Year In Review 2013

I miss George Carlin. I have to say I was fortunate enough to have seen him live back in the early 2000s. Still one of the best live comedy shows I have ever seen. No fuss, no muss, just George, the stage and tremendous wit. I found this on the 12 step recovery site this morning. I don't remember if George was in recovery or not, but he certainly had a lot of wisdom to share within our community.

So, it is that time of the year when I look back and reflect on what a year it has been. I came to conclusion about 9 years ago that odd years tend to be very rough years for me while even years tend to be better. Of course, I am picking and choosing the events in the year that supposedly made them good or bad and forgetting the rest. However, I would have to say that 2013 has been a so-so year for me. Lots of challenges and uphill battles, also a whole heck of a lot of be really really grateful for.

The year started off with my last night shift on 01/03/2013. I have to admit, I really miss that job. I liked my schedule and I like the work I did. I like my co-worker CS. I was in a rhythm and I was good at what I did. I still have my former boss' words in my head "you can do so much more, don't stop here...". Between those words and my internal desire to get my master's I left my position to pursue school full time. It was a tough transition. It's probably one of the first times in a long time that I felt like the outcast or the stranger in the room. The benefit of my school is that people travel through the program in cohorts. Of course, people become very close and supportive of each other. Each of my semesters, I have been in different classes with different cohorts and I failed to experience the support of one single cohort. People have been great, don't get me wrong, but it is not the same when I hadn't been there from the beginning. I still experience some of that today. The cohort this semester was another new group of people. I have bonded somewhat and we will have time next semester to do more it. 

I was reading through some of my old blog entries last night, trying to think of what I would talk about in my year in review. Well, there is certainly no shortage of topics to discuss. I learned this year, more clearly, that I will probably be on medications for the rest of my life for depression. In my mind, I have said this over and over again but in my heart, I really thought that I could someday be off of them and be "normal" again. I don't know why I was so married to this idea. My doc went with me a couple of times of adjustments, only to have blown up in my face. Well, because of insurance issues, I attempted to change from Cymbalta to Effexor. That was probably the worst 6 weeks I have experienced with my depression since I stopped drinking. I had no desire or intention of killing myself but that was the only thing  I could think about. "I want to die." "I suck, I should just die." I would have visions of my funeral and who would show up and say what. It was so overwhelming. I was in really close contact with my doc during this time. Not surprisingly, I got back on the drugs that work and was almost instantly relieved of those thoughts and compulsions. Now, there is no questions, meds, forever, that is totally fine by me. 

In 2013, it was also the first time that someone outside of me really questioned my ability to properly function because of my mental health. I guess I have always felt that I could function normally when I needed to and then go home and suffer through my time with my symptoms. I believed that my inability to get moving or to call in sick was really more about will and desire than it was about symptoms of depression that were overwhelming. I got into such a routine when I was drinking of pushing through physical and mental sickness to perform my job and life that I thought on some level that all of this is more of a moral issue - aka, I just wasn't trying hard enough or I was being lazy. So, when the medication change was affecting my abilities in my internship, someone called me on it and that was that. I ended up withdrawing from the whole semester. I am still not impressed what happened there. The whole situation is a bit more complicated than that. All in all, however, it was the first time that someone told me I wasn't capable of being in a work environment because I was mentally unfit. I have never heard that before and I hope I will never hear that again. 

Then, going back to work full time. Oh boy, This was a challenge. Now, I know that I am going into a field where there is a lot of personal interaction so my next discussion might seem like I chose the wrong field. I will try to explain this the best I can. My position on nights was not a patient facing position. I was more in a support role. What I liked about that was coming in, there is a pile of work, I get it done. Period. No one is hassling me or bugging me. I just go in, get my stuff done and call it a day. Moving onto the day shift was pretty rough. I had forgotten how to play the game, so to speak. There were politics galore, staff issues, misunderstandings of roles and responsibilities. My one major concern when I started was that my particular assignment was going to lead to massive conflict. I knew that going in. I guess even knowing and expecting it didn't make it hurt any less when things started to deteriorate. There were a few really big positives that came out of it though: 1. I know myself enough to believe that I am good at what I do and the issues between me and the others is not a reflection of my work. At all. Ever. Period. 2. I finally stood up for myself and I am in a 1000x better position because of it. 3. I now know that school was a great leap of faith on my part. I would have probably quit had I not been going back to school because of the stress it was causing. I am currently working on my break. I love it now!

I am back at school and I did struggle this semester. All in all I got 3 As and 1 B. I was a little shocked that I blew the finals so badly. I really focused in on one particular final and I got a C which was pretty disappointing. I didn't spend much time on the other final which showed with my very sad D. Wow. What the heck happened? As I have been saying all year, basically, I spread myself too thin. Instead of focusing on what I needed to focus on, I kept adding things under the guise that I needed more "fun" in my life. What I was really doing was adding chaos so I didn't have to focus on what I wasn't interested in focusing on. This is certainly not the first time I have done this to myself. I can think of a dozen or more times I do this. Maybe this will be an area of improvement for myself in 2014.

Now, it is the holiday time. It really has become my favorite time of year. Thanksgiving was great. The semester is behind me now. We have developed a tradition in my family now. My sister and her family go to the in-laws on Christmas Eve. My mom and I hang out (usually doing my laundry) and put together the kids toys so they can start playing first thing! My mom and I have had to redefine our relationship once I got sober. She has worked her program amazingly and I have grown in my new life too. This is our night to catch up and talk smart. We laugh, watch TV and discuss the fact that new underwear might be appropriate at this time. I look forward to this every year. There is nothing like hearing my nephew at 5:30am "Hi Aunt Julie. Can you get up now? I need to open up some presents...." He is 5, he can get away with this :) For the past few years, I have actually been up before the kids. I get so excited about the fun that we are going to have. 

Despite being an up and down year, I present:

2013 Gratitude List

I am grateful for my family for their support and love this year and always

I am grateful for all my friends who have reached out to me and supported me

I am grateful that I was able to work this summer when school didn't work out

I am grateful for my internship placement - I had a great experience

I am grateful for the new people I met in my cohort this semester

I am grateful for knowing myself well enough to ask for help when things are tough

I am grateful for another year of sobriety

I am grateful for everything I learned about myself, others and the world around me

I am grateful for my niece and nephew...they are super awesome

I am grateful for each time I smiled and laughed this year

I am grateful for each trip I made back and forth from school safely

I am grateful for being able to get health insurance at the beginning of the year

I am grateful for my AA community and sober network

I am grateful for the opportunity to have my own website and continue my blog

I am grateful for my readers and supporters of this site and blog

Lastly, and most importantly, I am grateful for my life and everything in 

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