Confessions of an Addiction Counselor in Recovery

So many of the people I know that are in this field of alcohol and drug counseling are in recovery. I was warned in graduate school that being in recovery in this field can be difficult. For one, we are held to a higher standard than most. I cannot, under any circumstance, falter in my recovery. If I choose to drink, I am done in the field, at least for some time. A part of my mandates as a LADC in Minnesota is two years free of chemical use issues. If I have been diagnosed, which I have been, I have to stay sober or risk not being in the field for a minimum of two years. It certainly answers my question in the morning, "Am I drinking today?" Nope,if I want to keep working!

Beyond that, however, being in recovery in this field has been very eye opening. I have been challenged to manage a boundary between my personal recovery and what I counsel on a professional level. I have to admit, I struggle. I struggle because I know what got me sober. I struggle because I wanted to change and I did so. I struggle because 90% of my clients don't want to change and are not interested in the route my personal recovery took. Again, I was warned about this in graduate school. I am not doing this to be a glorified sponsor to paying clients. I am a clinician that has been hired to present the opportunities recovery has to offer. I am also there to be a support to a client whatever stage of change they might be in. Even it if there is 100% denial and no desire to change, I am still there. I am tasked with finding any form of motivation to resolve what we can during our treatment time together. 

I have not done a very good job of separating my professional career with my personal recovery. I have been challenged to view recovery in so many different ways that are sometimes very non intuitive to my personal beliefs of defined recovery. As a professional, I need to allow many theories, approaches and definitions to mold my treatment of alcohol and drug dependent clients. Inherently, I don't have a problem with that and have been very open minded to thoughts and suggestions of others with experience in the field. However, when I walk through the door at night, I have found it difficult to take off that clinical hat and work my own recovery program. I am constantly thinking about my personal recovery in terms of my professional life. AA worked for me, but I don't recommend it for everyone. Does that make me a faker when it comes to attending a meeting? I believe it for me, but not for some of my clients? Does what I say in my professional life negate my personal recovery? 

I don't believe it does, however, it has made me a little more disengaged from my personal recovery process. I am still working through how these two worlds coexist. For the first several months in the field, I figured I was doing the due diligence of my personal recovery by working the field. I walk and talk recovery all day, so what's the need to go home and so anything beyond that. I think, unfortunately, my recovery definitely suffered for it. I remained abstinent all this time, but have the old "restless, irritable and discontent"-thing going on frequently. I was also warned about not engaging in my personal recovery in grad school as well. Those in recovery in the field are at a much higher risk of burnout and relapse. In my experience, thus far, it's because we are working in the recovery field all day long and one of the last things I want to do at night is to do something else recovery related. Do I ever do anything else besides my recovery? Aren't there are parts of me than just this recovery piece?

When I wanted to study nursing, I wanted to do it because of my desire to help others and to be in a service-oriented profession. I walked in and provided treatments dictated by others and added the compassion I wanted to give while doing my "work". It was a much easier balance to maintain when I was still in nursing in early recovery. I was directed to perform specific care and could put my stamp of compassion and empathy on those marching orders. Alcohol and drug counseling is a far different beast. I am the one in the driver's seat of treatment. I still have the ability to be empathetic and compassionate, however, I find the process to be wholly different. When I was tending to a person's wound, I would be worried about pain and infection. I provided a treatment that would address both. In the chemical dependency world, I am worried about people running away or injuring themselves and others. I need to sit and have an honest conversation about the potential issues I see. While I have the same flexibility to change the course of treatment in both arenas, in chem dep, it's up to me to find a different path - not just report and wait for the updated treatment plan. Additionally, in the nursing world, very few people rejected the course of treatment. It's what the doctor order after all! In the world of chemical dependency, much of what I have to say is rejected and sometimes aggressively so. I am not what the doctor orders, I am the person standing between this person getting their driver's license back.

Quite frankly, it's pretty intimidating to me to have that kind of authority in these situations. I am empathetic and compassionate because I know what it is like to be the throws of addiction. I know what it is like not to have hope. I know what's it's like to not believe that change is possible. I also know that change is possible. I know how I did it. I know what works for me. Just like the medical field, however, what worked for me, might not work for you. A blood pressure medication may work for me but have no effect on you. My chemo treatment might cure my cancer but make no difference in your case. Finding recovery is very similar. My path may not be your path. The danger in being in recovery with my experience in a professional situation is that, really, my recovery path shouldn't and doesn't matter. It's easy to become dependent on my personal experience to counsel professionally. I am not paid to tell you how I did it. I need to work with you to find your recovery path. I need to learn to accept that my definition of recovery may be very different from yours. That doesn't mean that I have to change my personal recovery because of it. 

I have had the opportunity to have several recovery interactions this weekend which is a good thing. I still believe that my Higher Power is running the show here and I was offered the opportunity to speak with both professional colleagues and personal recovery friends. We have all been struggling, is what I gathered. Many people in recovery will tell you that they were on the brink of death when they finally found recovery. Professionally, we see people on the brink of death every day and there is no desire to do anything about it. Personally, I engage with a community that wants change, made change happen and are willing to do what it takes to stay that way. Professionally, I see people who are not ready yet and I need to learn to be okay with that. If I went into addictions counseling thinking that I was going to help everyone, I was wrong. I had a little bit of that hope. What I fail to remember from time to time, is that even if people didn't find recovery while working with me, I have planted seeds. My door is always open. Ready or not, I made an impact in their lives. That has to be enough. I am slowly working on getting there. I cannot take credit for anyone's success because I will need to take the fall for people's non-successes. No one can bear that burden. It's just not realistic in this field to really have that level of affect on the lives of others. I am a guide. No more, no less. Maybe a little piece of me thought I would be more than a guide. However, I need to remember that being a guide is more powerful than it sounds. 

So, personally, my recovery life has a been a little on "hold". I can feel it. I know it. I have made efforts, again, to get back on the right path. I am shaking off the desire to question my personal recovery based on my professional experience. I truly don't care if others find recovery in a different way. In fact, I advocate for people to find a path that is meaningful and gets them to where they want to be. I know what makes my life meaningful and worthwhile. No reason why I can't do what I need to do to meet my recovery goals. 

So, the last statement I will make about this topic - 12th step work (carrying the message to the still suffering alcoholic) is not my professional life. It can't be. I have opted for a career of service to a certain population, providing clinical knowledge (not my personal knowledge). That does not necessarily equate to be doing 12th step work on a daily basis. My 12th step work needs to be something else. That is the way that I will be able to experience the value of that step and not intermingle the work with my professional life. It's time to draw a line in the sand. Work the steps/my recovery outside of the hours of 8-5pm. 

Peace out,
J

---