The Past

I finally got back to church for the first time in a few months. There is something about the place I go -- when I go, it's something really thought provoking and relevant to where I am at in my life. This week, we listened about how the past can be a trap -- both the positive past and the negative past. If we get stuck there, we stop believing that anything can change and there might be a different path for us. I think in my own experience, I know this to be true; however, there is something about hearing it outside of my own head that was quite powerful.

I am a firm believer that the past is something that we cannot get rid of. The past helped to define and shape the people we are today. The past can certainly haunt us, trap us or motivate us. The past serves a purpose in our lives. The fine balance is not to let the past be our present or our future. In AA, we say "We will not regret the past, nor close the door on it." When I read this promise, I knew the promise of happiness could be within my reach if I could somehow tame the past and move forward.

When I started DBT, as well, we talk about about rebuilding our lives and moving on. I knew that I wanted to move on, I just didn't know how. I speak with many others that are trapped by their past and it starts to ruin the present and the future. The mindfulness activities that we did were to help pull us into the present and stay here. Enjoy this moment. No worrying about the future, no reliving the past. Be here, just sit in the moment. It was probably one of the most difficult things I learned to do. I think I miss that the most about my classes with that group. Constantly practicing bringing myself back to the present was probably one of the most relieving things I know how to do.

I started thinking about the process of grief. At the beginning of May was the 25th anniversary of my dad's death. While I was doing some research on grief for a client of mine, I thought about my own experiences with grief. I found this statement about grief to be so true: Read here

Grief is probably, at least in my opinion, one of the most difficult things to get through and leave in the past. It probably took about 10 years for the grief related to my dad's death not to take my breath away when I thought about it. As I achieved things in my life, I wanted him to be there - high school, college, nursing school, my wedding. I just shoved all that grief down and acted like I was stronger than I really was. As I started to get sober, I started to value the time that I had, the opportunities I had to care for him and feel very secure in the knowledge that we are still connected to this day. What I learned from him, I attempt to practice daily and have devoted myself to the same ideals he did.

The next period of grief I experienced was my divorce. My counselor at the time did help me to see that I was, in fact, experiencing grief. A loss of a dream and an ideal. I felt like I had failed on so many different levels and I had let so many people down. I was grieving the place that society holds married couples. I was crippled by this grief and loss for a long time. Like most people, I search to replace the loss with other relationships and other things, alcohol included, for me. The only way to get past the grief and loss for that time period was to drown myself and forget it. Sadly, that was about the time that alcohol stopped working for me. It was making this process a million times more miserable. 

The magic question for many people getting into recovery is "how do I get past this?" What is the magic word or action that a person can do to "move on"? If my life moves forward after the loss of someone or something, will that be disrespectful? I had a journey for myself and now, because of this loss or event, I will never be the same. Who am I now? I wasn't prepared to live this new life like this. I don't know how to move forward.

In the past 5 years, this recovery journey has been focused on how do I move forward now. There are times that I think about the past and wish I was able to change the course. I wished I had followed my instincts back in the day and not made certain choices. When I find myself going there, the first thing I need to do is STOP IT. I can literally drive myself crazy thinking about the what ifs. While it is a hard truth sometimes, there is not a damn thing I can do about it now. The value that the past holds for me now is to take the lessons I learned and decide what kind of future I wanted for my life. As the serenity prayer states: Accept the things I cannot change (the past) and courage to change the things I can (the future).

There is a delicate balance of not denying the past and moving on from the past. I still struggle to do it. In fact, it is one of my relapse trigger warnings for myself. When I start looking back and living in the past, it makes me thirsty. Earlier in my recovery, I found myself fixated on how exciting I thought my life was back then. It was not even a remotely accurate view on things; however, I wanted a reason to go back there because something currently was not working well. I also get fixated on the decisions I made that forever changed the course of my life and the minute I start wishing to make changes to them, I know that I am in some trouble. Fortunately, these days I appreciate my present and hold great excitement about the future. I set out on a mission in my second year of recovery. I want to be an advocate. I want to be a voice about addiction and recovery. Today, more than ever, I feel like I am participating in that dream. Dwelling on the past only distracts me from there here and now where I am actually doing something I find really meaningful.

How did I get past the past? I am not sure where the magic moment happened. I think once I started to value myself as a person, I could see a future. I had been so oriented in the past. When I did my 1st 4th step (a fearless and searching moral inventory), I did feel a sense of relief. Kind of like "There, I said it outloud. I did it, let' move on." I didn't burst into flames. The world didn't self-destruct. (For those who are reading this and know me somewhat, I can be a  bit dramatic so I really thoughts these things were a possibility.) For the first year of recovery, I was spending my time keeping my nose above water. In the 2nd year, I turned my focus to the future and wondered what I could do. Addiction sucked. Recovery was pretty sweet compared to the previous 15 years. Somewhere in that time, I was able to find that balance of saying, this is who I was for all these years. I clawed and scratched my way into recovery. That has value. I have strength. And if I can do it, others can too.  I changed my vision. I finally understood my recovery as a time to redefine myself and my values. I lost so many things in addiction including any sense of self. I know that life became pretty miserable when I didn't know what to do other than circle the drain. Church this week was just a good reminder that I can stay to the vision and keep my eye on a bright future or run to the past and dwell on what could have been. 

Peace all!
​Julie