I have been off of work this week which has been great. I have had a wonderful time with my favorite tradition of taking the kids to the fair. I got to see my mom twice this week which is more rare these days. My niece and nephew each got a special day at the fair and I had the opportunity to do some shopping. So, when it came to going to church tonight, I thought about not going for a few minutes, thinking that I was kinda tired and not really feeling like going anywhere. Well, I moved past that and went. I am very glad for that because it was a message about something I have been struggling with for a while now. I think it about it. I haven't really talked about it. But, there it was, laid out right in front of me tonight. The title of the sermon tonight was Overcoming Slothiness. 

For the most part, I am a pretty busy. I can go months with things scheduled on the weekends. I work 1 full time job and 1 part time job. That part time job can be 4 hours in a weekend or 48 hours in a weekend. I work hard to keep connections with friends and get out to do fun things. So, I am busy. I wouldn't consider myself to be a total sloth by any means. I have my moments; however, in general, I have earned my downtime. We were challenged to dig deep tonight. No one is perfect and we all have area that we struggle to pay attention to. When life gets out of balance, we are sacrificing our attention to something else whether that be relationships, spirituality, health, etc. 

Recently, I have devoted more attention to my health and fitness. I have definitely been a sloth in that area for quite some time. I took the bull by the horns a few months ago and decided I needed to start doing something about it. In the recovery world, you will often hear "nothing changes if nothing changes". It's not just addiction, that's just life. So far so good, I have lost 14 pounds with many more to go. More importantly, I feel more energetic and ready to go. Something I really need to have with everything I like to do in a week! So, I am getting over my slothiness in this area.

I am on the ball with my recovery most everyday. As a part of my recovery, I have really focused in on my spirituality. Church is a part of that. Other parts are the volunteer work, AA meetings and mindfulness activities I try to do on a daily basis. So, no slothiness here. I know better than to get slothy in this area.

As they kept talking tonight, the one thing that kept coming up in my mind was procrastination. Everything is about "tomorrow". The laundry, cleaning the house, the charting at work. Everything is about tomorrow. Recently, I have sort of felt like a kid testing the boundaries. How long can I go with getting away with something before I really "have" to do it? I think back to the times when I was younger that I would go to the ends of the earth to make sure everything was done. I feel like in the past few years I have lost my edge on that. I lost something when I went to school this last time. I procrastinated so much and actually it paid off in a weird way. Apparently, I can be quite good under pressure. I wrote a paper 3 days before it was due and won an award for it. I started studying for the national exam for counseling 2 weeks before and passed with flying colors. I was still doing fine while procrastinating so it just reinforced more of the same. Procrastination just feeds on itself. 

I ended up having to work for a few hours on my vacation because of my procrastination. I tend to book myself at work with all sorts of things that I like to do and push off the things that I don't like to do. I like interviewing people for assessments, but I don't like having to write the report. I like meeting with clients, but don't like doing the charting. I like meeting with people in the community, but don't like having to set up 500 emails to go out to get the process started. So, I start with "I'll do it tomorrow" stuff. I do all the things that I like to do and even volunteer to things I don't have time for just to avoid what I don't like doing. I end up pushing myself right up against deadlines. I get it done. However, I end up causing myself 100x more stress than I need to had I just done the task in the first place. 
​
I think my Higher Power wanted me to go to church tonight. I felt like I was being held accountable there tonight. I need to be held accountable. I get frustrated with myself sometime with this whole procrastination thing. It has become such a bad habit. I will start racing to get things done because I fear getting in trouble. I generate all sorts of unneeded stress. To be honest, I am not even really sure that I would get in trouble. Somehow, it is what I need at that moment to get the motivation going. I don't like being motivated by fear. I want to be motivated because it's the right thing to do. I have tried to change things because I was motivated by fear. It never stuck. I feel like I have lost some of my internal fire that used to automatically make me a self-starter. I have lost the balance between getting what needs to be done and taking some well deserved downtime. I am justifying downtime that I have not earned just to avoid things I don't want to do. 

I started by finishing up a project that I have been working on for almost a year with my 2nd job. It's a project that was tedious and kind of annoying. I was so close to finishing it. Every time I would sit down to do it, I would start something else and decide that I was too tired or bored to work on it this time around. I will work on it "next weekend". Well, it is done now. It won't be hanging over my head anymore. What a relief that will be. I need to start reinforcing the positives of NOT procrastinating anymore. It's great that I can do good work under pressure; however, I do it at a great cost to my personal peace and serenity. Why do that? I don't need to!

So, to all my fellow procrastinators out there, I challenge you this week to step up and get something done. Something that you always say you are going to "next week". From a recovery standpoint, don't procrastinate. "I will stop drinking next week" turned into about 10 extra years of drinking on an already lengthy drinking career. Recovery is not something you wait for. Recovery is something we have to take care of. Recovery starts with the belief that we are capable of change and the hope that anything is possible. I procrastinated on this decision and it cost me nearly everything. It was too hard, it was too scary, it was too _______ (insert whatever excuse). I kept digging that hole, finding myself farther and farther from the sunlight. When I finally got to a point of "no more excuses" and "today is the day", I finally stopped digging. It took awhile to actually get out of that hole. What a relief it was to stop expending all that energy digging that hole deeper. 

Wishing everyone a great Labor Day weekend!
​Julie

I follow a couple of recovery blogs out there. I was reminded by my fellow recovery bloggers that September is, in fact, national recovery month. Yes, prevention works, yes treatment works, yes, people do recover. Addiction is complex, recovery isn't simple, but with more education, understanding and support, we can all come together and heal a broken system that often turns away the sickest in their greatest time of need when they have the least amount of resources available. 

Over the past year or so, there are a few themes in recovery that have really been in the forefront of discussion. In the recovery community, the issue of anonymity (I did write a previous blog on this) and in the news, everything about the opiate epidemic. I get a little frustrated by both conversations and I would like to take this blog entry to tell you why. Let's take a look at each of these individually because they are really separate issues.

#1 - Anonymity
I did write about this subject not to long ago. I really understand both sides of the argument. For one, there is so much stigma and judgement out there against people who are addicted to drugs. Let's see -- what are the names that people call us on a daily basis: addicts, alcoholics, alkies, lushies, junkies, hobos, tweakers, stoners, crackheads, psychos, nutjobs, wineos, druggies. This list is endless. These are generally some of the nicer ones out there. You should hear what we are called in the medical field - waste of resources, frequent fliers, waste of space. No wonder no one is really excited to stand up and say - "oh yeah, I am addicted!"

On the flip side, we are silent. We have no voice. We have people who advocate for us but they are such a small group. We have little funding to help ourselves. Addiction recovery is starting to get some coverage these days which I am glad to see but we are still light years behind other causes and medical issues. Substance abuse counselors aren't even really considered "real" practitioners most of the time. My present job excluded, my starting salaries at other jobs rivaled entry level jobs out of college in customer service (I have a Masters Degree by the way....). Because our voice is so quiet, the general public is unaware of the 23 million people in recovery and what it took to get there. The general public doesn't understand what an addict is going through. Because the behaviors of addicts can be so frustrating and appalling, most people just want to get rid of us instead of taking the time to understand what help we need to get better. 

Things are going to have to change with the recovery community first I think. We have to strip ourselves of the stigma too. I clearly have no problem talking about the fact that I am in recovery. I adore when people ask questions about my journey and about addiction. I want more people to be willing to get out there and talk about it. I am hoping that with social media and the higher media attention that addiction is getting, that the stigma will begin to recede so we can band together as a community and advocate for the resources that we need to treat this disorder.

#2 Heroin/Opiate Epidemic
Opiates are sure getting a lot of attention out there right now. There are parts of the country where heroin is killing people at unbelievable rates. When I am talking about my issues here, I am in no way saying that heroin is not a problem. The deaths with heroin/opiates are tragic and totally preventable. My beef with this coverage is that people are dying from every other drug as well. People are dying from alcohol every day - car crashes, liver failure, overdoses. People are overdosing on meth causing heart attacks and seizures. People are dying from crack and cocaine overdoses which cause cardiac collapse and strokes. None of these drugs really got anyone's attention, why is that? Well, opiates hit the suburban areas and then addiction became a real thing. All these other drugs like coke, meth and crack were all inner city problems. And alcohol? Well, that's legal. So those people are just dumb.

The deaths with heroin are very tragic and very sudden. However, so are the rest of these deaths. In my book, I don't care what you are addicted to, it all sucks. When the brain is so preoccupied with drugs or alcohol, it is really irrelevant in my book which one it is. I care from a withdrawal perspective which drugs you are using because some withdrawals are deadly, like alcohol. Some withdrawals are going to take longer and be more annoying. I care about that because I want to be able to let you know what you can expect from a treatment standpoint. However, as far as addiction is concerned, a drug is a drug. Please give us funding for treatment for everything, not just for opiates. Where I work, we are seeing a ton more meth addiction and alcohol certainly supersedes everything else. Because we are not seeing mass heroin use, our addictions don't matter as much?

I want our conversation to be about addiction. About chemical dependency. Not about one drug. Not about 1 group of people being affected. Addiction does not care who you are. Money, no money, education, no education. The color of your skin does not matter, you age does not matter, your family does not matter. Anyone can develop an addiction. While some people are more vulnerable to addiction, it can happen to anyone. It is sad to me that it took the opiate epidemic to get addiction on the radar. Heroin has been around for years. Prescription drugs (which are really synthetic forms of heroin) started to increase in the late 90s. Alcohol has been around forever. Meth has been around for a good long time as has cocaine. Drugs tend to be fairly cyclical in nature. Talk to any counselor who has been in the field for 30 years, they can tell you which drugs have come and gone over the years. 

So, for National Recovery Month, I hope that we will not just focus on the heroin/opiate epidemic. I hope that we will focus on chemical dependency and recovery. Recovery is lifelong journey that requires an incredible amount of change. I joke with people saying "recovery is easy, you just have to change everything." As the old saying goes....behind every joke is a bit of truth. So, I give a shout out to all those in recovery this month especially for all the hard work you have done to get into recovery and all the hard work you continue to do to stick with it!

I think one of the more challenging things in early recovery is trying to figure out what to do. In my case, everything I ever did had alcohol involved with it. When I wasn't doing anything social, I still had alcohol involved with it. When I stopped drinking, I truly felt lost. I literally didn't know what to do with myself. I suddenly longed for every social situation I bailed on prior to quitting. All the parties, all the bar hopping, etc. My brain couldn't visualize doing anything fun without alcohol. 

Part of the difficulty is the relationships I had. I had quite the reputation with most of my friends. That's all they knew of me -- my ability to party and an epic tolerance for alcohol. The invitations were still coming my way now and again to attend events. Instead of not going because I knew I would probably get a DUI trying to get home, I wasn't going because I was trying not to drink. That made my addict brain really upset. Suddenly, I wanted to go to everything. Right now. On the flip side, there were healthier relationships that had almost ceased to exist because I stopped paying attention to them. These would have been the relationships to keep around and would have been a better support when getting sober, but I had made the same mistake that many addicts do -- I fed the relationships that met my immediate social and alcohol needs. 

Fear not, for those of you in early recovery, the relationships will fall where they may. Some folks I found were gone the minute I got sober. Some folks thought addiction issues were just BS and couldn't respect what I was trying to do. Some folks were just down right awesome and stood by me. It's not the world's easiest adjustment. There were friends I really wanted to stick around but no matter how hard I tried, the relationships didn't work. There are some relationships that I thought would never last that turned out to be the greatest supports I have ever known. 

For the few years before I got sober, I used to go to the State Fair with a friend. We drank a lot together when we worked together. Even when I left the job, we were both in unhappy marriages and we were in a great position to drink our woes away. I did have a really good time and I was always really excited to go and we had built a tradition for several years. Six years ago at this time, I was about a week out of the hospital after an epic relapse requiring a 6 day detox. I remember sitting at home thinking that the fair was coming up and there was no way that I was going to be able to go anymore. Trust me, the pity party was in full force.

One day I finally came up with the idea of bringing my nephew to fair. This was going to be a totally different experience. Normally, it would have been - get there at 3:00, start drinking, visit 2-3 areas, eat, drink some more, visit something else and then have a few for the road. This visit was going to be getting up at 6:30am, catching the bus, hitting every single thing that we can manage, eating, laughing, watching people, more walking, riding rides, eating, laughing some more and spoiling this little one ROTTEN. 

One thing I had learned in DBT was "building a life worth living". Part of the process was finding new traditions, new hobbies and new things to do. As the years have passed, this time of year is just my favorite. At the beginning of the month, I get to celebrate my "other birthday" which has formed a totally cool new tradition with my family and my recovery support crew. Then, the focus turns to the state fair. My nephew and I talk about it all year around. Now my niece and I are going to start our own tradition this year as well. There is no greater pleasure for me than to see the state fair through the eyes of these kids. It's a full day of "whatever you want to do." We play. We laugh and talk 120 pictures of smiles and joy. If that isn't "a life worth living", I don't know what is.

It's taken me some time for me to develop new traditions. I have sought new traditions through volunteer work, through AA meetings, through reaching out to friends and trying to recreate activities I liked to do without alcohol. It's taken the effort of pushing through times of anxiety. It has taken me time to gain the confidence to be ok with what I like to do now. I had to take some chances. Some of them worked out, some of them didn't. Whether a person is in recovery or not, life changes over time and we all need to keep a degree of flexibility to adapt as life moves forward. When I was using, I wanted everything to stay the same. I didn't like change. I didn't like when other people's lives changed. Recovery finally got me to a point of flexibility. It's much nicer here.

I look forward to building more traditions in my life. 

​Julie

It's that time of year when I celebrate my "other" birthday. My sober birthday. 08/09/2010. So, yes, I am a few days early. I have a tradition now of getting my medallion at the AA group I first started attending in the beginning of my recovery. I went today to get my medallion. My mom was there to present it to me. My how our lives have changed. I am no longer trying to hide my secrets and shame from her, instead, I can proudly say in front of her, "Hi everyone! I am Julie. I am an alcoholic and I have been sober 6 years!" So cool.

After 6 years, I thought it might be fun to look at the 12 steps of recovery:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.  - I never really had a problem with the first part of this step. I knew I was powerless over alcohol, it just took me about 15 years to figure out that my life was unmanageable. Once I got there though, I finally was empowered to make the long-term changes I needed to make. 
   
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. - I was still pretty mad at God when I was first getting sober, but the irony was is that I still believed in Him. Can't be mad at Him without believing in Him. I felt insane. I tried to do everything I could to try to control my drinking. It never worked. Why not give this a try? My way sure wasn't working
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. - At a meeting, someone once said, "When I drive, I drive into the ditch, I sit in the passenger seat now." Something about that has always stuck with me. When I am stressed out or trying to control something that I cannot control, I just give it God. If something is meant to be, it will be, no sense in getting all bent out of shape for things I can't control. It took a lot of practice to do this step more often than not. I still need a reminder from time to time.....
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. - Oh boy, I didn't like this step. I laid it all out there. All the fears, all the people I hurt, all the things I did. I realized that addiction takes everyone to bad places. It doesn't mean that we are bad people, we are sick. I was sick. I was living against my value system. I explored my fears, my biases and resentments. There it was, all on 10 sheets of paper. It wasn't pretty, but I did it.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. - It's another thing to actually have to say it out loud. What I learned from this step though is that no matter where addiction took me and no matter how bad I of a person I thought I was, I could admit what I did and it wouldn't kill me. Some of it was embarrassing, some of it was just hard to admit and some of it I would have preferred not to have to actually say out loud. The purpose, though, is to say it, get it out and move on. Release these resentments. Move past the embarrassments. Dump the baggage. 
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. - Yeah, we all have defects of character. I was really good at self-pity and I was very self-centered. I struggled with ego and pride. It wasn't until several years into recovery that I really felt like I was really "ready" to have my defects removed. Defects are parts of me that don't support ongoing recovery. There is nothing wrong with me, per se, they are qualities I have developed around my addiction. They were very comfortable and familiar to me. These qualities pop back into my life every once and awhile. Like most of the steps, I can't just do them once.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. Here is another step that I need to regularly. I consider this my humility check. When my ego and/or pride start to get in the way, I can tell by the way I am feeling or reacting. I do turn to God at these times to ask him to help me past these times. 
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. - I actually didn't want to join AA because of this step. I didn't want to ever have to go back and have to say I am sorry to anyone. There are still some people out there that I want to say sorry to. I still carry embarrassment and shame about behaviors of the past. Of all the steps, I struggle with this one the most. I can make that list. It is regularly in my head. That willingness to make amends has been slow in some cases. 
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. There are a few people where direct amends would not be a good idea. In general, those are few and far between. I have made some direct amends over the years. I still have plenty more to make. Steps 8&9 tends to be the times where my pride and ego pops back up. I fear the awkwardness of saying I am sorry. I will continue to work on it. 
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. - This I am working on as well. I am WAY better today at admitting I am wrong and being able to admit when I don't know something. I have a different kind of confidence in my life and I don't need to right all the time. It's a much more peaceful existence!! I do like doing an inventory more regularly now so that all my fears and resentments don't build up and create chaos in my life.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. -This has probably been my favorite point of focus for the past year. Since 2014, I have been working really hard on developing my spirituality. Since I shifted my focus here, I have noticed an exponential increase in the positivity in my life. I still have times of stress and hard times, but when I look over the past and 1/2, I am generally very happy with what I see. I believe that quieting my mind and taking more time to listen to my heart and been leading me in a happier direction.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs. - So, my job is not service work. While I talk about AA with my clients, I do not consider that carrying the message. That is clinical information. I do my 12th step work in a variety of ways. I am working on finding some new ways too. More to come on that one. In general, I try to incorporate many of these principles into my daily life. I practiced these steps so hard in my first few years, that they are really second nature to me now and I don't think about it much. I am doing what I need to do to make sure that I am sober for the next 24 hours.

It was really an exciting day for me. I really love this time of year. I am proud of my recovery. It is the hardest and best thing I have ever done for myself. I have met so many wonderful people because of it. I have an awesome job because of it. I have a great life because of it. Welcome year 6, can't wait to see what awaits!

​Julie

The past two weeks have been an interesting combination of action versus patience. Last week, I went to church for the first time in a long time. The women presenting the sermon gave one of those raw and vulnerable talks about wanting to give up, even to the point of praying for something to happen so she didn't need to continue forward. She followed that up with "how selfish" those thoughts really are. It was definitely something I needed to hear. 

If I have learned anything about myself in the past few years, it's when things start to get hard, I just want to be able to run away. I started that habit years ago, in college. When a job got hard, I just quit. I had no tolerance for failure and made situations out to be way worse than they actually were. These habits and thoughts remained me for a long period of time. My nephew asked me a few months ago "How many jobs have you had...." My mom had a reaction to the question since she had watched me change jobs about every 6 months for years and years. It was hard for her to see that because of insurance, income, etc. I told him I really didn't remember but over 15 for sure. When things started to get tough or I was so insecure that I couldn't take any feedback, I bolted. 

My nursing job that I still working casually now is the longest term position that I have ever had, coming up on 7 seven years in September. When I got put on my monitoring program, I needed to have my supervisor fill out a quarterly report on my performance. Even when I felt like I wanted to leave, I didn't want to go through explaining to a new employer what this was all about. Plus, my supervisor was so supportive of me and really understood the recovery that I was trying to achieve at that time. 

When I started with in substance abuse, I played out the same pattern. I have been in the field for officially 2.5 years and have had 4 jobs. Fortunately, I have found a job where I am quite content. I am hopeful that I can be more reasonable about this part of my life as things move forward. To me, "action" means changing something drastic. While that might be true in certain situation, it's likely not very true in world of employment. Making an impulsive decision to leave a job has several repercussions these days. Substance abuse has been a difficult field for me. I do enjoy it and have no plans to run. Occasionally, however, I get those thoughts of "why am I doing this? I don't know what I am doing, get me out of here! I can't handle this." 

What I took from the sermon last week is that the first place to start taking action is with my own thoughts. My thoughts are going to impact everything; from the way that I see things, the way I present things to the way that I react to things. During my time in DBT, I learned a lot about skills to "check the facts" on my thoughts, be mindful and aware of my thoughts. I was immediately back to this place when she was talking. If I can take some action here, my outwardly actions are going to be more impactful when I am coming from a reasonable and strong place.

We were also encouraged to listen and be open to the next steps that we need to take in life. I feel lost at times when it comes to this. For the past several months, I have felt restless. I feel like there is something missing. I am not sure exactly what it is or what I feel like I need. This message of taking action causes a strong response in me, however, I left feeling like "I know I want to, but what is it I need to be doing here???" It can be frustrating at times for sure.

Then, this week, our sermon was about patience. Again, I was brought back to my world of DBT. Being mindful, purposeful and present. In this world today, there are so many ways to instantly gratify our feelings and emotions. I am bored - here is my phone. I am hungry - here are 1,000 fast food restaurants. I am lonely - here is the internet. Alcohol was the one thing that addressed all of the above for me as I am sure it does for any other people. Taking the opportunity to learn to slow down, be present and enjoy the experience of the now is one of the greatest skills that I learned from DBT. In that moment, I am not experiencing any anxiety about the past, nor am I feeling worried about the future. I am just here. Right now. Right here. Enjoying my time. 

The message that really caught me tonight was about asking for things. I believe my Higher Power to be God. I pray frequently asking for my negative thoughts to be taking away, asking for me to be able to let go of what I can't control and also praying for others who are having a tough time. I ask for certain other things like maybe a relationship that I am happy with or to find a new activity that I love. When those things don't come to me, I get frustrated, even angry. "Why don't I get to be happy? Why can't I find this?" In the AA world, these types of thoughts are called a pity party. And they are selfish. I was reminded tonight that maybe I am to be learning something while I am waiting for some of these things to happen in my life. Maybe there is a lesson to learn or maybe now is not the right time because something bigger is coming along.

When I think about my most "successful" time in recovery, I think of 2012. I was feeling good, feeling very passionate and finally working toward the goal of getting a Master's Degree. I was looking forward to something and feeling a strong passion about joining the field. In some ways, I struggle with finally being here, working in the field. I underestimated how difficult certain aspects of my job were going to be. I went through this with nursing as well. I try to remind myself that not everything is going to be roses and rainbows. I need to also be in the field for a longer period of time before I really "know what I am doing." AKA Patience. 

Lastly, what I thought about in church was all the times that I prayed to God when I was drinking. I was demanding to be better. I was angry and bitter about my experiences. I wanted to know why God would ever allow someone to suffer like this. When I finally was ready to get sober, I was given everything. God was patient with me while I cursed his name and turned my back. God was patient while I tried to figure out what type of relationship I wanted to have with Him. God was also patient as I made decisions that were not supportive of being the type of person that I wanted to be. It's time for me to extend some of that patiences to God now. If I become overly consumed, thinking about the two or three things that I want and want right now, I might miss a message about a path that gives me more happiness than what I think I might have with these 2 or 3 things. 

I have a goal this next month. I want to be more aware of my thoughts and challenge the negative ones. I also want to be more quiet in my time to listen. I feel a need to be open to listening. I hope that will address some of my restlessness. 

Hope all is well out there for everyone!
​Julie 

I finally got back to church for the first time in a few months. There is something about the place I go -- when I go, it's something really thought provoking and relevant to where I am at in my life. This week, we listened about how the past can be a trap -- both the positive past and the negative past. If we get stuck there, we stop believing that anything can change and there might be a different path for us. I think in my own experience, I know this to be true; however, there is something about hearing it outside of my own head that was quite powerful.

I am a firm believer that the past is something that we cannot get rid of. The past helped to define and shape the people we are today. The past can certainly haunt us, trap us or motivate us. The past serves a purpose in our lives. The fine balance is not to let the past be our present or our future. In AA, we say "We will not regret the past, nor close the door on it." When I read this promise, I knew the promise of happiness could be within my reach if I could somehow tame the past and move forward.

When I started DBT, as well, we talk about about rebuilding our lives and moving on. I knew that I wanted to move on, I just didn't know how. I speak with many others that are trapped by their past and it starts to ruin the present and the future. The mindfulness activities that we did were to help pull us into the present and stay here. Enjoy this moment. No worrying about the future, no reliving the past. Be here, just sit in the moment. It was probably one of the most difficult things I learned to do. I think I miss that the most about my classes with that group. Constantly practicing bringing myself back to the present was probably one of the most relieving things I know how to do.

I started thinking about the process of grief. At the beginning of May was the 25th anniversary of my dad's death. While I was doing some research on grief for a client of mine, I thought about my own experiences with grief. I found this statement about grief to be so true: Read here

Grief is probably, at least in my opinion, one of the most difficult things to get through and leave in the past. It probably took about 10 years for the grief related to my dad's death not to take my breath away when I thought about it. As I achieved things in my life, I wanted him to be there - high school, college, nursing school, my wedding. I just shoved all that grief down and acted like I was stronger than I really was. As I started to get sober, I started to value the time that I had, the opportunities I had to care for him and feel very secure in the knowledge that we are still connected to this day. What I learned from him, I attempt to practice daily and have devoted myself to the same ideals he did.

The next period of grief I experienced was my divorce. My counselor at the time did help me to see that I was, in fact, experiencing grief. A loss of a dream and an ideal. I felt like I had failed on so many different levels and I had let so many people down. I was grieving the place that society holds married couples. I was crippled by this grief and loss for a long time. Like most people, I search to replace the loss with other relationships and other things, alcohol included, for me. The only way to get past the grief and loss for that time period was to drown myself and forget it. Sadly, that was about the time that alcohol stopped working for me. It was making this process a million times more miserable. 

The magic question for many people getting into recovery is "how do I get past this?" What is the magic word or action that a person can do to "move on"? If my life moves forward after the loss of someone or something, will that be disrespectful? I had a journey for myself and now, because of this loss or event, I will never be the same. Who am I now? I wasn't prepared to live this new life like this. I don't know how to move forward.

In the past 5 years, this recovery journey has been focused on how do I move forward now. There are times that I think about the past and wish I was able to change the course. I wished I had followed my instincts back in the day and not made certain choices. When I find myself going there, the first thing I need to do is STOP IT. I can literally drive myself crazy thinking about the what ifs. While it is a hard truth sometimes, there is not a damn thing I can do about it now. The value that the past holds for me now is to take the lessons I learned and decide what kind of future I wanted for my life. As the serenity prayer states: Accept the things I cannot change (the past) and courage to change the things I can (the future).

There is a delicate balance of not denying the past and moving on from the past. I still struggle to do it. In fact, it is one of my relapse trigger warnings for myself. When I start looking back and living in the past, it makes me thirsty. Earlier in my recovery, I found myself fixated on how exciting I thought my life was back then. It was not even a remotely accurate view on things; however, I wanted a reason to go back there because something currently was not working well. I also get fixated on the decisions I made that forever changed the course of my life and the minute I start wishing to make changes to them, I know that I am in some trouble. Fortunately, these days I appreciate my present and hold great excitement about the future. I set out on a mission in my second year of recovery. I want to be an advocate. I want to be a voice about addiction and recovery. Today, more than ever, I feel like I am participating in that dream. Dwelling on the past only distracts me from there here and now where I am actually doing something I find really meaningful.

How did I get past the past? I am not sure where the magic moment happened. I think once I started to value myself as a person, I could see a future. I had been so oriented in the past. When I did my 1st 4th step (a fearless and searching moral inventory), I did feel a sense of relief. Kind of like "There, I said it outloud. I did it, let' move on." I didn't burst into flames. The world didn't self-destruct. (For those who are reading this and know me somewhat, I can be a  bit dramatic so I really thoughts these things were a possibility.) For the first year of recovery, I was spending my time keeping my nose above water. In the 2nd year, I turned my focus to the future and wondered what I could do. Addiction sucked. Recovery was pretty sweet compared to the previous 15 years. Somewhere in that time, I was able to find that balance of saying, this is who I was for all these years. I clawed and scratched my way into recovery. That has value. I have strength. And if I can do it, others can too.  I changed my vision. I finally understood my recovery as a time to redefine myself and my values. I lost so many things in addiction including any sense of self. I know that life became pretty miserable when I didn't know what to do other than circle the drain. Church this week was just a good reminder that I can stay to the vision and keep my eye on a bright future or run to the past and dwell on what could have been. 

Peace all!
​Julie

Wrestler Chyna Doll (Joan Laurer) passed away a month ago from a drug overdose. I remember watching her on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. I felt a weird connection with her even though we had very little in common. If my recollection serves me right, she was on Celebrity Rehab somewhere around 2008. The interview I remember (which is not much because I was in my own alcohol induced stupor at this point in my life) was her trying to decide whether or not she was an addict. While in treatment, she was coming closer to making that admission. I remember thinking it was so weird that she didn't think she was an addict. That was something I never really struggled with in terms of my addiction. I knew I was addicted, many, many years before I was willing to do anything about it. I was taken by her because she was so tough and broken into a male dominated arena. Yet here she was addicted, just like me. 

​Anyway, another high profile death due to addiction is here. My instincts tell me that prescription drugs will ultimately be shown to have a contributing factor in Prince's death as well. Meanwhile in the "normal", non-famous world, 200,000 people per year are dying because of illicit drug use, 85,000 a year from alcohol related deaths and 20,000 from prescription drug abuse and/or dependence (National Institute on Drug Abuse). Holy crap, right? Substance Abuse is going to be taking over the #1 area of health concern by 2020, topping diseases such as diabetes and cardiovascular issues. Opiates are taking 100 lives a day.Yet, I feel like our voice is silent.

I understand, firsthand, why anonymity is so crucial in recovery. My shame about being addicted was so strong. I did not want anyone to know anything about my issues. When I returned to work after my first stint in rehab, I just told people I had an unspecified health issue. It wasn't until months after I came back that I was willing to talk about it with anyone other than my boss who knew and supported me through my issues. 

After a while, though, I felt that me not talking about what I was going through in terms of recovery was starting to feel just as bad as me lying about the problem I had in the first place. I started sharing what had happened and I felt a great deal of pressure be lifted from me. I didn't want to be anonymous anymore. I don't care if people know that I am addict. In fact, I wanted them to know. I also want them to know that I am in recovery and ask the questions about addiction so they might be able to get some answers too.

There are pros and cons to staying anonymous and to getting out there and being a voice for recovery. No doubt, people still judge addicts. We are still having the discussions out there about whether or not addiction is a disease or just a lack of willpower. I understand both sides of the argument very well and can really support either side. However, anonymity is causing one major problem in my opinion. We aren't organized. We aren't advocating for ourselves and we aren't doing much to reduce the stigma against us. I believe the recovery community has 1000 good reasons for staying out of the limelight. Part of it comes from AA and the traditions which indicate that AA does not get involved in anything - political or otherwise. Part of it comes from the safety of not being judged in a neutral environment. I guess this begs the question, can a person participate in advocacy and remain anonymous?

Addiction is killing people. Plain and simple. 23 million Americans are in recovery and took many different ways to get there. Yet, we are still talking in code on the street and unwilling to come forward to have our voices be heard. For those of us that took the journey to get sober, we know the difficulties with getting insurance to pay for treatment. We know what it is like to show up in the emergency room and be turned away. We know what it is like to be given a pill from a doctor who clearly doesn't understand addiction and be sent home. The most effect place to institute change is at a policy level. Paul Wellstone did that for us when he demanded that insurance companies pay for mental health and substance abuse services like all other medical conditions. This is still not happening but we have no collective voice to share these issues to promote change. 

I want to reiterate that I understand the desire for anonymity. However, if we are ever going to change the stigma that we face, it's time to come out of shadows and be proud of what we have accomplished. It's time to show that what people might believe addiction to be is not necessarily correct. We need to organize and have our voices heard. There are more treatments available than ever and also a better scientific understanding about addiction. Addiction doesn't have to be a death sentence anymore. I believe our silence is costing us dearly.

As I am getting closer to 40, what remains of my biological clock reminds me that there isn't too many years left to do the whole motherhood thing. There was a time in my life that I thought I wanted at least 5 children. In a weird way, the person I ended up marrying was extremely anti-children and in order not to rock the boat, I went along with it. Given all the issues I experienced with addiction, I am grateful, in a way, that children didn't happen for me. As my ex used to say, you would be a terrible mother. Since he saw me drunk most every day, he was right. 

But, what about now. It took me some time after my divorce to get sober. Once I did, it was a long road to obtain any level of stability that would open the door to welcoming children into the picture. I had a long-term relationship of 5 years in which I thought this might be the person to have that conversation with. Unfortunately, there was too much drama outside of us that continuously affected us. I never did get to be a priority in his life and finally I had to decide whether or not this relationship was even remotely fulfilling anymore. As it turns out, nope, it wasn't.

Dating has not been a great deal of fun for me. In fact, I just left it alone for almost 2 years. My focus has become my career and my recovery. While I love children, I just don't think that they will happen for me. I was having a conversation with another late 30-something about turning 40. What does these mean if we never had kids? Am I less of a woman for it? Unmarried. Childless. Nearly 40. In today's age am I still considered a spinster? The fact that I have 2 cats probably isn't helping much either with the stereotype.

My Facebook feed is awashed with pictures of new mothers, mothers whose children are doing wonderful things, mothers becoming grandmothers. From time to time, I have a pang of jealously, wondering if I tried hard enough, could it still happen for me. In all honesty, though, I am not cut out to be a mother. I listen to my friends talk about the struggles of raising children. Dealing with the hurt and pain of a sick child or issues of bullying at school. While I know their love runs deeper than I probably can feel for their children, I often hear the intense sacrifices given up for them - the sleepless nights, the stomach wrenching worry, etc. I also do see, feel and hear about the unconditional love and joy children can bring as well. 

I have accepted that children are not going to be for me. Around Mother's Day is one of the main times when this subject really starts to eat at me. I start to have the shoulda, woulda, coulda conversation. Had I not gotten so wrapped up in my addiction, it could have happened. If I hadn't stayed in a dead-end relationship for 5 years, it could have happened. If I would get out there and try harder, maybe. In reality though? I hate the shoulda, coulda, woulda. For much of my life in recovery, I have devoted myself to allowing God to take the reigns in my life. Just because I want it, doesn't mean that is what I need or what I get. 

I guess I consider my motherhood to be focused on my recovery. The first few years were tough but as the years move forward, I am amazed at what my recovery has allowed me to do. I am a voice for possibilities. I am a voice for access to treatment. I am an example showing that recovery is possible and it works. I will remain devoted to nurturing my recovery for the benefit of my community. I am an advocate for others. This type of motherhood is extremely rewarding to me. While I may never know the joy of holding my own child, I take deep pride in holding the hands of my fellow brothers and sisters who suffer from addiction. I am considering myself a "non-traditional mother". 

Lest we forget, I also am overly devoted to my cats. My furry babies are also part of my motherhood. We provide each other love and joy every day. Again, not a traditional mother but a worried, obsessive, concerned and in-love person who would do a lot to ensure the comfort and safety of my little beasties. 

For all my friends out there that didn't have the opportunity or didn't desire to have the opportunity to have children, I encourage us to redefine our motherhoods. Many of us have the instincts and might have made excellent mothers in the traditional sense. However, we were called, directed or moved to something different and there is nothing wrong with that. Whatever it is that we chose to take care of, to raise and to nurture is something that we can be very proud of. 

Peace!
​Julie

 Last month, I decided it was finally time to get the kids into the vet. I loathe taking them to the vet because they are so stressed out by it which in turn makes me stressed out. It was, however, time to do so. I was also kinda curious about how they were doing since they are now considered "seniors" at 8, almost 9 years old. Well, the news for one was fine (Duke - he is the orange and white one). Daisy, on the other hand has some issues with her digestive tract. She has had two follow up visits now. Today was the second and the vet and I had a chat about her long-term prognosis. It appears that my baby girl, Daisy, may not be with me much longer. It's hard to say right now.

Daisy (born Girlfriend) and Duke (born Derreck) were born on June 17th, 2007. They came into my life at 12 weeks old when I lived in Minneapolis. I thought it might be fitting to tell you a bit about our lives together because they have a ton to do with my recovery.

I turned 30 years old on January 25th, 2007. I was a MESS. My life wasn't were I thought it was going to be. My drinking had escalated to new heights. Nursing was hard, my marriage was falling apart. In the beginning of February of that year, I asked my husband to move out and I was filing for divorce. I thought that he hated me and was going to celebrate this announcement. Instead he cried, and I wondered what the hell I was doing. We had two cats at that time. I pushed for him to move out, I didn't want to live together anymore. When he secured his new place, we talked about the property in the condo. I asked him to take all the furniture because it was old and I didn't like it. We talked about the cats and I suggested that he take them both because they were bonded and Panther was in LOVE with him. 

I left the condo on the day that he moved. I came home and almost everything was gone except for my  computer, a desk, a TV, a chest of drawers, a radio and my bed. The cats were still there. I got drunk, because that is what I did. He stopped over with the carrier, put the two in there and left immediately to his new home and his new life. I sat in in the middle of the living room where everything had been but was now gone. I wanted to be alone for so long and here it was and I was completely devastated. 

My aunt and uncle came in to help me renovate the condo so I would have a chance to sell it. They did such amazing work and the place was SO pretty. I put the condo on the market but the market was just not good. I was so scared to mess up anything that I lived basically in a corner of the bedroom. I wanted my place to be show ready at all time, just in case. I couldn't afford to do anything at that time, so many of nights, I just watched hours of TV, drinking a bottle of rum, cursing God for my misery. I was seeing a therapist at the time. I talked about how much those cats meant to me and how watching them go was more devastating that getting a divorce. She kept recommending that I think about getting cats again. I couldn't afford it and I was still hoping to sell the house. 

Well, the house didn't sell. I made a decision to "live in my place". My divorced was finalized in July 2007, just after our 3rd wedding anniversary and 9ish years together. I absolutely lost it. I thought I was going to be really excited about that day. I had thought about taking my life so many times before that day. My world was so dark, so sad, so lonely. I never had the guts to actually do something about it. Well, one night I did. I drank 1.25 liters of run and took handfuls of every prescription pill I could find in my house. I laid down on the floor of my second bedroom and tried to figure out what I wanted my last thoughts to be. I fell asleep. 

I woke up vomiting all over the place. I was so angry but completely terrified. I called a family friend who took me to the emergency room. I had caused a heart flutter with all the meds I took. I earned myself a room in the detox section. Several hours later, I was transferred to the crisis center. I convinced them to let me go home. Ultimately, I ended up being admitted for 10 days about a week or so later after the suicidal thoughts didn't stop. That is another blog about why our mental health system is broken. 

After I was released, I returned to therapy. After another month or so, my therapist finally said, "Holy cow, move into that place and get yourself some cats!" Well, I was paying her good money, so I thought I would take her advice. I started looking.

I got connected with a shelter in southern MN that was overwhelmed with kittens. I arranged to take these two and was so excited. The shelter rep emailed me two days before the drop off date and told me that Duke had a fungal infection -- they would understand if I didn't want them. What the hell? I am nurse, I can apply some ointment to cat? Give them to me!

I picked them up in Shakopee, MN at the McDonalds on 169. They screamed the entire way home. These kids are not much for the car. I got them to my condo and let them out of the carrier. Daisy proceeded to jump onto my new leather couch and pooped all over it. I am pretty sure I heard Duke laugh. Our adventure began. I looked over their paperwork and apparently someone wanted to name Girlfriend, Daisy. I liked Daisy better. I had a college relationship with a guy by the name of Derreck so that name was not sticking around. I think it was my uncle that suggested Duke. It stuck. People think I am a huge fan of the Dukes of Hazzard. Eh. Not so much, just think the names are cute together. 

I was drunk Mom for the first 3 years of their lives. Daisy is not much of a snuggler like Duke except for when I was really upset about something. She would come and just sit on my lap. For all these years, any time I have a cold or am not feeling very happy about something, she comes and sits on me. Duke, on the other hand, is my attention man-whore. If I am capable of petting at any given moment, that is what I should be doing. He sleeps by my head every night and Daisy sleeps at my feet. She bites my toes if I am encroaching on her space.

When I finally went to rehab for a month in 2010, my neighbors and Mom just jumped right in and took care of them for me. My Mom sent me this really cute card when I was there with a cat sitting on shredded paper "Hurry home, we are in pieces without you..." Gosh, I missed those little one. 

Over the years as I have attempted to date, I am very firm about my "must like cats" clause. I was in a long-term relationship and at one point, we had talked about moving in together. He was allergic and I put some feelers out about rehoming them.  Well, that person is no longer around and these two still are. Sorry future men of my life, these guys were here long before you and I made a lifetime commitment to them. There will not be any conversation about getting rid of them.

There is nothing like walking through the door everyday and being greeting my two cats. There tails are raised way in the air and they need immediate attention which I am always happy to give . I get snuggles for the rest of the evening and always have company no matter what I am doing. They do goofball things and make me laugh. I have a few hundred stories to share if you are willing to listen. 

Over the past 9 years we have spent together, these guys have seen me through all of it. We've done 3 moves, many, many jobs, a few relationships, the birth of my nephew and niece, active alcoholism to recovery. Every minute they have loved me the same. For that, I am truly grateful and always have my kittens on my gratitude list. Daisy and Duke became something to live for. The idea of me dying and them going to a shelter was unacceptable to me. The mere thought of them being confused about why I wasn't there was too much for me to take! I needed these guys. I needed to get out of my selfish, self-pity, loathing existence. I needed to get outside of myself. When these guys came into my life, that is what happened. Back in 2007, I did attend treatment for a very short period of time. I knew I was in trouble with my drinking. Even though it took a few more years to get there, these cats were a part of the reason I never attempted to take my life again.  They helped me see all the things outside of myself I needed to live for. Did you know that a cat can do that? 

Peace,
Julie

Part of my job these days is working in the correctional system. Initially, I was quite intimidated by this assignment. Now, it is probably the best part of my job. There are a few things that I enjoy about working with the folks I do. One, they are blunt. There is no need to guess what they are thinking; you are gonna hear it whether you like it or not. Second, my clients are in a unique situation; a very intense time to think about making a change. It can be very high in intensity.....I wouldn't change it for the world.

A while ago, I was doing an exercise with a group and asked them to tell me what they thought recovery looked like. I got the "standard" treatment responses: "Happy!" "Better relationships!" "More money!" I had probably about 20 responses up on the board. I had a few people giving me these weird looks. I asked what they might have to add. "Oh my God, it's boring as hell!" Then came all the less exciting and harder parts of recovery. Boredom, anxiety, having to relearn who you are as a person, learning to think differently after many years of thinking one way, keeping a schedule, keeping motivation up, staying accountable, etc. While I am a person that will tell the wonders of recovery, it's not always easy. I get tired of needing to work so hard some days. My life is quite a bit quieter and boring than it was 15 years ago.

Boredom is probably the most common relapse triggers I hear and also experienced. When I stopped drinking, I had a bunch of nervous energy. It was really hard to focus that energy somewhere. I had a probably staying still enough to read. I started about 3,000 craft projects and finished probably 2 of them in my first 3 years of recovery. Most of that was because my ability to focus and follow through was in pretty rough shape. I had spent the previous 15 years making excuses and lying to get out of finishing things or following through. Those habits and behaviors don't change overnight. 

The addict's brain associates pleasure and use. It seems like when getting into recovery, that addict brain only tends to pull out all the best memories of using. An internet meme that catches my attention "Well, you know, a good story never starts with 'I was having a salad...'". Oh very true. There were good times and fun times, for sure. I did a lot more things because I lost my inhibitions when using. I was younger. I could party all weekend and rebound relatively quickly. So, when I get bored sometimes, I start to think about those times and how much fun I was having. That can be a very dangerous place, especially in early recovery. When I hear anyone glorifying their use and their actions, I ask them to play that tape all the way through. Yeah, there was this "super fun time" but let's not forget that you are now the property of the correctional system. It didn't turn out all that well. For me, I will quickly change my attention to the last year of my life before I got sober. There is no good time that was high enough to compare with how low I was. Part of this whole recovery is somewhere in between - not too high and not too low.

The other issue I tend to see with boredom is the personality profile of a lot of addicts. I went to a training for a program that works through criminal thinking errors and how to run a program to challenge those errors and begin the process of changing those processes. There is one exercise that asks the client to draw something that "you have always wanted to do". Our trainer made mention that many of the clients in this program will do something related to skydiving or extreme sports. She told us, between criminal thinking and addictive thinking, there is a lot of adrenaline seeking. And...she has been right. Every single person I have worked with that has done that exercise has said skydiving. Many of us that became addicts, do have a thrill seeking side. In the first year of recovery, nothing feels fun. They brain is trying to figure out what is fun now that the drugs have been taken away. Boredom just feeds on itself and drives people back to use because not doing anything is SO uncomfortable. I don't want to sit here with my thoughts! Nothing is fun.....OMG, if I am going to feel this blah, at least I felt something when I used - good, bad or otherwise. 

I am currently working on a presentation about not only being addicted physically and psychologically to a drug or to alcohol, but also being addicted to the lifestyle that came with it. Many of the clients in the correctional system have gone to extreme lengths to maintain their drug habits. No surprise, there has been dealing, stealing, continued use despite probation restrictions, running away, etc. etc. Especially with dealing, these people were important, needed and had control over others. For those who were stealing got a bigger rush sometimes from doing that than they ever did from the drugs. All addicts become embedded in some type of lifestyle. It can be a criminal lifestyle, a co-dependency lifestyle, or a isolated lifestyle. We become dependent on that lifestyle. I often find myself saying "recovery is easy, you just need to change everything." By everything, we mean everything. Change who you hang out with, change your thinking, change where you are living, change your phone number, change your communication styles, change your job, change your schedule, go do this, go do that, take orders from your sponsor....on and on. That's a tall order. Absolutely doable. Difficult? For sure. Many of us get to a point where we are literally fighting for our lives and are will to do anything to get there. So change we do.

I used to be very popular at my favorite bar. I attended the after bar parties. I used to have a really grandiose view of myself. I acted criminally (drove while intoxicated being the biggest one - just never got caught). Most of us do. But, gosh it was fun. Well, not really, it just seemed like it. I watch people, including myself, struggle with the major shift in life in recovery. I am responsible for my own entertainment. When I did the same thing for 20 years, I had a really hard time thinking out of the box. Was there anything to do in world besides drinking? Sure didn't feel like it. I do like to read and do crafts. It strikes me as funny sometimes.....6 years ago, I would have a hard time envisioning myself spending 2 hours at JoAnn Fabrics going through fleece fabrics for making blankets. It's not the same level of excitement as going to a bar until 4am, but it is the life I lead now. It took me a year or so to get accustomed to a quieter life. Fortunately, after I got sober, I could finally stand myself. I stopping crawling out of my skin all the time. DBT challenged me to find me. I did a lot of working defining my values and priorities. I found out that I am actually a pretty OK person. I like to help others. I found a way to combine crafts and helping others. I connected with others through a bunch of other activities that don't require booze. I can see this now. It can really be a challenge to convince others who are recently sober.

​ When people ask me "why do people go back to using?", there are a lot of different reasons. It takes a long time to change everything and people relapse trying to get the changes right. Relapse is very high in the beginning because boredom can get the best of us. All the excitement seems to be gone. It's hard to see a life that was as exciting as that one. I spend my days trying to remind folks that exciting does not always mean positive. 

Peace all!
Julie