Weaponized Self-Care

A couple of things about this post: I believe in self-care. It is an integral part of anyone's life, especially those who give themselves to others personally or professionally. This post is more about how the concept of self-care became weaponized in my life for years. The term "self-care" makes me cringe because of what I experienced. That does not diminish the importance of taking care of yourself. This post is more about resentment that I still carry on some level. The fact that I react simply to the words "self-care" tells me I have yet to release this resentment. 
 
 I saw this meme posted on Facebook a couple of different times. It surprised me that my visceral reaction to even seeing the words "self-care" is still present despite almost two years passing since I had the concept used against me. One of the more challenging parts of recovery for me is letting go, especially when I feel like I have been wronged. I remember that first year of recovery; I felt that almost everyone and everything had done me wrong at some point or another. I was literally mad at everything. Over time, I understood that resentments were driving that behavior, and if I wanted to stay sober, I would have to find a way to come to terms with my anger. 
 
 In school right now, I am taking a course in leadership. While I don't have a particular interest in being in a leadership/management position in the future, it reminds me of what I need in a supervisor/manager to succeed. Those needs had changed over the years and definitely changed when I moved from nursing to counseling. Now that I am back in nursing and with years of experience, I think of leadership differently. I could see myself as a leader and would want to model myself after the core tenets of nursing: compassion, care, and advocacy. Even if I don't want to supervise people, I can model behavior that exemplifies those virtues.
 
 I had a variety of supervisors during my time in counseling. I had one who was very hands-off and told me that I was smart and to let her know if I needed anything. She was so swamped that even if I did need something, I had to wait in line. I opted to talk with my co-workers; however, we were all pretty new to the practice, and it was not the type of support I needed to be successful. The next supervisor was a micro-manager. I'm not too fond of that extreme either. It was so severe that I found a camera in my office that was placed behind a bookshelf. She recorded my sessions and provided very specific criticisms of what word I used in a particular part of my assessment and compared everything with my notes to "see if you were making up anything there." She also had all of our emails blind cc:ed to her so that I was emailing asking about what time my co-workers and I were going to lunch, and she would deduct that from our time. I have never been in a situation like that.
 
 The job I stayed in the longest had many supervisors and managers. Because our department intersected with many other teams, it felt like I had 4-6 people I answered to, and I would have to change the way I presented something based on who was in the room. One of the things that I had to fight myself for in recovery is being OK with the authentic me. I was already second-guessing myself, being relatively new to the field, spending time trying to figure out what "Julie" to be in what meeting was exhausting. It brought me back to obsessing over how every interaction went and what I did wrong. I needed to be worried about advocating for my client, not about whether I was making someone mad by not perfectly saying something. 
 
 About a year or two in, the "self-care kick" started at my job. It was very evident that many of us were burned out. We were down on staff members for about two years, and our caseloads were huge. Not to mention, we were constantly under a microscope for having long waitlists for services. So, every staffing meeting, every supervision appointment, I would be asked, "what are you doing for self-care." When I would say, I didn't really know. The response was quite shocking. "Why don't you know??" Well, I am barely getting through the day, so thinking about doing something for myself that requires any amount of energy is overwhelming. 
 
 Day after day, as my physical and mental health was falling apart, I was put in a position where I "needed to do more self-care." I was obviously "not able to care" for myself adequately. I was asked what was so hard about knowing what I needed to feel better. I started to believe that I genuinely didn't know myself well enough to do the right thing. I was "failing." If I just learned how to do self-care correctly, I would be fine. The stress of the job was not the problem - it was me. My family of co-workers was always telling me this wasn't true. On some level, I knew that, but when people in authority are constantly bombarding me with the same criticism week over week, how can someone not start to believe it? I have a strong desire to please other people to a fault sometimes. So the people I wanted to be impressed with my abilities were hyper-focused on self-care and what I was personally doing wrong. It wasn't easy to see the situation any other way.
 
 Over time, I became paralyzed. The sheer fact that I was getting out of bed and taking a shower off of work was the best I could do. Did you know that getting out of bed and taking a shower is self-care? It is for me because I feel better. I went on vacation. I went on crafting retreats. I spent time with my family and friend. While that was probably technically self-care, it was not going to change the fact that I was burned out. No amount of "self-care" was going to change the fact that I was so overwhelmed and upset about my job that I couldn't even manage to get out of bed. Well, guess what happens when I don't get out of bed? No dishes get done. No laundry gets done. No grocery shopping gets done. The tasks of my personal life pile up, causing even more stress. 
 
 What thing I still do to this day for self-care is therapy. Therapy was one of the few things that kept me from relapsing and helped me get through the last year of that job. I talked with my therapist about whether or not self-care could be used as a weapon. He said he imagined it could be. What I was clearly explaining was exactly that. Self-care had been used against me to blame me for my level of stress. He was actually saddened that this had happened. He could see the resentment building and would see my reaction if he used the word self-care. Two years later, he still avoids that term because it changes my composure. Until I am ready to work through or let go of those things that happened, I will continue to have that response. Honestly, this meme felt like the world understood me on this point. In reading the responses by others, I thought, yeah, most of what was going on was not an issue of self-care. It was a result of unrealistic expectations and burnout. 
 
 I have learned a valuable lesson from all of that. One, I know what I need in a manager/supervisor. Where I am at right now is honestly pretty perfect for me. I know my job. I know what I need to do. If there is a problem, I know exactly where to go, and if I seek help, I will be respected for my observations. There is a respect that I get as a nurse that I failed to get from my counselor career from the people that oversaw my work. I was berated frequently, questioned about my abilities, and often cut off at the knees when trying to do what I thought was right. Worst of all for me, my integrity was questioned. I hadn't had that happen before. There are times when I didn't do things right, but I made my decision with the information I had and what I thought was best. 
 
 The other lesson learned - what self-care really is. Self-care is not a $1,000 trip to the Bahamas to recharge (although that would be nice). Self-care is different for everyone. For me, it's keeping on top of my homework and housework. It is making sure I have healthy food around my house. It is making sure that I don't start berating myself for taking a day to do nothing. Some days it is still getting out of bed and taking a shower. Other days it is talking to someone on the phone. Each day's self-care looks different to me. I have found, though, when I pursue my passions, that is part of self-care to me. There is a certain pressure that I enjoy, as strange as it sounds. Maybe counseling would have been more of a passion had I been in a different environment. However, the way I feel in nursing is more fulfilling to me. Nothing wrong with that. I can think of several other areas I have worked in that I didn't care for, but the experience offered me something that got me to where I am today. As resentful as I am can be about my experience, I learned something. It brought into focus that which is most important to me.
 
 Take care all,
 ​Julie