Recovery & Boredom

Part of my job these days is working in the correctional system. Initially, I was quite intimidated by this assignment. Now, it is probably the best part of my job. There are a few things that I enjoy about working with the folks I do. One, they are blunt. There is no need to guess what they are thinking; you are gonna hear it whether you like it or not. Second, my clients are in a unique situation; a very intense time to think about making a change. It can be very high in intensity.....I wouldn't change it for the world.

A while ago, I was doing an exercise with a group and asked them to tell me what they thought recovery looked like. I got the "standard" treatment responses: "Happy!" "Better relationships!" "More money!" I had probably about 20 responses up on the board. I had a few people giving me these weird looks. I asked what they might have to add. "Oh my God, it's boring as hell!" Then came all the less exciting and harder parts of recovery. Boredom, anxiety, having to relearn who you are as a person, learning to think differently after many years of thinking one way, keeping a schedule, keeping motivation up, staying accountable, etc. While I am a person that will tell the wonders of recovery, it's not always easy. I get tired of needing to work so hard some days. My life is quite a bit quieter and boring than it was 15 years ago.

Boredom is probably the most common relapse triggers I hear and also experienced. When I stopped drinking, I had a bunch of nervous energy. It was really hard to focus that energy somewhere. I had a probably staying still enough to read. I started about 3,000 craft projects and finished probably 2 of them in my first 3 years of recovery. Most of that was because my ability to focus and follow through was in pretty rough shape. I had spent the previous 15 years making excuses and lying to get out of finishing things or following through. Those habits and behaviors don't change overnight. 

The addict's brain associates pleasure and use. It seems like when getting into recovery, that addict brain only tends to pull out all the best memories of using. An internet meme that catches my attention "Well, you know, a good story never starts with 'I was having a salad...'". Oh very true. There were good times and fun times, for sure. I did a lot more things because I lost my inhibitions when using. I was younger. I could party all weekend and rebound relatively quickly. So, when I get bored sometimes, I start to think about those times and how much fun I was having. That can be a very dangerous place, especially in early recovery. When I hear anyone glorifying their use and their actions, I ask them to play that tape all the way through. Yeah, there was this "super fun time" but let's not forget that you are now the property of the correctional system. It didn't turn out all that well. For me, I will quickly change my attention to the last year of my life before I got sober. There is no good time that was high enough to compare with how low I was. Part of this whole recovery is somewhere in between - not too high and not too low.

The other issue I tend to see with boredom is the personality profile of a lot of addicts. I went to a training for a program that works through criminal thinking errors and how to run a program to challenge those errors and begin the process of changing those processes. There is one exercise that asks the client to draw something that "you have always wanted to do". Our trainer made mention that many of the clients in this program will do something related to skydiving or extreme sports. She told us, between criminal thinking and addictive thinking, there is a lot of adrenaline seeking. And...she has been right. Every single person I have worked with that has done that exercise has said skydiving. Many of us that became addicts, do have a thrill seeking side. In the first year of recovery, nothing feels fun. They brain is trying to figure out what is fun now that the drugs have been taken away. Boredom just feeds on itself and drives people back to use because not doing anything is SO uncomfortable. I don't want to sit here with my thoughts! Nothing is fun.....OMG, if I am going to feel this blah, at least I felt something when I used - good, bad or otherwise. 

I am currently working on a presentation about not only being addicted physically and psychologically to a drug or to alcohol, but also being addicted to the lifestyle that came with it. Many of the clients in the correctional system have gone to extreme lengths to maintain their drug habits. No surprise, there has been dealing, stealing, continued use despite probation restrictions, running away, etc. etc. Especially with dealing, these people were important, needed and had control over others. For those who were stealing got a bigger rush sometimes from doing that than they ever did from the drugs. All addicts become embedded in some type of lifestyle. It can be a criminal lifestyle, a co-dependency lifestyle, or a isolated lifestyle. We become dependent on that lifestyle. I often find myself saying "recovery is easy, you just need to change everything." By everything, we mean everything. Change who you hang out with, change your thinking, change where you are living, change your phone number, change your communication styles, change your job, change your schedule, go do this, go do that, take orders from your sponsor....on and on. That's a tall order. Absolutely doable. Difficult? For sure. Many of us get to a point where we are literally fighting for our lives and are will to do anything to get there. So change we do.

I used to be very popular at my favorite bar. I attended the after bar parties. I used to have a really grandiose view of myself. I acted criminally (drove while intoxicated being the biggest one - just never got caught). Most of us do. But, gosh it was fun. Well, not really, it just seemed like it. I watch people, including myself, struggle with the major shift in life in recovery. I am responsible for my own entertainment. When I did the same thing for 20 years, I had a really hard time thinking out of the box. Was there anything to do in world besides drinking? Sure didn't feel like it. I do like to read and do crafts. It strikes me as funny sometimes.....6 years ago, I would have a hard time envisioning myself spending 2 hours at JoAnn Fabrics going through fleece fabrics for making blankets. It's not the same level of excitement as going to a bar until 4am, but it is the life I lead now. It took me a year or so to get accustomed to a quieter life. Fortunately, after I got sober, I could finally stand myself. I stopping crawling out of my skin all the time. DBT challenged me to find me. I did a lot of working defining my values and priorities. I found out that I am actually a pretty OK person. I like to help others. I found a way to combine crafts and helping others. I connected with others through a bunch of other activities that don't require booze. I can see this now. It can really be a challenge to convince others who are recently sober.

​ When people ask me "why do people go back to using?", there are a lot of different reasons. It takes a long time to change everything and people relapse trying to get the changes right. Relapse is very high in the beginning because boredom can get the best of us. All the excitement seems to be gone. It's hard to see a life that was as exciting as that one. I spend my days trying to remind folks that exciting does not always mean positive. 

Peace all!
Julie

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