I have started a few blog entries over the past several weeks. While the content was relevant, I could tell that my passion was not there. I was simply writing and saying things for the sake of posting something. I know that is not my best writing and those who have followed me on this journey deserve a bit more. 

I met with my therapist last week. Seriously, people, if you don't have one, get one! I appreciate his willingness to challenge my thinking. This last week he said something I really wasn't expecting. "That is really rigid thinking." Whoa, what, wait, huh? I have spent the larger part of this recovery journey trying NOT to be rigid. I know I need to live in the gray and the world is not black and white. But alas, he was right. I have gone the path of rigid, concrete, all or nothing thinking. And it's dangerous for me. I can become very obstinate when I get stuck in these patterns of thinking. I am more on edge. I am less happy. In the world of AA, I am in a spot of "irritable, restless and discontent." Just bare in mind, that does not mean my life is falling apart. It's not. I have had some amazing experiences in the last six months and pretty much every day that I woke up and chose to be sober. What I am feeling is that something is missing.

I prayed last night. I pray in short bursts usually - here is my gratitude list for the day. Here are some of the things I need help with in my day to day life. As I was praying last night, I asked about my faith and a rather lengthy talk about how I have been feeling as of late. I know what I believe. Much like recovery, my faith is my journey and I am not willing to compromise much. I adore having discussions and civil discourse about aspects of faith with others. There is always the benefit of other perspectives. Last year at this time, I was feeling inspired and motivated. Since last fall, that has faded/disappeared. A piece of me is no longer being fed. I appreciate God stepping in last night and helping me realize what is going on. I miss my church.

In 2014, I had the opportunity through a wonderful friend to attend a new church. I fell in love with it. I felt motivated. I felt empowered. I actually wanted to go back to church for the first time since I was a kid. I have struggled through the years to find a place that felt accepting and non-judgemental. I wanted to hear about what I could do to make the world a better place instead of focusing on the myriad of ways I sin and what the highway to hell looks like. I found it there. I felt God. I felt callings to do the next right thing, not to mention the motivation - something I have truly lacked in the past 6 months. I felt fulfilled in my spirituality and in the expression thereof. If you have read my blogs over the years, my recovery turned to the spiritual journey focus around 2014. I knew what I believed, I just didn't know how to express it in a way that made me feel whole.

In late 2018, I left my church. I am not going to get into the details other than to state, I was made aware of some core beliefs of the church I was not previously aware of. I could not reconcile these beliefs with what I had experienced in the sermons. I believe they will continue to be a very successful congregation and do good work. I believe their faith is authentic. I, however, could not stand as a member of the church and state that I believed in some of those core principles the vision of the church is based upon. I was working to start an addiction/recovery group there when I left. I was made aware during that process that I would not be able to participate in leading a group because of my choices in life. I failed to meet a moral standard required to lead a small group. I have a core set of beliefs too and these principles were in direct conflict with mine. I had felt a calling to do start this group and as I was moving forward in the process, not only did my dream of having a group fall apart, I lost my church. I was devastated at the result. 

Initially, I tried to tell myself that when a door closes, another one opens. Without being 100% aware, I have been wandering around since last fall trying to find another door. I need to feel inspired. I need to be around other people who want to make the world a better place. I need to be alive spiritually to feel like I am living my life purposefully. Honestly, I haven't put a ton of effort into seeking out a new church. I have become rigid because I am hurt. I feel like the rug got pulled out from underneath me and I was/am sad about it. When my heart hurts, I am very likely not to engage in anything remotely close to what I experienced that caused the heartache. This is no different. In order to "protect" myself, I convinced myself that I don't need church or need to express my spirituality in that way. Without that weekly experience, though, I have felt lost, disconnected and unmotivated to do much of anything. I think my work has suffered for it. I think my heart has suffered for it. I think my general well-being has suffered for it.

I am cautious, however, in my pursuit. My faith and recovery are very intertwined. One of first recovery tattoos was "Only God will". Most people don't really understand what I had intended with that tattoo. "Only God will, what?" is the question I get. Well, to me, it means, only God will save me. Only God will keep me sober. Only God will protect me. Only God will know my path. Only God will.....everything. God had an intervention with me at 2:48am on 02/08/2010. I had been drinking all night, over a liter of hard liquor over about 6 hours. I was crying on floor of my second bedroom in my condo in South Minneapolis. At that moment, I looked at my computer clock and I became stone cold sober for 5 minutes. "I need treatment." I said it outloud when 15 minutes prior to that I was thinking of ways to end it all. I called my mom who God kept safe as she drove through a snowstorm to get me admitted into detox. The doctor in detox pushed me to the top the list and got me a direct transfer to treatment even though 3 other people were ahead of me. I asserted my will after all of that and God doubled down and reminded me "you asked for this, now get in there and do this already!" Here's a three year monitoring program for nurses. I believe God knew that I could not live with myself if I couldn't work or if I had caused a death. I was running out of chances to not get arrested. My health was starting to fail. I didn't have much time. Only God will.....save me.

That is how powerful my God is to me. I have lost that connection with God as of recent. Praying does some for that connection. I, personally, need more. I need someway to connect, be mindful and focused.It like dating in a way. I just have to get out there and find the right place for me. I know it is out there and I am finding it harder to move past this discontentment without it. 

I don't tend to talk faith and church much. I suppose on some level we are conditioned not to talk about it since faith is something people will fight to the death about. It's a "taboo" topic of sorts. I am not one to tell people what they should or shouldn't do. I am not one to tell people how to connect with their Higher Power. I am never offended when people share that their God is not the exact same as my God. From a 30,000 foot view, most religions/churches are looking to do the next right thing. The interpretations tend to be very different but I choose to respect how people connect with something meaningful to them. I may not agree, but I can respect it. That is how I feel about my former church. I respect that they feel the way they do about their beliefs. I respectfully disagree and did what I felt was just to honor my own faith journey and remain authentic to myself. I do miss them tremendously and I miss the feeling I used to experience while I was there. 

So, the next month will be tough in terms of seeking out a new way to exercise my spirituality. The weekends are getting jam packed. However, now that I figure out what is maybe going on here, I need to make this a priority. I need this connection and way to express myself. And, since it is so important to me, I need to make sure that I am authentic in that practice and choose wisely to avoid this kind of conflict in the future. 

Julie

2019 has been this oddly chaotic year so far in ways that I was not expecting. In January, I fell in the parking lot at work while on my way to lunch and sustained a pretty decent concussion that left me out of work for a week. (I should probably start bringing my lunch to work.) In February, I took a shot in the dark and applied for a position that I was so sure that I wasn't going to get. Ultimately I got the interview and it started me down a path of thinking that I needed to leave my current job. In March, I developed an skin infection on my chest that has been a fight to get under control - several rounds of hardcore antibiotics that lead to GI issues, of course. While fighting this infection, I interviewed at a total of 9 different facilities and had offers from 7. The position I really wanted an offer from, I did not get which was OK. By the time I found out I didn't get it, I had declined all of the other offers and decided to stay. In April, I am continuing to get this infection healed, spending time with my family and settling into some new assignments at work. 

When I interviewed back in 2014 for my current position, the administrator told me as he was walking me back to the interview room "if you don't like change, this is not the place to work." He was very correct about the level of change in my position. I have been a part of 5 different positions in the 4.5 years I have been here. I have worked with so many different types of people that I could not have anticipated when I first started. I have watched the laws change in WI governing our practice. I have seen coworkers come and go. I almost made the ultimate change by leaving. When I was talking about my current position during interview,s it dawned on me how lucky I have been to have so many different opportunities within this one position. I need to have a lot of variety. None of the other positions I interview with other than 1 offered me anything close to what I have now. While it was negative emotions that got me to move to start interviewing, I am grateful for having done it because I learned a lot in the process. 

In my last entry, I made a comment about having tried to jam my personal life with work and hoping for something about my restlessness to do something bigger or better would change. I like having little breakthroughs when I am writing my blog; that is part of the reason that I like writing. I don't always have a huge intention when I sit down to write so I am equally as surprised by the total entry. I have been thinking about what my personal life needs to look like to make my happiness increase. Others in my life have encouraged me to just open myself up for anything and see what happens. At the rate that things change in my life, I should probably just give it a try and see what happens! I just don't particularly like giving up that level of control. What I have learned in my years of recovery, though, is that if my mind is too busy and too loud, I will miss what the universe is trying to tell me. It's like having a one sided conversation with God, talking the entire time and then getting mad when there is no response. I'm not listening.

I have been here before. There is a great AA saying I heard a lot in my early days in recovery. "I don't like change and I don't like the way things are." Well, as with most things in life, it comes back to me and what I am willing to do. I cannot think of any good reason why I wouldn't put myself out there and see what happens. I think if I were able to open up myself to something different, I might find something that I didn't know I was even looking for. The first part of the year has offered some unique opportunities and interactions that I was not seeking. I hadn't intended to look for a new job this year. It was a good experience. I lost my teaching job which sucked but it gave me my Mondays back to do some things that were fun for me. I took a chance on these diamond painting things as a craft project and I loved it!! Why not try new things? Why not take a chance? Why not open myself up for something different? Well, fear is a big thing; however, I am feeling less motivated by that these days. So, here is my message to the universe right now: "Whatcha got for me? I am ready for something different." And by different, not my job. I figured out that wasn't the right change. So, what will May bring?

I hope everyone is having a great weekend. We in MN survived another April blizzard. It was a little frustrating because it was 60 degrees 3 days previously. However, like this blog says, life moves on.

​Julie

nI had the honor of meeting another woman in recovery through a mutual contact not too long ago. She is so very kind and texts a motivational saying to a group of women in recovery. This one came across my phone a little while back and it got me thinking. I completely agree, I was not created to suffer. What defines victory? How do I define worth or quality of life?

Being a nurse for as long as I have been, I have thrown around the concept of "quality of life." When I worked in hospice, my "job" as it were was to create comfort and dignity in the final months, days and hours of someone's life. My goal was for them to be at peace, free of pain. I took great pride in my work in that area. The hard part, though, is when I was working in that area of medicine, I was honestly feeling jealous of my patients. Deep down as the darkness of addiction grew in my life, I was battling to find any hope of getting away from it. I had determined at that time that there was no way. I was dying too. I wanted the same dignity I was trying to provide to my patients. I was also suffering from a lot of suicidal ideation (think about dying but not actually planning to act on those thoughts) at that time. I wanted life to end especially in the way that I was experiencing it.

It is clear that my quality of life was totally diminished during my active addiction years. The quality of my life has increased exponentially since getting sober. What I have learned about myself these days is that I need to be on the constant path of something new to remain excited about life. I was excited about recovery for about 2 years. I was then super excited about getting my masters degree and spread recovery across the land. I was then excited about my TedX talk. Then I was excited about my new job. That was four years ago. 

There is a distinct difference, for me anyway, between depression and feeling lost. I quit drinking 3155 days ago today. In those 3155 days, I have learned more about myself than I ever could have dreamed. I knew that I was capable of certain things. I had the opportunity to many things that I never could have done without being sober. I am a pretty awesome aunt and I would have so many regrets if I didn't have each and every memory of them I do today because of being sober. I also learned, partially, about what makes me tick. I have a longing and a yearning always inside my heart. What's next? Should I be doing something different? What's the purpose in all of this?

I am a huge purpose person. The darkness of my years in active addiction HAD to have some purpose to me. If I couldn't "do" something with those experiences, I don't think I could survive. Those years were painful. The loneliness and emptiness I felt in those years can not be adequately explained by the vocabulary I currently have. What I do know now is that every time I talk about recovery, the recovery skills I know and what I experienced in those years helps someone else. That experience allowed me to connect with others. I especially felt this when I was working with the women at the jail. I feel their pain, I know their pain. I can offer maybe a glimmer of hope that something different is possible. 

So, as I sought purpose in my early recovery years, I went right where a lot of people end up: Substance Abuse Counselors. At the time, I was apply around for several different masters program. I actually studied and took the GRE. I started studying for the GMAT. I found programs in business and health administration that didn't require those tests. I went to open houses. When it came to the actual applications for MBA programs, MPH programs and MS programs, I just could not answer the question about why I was thinking about going into this field. Money I guess. More employment opportunities. I could move up into the world of supervision, administration, etc. The essays did not feel authentic. Well, when it came to answering the question about why I was applying to do a masters program in addictions counseling, I filled up 2 pages before I even noticed that I was well beyond the word limit of the essay.

I reflect on this decision now and I understand why I did what I did. I was finding purpose. It felt like a calling. Now, I am still feeling a calling. I just cannot quite figure out what the next step. I have looked at PhD programs and know that more schooling is not the right thing. I am still tired from school from the last round and that was five years ago. I tend to live for "the next big thing". That part of me has not been satisfied for quite some time. I still haven't figured out what I need to quiet that down. I did start teaching and was able to teach for several semester before the school shut down which was heartbreaking. Teaching felt very natural and again, all of those years of going through hell to be the nurse I am today served a purpose. I was quite sad when the school closed as I don't see that opportunity coming around again any time soon.

I still work transplant nursing. Quite honestly, I love it. I just cannot do it full time because it is physically and emotionally exhausting. The types of shifts we work are 12, 24 or 48 hour shifts. If it's a busy day - NO SLEEP! I am no longer able to bounce back from that like I did in my early 30s. So, I take a shift every so often to keep my thrill seeking side quiet. I get a rush from doing the job so that serves as a victory in my life. In the past year, it became also the spot I liked to return to because I felt competent. I am responsible for a lot and I clearly know my stuff. I work well with the  staff and there is a ton of mutual respect. In fact, I talked with them about coming back full time while I was interviewing around. I opted not to go that route although several of my team members were excited about the idea.

So, back to the original thought behind this post. What is victory/purpose in my life? There is so much in my life that is amazing. I have a great family. I have a great job with great benefits. I have a part-time job that satisfied a part of my soul that was often a dangerous part of me when I was active with addiction. What is my life missing that keeps me so restless about the next thing? I wonder at times if I am not living in the moment and really grasping the full extent of how my needs already being met. I believe this to be the next phase of my recovery. What is the purpose going forward? Part of the answer that comes to mind is leaving the field of counseling. It's an idea that I have toyed with from the first job I got in the field. Honestly? I told myself if it didn't work on where I currently am, I would leave the field. This is about as good as it ever is going to get so if I don't like it here, I don't like working in the field. 

Part of me think that I am seeking my victory/purpose/worth in the wrong spot. Why does it have to be related to my career? I had always been obsessed with my career. Even at my 5 year reunion from high school, I made myself sound very important when I was working for a telecommunications company. "I am a logistics coordinator." Basically I sat around and earned too much money to do very little work. In hindsight, I had it pretty good but I was more concerned about the title and portraying I had power there. I have been down this rabbit hole before and I never did find what I was looking for. I get an instant nod of respect from people when I say I am a nurse. I get some kudos for working in the field of substance abuse. People respect the patience and empathy we show to clients that can be hard to work with because of what they are experiencing. I have had a lot of success in my career and something remains missing.

That leaves my personal life. I am generally pretty happy in my personal life. I know tons of wonderful people and am very busy keeping up with all those amazing people in my life. My favorite thing is taking my niece and nephew out to explore the world. I do get great satisfaction when I am crafting with my niece or watching the excitement when my nephew is doing something with Minecraft. For the past 2 years, I have been crowding my personal life with more work and that did not seem to quiet down the restlessness. I hope to be able to use some recovery principles to be able to identify what I am missing in my life. Writing and speaking are areas that have fallen to the side. Now that I am back to just 2 jobs, I hope to reconnect with these more to see what I am might be missing.

Peace!
J

pFear has played a bizarre role in my life. As I was talking with a friend today, I am conflicted about the nature of its role. On one hand, fear serves a purpose. On the basic level of life, fear is there to help us identify when a situation is dangerous and when to get out. I would have to argue that is a pretty good instinct to have as it has kept us alive for several thousand years. Fear is a natural part of life; however, my struggle is when fear turns to anxiety.

"Fight or Flight" has mainly what this instinct is referred to. In the past few years, "freeze" has been added. "Fight, Flight or Freeze" does seem more accurate to me. Adding "freeze" offers a little insight to what it is like to have anxiety. If I am anxious about being wrong, I will engage in the fight. That is when I usually get into the most trouble with my mouth. I will fight to the death even if I no longer believe in my own stance since being right is apparently very important to me. The flight response is most commonly experienced for me when someone says "we need to talk." Oh my word, I hate running, but I am fast as the breeze. I will run, hide and avoid to the ends of the earth. The fear of the worse keeps me from facing potentially difficult conversations. Freeze is how I would say I feel when I am in a panic about what to do. I freeze, become speechless and wait for flight or fight to kick in. 

When I was contemplating the idea of getting sober, I can tell you the number one reason I didn't want to change was the fear of what life was going to be like without alcohol. I was terrified I would be alone. I was fearful that my family would be terribly disappointed in me. I was very fearful of actually saying "I am an alcoholic". I mean, do you know what that means? It means I am weak, I lost control, I can figure out how to live. I may actually have to confront my feelings and deal with life. So, in 2009, I decided I was OK to continue on like I had been. I mean, after all, was it really so bad?

The nursing work that I was doing in 2009 was like a dream come true. One of the motivators to seek treatment for the first time in 2010 was the fear that I was going to lose this job. I wasn't able to get through the 24 hours of call from home every other Sunday without drinking. I was showing up to work on days that I didn't work because I was confused about what day it was. I feared that my coworkers would soon figure out that something was really wrong with me. Historically, when management confronted my drinking or concerns about my drinking, I would get a new job. The jobs were aplenty in long-term care. I could bounce from place to place which was not terribly uncommon in that field. I could easily explain away my job hopping (benefits, pay, hours, etc). All my excuses were reasonable. I wanted to keep this job because I was so incredibly proud of being part of this team. 

When I was stumbling around after I got out of treatment, I was scared about both being drunk and being sober. What weird spot to be in. On one hand, if I don't stay sober, I will be joining my patients on the liver transplant list or I get sober and hate life. When I finally hit my rock bottom (which was relatively soft all things considered) I entered the health professionals monitoring program. Now I something new to fear. Get sober or lose your license to practice. OK! I am totally motivated to get sober, let's do this thing. 

I feared everything in my first year of recovery. I feared who I was and whether I would like that person. I feared the relationship I was in would not survive (and it did not). I wondered what happens if I get to the 9th step of AA and have to apologize. What would happen in my life now that I wasn't drinking? My anxiety was very high for that first year and much of it was driven by fear. In the second year, I started to calm down, I was starting to see the value in my life and what I could do if I choose to remain sober. I had structure around me to basically take my drinking off of the table as even a choice. I wanted to be a nurse so there was no going back while I was in this program. Wow! I found purpose, let's go back to school and become an alcohol and drug counselor. 

As my life moved on from the monitoring program after three years, I was now holding myself accountable by wanting to become a counselor. My sobriety got shaky now and again because I really felt like I made the wrong decision about half way through. I was not ready in terms of my personal recovery to have gone into this field. If anyone asks me today what I think about going into the field, I would recommend at least 5 years of recovery before even thinking about it. I had been drunk for 15 years straight. I thought jumping in after 2 years of recovery would be a enough time to sort through what life is like sober. Even more so, I was ready to teach others. It was not time sober and my mental health of everything suffered the most. I feared my choices, I feared I was going to lose my recovery, I feared I had just wasted 3 years of time and money.

I am still in the field 5 years later. The fears that I experience today are more interesting to me. I am good at what I do in terms of counseling although I still do have some buyer's remorse from going this route. What keeps me from falling into that rut is the fact that I really love my co-workers, they are like family to me. I do know that I am making a difference even if I am not seeing most of my folks change. I have been working to put my expectations in the right place. I was celebrate the successes, but not as my own. I will be sad at the failures and again not as my own. I am working hard to keep that perspective because otherwise my burnout would have happened after my first 2 months in the field.

My anxiety has been out of control for about the last six months. It's all situational in nature and fortunately, I have an excellent therapist who is helping me to see what is mine and what is not. I know that principle well, but when I become fearful and anxiousness, I cannot see or engage in reason. I need that outside voice to get me out of the rafters of my own anxiety. I was in a place in my career that was very difficult to navigate. I have said in this blog on several occasions that one of my least favorite personality traits is the ability to play both sides of the fence. I become lost in the game of playing both sides that I can no longer figure out what I actually believe. It's confusing and most of all, exhausting. I was accessing this personality trait on a near daily basis for the past 6 months. It caused such frustration that I often allowed it to overflow into outright anger. Anger and I do not make good bed fellows. 

I completed my fourth year at my job in January. I have not stayed consistently employed full time with any employer beyond three years. While I am still with the transplant center and will be celebrating 10 years this summer, I stopped full time employment after three years. I tend to get restless after about two years and have never really experienced the benefits of staying with an employer for the long-term. Alas, I became so frustrated and so fearful of even walking through the doors at work, I started to interview around. Although I made the decision to stay, I learned something very valuable in the process. I had lost my confidence in the past six months. I lost my decisiveness. I lost the ability to make a decision and when I did I would spend hours thinking about whether or not I did the right thing. I was going to answer for it one way or another. I had to start facing some of my fears in this too. I hate being wrong, I mean REALLY hate being wrong. I also despise being in trouble. I am not perfect and I make mistakes. What I fear most is losing my credibility or losing my trust of another person. I fear that they will be mad at me forever and never forget what I did  no matter how small. Oddly, I have had a lot of interactions where this is true; however, I am unable to let it go and fight to the death to make sure I am never in trouble again.

When I started the interview process, I could see how valuable my experience has been from my current employment. Two of the employers made a purpose to state that I was management material if I choose to work with them. My confidence started to build again. As I was interviewing though, my anxiety heightened even more. If I leave, will my work family talk to me ever again? What will life be like after I give my notice? If I leave here, will any other place is that much different or that much better? I would lay in bed and just pray.....whatever will be will be. Well, that is what happened. The parts of my position that had become so overwhelming, borderline traumatic for me were suddenly gone. I have no idea why this changed. A few weeks prior, I was told, "You need to figure out how to push through." I tried to articulate myself professionally to express my desire to change my position. I tried the no-so-professional routes which almost resulted in me getting written up (got a pretty strong verbal warning). I tried to be active, I tried to not say anything. I tried to be hopeful and positive. None of it was right. It was all wrong. 

I have not asked about what changed that I was suddenly assigned a different job. Honestly, I was relieved but I had also wondered if I was asked to leave the position. I don't know. All I know right now is that I haven't been on the verge of a panic attack for the past week. I am sleeping better again. I feel solid in my decision to stay put. I feel like I can manage. 

So, the fear that I was talking with my friend about today was in regards to when this feeling ends. A weight has been lifted off of my shoulders now and I am feeling really happy about that. There are new weights out there that will come. I really want to have a plan in how I will deal with difficult situations in the future. When I get stressed or upset, especially in the work environment, my flight mechanism gets set on overdrive and I will make move to get out. That is not feeling good anymore. I really wanted to make sure that if I was leaving my current position, I wasn't doing so because of an emotional flight response. I also did not want to not leave because of the potential disappointment/anger of others. It's been an emotional couple of weeks here. Felt like a good time to get back to writing again.

Fear has been a motivator for me ever since I can remember. I have some work to do in this area because I remain driven by fear. It is not the fear that is helpful in keeping me out of trouble. It is the fear that makes me not want to go to work. It is the type of fear that keeps me from doing what I really want to do. Most importantly, it is the type of fear that exhausts me because there is so little I can actually do to address the situation I have created out of fear. The goal will be to release this type of fear and to give it over. I am feeling annoyed with being driven by fear and not going after what I need/want for myself.

So, I hope to get back to more writing soon. As always, I got stuff to say, ya know!!?? 

Peace!
​J

One of the most common questions I get from my clients is "How do you..[insert issue here]?" How do you stop thinking about drugs? How do you stop making bad decisions? How do you "get over" depression? How do you stay sober? The answer to these questions completely vary by person. What strengths does this person already have to address their own issues? What areas need to be build upon to make and sustain change? The short of it is....I don't know. I also want them to figure out what they need and what they need to be successful for them. I did things my way; that doesn't always mean it will work for someone else.

I went to see my therapist today. He is awesome because he is challenging me to get beyond my own "How do you...." issues in my life these days. As I was telling him about a situation in which I kinda lost it at work, my "how do you..." was this: How do I get over myself? I feel misunderstood a lot and I don't know that others know this. They will get a pretty severe reaction from me and my lovely addiction side rears its ugly head. Black & white thinking. Digging a trench and defending a position that is no longer correct just because it's what I thought going in to the conversation. Rejecting feedback because it's not my point of view. By the way, I am firm believer that every good counselor/therapist has a good therapist. Just because I work in the field doesn't mean I don't have a whole lot of my own stuff to deal with in life!

I am surprised at how easily threatened I feel by feedback. There are people in my life I will regularly accept feedback from and basically not raise an eyebrow. My mom, my sister and a few close friends. I often elicit feedback from them because I trust their perspective and will take it all into consideration. These same folks have also watched me blow off reasonable advice. Most of the time, I will come around after I forged ahead with my seemingly brilliant plan and watch it fall apart like they told me it might. When it comes to the greater world out there, I feel misunderstood. I feel threatened. When I get mad, I either get silent or very vocal. Very vocal can be dangerous since I don't have a very big speed bump between my thoughts and my mouth.

A few months ago, my supervisor told me that she knows when I am not in a good place with feedback. I will tilt my head forward and look up with a "what hell are you talking about" look. I will remain silent. She told me initially, she would try to provide more reasoning for the feedback which caused me to directly change the subject. A few days later, I would be find and often had a moment to think about it and ultimately would agree. Now, she lets me have that day or two to process and her supervision of me has become much easier. I am less avoidant. I will come back and ask more questions. I will have reasonable conversation about the feedback or direction. I know I am like that. I have had open conversations with others about my tendency to do this. In the moment, I am truly feeling maligned and I want you to shut up. I don't want to talk about it. Leave me alone. I know this is not the most professional thing. It is something I am working on. My therapist gets the fun job of watching this happen when he is challenging my thinking process. My question "how do you feel less attacked when people are providing feedback?" Like me, he gave me no answer just some things to think about.

I have been getting a lot of messaging over the past year and a half about my tendency to get in my own way. Today, during this rather intense session, it became clear to me -- this is it. I am so terrified of someone disagreeing with me or misunderstanding me that I won't take the next steps to do what I really want to do. I am ready, willing and able to share everything about my experience with addiction because it is my story. You can disagree with me all you want, I know what I went through so I won't take feedback about that. I got here because of what I choose to do. You can disagree with me about those choices, I will stand right up and show you that I got here. So, I have the confidence about that. I have a relatively thick skin when it comes to my nursing. I generally know when I am right. I also know that I don't know everything. I can get requests to do things differently and I may not like it, but I will do it for the greater good. 

Now comes the personal recovery vs professional development. Ugh. This is a tough one. I feel defensive for my clients. I feel aggressive about the way that I engage my clients because I believe what I am doing works. I am a manipulator by trade.....I am using my powers for good and not evil. I feel that I know how my clients are feeling and when someone steps into our alliance, I am aggressive. Not assertive. Aggressive. It has only bitten me in the butt a few times because, in general, I have learned to keep silent until I have a second to process the feedback. I have, at least, figured out to do that so I don't get myself fired. Of the 2 times I have been written up in my career as a nurse, it was for insubordination. Both times, I was right (at least from my vantage point) and I hung one of those write ups on my refrigerator for well over a year. I was kinda proud that I stood up for myself. I didn't do it very well, per se, swearing at administrators is not a reasonable response. And, some things changed after I said what I did.

I have watched my addict side pop up more this year than in any other year since I got sober. I have dug deep trenches, poured concrete in them and jumped in waiting for the concrete to dry. I am not budging. Say what you will, I am not moving. Nope, keep trying. I feel that my art as a counselor is sometimes attacked. Now, I know that I have a lot to learn and I don't know it all. It's not that, it's about approach with me. The approach though, isn't totally reasonable for me to expect from anyone. I am just not sure how to change my initial reaction which is, at times, unreasonable. When I respect someone, when I have learned from them in the past, I will readily listen and engage. When I am part of unfamiliar teams where I am the only one representing my position, I feel attacked. "Why don't you...do this?" "You need to do this...." I immediately go on the offensive and attempt to brow beat them until they either agree with me or back off. That is the purpose of aggressive communication. It works and it's not the way to go. I know that. I got some work to do.

At the end of the session, my therapist told me "you would have made a great lawyer. You can justify just about anything and stay completely dedicated to an ideal even if it's wrong." I chuckled at that. I thought on the way home that I would have also made a great lawyer because I have an amazing ability to play both sides of the fence. Annoyingly, to me anyway, I don't like this particular personality trait. I spent so many years telling everyone what I thought they wanted to hear that I no longer had a clue what I even really believed. I held on so tightly to my career because at least that was something. I had limited insights into my own value system and what was important to me. Now, the pendulum swung the other way and really far the other way. I believe in something. I value something. I like what I am doing, saying or implementing. Any divergence from that is threatening to me. I am in the corner now. I will lash out, become aggressive or walk away in disgust. I am going to get my way, hell or high water. My goal is to get into a place where I am more balanced.

Black and white thinking is almost a given with any substance use person. It's all or nothing. My way or the highway. Get with me or go away. I worked a lot in my recovery to get out of this space and "live in the gray" as my previous therapist told me I needed to. I can do that in several areas of my life, just not my professional one which is where I need to the most! Balance hasn't been my strong suit in life. I work three jobs right now. It's 100mph until I run out of energy and crash. There is a balance out there. I just can't quite see what that looks like. Looks like my therapy is not yet done. 

In short, new year resolution for the year.....don't swear at administration, learn some balanced thinking and access the patience I have deep in my soul to allow things to evolve the way that they need to.

Hugs!
​Julie

Happy Holidays! I have so many wonderful family and friends that have taken the time to send me cards and updates. I am taking the easy way out here and writing a blog about the year in review for me! Thank you for your understanding :)

In January, I started the year off with a cruise to Mexico with a fabulous coworker and friend. We laughed, relaxed and had some fun!

My job changed this year. After serving on the St. Croix County Treatment Court team and being in the St. Croix County jail providing substance use counseling, I moved over to a new program that is looking to integrate substance use counseling into family systems therapy. It has been a challenge and we are still navigating our way through new waters. I joined the access team which is responsible to triage to our clients and crisis interventions. I have adored this new position and am learning a lot. I really miss the jail and the treatment team. I have been welcomed into two new teams which makes the transition a but easier.

I have had an eventful year with purchasing my first home! I have been loving all the opportunities to make this place my own. I have the most amazing neighbors with whom I am now part of a monthly game night. They supported me as I tended to a broken foot over the summer and have helped me to navigate the association and when to take out my garbage :) I have done a lot of updates and love my new place!

My favorite little people are doing awesome. Being an aunt is still my most favorite "job" out there. We hit the fair again this year! Friends from New York also enjoyed the Great MN Get-Together. I had such a blast this year. We will have so many memories to look back on. August, 10 was into the educational portion of the Fair this year while Clara, 7 rode just about every ride and won a lot of games. Norm & John took in the amazing culture we have to offer here in MN. 

Daisy & Duke are now 11. They survived the move well and are all settled into the new place. Daisy has been sick in the later part of this year. She seems to be on the mend. Duke is still a bit chunky and that is really my fault - can't say "no" to treats!! 

Thank you to all those who have been reaching out to me over the year! It is so fun to see and hear where people are at and how the world is treating them. 

Wishing you and yours all the best during this holiday season! May 2019 offer you the best!

​Julie

Since 2014, I feel like a lot of my recovery journey has been about my spiritual experience and needs. There have been some great successes in my search and also some unexpected challenges as I search for this most critical part of my recovery. I had a recent experience in this journey that has set me back some. Some of my best writing tends to come in these moments of confusion so here I am back writing again. 

Many people have told me over the years that the "God" thing of AA is what kept them away or caused them to walk away from AA. I was fortunately in that I had a strong sponsor who really put this whole "God thing" into context. The founders of AA had what they referred to as a spiritual awakening. That spiritual awakening can take so many different forms and can happen for each person in a totally different manner. My understanding is that the "God" of AA can be equally as diverse. If you read through the steps of AA/NA that have "God" in them, there is a second phrase "as we understand Him". The term "Higher Power" (or HP as we often refer to this entity), came about to defuse the "whole God thing" that turns people away because of many reasons, mainly a bad experience with religion. For many God equals religion. Spirituality is not religion. Many will find spirituality in religion, as many can find spirituality outside the structure of religion.

During my drinking years, I never stopped believing in God in the more traditional religious sense. I got awfully mad at God on a pretty regular basis during my active addiction. "If God really existed", I would say, "He would never let anyone go through this type of misery." I tried to tell people that I didn't believe in God, but I would often pray at night for God to intervene. The struggle was I wanted God to make me a normal drinker again, not get rid of my addiction to alcohol. Well, God didn't really ever answer that prayer. He did bop me over the head a few times letting me know that if/when I wanted to get better and stop, help would be there. My moment of clarity came swiftly one early morning at 4:00am on 02/08/2010. By 10:00am on 02/08/2010, I was admitted to detox with a spot in treatment 5 days later. Ask and ye shall receive, right?

Around 2013, I became restless. The novelty of starting school had worn off. The "high" (no pun intended) was wearing off of new recovery. I had a period of time of deep depression. I had a long-term relationship that fell apart after 5 years of hoping I would become some type of priority in this person's life. I wondered if I had made a mistake in going back to school to be a counselor. I wondered what the future would hold. Late in that year, I was offered an amazing opportunity to go to Honduras. I was a volunteer for about 4 years with a small non-profit and they offered to pay for me to go on this trip as "payment" for the years of service with them.

Early in 2014, I went on this trip. I made some new and wonderful friends. I experienced many new and totally different things I had never done in all the years I lived over in Europe traveling around. It was at that time I was invited to attend a new church. It was then that I realized that my restlessness was related to my spiritual growth or lack thereof. I can pray easily enough. I can talk with God. While I can have issues with structured religion at times, I need a place to talk about faith and this journey of life. I need to feel inspired and moved. Church is the place where this started happening for me again. If you look at many of my entries over the past few years, I am often inspired by the messages I had heard after attending a church service.

I try as hard as I can to understand messages that God is trying to give to me. I know I am not the first person to get the message wrong or maybe not understand it. I had been feeling inspired to work through my church to combine my recovery and the religious structure of my faith. I pushed for it and made it to a point of almost leading a group for addiction care. I was excited and feeling like I was achieving something that was sitting on my heart for a few years now. I took a risk and it was coming to fruition.

This opportunity did not pan out for reasons that I don't want to discuss here. What I can say is that there are things that I need to look at in terms of reconciling my personal beliefs with that of a structured religion that is bound by one thing or another. I have made the decision to take a break from church and try to reevaluate what the next steps in my spiritual journey are. I am sitting here tonight trying to break down what happened, what went wrong and most importantly, what is the message/purpose of this breakdown. Was I missing something all along? Was I going down the wrong path? Is there another direction that I should be going? Deep questions with few answers. 

Spirituality is never black and white. I hold an ideal in my mind of how I want my spirituality and faith to be combined. Things abruptly changed and I have some decisions to make about how I want to proceed moving forward. What I know right now is that I feel in a lonely spiritual place. I feel like a piece of me is suddenly empty. 2013 was a long year for me in terms of finding inspiration and motivation. Over the past 5 years, that momentum and inspiration had been building. I took a risk to move into something I hadn't done in the past and it didn't work out. In my "all or nothing"/"black and white" addict mind, I drew a line and my spiritual journey needs to take a new direction. I just don't know what that looks like. I hadn't been thinking about it. I do feel the back up plan needs to be generated quickly because I don't want to go very long without that part of inspiration in my life.

I had a cup of coffee this evening with a woman I met through another AA member. I talked a little about this spiritual void I was experiencing at the moment. I feel like my heart has been broken. I want some answers about the purpose of all of this. We chatted about spirituality and how our connection over that cup of coffee was a spiritual moment. I heard God a little through our conversation tonight. Things happen for a reason. Maybe I attempted to assert my own will into something that was not the direction I need to be going in. Maybe there was something I needed to see. Maybe there is another space for me. Those "maybes" are not really enough for me right now. It will be down the road and I hope that I will find the answers I need.

​For now, I need to go through my grief process. Honestly, I am in the anger phase of that right now. Unfortunately for me, when I get angry or feel betrayed, I get out my shovel, dig my trench, pour some concrete in there and jump in. I don't want my mind to be changed. I want to be angry. I won't listen and I don't want to. Basically, "you pissed me off, now deal with the repercussions of that." I know from previous experiences that this type of anger will keep me stuck. That anger will consume me as long as I hold on to it. I've got some soul searching in my future. Can I reconcile my beliefs with a structured faith? Can I find my experience elsewhere that is as meaningful and fits my ideals? Am I expecting too much? Can I have enough faith to know this all serves a purpose? I made it through 15 years of despair while I was drinking and God answered when I was ready and willing. I suppose when I am ready and willing to become unstuck from this anger, I may be offered at least some of the answers I seek. Until then, I will have to decide where to go next. God will hopefully offer me a ray of light to at least tell me the direction I need to be looking. Right now, I am not looking in any particular direction. In fact, I am just looking down, feeling disappointed and sad. In the famous words of AA, this too shall pass. I am looking forward to that in a big way.

Julie

As time moves forward and I grow older, life seems to have hit the accelerator. It is another year of recovery to celebrate and another year of lessons learned. I have been able to learn everything from asking for help, humility, coping with stress and dealing with changes. In the past few months, changes has definitely been in the forefront the most. Changes at home and changes at work. Some of the change has been very excited and some of this change is harder than I anticipated. 

I was offered a new position at my place of employment. I have been excited about this opportunity. Many things about the position are brand new. I would like to think that I thrive in those types of situation. It's been a while since I really created a position. The last being the night LPN transplant job I still work today at 9 years later, only now on a casual basis. I enjoyed that excitement and the autonomy to be creative and make things work. I wasn't sober when I started working on that position. In fact, I thought I was going to lose the position because of my drinking. That transplant position was one of the catalyst that started my journey into recovery. I wanted to be good at it and I wanted it to work. Doing that kind of work while drinking is so difficult. As I got sober, I was able to do so much more. After about 4 years, though, I became restless and started another journey with this whole substance abuse counseling thing. I never would have dreamed all these years later that I would be developing something new where I am at now. My, my, life has really taken a turn in a totally new direction.

I knew that I would be transitioning to this position since last fall. There were hopes/expectations that my transition would have happened this past spring. Well, not everything happens as smoothly as we would like. A lot of mitigating factors presented and there was nothing our team could do but wait. When spring rolled around, I was still under the assumption that we would be making the transition and there were pieces of my current position that I would have to let go of. Most of me felt ready to move on to new things. I had started to check out of my current duties and started looking at what was up next. When the changes actually started taking place a few months later, I was shocked at how I was feeling. I was checked out and ready to go? Why am I sad?

First - Drug Court. I started on the Drug Court team as a treatment representative in the fall of 2015. I was so intimidated by being in court and sitting at a table with lawyers, law enforcement and judges. After months of work, we really started to be a great team. We disagreed about somethings and we agreed about a lot. We were trying our best to what was in the best interest of our participants. We celebrated the highs (no pun intended) and mourned together when we had to make tough decisions to terminate participants and hear of them going to prison. Most of all, these folks on the team became my friends. We traveled a lot together (California, Missouri, the Dells, LaCrosse). We talked to each other frequently outside of our weekly staffings when things would go south. We got to know each other on a personal level and I felt everyone had a genuine desire to support each other through hard times that weren't related to our team work. 

My transition was swift. We knew it was coming but not exactly when. Then one day, it was "this will be my last day" without much notice. I felt sad that day. I saw these folks weekly for almost 3 years. Suddenly it was gone. I try to console myself a little by telling myself it would be so great to not have to get up at 6:00am to get to court on time. That helps at times. However, I had learned so much. I watched the team grow in their understanding of addiction and how to motivate the participants based on their strengths. I saw our team members help get restraining orders  put in place when our participants were in trouble with those from their past lives, I watched judges try to help to resolve issues within the complex judicial system and throw their weight behind the belief in the inherent goodness of the person in front of them. I watched our attorneys offer guidance in often complex situations including everything from child support, to custody, to property issues and setting up payment plans for fines. It will be something that I will dearly miss. One good thing is that I left them in the very capable hands of KT. She will take good care of them! Most of all, I miss seeing my friends regularly.

Last night was the other big change. If anyone talks to me for more than 15 minutes, I will start rattling off stories about my experience in the county jail providing services for the incarcerated women. When I was first given this assignment in April of 2015, I freaked out. How would I ever connect with these women? Are they going to fight? Are they mean? What the heck am I doing? I went to my initial training and heard things like "no keys, no pens, this can be used as a weapon, that could be used for tattooing, watch out for manipulation, etc. etc." At that point, I was really thinking, what the heck did I get myself into. Over the past 3 and half years of providing services down there, I can't even begin to tell you what I learned. I learned that I can be tough and sympathetic at the same time. I learned that these women are complex, often traumatized in more than one way and find it hard to be honest. I have seen people who are institutionalized and will likely never survive more than a few months out of custody. I have heard people tell me "I will never be back!", only to see them a month or two later. I have watched women come to terms with being sent to prison. I have seen many hit the lowest point of their lives in my group - losing children, family, marriages, jobs and worse of all, losing hope. I have seen others uninterested in changing anything and will continue to lose more and sometimes their lives.

One of my most memorable nights, we started talking about depression. I spoke about depression as something to watch for in recovery as a relapse trigger. Who the heck wants to be sober when you feel so miserable? A woman candidly told me "you can talk about that all day long, the problem is, I feel bad now and I hate it. I am afraid to tell you that I don't want to live because the psych police will be all over me. But there it is. I hate myself and I hate my life." I saw 5 other group members well up with tears and nod their heads silently as they colored motivation sayings I allowed them to color during group sessions. I responded "Can I try to summarize?"... "If you want."  .... (mind you, everyone got a suicide screen that night, all was OK there). "Does it feel like 'I don't want to die, but I really don't want to live either?'"...... "Yeah. I won't hurt myself, I don't really want that, I just don't want to live. There is nothing left." No hope. My  heart breaks when I hear someone lose hope. I have been there. It is such a deep black hole. There are few words that can really capture this feeling: lonely, dark, scary. When I think about the years that I lived in this place in my mind, the memories to me are always at night, always in the dark. I try to describe it as "that whole period of my life is black". The sadness and the hopelessness were too much to bear at times.

As the ladies were fighting back their tears, I talked about being in that dark place myself. "Wait, what? You felt that way? How? You're fine." When push comes to shove, the women on the other side of the table were never all that different from me in terms of the addiction experience. Their lives took a different turn, a more desperate turn than my life ever did. However, I do know that when addiction is active and in control, there is little hope of anything changing. I often used the phrase "if nothing changes, then nothing changes." We continued to discuss what they were capable of doing and what they could potentially change if they were so inclined. They have skills for sure, just skills that are liable to land them in jail. What they have survived through and what they are capable of is surely an amazing foundation to start the recovery journey if they are truly desiring that change. It's a big leap though, to go from making $3,000 a week slinging dope to working at Taco Bell for $11/hr and not being able to afford much. I felt that my calling and my job down there was to let them know there was still worth to them and they really could change if they wanted to. I loved being able to challenge them, push them and make them find at least one good thing about themselves.

As I said, last night was my last night. I have been kinda teary today. I think of all that they have taught me throughout the years. One of my first groups, I had an argument with the group members about whether or not stealing from the Goodwill is really a victimless crime. The justification being...."It's all donated shit, Julie. I am poor, I needed it. The CEO of Goodwill makes like a million dollars a year." I was taken aback by this justification and started researching criminal thinking patterns. I tried hard to understand their perspective. I didn't often agree with their thoughts, but it always made for an interesting conversation to see how and why they think the way they do. Criminal thinking and addictive thinking are pretty close in a lot of ways. If they are willing to look at one or the other (ideally both), challenge that thinking and change it, many of them could do so much. I spoke to them with respect and in return received a lot of respect in return. Only once in 3 years did I have a fight break out. The 5 group members attempted to keep me safe which speaks volumes about the connection we had made when one woman launched herself across the table at another inmate. Some sought me out after release to continue our work in outpatient. I saw some amazing changes and saw others who were never ready to make a change. Either way, I do believe I made an impact on their lives. They have made a huge impact on my life as well.

So, it surprised me that I was feeling this level of emotion afterall, I was feeling really ready to be done with the jail back in the spring. Even feeling the way I do right now, I do not feel that I should stay either. Sustaining that level of intensity for years on end is exhausting and overwhelming. I am still sad though. We had a great group and I decided to bring up the whole Goodwill conversation last night so I could feel that I had come full circle. It was about as awesome as I expected the conversation to be. Many spirited opinions and it's still "donated shit" and "ok for me to have". Sometimes the work is never done! 

Now that I am nearly complete with the transition out of my old stuff, I am starting to work on the new stuff. It is a challenge for sure. It's three different positions in one. There are a lot of different teams I will be a part of with many different personalities and approaches. I consider myself to be a strong enough personality to hold my own. I am working to navigate it all. What I have noticed is that my ability to play both sides of the fence is coming back in full force. While I am extremely good at it, it's not one of my favorite character traits. I am a pretty open-minded individual and enjoy hearing opinions about various things. It took me 8 years of this recovery process to get to a point where I am feel confident about my own opinions and values enough to defend them in a constructive way. In a highly political environment, allegiance is key to wading through the mud to get things done. Again, I am good at it, I just kinda forgot about how exhausting it can be. More to come. 

Since this has become a long blog entry already, I will save the home changes for another day. These changes (mainly, I bought a house and many new things came with that) are a little lighter in nature. Many of the changes have been positive. 

I have a little self-care planned for myself which will include furniture shopping, going back to Crossroads, hanging at my old home group to get my 8 year medallion, hang out with my favorite niece and nephew and get in some good old quality family time. I would like to get really aggressive with my home renovations since I will be having guests this year in for the State Fair. 

The month of August remains my favorite month of the year because there is so much to be celebrated and the annual State Fair extravaganza is always something I look forward to every year and treasure every memory that we create. 

Peace!
Julie

 After the craziness of having a an offer accepted on a home, the closing process presented with its own challenges. In an attempt to take advantage of a down payment assistance program, the bank issuing that part of the loan, denied the application a mear 4 days before closing. This situation was the first of many situations in the past 60 days in which I learned a lot of about humility and gratitude. 

When I talked with my family about the turn of events, my family was awesome and extended a hand to help me get this place in my possession. It required a delay in closing but since I cleared underwriting just fine, the application for an entirely new loan took 10 days. Because of my awesome family, we got things back on track. I was really concerned that I was going to have to look for another apartment. I had put in my 60 days notice at the place in Woodbury. It was already rented out starting July 1st and the funding was pulled the 2nd week of May. 

I had a bit of a tough time in the beginning of May. Work was not going very well. I had a situation arise in which I was coming home and checking my malpractice insurance coverage. I had some pretty serious allegations thrown at me which came as a total surprise. I was obsessing about it. I was wondering (yet again) why I even bothered with this field. I had an instant flashback to when I was in this situation in my nursing license. There was no fault found in this nursing case, just a very angry family that was doing anything they could to deal with their anger. I happened to get caught in the crossfire by picking up a shift for someone. I knew that as this process progressed in this current situation, the same could happen here too but the stress of this process is way too much. 

As this situation was coming to a head, the funding for my house was pulled. I was trying to search for the meaning in all of this. I was getting the message that I shouldn't be purchasing a house. In hindsight, now, I am getting a better sense of what I needed to learn from all of this. For one, the bank that pulled the down payment assistance funding has a history of being entirely unreasonable with anything related to mortgages. So, for one, it might have been a good idea that I didn't get the loan from them. I ended up getting a slightly better rate and my monthly payment was slightly less as well. Ultimately I closed May 25th, 2018 at 4:00pm.

The other purpose....the recognition of the amazing people, especially my family, I have in my life everyday. My family has historically been phenomenal in crisis situations. We band together and get things done. My friends were helping me pick out colors and offer suggestions on furniture layout. I had a ton of plans to redoing most of this place prior to moving in. With the shift in funding, I wasn't able to do as much, however, I am super proud of what I was able to get done. I showed up every weekend and painted and cleaned and painted and cleaned.....until....... 

With 10 days to finish the moving process, I missed the last step at my apartment while I was moving boxes. I fell with all of my weight on the outside of my right foot. I broke a bone and 2 ligaments. For the previous month, I had done most everything myself and had a few people ready to help me with the final stuff that I could not move on my own. I did all the painting on my own. Thank God I had a few friends that helped me change locks and clean a few larger items in this place before I started painting.  Now, I was reduced to crawling to my car and driving myself to the ER. As I was sitting in the ER, I was thinking, "Seriously? This is the worse timing...", etc. etc. I was wondering what the heck I was going to do.

To be very transparent, I don't always like reaching out for help because I am not always sure that anyone is going to be available to help. That is not a guilt thing to anybody reading this who know me. Our lives are busy. Our lives have changed as we age. There are a lot of times that I see the call out for help on FB and I am not able to do anything. It's not that I don't want to, I might be unavailable, the distance is too  far or traveling. I was in a fearful place that no one was going to be available to help me especially with such short notice. The irony of it all is that I preach day in and day out "YOU HAVE TO ASK FOR HELP!". "CALL YOUR SPONSOR!" "CALL YOUR THERAPIST/COUNSELOR!" "TELL OTHERS WHAT YOU NEED!!!!" Then, here I sat thinking, I really don't want to ask for help because what if no one can help me?

So, the recovery lesson for me was a big one. When I threw out the SOS for help, everyone I contacted stepped up and offered their help. MAM and JQ came over to make sure I had a bed to sleep in the night the big stuff was moved. AND, they moved the cats. AND they yelled at me to sit the hell down and not injure myself more. Not to mention MAM worked her contacts to get me an ortho appointment within 24 hours of my injury!! My mom cleaned and organized the kitchen so that I can eat and not have everything in boxes until I can move around more freely. My sister schelped boxes for me despite the fact that things were packaged poorly. BH and her husband drove down and moved all this strange small stuff and got the remainder of the junk out so that I could have the cleaners come in and get me settled to move out. I had this amazing sense of peace that it was all going to get done.

My work family all banded together and made sure that I didn't have to get up to pick up my clients from the lobby which is a LONG way if you are injured. They got me lunch or drove me to lunch. They put together a little makeshift foot rest to keep my foot elevated. I was assigned a coworker who watches how much I was getting up. (I am allowed 15 minutes of every hour to not have my foot elevated.) Every day people stop by and check in. They also remind me to ask for help and certainly understand how unbelievably stubborn I can be when I don't. The work family also reminded me I would be able to get this all done and offered some cheerleading for me to get to the end of it.

I have also met a few of my neighbors. My one neighbor really has a heart of gold and told me within 15 minutes of meeting him that he was in recovery. I shared quickly that I am in recovery too. Same drug of choice. He has about 7 years on me :) He has power washed my deck, gotten me up on all the gossip of my neighbors and has been extending hints and tips on how things work around here. He has also been taking my trash out as well since he has seen me hobbling around in this boot. I haven't been in a place where the neighbors are out and about waiting to meet me. There is a big sense of community around here. 

Since I have been here full time, my mom has been coming over to continue with helping me unpack. There are not words to express my gratitude for all this help and organization. Slowly but surely this is becoming my home. I still have a lot of work to do, however, the hard part is over. I am no longer living between two places. I love the location I am in. I am meeting more and more of my neighbors and have really enjoyed them. The cats are doing well now. 

The 12 steps of AA ask me to let go of what I cannot control and put my trust and problems into the hands of those who can do something. I admit that I am an alcoholic. I admit that I am really stubborn and don't like to ask for help. God got my attention to let me know I was figuratively missing step 3 by literally missing the last step. The universe was telling me to slow down and ask for help. When I refused, I was gifted a boot and friends/family who are fully aware of what I need to do to not make it worse. Part of working a good program is to be of service to others and offer gratitude when others have been of service to me. It's been quite the adventure with this whole house deal. I look forward to getting my boot off in about 6 weeks. In the meanwhile I will keep practicing that whole "asking for help" thing.

Peace!
​Julie