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​One of my least favorite questions, when I am interviewing, is: "Where do you see yourself in five years?" Honestly? I barely know what day of the week it is right now. Thinking out more than about six months is difficult enough. The lack of knowing what I see myself doing is nothing new. Whether I was in active addiction or recovery, that answer has not come clearly to me. 

For most of my life, I have tended to live in the past and not so much in the future. There are things I was certainly excited about things like college, moving to the big city, etc. I tended to carry the baggage of the past with me, though, and to some degree, I tend to do that today. I wouldn't say that I find myself in a place of regret necessarily. I feel more than the self-limiting beliefs and fears stick around when I think about planning or changing something in my life. I wonder if I will succeed. I wonder if "this is it", "it" being the answer to the elusive question - What do I want to do with my life? Many times, I have the immediate goal of changing something without much an idea in my mind of how things will look once the change is complete. 

I am now in my last quarter of school. This quarter has been challenging, and I really hope that I can make it. One of my classes is not going as well as I hoped it would. I have time to make things better and will likely do OK. I just have this nagging feeling that I might not pass. Of all the schooling I have completed, this is the program I avoided because I feared that I wouldn't pass. I feared I would work really hard and still not make it. To date, I have done very well, so the likelihood of me failing at this point is slim as long as I am strategic about my studies. 

That being said, my therapist once told me that I need to have things to look forward to in my life. For me, that has been meeting up with friends and traveling. What I have missed the most with Covid has been the time with my family and going on crafting retreats. These are the top activities to recharge myself and find the next goal to chase after. I started thinking about what I was going to do when school was done. These two years of my life have flown by so quickly, I almost can't believe that I am here - almost done. I think about the reasons I went back to school. I wanted my RN and felt that I could follow my passions for mental health and addiction recovery as a nurse. That may still be in the cards; however, I am not so sure anymore.

One of the things I loved about nursing school the first time around was being put in a clinical setting and finding all this passion and desire. "Oh my gosh, I want to do this...." Next semester, "nevermind, I am going to this!" I changed my mind about 100 times as I was going through that program. No way did I ever imagine that I would land in transplant, which has been, by far, the coolest of all my nursing jobs. This time around, the clinical experience went online, and we talked about many different avenues. It was a little easier to think about what I didn't want to do than it was about what I wanted to do. Yes, going back to nursing was an excellent decision. I belong here. When I throw on my scrubs, I feel capable, intelligent, and ready to do my job. In no other career path has this feeling been apparent like it is with nursing. 

Earlier this year, I was looking for a job. I needed a flexible schedule and wanted to get back into some hands-on nursing. It had been a good 12-13 years since I did all that technical nursing. I started working with clients 1:1 in the home. I wasn't as excited about the job. I knew I would be able to do it. I would be able to manage the hours well. "I'll give it a year and see." For the first several months, I was plagued with self-doubt. I didn't feel like I was doing a good job. I would be holding my breath going in for the next shift, thinking I did something wrong or simply didn't do something well. In general, I don't like starting new jobs. That learning curve drives me nuts, and I want to be "good" right away. 

Since July, my feelings have really changed about this job. I am content. I really like it. I am surprised I like it so much. After I felt comfortable with my assignments and was able to talk with folks about how I was doing, everything just sort of clicked. I honestly didn't have a specific plan coming out of school. I was going to play it by ear and see what opportunities are out there. Of course, I also need to finish school and pass the boards. More and more often, I am asked, "what's next?" 

The Plan: For the first six months after school, I am going to have fun. Period. I am going to continue to work where I am at. I am going to register for at least 2 crafting retreats. I am going to take my niece and nephew on a trip each. I am going to hang out with my family and friends. I am going to finish the painting at home. I am going to refinance my house and complete some other renovations. I am going to volunteer (more to come on this....). I think back to one of my motivations for returning to school. I want to earn more money, have less stress, work less, and get back to my life. In previous blogs, I talk about 2012 being "the year". When I am asked what a good year looked like, that was it. I worked 13 days a month, spent boat-loads of time with my family. I was organized. I was hopeful. I was good at my job. I hung out with friends all the time. I used to think what I liked about my work was that I had a specific set of tasks, I did my thing, and I went home. Yes, that is part of it. What I liked the most is that in a given month, I was there less often than not. I had more days off than on. It gave me the freedom to do a million other things I liked to do when I wasn't there. That is what I missed. No 40 hours a week, week after week. It was 32-36 hours jammed into 7 days with 7 days off. 

This time around, it is not about the prestigious job or the most dollars per hour. It's not about the name of the place. It's about truly going back to the life/work balance I used to have. It's about having the right schedule for me. It's about having weekdays off and working nights. It's about earning enough money for the bills and using the remainder to play. Of course, I like to be proud of my work. And I am proud of what I do. My clients teach me a lot, and I am honored they feel comfortable placing their care in my hands. I got lost for a while thinking about what others would think about "my success." What I am learning is that regardless of my job, I am a nurse, and that is what I am most proud of. Even during the years of counseling work, nursing remained my passion. In fact, my boss's boss heard me answer the question about where I was going after putting in my notice. I said, "I am going back to nursing." His response? "You never left. You are just going back home." And nursing does feel like home for me.

So, I am doing this crazy 40 hours a week of school, 16-20 hours of work a week, I drive almost 1,000 miles a week to get everything done. I am the happiest I have ever been. I am stressed with school, but not an unhealthy stress. It's the stress I need to get things done. Work is great. I had to reduce my hours, and I am missing work. I looked at my January schedule to see all these days I am NOT working, thinking about how to plug that time with the things I love. I will have the needed income to take care of the bills so there will not be working three jobs to make ends meet. I am in the pursuit of personal exploration about a new passion that has developed since starting school. Yes, I realize I am being vague here. It's just something I want to be really sure about before going "public," so to speak. 

I tell people often that I have to care for my recovery first and foremost because, without it, I have nothing. For the past two years, my recovery has thrived in ways I was not expecting. I may still pursue a position in nursing that deals with addiction recovery and/or mental health. At this time, stepping away from combining my career and recovery seems to have been the best move for me. I still contend that I have a calling in recovery. I still don't know exactly what it is. I think about advocacy and education. I want to be the voice for recovery. I don't exactly know what this looks like. Some day I will figure it out. In the meantime, I have talked about my experiences with my fellow students and offered some insights when we talk about addiction and mental health in our classes. I remain very passionate about recovery and connecting people to recovery. 

Lastly, I want to write more. I would like to write my story. Personally, I don't find my story all that interesting compared to some of the other stories of those in recovery. However, I have been told on multiple occasions that my story has power. I am honest about the depth of sorrow and despair I experience. I am honest that my early recovery was plagued with anger, rage, and a deep sense of self-hatred. I openly talk about needing years of intensive mental health and addiction counseling to rewire my brain. I am not embarrassed about needing significant external motivation to get into recovery. It all happened the way it needed to happen. At least, I believe that to be true for myself right now. 

I thank you all for the support and for reading this blog!!!

Peace,
J