The Authentic Self

I haven't been able to get to my regular church service for a little while now. A year ago my roomie from Honduras invited me to come to her church. I hadn't been very inspired by church for a long time. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go; however, this now dear friend introduced me to the next stage of my spiritual development. Something I decided to devote last year to - increasing my spiritual connection between me and my Higher Power. 

Since that time, I have come to enjoy going to church. This particular church's motto is "no perfect people allowed". Well, heck, sign me up, then. Each week, I am given much food for thought. I enjoy the spiritual and intellectual challenges of the ideas places before me. I am provided with a deeper understanding of my own interconnectedness with myself, the world around me and my sobriety. I hear a sentence here or a line there that reminds me to regain my focus. This focus encourages me to get outside of myself and be a better person; contributing to a better world. 

Right in the beginning this week, the pastor said a phrase that often comes into AA. "Fake It Until You Make It." I think the very second blog entry I wrote 2 or 3 years ago now was about this exact concept. I had an issue with it in the past, came to a place where I started to agree with it and then, tonight, I shuddered a little bit hearing it again. Initially, I didn't care for this phrase because I felt like the 18 years of my alcoholism was just me being fake all the time, covering for my vices and attempting to convince the outside world that I was doing a whole heck of a lot better than I actually was. The lying, the conning, the manipulating....why on God's green earth would I ever want to fake anything again? The relief I felt walking into that treatment center, where I could be totally honest about where I was at, was one of the most moving moments of my life. I didn't have to juggle fire anymore. I was surrendering and finally able to release some of the stress my life carried at the time. 

As I moved along in my recovery, I started liking the concept because it started to be about changing thought patterns. I had viewed my life in really negative way and that didn't exactly stop when I stopped drinking. As I started to "fake it" some, I did find that my thought processes were changing. If I smiled more, my days were more positive. When I made an effort to say a nice thing when I didn't want to, I felt better. If I told myself enough times that I was really doing better, I did start to believe it. Psychologists will tell their clients to employ this concept to help cope with depression and anxiety. Scientifically, it has been proven to change the brain chemistry - producing more happy endorphins. Eventually, you can stop "faking it" because you ARE actually happy and doing better which means you "made it". 

Now, I guess I am at a point in my recovery where I have returned to not wanting to fake much anymore. It takes too much effort and energy to be something that I am not. The term "authentic self" came up. I studied hard when this concept was brought up in DBT. Creating/finding one's authentic self is the bedrock of self-esteem and building a life worth living (very very core concepts of DBT). Who is this authentic self, anyway? The age old question - who am I? What is my purpose?

I think the pursuit of the authentic self is much like my experience with the 12 steps. There are avenues and devices to work through to explore values and dreams in one's life. Ultimately, it comes down to making some choices, at least in my experience. While I was hard pressed to find my values while in active addiction, I knew what they were. In early sobriety, I still kinda knew what they were, but I had been living against them for so long that I was convinced that I didn't have them anymore. That's the thing about addiction, though. Leading a dual life - one of the active user who will do anything to anyone to protect the use or get what is needed to continue with using. Then the other person who woke up after the active use wondering "what the hell is wrong with me?" I wouldn't make those choices if I were sober. Having used for as long as I did, I started to believe that my being was just broken. No values, no morals. I was living one way and desiring another way. I needed to choose to make better choices and live within my value system. I battled with myself to redefine those values. In fact, I think I still am in some internal conversations about my values to this day.

In the 12 steps, the final 3 steps are about the maintenance of our program. I am to work, on a daily basis, on remaining connected to my Higher Power, to be of service to others and make things right when I have done wrong. I won't say that I am a total rockstar at these steps. I take an inventory on my behavior, but I am not always the first person to jump out there and make an amend for it. It's a character defect, as we call it in AA. It's partially pride, it's partially stubbornness. Ultimately, it's up to me to practice the steps in my daily life. If I don't or if I don't constantly pursue something of value, I can lose my way pretty easily. 

I believe that I will have an eternal battle within myself about who and what I am suppose to be. I don't necessarily view this as a bad thing. My values have to do with being of service to this world and having a positive impact. I have grand ideals of creating large scale changes about things I care about. On the other side of the coin, I am also a gossiper. I can be judgemental. I can be quick to annoyance or anger in certain situations. I don't find my values and ideals to be compatible with some of the things that make me "me". I can be sarcastic and rude. However, I can be caring and passionate about the health and well-being of others. At the end of the day, I feel like I lived about 70% within my value and 30% of just being the person I am. I have always been that way....

After last weeks little test of myself, I am drawn back into the conversation of the authentic self with yours truly. I am who I am; however, there are things about myself that I would like to change. My values and ideals haven't changed much - maybe expanded even. The disparity between my  values and my behaviors has grown in the past year. I had become very negative, discouraged and inconsistent. I didn't say what I meant and I wasn't always meaning what I was saying. What becomes overwhelming to me is the effort that it will take to change these things. I know I can, but some days it feels like it's just better to pull the covers back over my head and hide. Quite frankly, I have fallen back into some old behavioral patterns. While I am safe at my job now, I have a ripple effect going on since I got so triggered and emotional. I have been backsliding for quite some time, I would say maybe for the past 12-16 months. 

I choose a path of education and training that I believed to match my ideals. As I walked down this path, I think it held a mirror up to myself. We talk about clients who are going to relapse, we talk about someone walking out of the treatment center who overdosed and died, we talk about the client coming back for their 12th treatment. I see lives ruined, hopelessness and despair on a pretty regular basis. Tough crowd to work with, right? What is hard for me, is remembering that I was on that side not very long ago. I don't know if I let enough time lapse between my own experience and pursuing this professionally. It gets to feel a little too raw at times. Mind you, I don't regret this decision. In retrospect, I maybe should have waited for a bit longer before getting into the career. Since beginning to work with clients, my guilt and regret have been pretty strong. I see more clearly the strain and chaos I caused to others. I start reverting to judgemental behaviors in order to protect myself from having to say "you know what? That was me, I did that too. I feel bad about it."

However, I chose this field because of the ideals I carry about leaving the world a better place. I still maintain that I have something big to offer in this world and this career, passion or whatever I want to call it is it. I tap into that passion/power regularly in an effort to remind myself why I did this in the first place. I think I have been surprised at my immediate thoughts to jump ship in my inaugural time in the field. I do remember feeling this way when I first started nursing too. I wasn't perfect or the best right away so....I chose my path incorrectly. After 11 years in the nursing field now, I know I am a damn good nurse. I long to feel that way in  addictions counseling too. 

What I need to be careful about is as I move forward to be certain I have an authentic self outside of my career. I am in an interesting place right now. I have devoted significant money and time into a recovery-active career. I am not married, I have no children. I devoted my life to my career and become very unhappy when I am not satisfied in my career.  I start to regret the decision to be "career-centric" when the going gets rough. When I graduated from my second treatment, I got feedback from my peers who told me "you have to find something else besides nursing". I had no identity outside of that. I knew nothing else - it was the only thing at that point in my life I was any good at. Because my life is so focused on recovery - both personally and professionally, I am finding that I am hard pressed to identify anything else about myself. Recovery or bust. While that is important, it is a component of my life, not all of my life. What's the point of being in recovery and not doing anything fun in life now that I can enjoy it?

I think what I am appreciating about this spiritual journey is the opportunity to look at things like this. I feel like I have been afforded a fabulous opportunity to be connected with others and to my spirituality. MAM and I always have such conversation -- somehow the topic of the week is "just what we needed to hear". KG and I have been exploring our faith together as well as we attempt to find our confidence and place in this world. Both of these ladies and I are working everyday to do the hardest piece of the 12 steps (in my opinion anyway) - Give it over to God. Let God take care of it. There is a purpose and a reason for everything - I believe. It's hard to believe that there is light when things are dark. My belief/faith, though, has been like a little flashlight. I can choose to use it or not. I have chosen in the past not to use the resource sitting right in front of me. However, in this journey of recovery, I have these awesome people who remind me in the darkness that I can flip on my flashlight and the journey will continue on. 

Peace,
J

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