Thanksgiving 2014

I have been spending some time on recovery groups on Facebook for the past few weeks. The holiday times bring a lot of angst to those in recovery. Whether it be meeting up with family and friends who have not yet forgiven the addict's transgression or active use is going to on, the holidays are stressful. Let's face it, the holidays are pretty stressful even when you are not in recovery!

This year will be my 5th years of attending the holidays sober. I am really lucky in that my family and I are in good standing with one another and using at the holidays is virtually non-existent. My holidays, in fact, are pretty low key. Actually, for the past several years, I appreciate my recovery so much during this time of year because when I was using I was so obsessed, paranoid and unhappy about not being able to use on my normal schedule. I was so stressed out that maybe this year would be the year that everyone would figure out what was going on. Hours and hours of driving on the road to multiple locations, the destination not always being the happiest of places to be. 

Since getting into recovery, the holidays are not very stressful at all. For one, I can be present and enjoy the purpose of the holidays. I have the opportunity to be grateful for all that I had and still have in my life. I can enjoy my niece and nephew ecstatically opening presents. I don't have to worry about when I am going to get a chance to be at home and drink the night away. I don't feel the loneliness and emptiness that I used to feel. I don't feel compelled to drink away my sadness and my lack of connectedness to others. I actually look forward to this time of year now. 

What I find interesting is that some resentments and regrets tend to pop up at this time of the year. I wonder to the extent other addicts and alcoholics agree that this time of the year makes one more susceptible to dwell on these things. Maybe it's because it is the end of the year and we have the time to reflect on another year. While we can see the lengths we have gone, we regret the time we lost or resent the things we want but don't yet have. For me, I continue to regret the number of years that I stayed engaged in addiction. I regret what I put my family through. I regret the relationships that I lost. I become resentful about not being in a relationship or having the white picket fence life. Ironically, I almost had it a while ago and it was, quite frankly, one of the most miserable period of my life. So, why do I long for that now? I don't think that I really do. I think it is the time of the year and I have this idea of where I "should" be - married, kids, house. Instead, I am single, 2 cats and I rent an apartment. Somehow, I feel like this scenario doesn't quite live up  to the norm. I constantly remind myself this time of year that I am damn lucky to be working, living in a great place, great friends and family and I am sober. Many of my fellow brothers and sisters in addiction don't have anything like this yet they have the husband and kids and the house. They aren't enjoying the "norm". 

So, this holiday season, I am working to avoid the self-induced pity party. I was starting down this path. Yet, today, while at work, I realized how lucky I have been this year. Despite all the challenges with school and work for the past year, I am still financially OK, I am working, I still live in a great place and I have wonderful plans for the holidays. When reflecting on the year, I would be remiss if I didn't remember some of the struggles this year held, but I would be negligent if I decided that nothing good happened either. When in "pity party" mode, I tend to only see the worse. One of the strongest skills in recovery is keeping an attitude of gratitude. Is life perfect? Nope. But, I have so much more than I had five years ago. While sometimes, I view myself as broken now, I am not. I was broken then. When I was using, I was depressed and I was hopeless. Life just doesn't work if there is no hope. 

This fifth year of holiday recovery is especially important to me this year. I have maintained my hope. I have expressed my gratitude. I have the faith to believe that my dreams will come true in 2015. Heck, there is still some time in 2014, I might still have some milestones to achieve. Although, I have to admit, there have been some really huge milestones this year like the writing award I received in grad school, the TEDx talk, the graduation ceremony from grad school. While the jobs haven't panned out as I had hoped, I have the opportunity to learn some very valuable lessons. I will continue to have faith that things are the way they are because they are suppose to be. If I were to continue into a pity party, it's hard to see life that way.  So, I will keep my focus moving forward. I haven't been as consistent as I wanted to be this year, so I will working hard to be the person that makes me happy and content. I am not quite there, but I am getting better. I had lost some of consistency in the past few years because if stress and maybe some more persistent depression. I feel like this is making a turn in the right direction now. For that, I am extremely grateful.

So I am wishing all of my readers a very HAPPY THANKSGIVING! I wish you peace and serenity over this Thanksgiving weekend. Stay strong in your recovery and stay proud of all that you have accomplished with your recovery thus far. Not everyone gets the opportunity to live 

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