

I also got the opportunity this year to do several different trainings. I got a week's training in substance abuse prevention which was so fascinating. I have a lot of learn in the area of prevention and home that things will settle down a little bit in my job to spend some more quality time in that area. Also, I was asked to join the drug court team which has been amazingly interesting. I believe very much in drug courts. By being a part of this team, I was offered the opportunity to get another week of training in MRT (Moral Reconation Therapy) which deals with criminal thinking. While there are several parallels between addictive thinking and criminal thinking, there are some pretty interesting differences which when brought together can yield some pretty dramatic outcomes, unfortunately mostly negative. With that training, it has enhanced my experience in the jail. 

As the year ends, overall, I am pretty satisfied with how the year went. There were definitely some ups and downs. I struggled some with depressive symptoms. I managed to get on top of that pretty quickly so the issues were short lived. The holidays have become my favorite time of year. This year was certainly not a disappointment! I enjoy the time with my family and have this opportunity each year to be reminded of how grateful and lucky I am.

At the time when my teenage angst was heightening, Stone Temple Pilots were topping the charts. You bet that I had the CD and it travelled with me to college and happens to remain in the small collection of CDs I still have today. Then Velvet Revolver, etc.  I followed Scott Weiland's  career. He died in my  state of Minnesota not long ago. A death that really came as no big surprise to me. Sadly, it was no surprise.

I read the letter from his ex-wife and it really struck home to me the amount that family members suffer at the cost of our disease. I agreed with all that she had to say. So, this blog is not to glorify his death or his behavior. Rather, it is an opportunity to talk about yet another high profile death and the struggles of recovery. Maybe this is a time to talk about the "rule of thirds" I learned while in graduate school. 1/3 of people with substance abuse issues will just stop and walk away, 1/3 of people will require some type of intervention to quit and will go back and forth between active addiction and recovery and 1/3 of people will never stop.  4 years ago, I could have told you that Mr. Weiland was going to fall into the category of the folks who will never stop. 

I have to tell you that I can't totally imagine the ravages that addiction causes to family members. Addicts and alcoholics have to be the most frustrating individuals in the world. We were "normal" once, with dreams, personality, a future. Then we present one day, wrecked, doing the opposite of all our dreams, making horrible decisions, protecting our drug over everything. We land in jail, rehab, in the hospital and on the streets. Addiction plays out in such a behavioral type of way with sick thinking that promotes denial, lying and stealing all in the name of the high. 

So, why do we do this? I do believe that addiction is a disease. Those of us that suffer from addiction have a bit of a different brain. When drugs enter our system, our reward center of our brain becomes corrupted. The part of the brain that is concerned with our survival starts to give our mixed signals telling us that the drug come before everything - EVERYTHING - eating, sleeping, etc. When I am sober, my logical part of my brain sees the consequences of my actions. My reward center always is thinking of pleasurable things to do. If that part of my brain was in charge all day long, I would be doing all sorts of irrational things for a quick 15 seconds of joy. My logical part of the brain overrides and sets up some reasonable patterns in my life (aka, I won't jump into traffic to get a piece of candy that looks good). In active addiction, the communication from the logical part of the brain is diminished. The reward center is overriding the logical part of the brain - requesting that big #1 drug/alcohol is the priority. Do anything to get it. That is the disease part of addiction. We now understand the communication pattern and how the brain is reacting to drugs.

Here is the hard thing about addiction. In my first stint in rehab, I learned about the disease process and what was going on. It was REALLY nice to know that all these horrible decisions that I was making was part of a process in the brain that is well understood. For the last 5 years of my addiction, I just thought I was bat-shit crazy. I had hoped that I would be diagnosed with something that would explain how messed up I felt beyond intoxication. Well, I was diagnosed with it - alcoholism. I sure as hell didn't like that but going through the diagnostic criteria, I certainly fit every single one. 

So, Mr. Weiland and I were both offered opportunities for rehab. I went 1 time in 2007 and twice in 2010. Mr. Weiland went quite a few more times than I did. I got into recovery. He didn't make it there. Why? We know what is going on the brain. I begged and pleaded to get into treatment and relapsed within a few months? We understand addiction more now than ever yet people are dying at a higher rate. By 2020, addiction is going to be the biggest public health crisis in America. What is going on? If I wanted to get better so badly, why didn't I?

In my opinion, it comes down to each individual to make a decision about recovery. Even though I participated in a program to monitor my recovery, I always had the option to use. I still have the option to use. I finally got to a place where my fear of a life without using was less scary than the life I was living. It took some time to make the effort to commit to change everything about my life in order to get into recovery. It's not easy. It took awhile to learn all the things I needed to watch out for. No one can get me sober except for me. No one can keep sober except for me. 

In the past 5 years of recovery, I have seen several people that fall into each of the 1/3rds. I have seen people just up and walk away from drugs and alcohol. Part of me gets jealous from time to time when I see that. I had to fight like hell for my recovery. I am grateful, though, that not everyone needs to fight so hard to obtain a new lifestyle. I am happy they made a decision to live a better and happier life without drugs and alcohol. 

I see many people who need help. I see people who keep trying, again and again, pulling time together and relapsing again. I admire, always, that they continue to return to meetings, continue to reach out and continue to return to treatment. In the deepest part of their souls, they are fighting for their lives. They are working to try to find the path that works. I was on the lower end of average for treatment. I had 3 rounds, on average it takes 5-6 times of treatment. Each time I learned something more, got a new perspective and got new skills. I can't say I will be recovery forever, because I just don't know that. But, I will do my best ev

The final third, however, are the most heartbreaking. I see people like Scott Weiland walk through my door at work. I have seen people bring someone like Scott Weiland into a meeting. I see people that are literally dying of addiction right before my eyes. In transplant, I saw more than my fair share of people die from liver failure. I hear through my clients of friends of theirs who died of an overdose. I read in the paper on a near weekly basis of people dying from drunk driving. As a treatment provider and a person in the recovery community, I don't believe in giving up. However, the advice that I often give family members now is to love from a distance. Professionally, I have to do this as well. I can send a prayer and hope that maybe something changes for them. I need to be realistic too. There are plenty of people who suffer from other disease processes that choose not to get well. People with diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol that do not make any life changes to support the management of their disease process ultimately succumbing to the complications. Those suffering from the disease of addiction are not different although it can be hard to see it that way because of the behavioral way that addiction plays out. 

So, this is the third or fourth entry I have written about a famous person. A few years ago, I wondered who failed Whitney Houston. Did treatment fail her? Did her family and friends fail her because they knew she was using and didn't intervene? Did she fail herself because she was in treatment enough times to know the path she was going down? Then, Philip Seymour Hoffman. I wondered why such a talent had to die alone under terrible circumstances. Then, Robin Williams. His suicide ended up being related to a dementia process that led to impulsivity and a very ugly terminal diagnosis. Regardless, he did start a conversation about recovery and mental illness. Now, Scott Weiland. My perspective on recovery and getting well has changed quite a bit. The more I am involved with addiction on a professional level, the more I realize we have a long way to go in providing treatment for addiction. That bottom 1/3rd is not hopeless and helpless. As a field, we haven't found how to tap into the motivation of the individual to see recovery as a viable option.

To end this very long rant, I respect the decision of Scott's ex-wife to remove herself and shield her children from the chaos of addiction. She was very right - his children deserved at least some effort and he did not make the decision to commit to that. When an addict or alcoholic chooses not to change, that is their choice; however, this person should not be surprised when the family distances themselves. One of the basic rules of recovery is that we cannot control things that are out of control. The choices and thoughts of other people definitely fall into the category of things that we can't change. We especially cannot change a person that does not want to be changed. 

It dawned on me a few weeks agos that I have not written a blog post in the longest time. In July, I agreed to start taking call again for my nursing job which is 48-72 hours of straight on call. I only planned on doing one weekend. It was really fun to be back and when the opportunity came for additional hours, I took them up on it. In addition to those hours, I still have my 40 hour a week job. In January, I will be celebrating a year there. I can hardly believe it. There were times when the days moved slowly, however, now the months are flying by so quickly. 

So many of the people I know that are in this field of alcohol and drug counseling are in recovery. I was warned in graduate school that being in recovery in this field can be difficult. For one, we are held to a higher standard than most. I cannot, under any circumstance, falter in my recovery. If I choose to drink, I am done in the field, at least for some time. A part of my mandates as a LADC in Minnesota is two years free of chemical use issues. If I have been diagnosed, which I have been, I have to stay sober or risk not being in the field for a minimum of two years. It certainly answers my question in the morning, "Am I drinking today?" Nope,if I want to keep working!

Beyond that, however, being in recovery in this field has been very eye opening. I have been challenged to manage a boundary between my personal recovery and what I counsel on a professional level. I have to admit, I struggle. I struggle because I know what got me sober. I struggle because I wanted to change and I did so. I struggle because 90% of my clients don't want to change and are not interested in the route my personal recovery took. Again, I was warned about this in graduate school. I am not doing this to be a glorified sponsor to paying clients. I am a clinician that has been hired to present the opportunities recovery has to offer. I am also there to be a support to a client whatever stage of change they might be in. Even it if there is 100% denial and no desire to change, I am still there. I am tasked with finding any form of motivation to resolve what we can during our treatment time together. 

I have not done a very good job of separating my professional career with my personal recovery. I have been challenged to view recovery in so many different ways that are sometimes very non intuitive to my personal beliefs of defined recovery. As a professional, I need to allow many theories, approaches and definitions to mold my treatment of alcohol and drug dependent clients. Inherently, I don't have a problem with that and have been very open minded to thoughts and suggestions of others with experience in the field. However, when I walk through the door at night, I have found it difficult to take off that clinical hat and work my own recovery program. I am constantly thinking about my personal recovery in terms of my professional life. AA worked for me, but I don't recommend it for everyone. Does that make me a faker when it comes to attending a meeting? I believe it for me, but not for some of my clients? Does what I say in my professional life negate my personal recovery? 

I don't believe it does, however, it has made me a little more disengaged from my personal recovery process. I am still working through how these two worlds coexist. For the first several months in the field, I figured I was doing the due diligence of my personal recovery by working the field. I walk and talk recovery all day, so what's the need to go home and so anything beyond that. I think, unfortunately, my recovery definitely suffered for it. I remained abstinent all this time, but have the old "restless, irritable and discontent"-thing going on frequently. I was also warned about not engaging in my personal recovery in grad school as well. Those in recovery in the field are at a much higher risk of burnout and relapse. In my experience, thus far, it's because we are working in the recovery field all day long and one of the last things I want to do at night is to do something else recovery related. Do I ever do anything else besides my recovery? Aren't there are parts of me than just this recovery piece?

When I wanted to study nursing, I wanted to do it because of my desire to help others and to be in a service-oriented profession. I walked in and provided treatments dictated by others and added the compassion I wanted to give while doing my "work". It was a much easier balance to maintain when I was still in nursing in early recovery. I was directed to perform specific care and could put my stamp of compassion and empathy on those marching orders. Alcohol and drug counseling is a far different beast. I am the one in the driver's seat of treatment. I still have the ability to be empathetic and compassionate, however, I find the process to be wholly different. When I was tending to a person's wound, I would be worried about pain and infection. I provided a treatment that would address both. In the chemical dependency world, I am worried about people running away or injuring themselves and others. I need to sit and have an honest conversation about the potential issues I see. While I have the same flexibility to change the course of treatment in both arenas, in chem dep, it's up to me to find a different path - not just report and wait for the updated treatment plan. Additionally, in the nursing world, very few people rejected the course of treatment. It's what the doctor order after all! In the world of chemical dependency, much of what I have to say is rejected and sometimes aggressively so. I am not what the doctor orders, I am the person standing between this person getting their driver's license back.

Quite frankly, it's pretty intimidating to me to have that kind of authority in these situations. I am empathetic and compassionate because I know what it is like to be the throws of addiction. I know what it is like not to have hope. I know what's it's like to not believe that change is possible. I also know that change is possible. I know how I did it. I know what works for me. Just like the medical field, however, what worked for me, might not work for you. A blood pressure medication may work for me but have no effect on you. My chemo treatment might cure my cancer but make no difference in your case. Finding recovery is very similar. My path may not be your path. The danger in being in recovery with my experience in a professional situation is that, really, my recovery path shouldn't and doesn't matter. It's easy to become dependent on my personal experience to counsel professionally. I am not paid to tell you how I did it. I need to work with you to find your recovery path. I need to learn to accept that my definition of recovery may be very different from yours. That doesn't mean that I have to change my personal recovery because of it. 

I have had the opportunity to have several recovery interactions this weekend which is a good thing. I still believe that my Higher Power is running the show here and I was offered the opportunity to speak with both professional colleagues and personal recovery friends. We have all been struggling, is what I gathered. Many people in recovery will tell you that they were on the brink of death when they finally found recovery. Professionally, we see people on the brink of death every day and there is no desire to do anything about it. Personally, I engage with a community that wants change, made change happen and are willing to do what it takes to stay that way. Professionally, I see people who are not ready yet and I need to learn to be okay with that. If I went into addictions counseling thinking that I was going to help everyone, I was wrong. I had a little bit of that hope. What I fail to remember from time to time, is that even if people didn't find recovery while working with me, I have planted seeds. My door is always open. Ready or not, I made an impact in their lives. That has to be enough. I am slowly working on getting there. I cannot take credit for anyone's success because I will need to take the fall for people's non-successes. No one can bear that burden. It's just not realistic in this field to really have that level of affect on the lives of others. I am a guide. No more, no less. Maybe a little piece of me thought I would be more than a guide. However, I need to remember that being a guide is more powerful than it sounds. 

So, personally, my recovery life has a been a little on "hold". I can feel it. I know it. I have made efforts, again, to get back on the right path. I am shaking off the desire to question my personal recovery based on my professional experience. I truly don't care if others find recovery in a different way. In fact, I advocate for people to find a path that is meaningful and gets them to where they want to be. I know what makes my life meaningful and worthwhile. No reason why I can't do what I need to do to meet my recovery goals. 

So, the last statement I will make about this topic - 12th step work (carrying the message to the still suffering alcoholic) is not my professional life. It can't be. I have opted for a career of service to a certain population, providing clinical knowledge (not my personal knowledge). That does not necessarily equate to be doing 12th step work on a daily basis. My 12th step work needs to be something else. That is the way that I will be able to experience the value of that step and not intermingle the work with my professional life. It's time to draw a line in the sand. Work the steps/my recovery outside of the hours of 8-5pm. 

Peace out,
J

Part of my requirements for my job is to be observed facilitating a group from time to time. I was so nervous when I had arranged a date to be watched this last week. I feel like I am pretty good at group facilitation but, of course, when any one is watching, it feels weird. And a lot of it goes back to being so new in the field that I just don't have my confidence yet. All in all, I got a really good response from my supervisor. I was given a few little things to think about more than things that really needed to change. I was very energized by that and am I relieved it is all over now. 

As I was being observed, I became pretty hyper aware of the words I was using, the way I responded to things and how I ran the group. From the first group that I ran, I have always talk with "we". "When 'we' are working to make change....." "When 'we' start looking into 'our' past....." Inherently, there is nothing wrong with this approach. It pretty much rats out my recovery status to my clients which is something that I never hide anyway. However, I want to be careful to not solely rely on my recovery status as a way to gain credibility with my clients. I need them to respect my clinical ability, not my personal ability to stay sober. I don't expect my mental health therapist to be depressed and anxious in order to treat me. I expect her to have stuff for me to learn. So, as addictions counseling is part of behavioral health, I don't want my recovery status to be all that I have to offer to clients. That being said, I like using "we" in my approach and I will attempt to explain why.

When I was at church last night, I was listening to the pastor and he also talked in the "we". It started getting me thinking about the power of "we". Back in college, a friend of mine wrote something that was helping us, her friends, understand her eating disorder. I read it and I just remember "You feel like.... then you want to...." My roommate at the time was kind of annoyed by the use of "you". From that day on, I was much more deliberate about making sure that when I was talking about my feelings, I was using "I" statements. She was right. "I" feel this way. Using "you" to explain my actions is really just an attempt to deflect responsibility and an attempt to convince someone else of their reactions to a situation. When I am trying to explain addiction to people, I will slip into the "you" explaination. I try to remember to talk my experience in the "I'.

In the last couple of years, I find myself talking in the "we". Throughout various times of my life, I have had the epiphany of "I am not alone". Those are powerful moments. In 7th grade, I found out another classmate's mom was dying of cancer at the same time my family found out that my father was quite ill and likely not to recover from cancer. When I got back from studying abroad for a year in Austria at 17, another person reached out to me that had come back a few years before. We talked about how hard it was transition back to life in high school after that experience. In 2007, I had to go to an AA meeting as an assignment for nursing school. I listened to a story of a woman that could have been my own. Then, the first 10 minutes after getting into treatment, I realized that I was finally understood. These are all powerful moments when I realized when I am not alone. In almost all of the above situations, I was very lonely and confused. The world seems like a heavy place but suddenly seems a little more manageable when one realizes they are not alone.

Part of recovery for me is to be reliant on the "we" of recovery. This is very much an AA concept. The 12 steps are written in the "we". "We came to believe that...." "We are powerless...." This disease is a powerful disease. If we join together, we are more powerful. Also, we identify with each other and create a fellowship. "We" keep each other sober. "We" offer each other the support to continue to be successful. I tried for years and year to control things on my own. It wasn't until I was willing to surrender that control that I was finally able to set free from the need to drink. When I attend AA meetings, I feel the power of "we". Everyone in that rooms knows me on a level that would take me years to explain to others. I will always take something from someone else a meeting that supports my recovery. My Higher Power is the other part of my recovery "we". I asked and lean on my Higher Power and in return I am restored to some level of sanity. I have a lots of "we" in my recovery.

I was teaching in group about some of the things that I hear when people are back in treatment after some time of sobriety. I hear: stopped going to meetings, stopped talking to people in recovery, didn't reach out for help when things didn't go well, got complacent. The one thing all of these reasons have in common, we (because this includes me for sure) stopped relying on the "we" of recovery. I had several relapses after my first treatment. I refused to get outside of my own head. I did not want to rely on anyone else. I wanted to be strong on my own. I didn't want to have to bother someone else. I didn't want to ask for help. Addiction is one of the most isolating, selfish and self-loathing diseases out there. What is the opposite of that? Pretty much everything I ask people to do to get into recovery. Get new friends who are supportive of your recovery, find people who are recovery and get a mentor or sponsor -- stand on the shoulders of those who came before us, talk to a therapist to learn new ways of thinking, don't isolate, find new activities, keep busy and plan a strategy to avoid relapse (which almost always includes who are going to call when things aren't going well).

The addicted brain really loves the opportunity to get us alone. Addiction is the only disease that really tries to convince us that we don't have a disease or any sort of problem. Denial is hallmark of this disease process. Addiction will pop up at really opportunistic times. If I am really stressed and haven't been able to get to a meeting or have down time.... addiction will start bring up times when life was pretty fun when it was around. If I am feeling a little depressed.... addiction will remind me how good it handled depression back in the beginning. However, when I have the "we" behind me which is friends, family, AA, and my Higher Power, addiction just doesn't have a chance.  

I watched another group do this activity. Two people stand up front. One is a person in recovery and one is the voice of addiction. The person who is addiction will make a statement like "Remember how good it was? One won't hurt....." Then the person in recovery will say something they are going to do when that thought arises. Another person will go up to the front to represent that intervention. That person stands between the addiction and person in recovery. After 4-5 intervention, addiction is way down at one end and the other person at the other end. It's a great visual of the "we" factor. The more I can put in between that voice and me, the stronger I am. I was actually thinking about doing this next week. Maybe the whole experience at church over the weekend was God's way of saying..."Hey, go for it." 


So, I like using "we" in almost any setting. I believe in the power of "we". I know that I don't do this whole recovery thing on my own. There is no way that I would ever be strong enough to do so. I need the "we" in my life to combat loneliness, manage depression, take joy in life, find new activities, enhance connections with people. I certainly have to take actions to make this happened, however, it would be really difficult to keep it all going without the support of all those around me. Also, the people around me are my motivation to continue to fight the good fight. I encourage anyone out there, not those just in recovery from addiction, but everyone to take a look around and see how the power of "we" works in your life. If we all slow down for a minute and look, we have many blessings around us. We all have the "we" in our lives. So

Although I graduated from school over a year and half ago, I am very new to the field of addiction counseling. The job I am currently in I am really considering as my "first" job in the field, mainly because I feel like I am still getting some significant mentorship in building the style of counseling I want to provide. The first position I held, I worked about 12-20 hours per week. I ran a group and saw some people individually. My time was so tight, my main focus was on getting all the documentation done since I wasn't there full-time. I think there was also a slight overconfidence of my employer that I could just be out there, 100% on my own with minimal supervision. I don't mind being independent; however, being so new in the field, I might have needed a little more of a guiding hand to develop some additional skills. 

Initially, when I started at this position, it was a little disheartening to me that my level of experience was brought up and generally not in a positive light. I felt like I was a little further along in my skill set than I might actually be. Wisconsin requires more supervision of its counselors than MN. I didn't care for that initially, but, now, I am so grateful for the extra time and mentorship. I also have the benefit of challenging me to grow beyond my own personal knowledge of addiction treatment. There is a difference between being a professional in the area of addictions counseling and my own personal recovery. It can be really easy in the beginning to rely on my own recovery journey as the blueprint for my clients. However, there are far more clinical interventions available and many more ways to define recovery than my personal definition of recovery. I required inpatient and outpatient treatment. Not everyone does. I needed a lot of outside accountability. Some people have great internal motivational means and don't need the threat of license revocation to get sober.

When I first started in graduate school, I had my own beliefs about the definition of recovery. Recovery means that a person no longer uses substances AND reconstructed a post-use life that was worthwhile for that person. That is what I did, right? I stopped drinking and then used every single last DBT skill I learned to develop, as Marsha Linehan puts it "a life worth living." Because I participate in AA, abstinence only is the understanding in AA for full recovery. The steps are designed to look at the problems, address the problems, fix the problems and then help others. Also, not a bad blueprint. Did I believe in harm reduction? Not really, it wasn't recovery. Did I believe in any other definition of recovery other than my own? I can honestly say, I didn't believe in much other than AA and total abstinence. 

As graduate school went along, I started learning more about alternative approaches to recovery. We spent much time on counseling approaches. Person-centered, Motivational Interviewing, Gestalt, Freud, Solution Focused, short-term, long-term, and on and on. I started realizing that maybe recovery was more than just one thing, just one approach. We started talking about alternative recovery programs like SMART recovery, Celebrate Recovery, Faith-based, Rational Recovery, traditional psychotherapy and a few others. It took me a while to stop seeing the information presented to me as "something that wouldn't have worked for me". Addiction is so complicated and permeates into so many areas of life, it was a little pretentious of me to take a stance of a one size fits all. Or that one way, one program, one approach is the only means to achieve a goal.  

Since I have started working in my current position, I have been really challenged in a great way to push beyond my own recovery and expand what recovery can look like for other people. Person-centered/motivational interviewing approaches ask me as the counselor to fully respect where the client is at in their journey of recovery. I am asked to put them in the driver seat and have them develop a plan they want to be invested in to achieve their goals -- not mine. When I learned about this in grad school, I was a bit hesitant at first. I kept thinking, "my brain was so sick, I needed someone to tell me what to do and how to do it. I needed someone to put together the pieces for a while because I just couldn't think straight." Again, I was attempting to reject something based on what I thought would or wouldn't work for me. And while true, I was not always thinking straight, my DBT counselor often used this motivational technique. She would ask me, what do I want? What would make my life more valuable to me? What would help me to find hope again that I could really do this? She never told me which skill I should use. She never told me that my goals were too small or too insignificant. If I found even the littlest thing that I thought was interesting or was willing to change, we worked on it together. She was my guide to helping me open my eyes to what I was changing and what I wanted to work on in the future. I just hadn't really seen it like this until just a little while ago. As the professional, she guided me with the idea of finding something that kept me focused on the present and the future. 

Defining recovery is a really challenging thing. It's not about not using. Oh boy, I tried that and my life was worse than when I was drinking all the time. Is it about being involved with support groups? Not exactly. It is something I recommend to my clients and not always AA/NA. Addiction is a lonely place and it feels like no one really understands. Finding that support is so important. Treatment was the first time I was surrounded by people who understood the insanity of my life. They understood what it was like to say I was never going to drink again and drink within 2-3 hours. They understood what it was like to hate and love alcohol at the same time. They understood that I wasn't a horrible, terrible, worthless person; I was a sick person with a complex disease that needs to be address so I can find that person of value again. People are able to find recovery support outside of AA/NA at church, in the community, through therapy, through sober activities. I mainly encourage people to find others in recovery because there are few things better than being understood by another person on a very deep level that is often hard to articulate to others who haven't suffered from addiction. It is also important to have quality people in one's life regardless of their addiction history. Some of my greatest friends are not in addiction recovery. They respect my journey and my limits. They also support other areas of my life my spiritual journey and my fun journey. They are just good friends who love me regardless of my addiction.

My personal definition of recovery is first and foremost not drinking. In my mind, I cannot do anything worthwhile if I am drinking. Recovery is also about leading a life of humility and helping others. I think I was always motivated to help other people. Even before having an addiction, I wanted to help other people. I thought about majoring in psychology in college for a short while. I had wrote my application essays for college with the intention of majoring in nursing. Both of my parents were deeply involved with giving careers and also giving back to the community. I felt a strong sense of urgency for many years to continue with that tradition. I latched on to that in early recovery because I wanted to be the person I used to be who valued giving back. It was very helpful to create purpose. As my recovery became stronger, I took that desire to help others to a higher level with sponsoring people and ultimately going into this field. 

Recovery for me is also taking care of my mental health. I definitely had issues with anxiety and depression for many years prior to my addiction taking hold. For some reason when I was growing up, I just didn't want to say anything about it. Maybe it was the "I am too cool for school" high school years that I didn't want to admit something was wrong. On some level, I thought maybe I was just this way -- this was my personality. I had a hard time admitting the difficulties that I was experiencing. When my mom would try to talk to me about it, I would run away like the roadrunner from the cartoons. Of course, when I got into addiction, my mental health spiraled out of control to all new levels. I was given meds but medications do not work if you drink with them. They are counteracting each other. I remember clearly making a decision to stop the medication because if I drank with them I got a headache. Stop taking the meds, stop the headaches. Yup, that is addiction thinking for ya! In recovery, I try to pay attention as much as I can to my current mental health status. Ups and downs are natural and it's not going to be perfect. However, despite some big challenges, I have worked with my providers to stay on top my mental health the best I can.

In early recovery, once my mental health was stabilized, I started finding some purpose in sobriety and finally surrendered to the fact that my recovery requires me not to drink, everything took a very different turn. My outlook changed. When I try to explain to people what happened when I hit my first year of recovery, I usually say "It was like I was able to take one big sigh of relief and relief actually stayed." I have to admit, I struggle to exactly explain it. There was some internal struggle that stopped. There was some inner conflict that was resolving. From a scientific side, my brain chemistry was finally starting to even out for good. My medications were probably finally working at an optimum level. On a psychological level, I was armed with more skills than I had ever had. I was content at my job for the most part. I was settled into my new routines and structure. It was like I didn't have to try so hard just to live. I had learned it was ok to be happy. 

Professionally, I am working to expand my working definition of recovery beyond my personal definition. I still carry some hard and fast ideas about drug and alcohol use once addiction sets in, but it is certainly not my place to try to jam my clients into one mold. When we look at harm reduction which on a simple level is minimizing the negative impact of use on one's life. If a person is able to decrease their use from 18 beers to 3 beers per day, by some people's standards, this is not good enough. We are aiming for abstinence. For me, 3 beers a day is impossible so why would it be possible for this person? However, there are many people who don't drink excessively once they have one, so should I be requiring everyone on the planet to not drink at all? Just as addiction is complex, so is the definition of recovery. Here is SAMSHA take which I think is a good start: http://www.samhsa.gov/recovery

I look forward to the next year at this job. Whether I want it or not, I require weekly supervision because I am "in-training" as far as WI's counseling board is concerned. One of the things I loved about my career in nursing was the constant opportunities to learn new things. I was so excited to be in transplant because there is something new everyday. Now, with my weekly supervision and also my position, I getting that opportunity to learn and really be mentored in such a supportive way. I am so energized by that. In fact, I think I need it in order to be content with my job. The last piece that is very important in my recovery is an attitude of gratitude. I absolutely need to be grateful each and every day that I don't drink. I need to be grateful for the opportunity that my life has presented me with since getting into recovery. I need to be grateful for all that have. I pray every night for the still suffering addicts and anyone who is suffering in life. As you will see in the above mentioned article about recovery, hope is the foundation of it all. I pray for those still suffering that they continue to find and have hope that there is something better. 

Peace out!
J

Wow! How can it be that I haven't posted a blog entry in over two months! Time is flying by with lots of changes to this point and a few bigger ones coming up. In the next 8 days, I will be moving to a new location. My commute is very long right now and I had to make a decision about leaving my current place, which I love. After much searching, I located an apartment that will cut my commute in half for which I am more than grateful. I started working a compressed work week so I work 2-10 hour days, 1-12 hour day and 1-8 hour day; throw on 2+ hours of commuting....it's a tiring week, every week.

Since I had the scare of losing this job back in late February, I have had a lot of changes in my job. In my opinion, all positive changes. I needed to change some of my original assignments and trade them for others. At first, I was a little concerned about the new assignments. However, after being in my permanent schedule with my assignments for several weeks now, I have been really content. I have some really exciting projects in process with my favorite part of the job -- prevention. Some days, I still feel like I barely have a clue what I am doing, but I keep moving forward. As I have mentioned before, I have a great group of coworkers that make all these transitions smooth and also let me vent my self-consciousness from time to time so I can get over myself.  :)

As I was packing today, I ran across a folder of information about the monitoring program I was on. It was the agreement I signed on August 13th, 2010. I read through my agreement and can still vividly remember the first time I got this packet and read these words. When I read what was expected of me.....a work site monitor, random UAs, treatment, counseling, psychiatry visits, a PCP, one designated pharmacy, over the counter medication restrictions, attend 2 AA meetings a week, get a sponsor and send in quarterly reports from all of the above for a term of no less than 36 months. I freaked out. I checked into detox on August 8th, 2010 and was told "there are two ways out of here, this program or we make an official complaint to the Board of Nursing that you are practicing as an impaired nurse." On August 13th, I almost considered letting this go to the Board. What the hell? Who could possibly do this?

Self-pity is the psychological state of mind of an individual in perceived adverse situations who has not accepted the situation and does not have the confidence nor competence to cope with it. It is characterized by a person's belief that he or she is the victim of unfortunate circumstances or events and is therefore deserving of condolence. Self-pity is generally regarded as a negative emotion in that it does not generally help deal with adverse situations. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-pity)

I was so full of self-pity at that time of my life. Self-pity is so strong in addiction. It's like addiction's way of throwing gasoline on a fire. While I did ask "why me?" a lot, my self pity was really wrapped up in all the ways that I failed everyone else. My focus became my perception of what a loser I was and therefore, I got to drink. I just could not cope with my life as it was, I just needed to be able to run away. I was given a couple of assignments about self pity in my first treatment. Boy, those assignments struck a nerve with me. "Who are you to judge me?" "I should feel bad about this or about that. Why can't I feel bad about that?" Looking back on that treatment experience now, it was so clear how strong that addiction voice was back then. My brain had enough self pity/gasoline in the reserves to perpetuate my addiction for several more years. 

In the above definition, what caught my eye was the "deserving of condolence". I loved that about self-pity back in the day. "Look at how horrible this all is!" When I would exaggerate or flat out lie about details of my life, I was looking to get that reaction from people. Every time I was able to get someone wrapped up in all my drama, the more justified I felt about continuing on with exactly what I was  doing. Half the time, I was like a woman possessed! The more of a reaction I would get some others, the bigger the reaction I would try to get the next time. It fed my ego and, in my sick mind, continued to justify the lifestyle I was living. 

When I was alone with nobody to talk to, I would turn that self-pity to God. If God is so good, why would God let people suffer like this? Can't He see me crying? Can't he see how depressed I am? Can't God just make it all stop? I was very resentful of any idea of a God or Higher Power. I refused AA until my first treatment because the word "God" was in one of those steps. Heck, no, I talked with Him once and it didn't go my way. 

One of my tattoos says "Only God will". That is all. Nothing more, nothing less. People ask me a lot of the time, "'Only God will' what?" My response is "how ever you want to finish it, I guess." For me, I like to leave a blank space there. Only God will keep me sober. Only God will direct my life. Only God will save me from myself. Only God will keep positivity in my life. In my world of recovery, I had to surrender to the fact that me in the driver's side on this life is not a good thing. Any time I have tried to take back control, my life went into the ditch. Once I stopped fighting all the time, I finally got some peace. My mind stopped racing all the time. I started to find purpose and became inspired to talk about my addiction. I just wish recovery for everyone suffering from addiction or whatever is hurting them. 

Self-pity is one of those things in my life that is a big warning sign for me. I talked in a past blog about the phases of relapse. The emotional relapse, the mental relapse and the physical relapse. In a quick review, the emotional relapse is the start of changing recovery based activities. Stop going to meetings, stop practicing mindfulness techniques or whatever it is that supports one's recovery. The mental relapse is the time of thinking about relapsing. Justifying use, becoming unwilling to work through what life is throwing at me. The physical relapse is the picking up of the drug again and using excessively. Self-pity falls into that emotional relapse realm for me. It leads me quicking into a mental relapse. 

When I thought I was losing my job, I wrote about how I was on the edge of a physical relapse. I really got into self-pity mode. "Why can't I have what I want? -- I really like this job, there is nothing else out there for me." Within a really short period of time, I was in the mental relapse phase for sure. I was planning, no doubt about that. Almost 5 years of recovery under my belt and I was thinking that I deserved to drink because I am mad. I get to drink because people would expect a relapse if I lost it. Fortunately, I was also starting to prepare for that. While my addicted mind was in full force, I was also contemplating what that choice would mean for me. Say bye to being an addictions counselor. Say bye to any job in this field for two years. Welcome back to HPSP monitoring if I want to go back to practice in nursing. I am fortunate enough that those consequences are far too great for me. 

I haven't been able to get to my regular church service for a little while now. A year ago my roomie from Honduras invited me to come to her church. I hadn't been very inspired by church for a long time. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go; however, this now dear friend introduced me to the next stage of my spiritual development. Something I decided to devote last year to - increasing my spiritual connection between me and my Higher Power. 

Since that time, I have come to enjoy going to church. This particular church's motto is "no perfect people allowed". Well, heck, sign me up, then. Each week, I am given much food for thought. I enjoy the spiritual and intellectual challenges of the ideas places before me. I am provided with a deeper understanding of my own interconnectedness with myself, the world around me and my sobriety. I hear a sentence here or a line there that reminds me to regain my focus. This focus encourages me to get outside of myself and be a better person; contributing to a better world. 

Right in the beginning this week, the pastor said a phrase that often comes into AA. "Fake It Until You Make It." I think the very second blog entry I wrote 2 or 3 years ago now was about this exact concept. I had an issue with it in the past, came to a place where I started to agree with it and then, tonight, I shuddered a little bit hearing it again. Initially, I didn't care for this phrase because I felt like the 18 years of my alcoholism was just me being fake all the time, covering for my vices and attempting to convince the outside world that I was doing a whole heck of a lot better than I actually was. The lying, the conning, the manipulating....why on God's green earth would I ever want to fake anything again? The relief I felt walking into that treatment center, where I could be totally honest about where I was at, was one of the most moving moments of my life. I didn't have to juggle fire anymore. I was surrendering and finally able to release some of the stress my life carried at the time. 

As I moved along in my recovery, I started liking the concept because it started to be about changing thought patterns. I had viewed my life in really negative way and that didn't exactly stop when I stopped drinking. As I started to "fake it" some, I did find that my thought processes were changing. If I smiled more, my days were more positive. When I made an effort to say a nice thing when I didn't want to, I felt better. If I told myself enough times that I was really doing better, I did start to believe it. Psychologists will tell their clients to employ this concept to help cope with depression and anxiety. Scientifically, it has been proven to change the brain chemistry - producing more happy endorphins. Eventually, you can stop "faking it" because you ARE actually happy and doing better which means you "made it". 

Now, I guess I am at a point in my recovery where I have returned to not wanting to fake much anymore. It takes too much effort and energy to be something that I am not. The term "authentic self" came up. I studied hard when this concept was brought up in DBT. Creating/finding one's authentic self is the bedrock of self-esteem and building a life worth living (very very core concepts of DBT). Who is this authentic self, anyway? The age old question - who am I? What is my purpose?

I think the pursuit of the authentic self is much like my experience with the 12 steps. There are avenues and devices to work through to explore values and dreams in one's life. Ultimately, it comes down to making some choices, at least in my experience. While I was hard pressed to find my values while in active addiction, I knew what they were. In early sobriety, I still kinda knew what they were, but I had been living against them for so long that I was convinced that I didn't have them anymore. That's the thing about addiction, though. Leading a dual life - one of the active user who will do anything to anyone to protect the use or get what is needed to continue with using. Then the other person who woke up after the active use wondering "what the hell is wrong with me?" I wouldn't make those choices if I were sober. Having used for as long as I did, I started to believe that my being was just broken. No values, no morals. I was living one way and desiring another way. I needed to choose to make better choices and live within my value system. I battled with myself to redefine those values. In fact, I think I still am in some internal conversations about my values to this day.

In the 12 steps, the final 3 steps are about the maintenance of our program. I am to work, on a daily basis, on remaining connected to my Higher Power, to be of service to others and make things right when I have done wrong. I won't say that I am a total rockstar at these steps. I take an inventory on my behavior, but I am not always the first person to jump out there and make an amend for it. It's a character defect, as we call it in AA. It's partially pride, it's partially stubbornness. Ultimately, it's up to me to practice the steps in my daily life. If I don't or if I don't constantly pursue something of value, I can lose my way pretty easily. 

I believe that I will have an eternal battle within myself about who and what I am suppose to be. I don't necessarily view this as a bad thing. My values have to do with being of service to this world and having a positive impact. I have grand ideals of creating large scale changes about things I care about. On the other side of the coin, I am also a gossiper. I can be judgemental. I can be quick to annoyance or anger in certain situations. I don't find my values and ideals to be compatible with some of the things that make me "me". I can be sarcastic and rude. However, I can be caring and passionate about the health and well-being of others. At the end of the day, I feel like I lived about 70% within my value and 30% of just being the person I am. I have always been that way....

After last weeks little test of myself, I am drawn back into the conversation of the authentic self with yours truly. I am who I am; however, there are things about myself that I would like to change. My values and ideals haven't changed much - maybe expanded even. The disparity between my  values and my behaviors has grown in the past year. I had become very negative, discouraged and inconsistent. I didn't say what I meant and I wasn't always meaning what I was saying. What becomes overwhelming to me is the effort that it will take to change these things. I know I can, but some days it feels like it's just better to pull the covers back over my head and hide. Quite frankly, I have fallen back into some old behavioral patterns. While I am safe at my job now, I have a ripple effect going on since I got so triggered and emotional. I have been backsliding for quite some time, I would say maybe for the past 12-16 months. 

I choose a path of education and training that I believed to match my ideals. As I walked down this path, I think it held a mirror up to myself. We talk about clients who are going to relapse, we talk about someone walking out of the treatment center who overdosed and died, we talk about the client coming back for their 12th treatment. I see lives ruined, hopelessness and despair on a pretty regular basis. Tough crowd to work with, right? What is hard for me, is remembering that I was on that side not very long ago. I don't know if I let enough time lapse between my own experience and pursuing this professionally. It gets to feel a little too raw at times. Mind you, I don't regret this decision. In retrospect, I maybe should have waited for a bit longer before getting into the career. Since beginning to work with clients, my guilt and regret have been pretty strong. I see more clearly the strain and chaos I caused to others. I start reverting to judgemental behaviors in order to protect myself from having to say "you know what? That was me, I did that too. I feel bad about it."

However, I chose this field because of the ideals I carry about leaving the world a better place. I still maintain that I have something big to offer in this world and this career, passion or whatever I want to call it is it. I tap into that passion/power regularly in an effort to remind myself why I did this in the first place. I think I have been surprised at my immediate thoughts to jump ship in my inaugural time in the field. I do remember feeling this way when I first started nursing too. I wasn't perfect or the best right away so....I chose my path incorrectly. After 11 years in the nursing field now, I know I am a damn good nurse. I long to feel that way in  addictions counseling too. 

What I need to be careful about is as I move forward to be certain I have an authentic self outside of my career. I am in an interesting place right now. I have devoted significant money and time into a recovery-active career. I am not married, I have no children. I devoted my life to my career and become very unhappy when I am not satisfied in my career.  I start to regret the decision to be "career-centric" when the going gets rough. When I graduated from my second treatment, I got feedback from my peers who told me "you have to find something else besides nursing". I had no identity outside of that. I knew nothing else - it was the only thing at that point in my life I was any good at. Because my life is so focused on recovery - both personally and professionally, I am finding that I am hard pressed to identify anything else about myself. Recovery or bust. While that is important, it is a component of my life, not all of my life. What's the point of being in recovery and not doing anything fun in life now that I can enjoy it?

I think what I am appreciating about this spiritual journey is the opportunity to look at things like this. I feel like I have been afforded a fabulous opportunity to be connected with others and to my spirituality. MAM and I always have such conversation -- somehow the topic of the week is "just what we needed to hear". KG and I have been exploring our faith together as well as we attempt to find our confidence and place in this world. Both of these ladies and I are working everyday to do the hardest piece of the 12 steps (in my opinion anyway) - Give it over to God. Let God take care of it. There is a purpose and a reason for everything - I believe. It's hard to believe that there is light when things are dark. My belief/faith, though, has been like a little flashlight. I can choose to use it or not. I have chosen in the past not to use the resource sitting right in front of me. However, in this journey of recovery, I have these awesome people who remind me in the darkness that I can flip on my flashlight and the journey will continue on. 

Peace,
J