Chapter 1: Adversity & Opportunity

Since I signed up for Netflix, my poor Nook reader has been all but abandoned. It's important for me to go on vacation every once and awhile so I can grab my Nook again and remember how much fun it is to read. It had been quite some time since I looked at the books I purchased, probably several years ago now. For fun, I was reading "Bossy Pants" by Tina Fey. It's like sitting next to her and having her tell story after story in a way that only Tina Fey really can. 

I paged through the other books in my queue. Apparently, when I was in a purchasing mode, I was quite interested in the "next phase" of recovery. While it sounds cliche, recovery is something a person needs to stay on top of at all times. With any long-term, non-curable disease, making lifestyle changes are for life, not just a little while. It's easy to slip back, stop thinking about, stop working a program. Ever been on a diet? Ever gain any of that weight back? Slipping  back into addiction means losing the peace I fought for and letting anger rule my life. If I ever do get back into physically using again, it will be disaster. I was warned by others who have relapsed after extended sobriety. Things pick up right where you left off back in the day. Addiction behavior progresses much faster and much more dramatically. People also fight with the shame of getting back into recovery. I once saw a speaker that said something to the effect of: Those of you with less than a year of recovery are way more likely to get back into these rooms if you relapse. The longer period of time in recovery with a relapse, the less likely a person is to return to recovery. This is my first time in long term recovery so I can't speak to getting back into the game. When I relapsed in my first year of recovery, my relapses were pretty short and I got back into the game within a week.

Anyway, I started reading one of the books that I purchased a while ago. "Full Recovery: Creating a Personal Action for Life Beyond Sobriety" by Brian McAlister. The author asks the reader to reflect on the lesson of the chapters. I thought it might be sort of fun to so some of the exercises in my blog.  So, welcome to the process of creating a long term action plan for sustained recovery! In general, what I think we miss sometimes in AA/NA is the benefits of recovery. In the meetings I attend, I hear a lot of focus on past behaviors and what the past looked like. There is an insinuation that life now is much better and we are all tremendously grateful for not living like that anymore. We share our war stories. We talk about how low life got. Somehow, we just don't seem to talk a ton about the present. What is our life like now. "It's great!" I don't imagine that answer does much for a newcomer. The 12 steps do talk about a life in recovery for sure. Clean house of our past, help others and be offered the serenity of life without a drink. I learned that more from my readings in early recovery and not so much from meetings. I was grateful for my meetings though, because I got that opportunity to express my grief, frustration, embarrassment and shame of the past. Others would offer me some advice for moving past that - namely - do a Step 4 and 5 which I did. 

In the spirit of AA/NA, following the 12 steps on a daily basis will keep a person sober and naturally offer a person what life is meant to be. I use these principles in my life everyday for sure. The most important piece being step 3. Let Go and Trust my Higher Power. So the 12 steps keeping me moving from day to day. I do, however, like to do some longer range planning. So far, in this book, it looks like I will have the opportunity to look at a little of this. There is a delicate balance between taking action and allowing life to happen. I am interested to see what this author's thoughts are about that.  So, let's get started!!!

CHAPTER 1: Adversity is often an opportunity

1. Discuss how I was able to overcome adversity (doesn't have to be addiction, it can anything): I was actually thinking this morning about my long term struggles with depression. I was out in New York this weekend, feeling so tremendously grateful for not feeling depressed. I was looking at the pictures from the trip. I can tell when I look at pictures how my mood was during that point. I tried on two separate occasions to get off of the medications that I take for depression. Both times, it was clear to me that my mood tanked and I found it hard to get out of bed. I found my thoughts to constantly be in a negative place. I had no tolerance for making mistakes or doing something incorrectly. I can't take criticism. I have officially come to the full and complete understanding that I will need medications to manage my symptoms. Between my DBT skills and my medications, I can overcome a lot of the issues that depression has presented to me. Just like my recovery, I throw everything I can at depression to make sure that I don't succumb to a life overshadowed by a poor mood.

2. One challenge I am currently facing and finding opportunity: I have to admit that I find my career choice to be a challenge. When I first entered treatment, I remember others talking about wanting to become a substance abuse counselor down the road. I remember tilting my head in an extremely judgemental way thinking "Seriously? Hell no. Not for me." A couple of years into recovery, my thoughts on that did change and here I am today. I find my career to be very challenging. Interesting, I got my first annual review at work and it was quite positive about my abilities. It was nice to hear because I have pretty much felt like I am floating on a boat in the middle of the ocean since I started interning. I know what I personally know about recovery, but there is so much more about working with others with their recovery. Not every counselor is in recovery and a person in the field doesn't need to me. That is because we are clinicians. I struggle with not injecting my personal recovery into everything I do. It's separate. So, how is this an opportunity? In a bizarre way, it has directed me back into my own recovery. Getting into recovery as a profession is making me want to understand my own recovery that much more. It also makes me want to research all the recovery possibilities out there. What I do know about addiction is that addiction sucks. The lifestyle sucks, the decision making sucks, the terror it causes sucks, etc. etc. I am learning that it is OK for me to do whatever I need to do with my own recovery. If I go in a totally different direction alongside someone else, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I don't need to question my own recovery for it. It's like looking at the freeway system. If we all need to get to downtown, there are at least 20 different ways to get there. Some ways get you there faster. Some roads have construction. I take the road I take because I know it. You take the road you take because you need to get there from the other side of town. Why drive to my side of town to take my road, only to loop back to the original destination?

3. Undisciplined behaviors I would like to change: I have to be really honest on this one: eating. Aging probably doesn't help the metabolism much anyway; however, in my recovery, I think all the sugar and carb cravings have gotten the better of me. I have been pretty unhappy about my weight for some time now. I look in the mirror and ask myself "if you don't like, do something about it." There is always an excuse. "Too tired", "have to work", "maybe I will be fine living this way." Sadly, I have been on enough diets to know exactly how it works: Calories in need to be less than calories going out. If it is so easy, why is it so hard!!??? I will be honest in say that I have thought about going back to drinking to lose weight. The reason I lost so much weight while I was drinking was because I didn't eat for days at a time and I was a floor nurse, walking about 6 miles a day. Now I am a desk jockey and I have more than 3 meals a day. I need to get this figured out. It's a goal of mine. I will be turning 40 next year and I want to be like so many of my friends who welcomed 40 with great health. 

4. Write down at least one thing you experienced today for which you are grateful: Ahhh...the bedrock of my sobriety - the gratitude list. One thing I experienced today, just a few hours ago actually, was a phone call I have been waiting for since last week. I was awaiting a decision about my participation in a court proceeding. I don't have to participate. For that, I am truly grateful. Additional gratitude is related to an amazing trip out east. I have a dear, dear friend NH in New York. It was a weekend full of laughs and sights and culture. We had good food, good company and yes, a crap ton of snow. In this book it states" Gratitude helps you to understand what you want, what you enjoy, and what brings you true contentment. I clearly understand how important my friends are to me and how much laughter and joy lights up my world.

So that completes exercise one. If you are in recovery or not, I always recommend a gratitude list. Many times when I am having trouble falling asleep, I recite 10 things I am grateful for. By the time I reach 7-8 I am really getting tired and often times don't remember getting to 10. It clears my mind and also relaxes my body and mind. A quick reminder to myself that all my stressors will still be there tomorrow. For now, it's just a few minutes to remind myself how really great life is anyway. Here you go if you need inspiration:

1. Always so grateful to my amazing family
​2. Always grateful for my amazing friends
3. Grateful for my niece and nephew who are always a wealth of laughter and joy
4. I am grateful for the educational opportunities I have had
5. I am grateful for these smelly, crazy, fur-shedding beasts (cats) who cuddle with me at night
6. I am grateful for all the opportunities for work even if they didn't work out in the long run
7. I am grateful for my continued sobriety
8. I am grateful for reliable transportation
9. I am grateful for the seasons of the year
10. I am grateful for my Pinterest (sounds lame, but I love crafts and I have found at least 200 things I am capable of doing!!!)

Lots of love peeps,
​J

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