Childless Mothers

As I am getting closer to 40, what remains of my biological clock reminds me that there isn't too many years left to do the whole motherhood thing. There was a time in my life that I thought I wanted at least 5 children. In a weird way, the person I ended up marrying was extremely anti-children and in order not to rock the boat, I went along with it. Given all the issues I experienced with addiction, I am grateful, in a way, that children didn't happen for me. As my ex used to say, you would be a terrible mother. Since he saw me drunk most every day, he was right. 

But, what about now. It took me some time after my divorce to get sober. Once I did, it was a long road to obtain any level of stability that would open the door to welcoming children into the picture. I had a long-term relationship of 5 years in which I thought this might be the person to have that conversation with. Unfortunately, there was too much drama outside of us that continuously affected us. I never did get to be a priority in his life and finally I had to decide whether or not this relationship was even remotely fulfilling anymore. As it turns out, nope, it wasn't.

Dating has not been a great deal of fun for me. In fact, I just left it alone for almost 2 years. My focus has become my career and my recovery. While I love children, I just don't think that they will happen for me. I was having a conversation with another late 30-something about turning 40. What does these mean if we never had kids? Am I less of a woman for it? Unmarried. Childless. Nearly 40. In today's age am I still considered a spinster? The fact that I have 2 cats probably isn't helping much either with the stereotype.

My Facebook feed is awashed with pictures of new mothers, mothers whose children are doing wonderful things, mothers becoming grandmothers. From time to time, I have a pang of jealously, wondering if I tried hard enough, could it still happen for me. In all honesty, though, I am not cut out to be a mother. I listen to my friends talk about the struggles of raising children. Dealing with the hurt and pain of a sick child or issues of bullying at school. While I know their love runs deeper than I probably can feel for their children, I often hear the intense sacrifices given up for them - the sleepless nights, the stomach wrenching worry, etc. I also do see, feel and hear about the unconditional love and joy children can bring as well. 

I have accepted that children are not going to be for me. Around Mother's Day is one of the main times when this subject really starts to eat at me. I start to have the shoulda, woulda, coulda conversation. Had I not gotten so wrapped up in my addiction, it could have happened. If I hadn't stayed in a dead-end relationship for 5 years, it could have happened. If I would get out there and try harder, maybe. In reality though? I hate the shoulda, coulda, woulda. For much of my life in recovery, I have devoted myself to allowing God to take the reigns in my life. Just because I want it, doesn't mean that is what I need or what I get. 

I guess I consider my motherhood to be focused on my recovery. The first few years were tough but as the years move forward, I am amazed at what my recovery has allowed me to do. I am a voice for possibilities. I am a voice for access to treatment. I am an example showing that recovery is possible and it works. I will remain devoted to nurturing my recovery for the benefit of my community. I am an advocate for others. This type of motherhood is extremely rewarding to me. While I may never know the joy of holding my own child, I take deep pride in holding the hands of my fellow brothers and sisters who suffer from addiction. I am considering myself a "non-traditional mother". 

Lest we forget, I also am overly devoted to my cats. My furry babies are also part of my motherhood. We provide each other love and joy every day. Again, not a traditional mother but a worried, obsessive, concerned and in-love person who would do a lot to ensure the comfort and safety of my little beasties. 

For all my friends out there that didn't have the opportunity or didn't desire to have the opportunity to have children, I encourage us to redefine our motherhoods. Many of us have the instincts and might have made excellent mothers in the traditional sense. However, we were called, directed or moved to something different and there is nothing wrong with that. Whatever it is that we chose to take care of, to raise and to nurture is something that we can be very proud of. 

Peace!
​Julie