How do you....?

One of the most common questions I get from my clients is "How do you..[insert issue here]?" How do you stop thinking about drugs? How do you stop making bad decisions? How do you "get over" depression? How do you stay sober? The answer to these questions completely vary by person. What strengths does this person already have to address their own issues? What areas need to be build upon to make and sustain change? The short of it is....I don't know. I also want them to figure out what they need and what they need to be successful for them. I did things my way; that doesn't always mean it will work for someone else.

I went to see my therapist today. He is awesome because he is challenging me to get beyond my own "How do you...." issues in my life these days. As I was telling him about a situation in which I kinda lost it at work, my "how do you..." was this: How do I get over myself? I feel misunderstood a lot and I don't know that others know this. They will get a pretty severe reaction from me and my lovely addiction side rears its ugly head. Black & white thinking. Digging a trench and defending a position that is no longer correct just because it's what I thought going in to the conversation. Rejecting feedback because it's not my point of view. By the way, I am firm believer that every good counselor/therapist has a good therapist. Just because I work in the field doesn't mean I don't have a whole lot of my own stuff to deal with in life!

I am surprised at how easily threatened I feel by feedback. There are people in my life I will regularly accept feedback from and basically not raise an eyebrow. My mom, my sister and a few close friends. I often elicit feedback from them because I trust their perspective and will take it all into consideration. These same folks have also watched me blow off reasonable advice. Most of the time, I will come around after I forged ahead with my seemingly brilliant plan and watch it fall apart like they told me it might. When it comes to the greater world out there, I feel misunderstood. I feel threatened. When I get mad, I either get silent or very vocal. Very vocal can be dangerous since I don't have a very big speed bump between my thoughts and my mouth.

A few months ago, my supervisor told me that she knows when I am not in a good place with feedback. I will tilt my head forward and look up with a "what hell are you talking about" look. I will remain silent. She told me initially, she would try to provide more reasoning for the feedback which caused me to directly change the subject. A few days later, I would be find and often had a moment to think about it and ultimately would agree. Now, she lets me have that day or two to process and her supervision of me has become much easier. I am less avoidant. I will come back and ask more questions. I will have reasonable conversation about the feedback or direction. I know I am like that. I have had open conversations with others about my tendency to do this. In the moment, I am truly feeling maligned and I want you to shut up. I don't want to talk about it. Leave me alone. I know this is not the most professional thing. It is something I am working on. My therapist gets the fun job of watching this happen when he is challenging my thinking process. My question "how do you feel less attacked when people are providing feedback?" Like me, he gave me no answer just some things to think about.

I have been getting a lot of messaging over the past year and a half about my tendency to get in my own way. Today, during this rather intense session, it became clear to me -- this is it. I am so terrified of someone disagreeing with me or misunderstanding me that I won't take the next steps to do what I really want to do. I am ready, willing and able to share everything about my experience with addiction because it is my story. You can disagree with me all you want, I know what I went through so I won't take feedback about that. I got here because of what I choose to do. You can disagree with me about those choices, I will stand right up and show you that I got here. So, I have the confidence about that. I have a relatively thick skin when it comes to my nursing. I generally know when I am right. I also know that I don't know everything. I can get requests to do things differently and I may not like it, but I will do it for the greater good. 

Now comes the personal recovery vs professional development. Ugh. This is a tough one. I feel defensive for my clients. I feel aggressive about the way that I engage my clients because I believe what I am doing works. I am a manipulator by trade.....I am using my powers for good and not evil. I feel that I know how my clients are feeling and when someone steps into our alliance, I am aggressive. Not assertive. Aggressive. It has only bitten me in the butt a few times because, in general, I have learned to keep silent until I have a second to process the feedback. I have, at least, figured out to do that so I don't get myself fired. Of the 2 times I have been written up in my career as a nurse, it was for insubordination. Both times, I was right (at least from my vantage point) and I hung one of those write ups on my refrigerator for well over a year. I was kinda proud that I stood up for myself. I didn't do it very well, per se, swearing at administrators is not a reasonable response. And, some things changed after I said what I did.

I have watched my addict side pop up more this year than in any other year since I got sober. I have dug deep trenches, poured concrete in them and jumped in waiting for the concrete to dry. I am not budging. Say what you will, I am not moving. Nope, keep trying. I feel that my art as a counselor is sometimes attacked. Now, I know that I have a lot to learn and I don't know it all. It's not that, it's about approach with me. The approach though, isn't totally reasonable for me to expect from anyone. I am just not sure how to change my initial reaction which is, at times, unreasonable. When I respect someone, when I have learned from them in the past, I will readily listen and engage. When I am part of unfamiliar teams where I am the only one representing my position, I feel attacked. "Why don't you...do this?" "You need to do this...." I immediately go on the offensive and attempt to brow beat them until they either agree with me or back off. That is the purpose of aggressive communication. It works and it's not the way to go. I know that. I got some work to do.

At the end of the session, my therapist told me "you would have made a great lawyer. You can justify just about anything and stay completely dedicated to an ideal even if it's wrong." I chuckled at that. I thought on the way home that I would have also made a great lawyer because I have an amazing ability to play both sides of the fence. Annoyingly, to me anyway, I don't like this particular personality trait. I spent so many years telling everyone what I thought they wanted to hear that I no longer had a clue what I even really believed. I held on so tightly to my career because at least that was something. I had limited insights into my own value system and what was important to me. Now, the pendulum swung the other way and really far the other way. I believe in something. I value something. I like what I am doing, saying or implementing. Any divergence from that is threatening to me. I am in the corner now. I will lash out, become aggressive or walk away in disgust. I am going to get my way, hell or high water. My goal is to get into a place where I am more balanced.

Black and white thinking is almost a given with any substance use person. It's all or nothing. My way or the highway. Get with me or go away. I worked a lot in my recovery to get out of this space and "live in the gray" as my previous therapist told me I needed to. I can do that in several areas of my life, just not my professional one which is where I need to the most! Balance hasn't been my strong suit in life. I work three jobs right now. It's 100mph until I run out of energy and crash. There is a balance out there. I just can't quite see what that looks like. Looks like my therapy is not yet done. 

In short, new year resolution for the year.....don't swear at administration, learn some balanced thinking and access the patience I have deep in my soul to allow things to evolve the way that they need to.

Hugs!
​Julie