The Pursuit of Inner Peace

As the level of absurdity reached an epic level today. I was glad that I read my daily mediation before hitting the road today.

"Maturity is measurable by our response to the ebb and flow of the day, the season, even our lifetime....absorbing from every experience will strengthen our character and prepare us for what lies ahead. Today may offer me pleasure and also pain. I need both to meet tomorrow."

This year has been a bit of a struggle from a few different angles. I have been trying my best to take each day as it comes. For the most part, I have been able to see the light and the benefits of most of these experiences. One of the great lessons of AA: "Learning to live life of life's terms." That was an important one for me to remember today as I watched office politics soar to a new level of annoyance. 

I had a meeting today. Within my DBT training, I worked a lot of my interpersonal skills. They are, by no means, perfect, that is for sure. Anyway, I was going into a meeting in which I was entirely sure I knew how I was going to answer the questions posed to me. I try to plan some of these conversations out in my head so that I can meet my goal in the conversation. Initially, I thought my goal was going to be to preserve my relationships with the people whom I work. I had carefully thought out the pros and cons and decided the right thing to do. 

Upon my arrival to work today, that whole idea when right down the drain. I realized suddenly, all my assumptions and ideas were not going to preserve my relationships at all. The next move was to preserve my self-respect. (There are three areas in communication - objective - I need to ask for something, relationship - I need to address something or self-respect in which I need to stand my ground on the issue at hand.) I wasn't prepared to sit down in a meeting and defend my self-respect, although on some level I knew this was going to happen so there had been some forethought at a different time.  Ultimately, I think I did pretty well in the situation and realized the relationships I had hoped to preserve were no longer salvageable. I got lucky because I will have other opportunities now, but it is coming at a pretty distinct price to the good relationships that are still viable. Had I continued to push forward, I think I would have been extremely disappointed in the outcome and am glad I opted for some self-preservation.

Interpersonal communications has been one of the most difficult things for me to master in the realm of DBT skills. I still have the "what if people get mad at me" syndrome on and off again. I am fearful of rejection at times. I believe on some levels it is easier to just not ask and down play my needs or wants. Dating has helped me break through some of these barriers recently. I am starting to stick up for what I believe in and maintaining a much higher level of self-respect than I ever had in the past. I can say "no" now, not easily, but I can and do. In the work environment, however, it is more difficult. It is one thing to say or ask for something then never see the person again. It's another when you spend more time with co-workers than I spend with my cats. (The cats aren't that easy to say "no" to and I have no dignity or self-respect around them :) So, I struggle on the priority of the situation, always seeking to maintain the relationships overall.

Well, today I learned a valuable lesson. I could not be calm with myself if I was unable to have my self-respect at the end of the day. I spend a lot of time with these guys but I spend the most time with myself. I need to be able to lay down at night and know that I did what I could to preserve a relationship. At the end of the day, if this is going to be a destructive relationship, then I need to know that I did not let myself get trampled down in an effort to save something that was only going to cause pain and emotional discomfort.

I am sitting in my bed tonight, with Duke at my side, listening to him purr while he waits for his belly to be rubbed. I look back on the events of today and feel calm and collected about the decisions I made and the outcome of all the various discussions of the day. My boss is super cool and has a tendency to shield me from some of the more juvenile behaviors going on with the office politics. I know I do good work, she knows I do good work. Boom...self-respect. I do not either need to prove myself to anyone or go to further lengths than I already do. I knew at the beginning of this last summer I was likely to lose some friends at work. I was certainly right there. Sadly, we were unable to forge a professional working relationship after a few months of trying. I feel I made a concerted effort on my side and if that is not accepted by other parties, I need to relieve myself of the worry and anxiety that creates. I did so today and I couldn't be more pleased with the outcome.

It is days like these that I am truly grateful to have found some inner peace in my life. Three or four years ago, I would have compromised just about anything to make sure I preserved all the relationships even if that meant going against my own values and judgments. I had commented in past blogs about playing both sides of the fence. I did that in order to be everyone's best friend. What I got out of that was nothing but anxiety and terror that I would be found out or I was doing things that were against my core. I struggles for so many years living against my values and wondering why I was crying myself to sleep every night. I won't do that anymore because I know how truly lost it makes me feel. I want to say what I mean and mean what I say. That to me is living life on life's terms. I know the kind of life I want to live. I need to adhere to the values I have deemed important and necessary. If I get unexpected results, good or bad, that is life guiding me to my next destination.

OXOXOXO
Julie

---