Testing Sobriety

Boy oh boy, it has been too long since I have posted a blog entry! It certainly isn't for a lack of things to stay, it has been more of getting used to a 40 hour work week and a commute that went from 8 miles to 50. Long days for sure.

I started off the year with a brand new job. THE Job. The "dream" job. Since my job offer in December of 2014, I have been trying to figure out how to get my license transferred from Minnesota to Wisconsin. I have to provide a few boring details about the difference here so you have an idea of what happened here. The IC&RC exam is a national test for drug and alcohol counselors. The test was created in order to have a more national standard and to help facilitate the transfer of credentials between the states. I took this test as a part of my licensing in Minnesota. Past that test in March 2014. Now, in MN, once we file for the application and it's accepted, we are good to go. No additional training hours of supervision are required. Be on your merry way. Independent practitioner. 

Wisconsin, on the other hand, requires supervised practice for up to three years depending on the level of education. Typically in Wisconsin, people do not take the IC&RC exam until they have complete their supervised hours. There is a tiered system - Substance Abuse Counselor - In Training, Substance Abuse Counselor and Clinical Substance Abuse Counselor. The fancier the title means the more hours of supervised practice that has been completed. 4,000 hours- 7000 hours - something like that.

Originally when I call Wisconsin to talk about license transfer, they indicated to me that if I had passed the IC&RC test, I should be able to just apply for the highest level of credentialing. I stated clearly that I do not have that number of supervised hours and was told - as long as I had passed the test, I was good to go. A classmate of mine (MR - I know you read this blog :) told me that he knew for a fact that this was not possible - I would need to come in on the in training level because of the supervised hours thing. I called back again - got the same message that I could. Called my future supervisor and she called the state and got the same message - apply for the highest level, you passed the test already. 

I attempted to get all the forms to get the highest level of licensure in WI and started to run into the issue with the IR&RC test results. Yes, I had passed the test. Yes, I was licensed in MN, but in order to have the reciprocity from MN to WI, MN requires an application for reciprocity certification that would then allow the transfer to WI. That certification required 6,000 hours of supervised practice. I kept telling everyone (I had started the job now....) I don't have this, they are not going to be able to process the application for the highest level. Mid-January, panic is starting to set in because my supervisors flat out told me they do not hire people at the in-training level and this was going to be a problem, a major one.

Well, WI, just like MN, takes forever to process the paperwork. It was three weeks before they even cashed the check. They had 20 days to respond, at which time they did and it still appeared to be processing. We are getting into mid-February now and the administrator is starting to get really irritated that this licensing issue is not resolved. I start throwing out the emails trying to figure out why I was told I could come in at a higher level without supervision. Nobody seemed to know why I was told this and my application was ultimately rejected on February 20th. I needed to apply for the lower level of licensure - the level that they don't hire at. 

OK, now we can get to the nitty gritty of testing my sobriety. Catchy title, I am aware, just had to give a good background so I can help you to understand my stress level. So, for 2 months, I am orienting to a job I am really happy at. I have these unbelievably awesome co-workers who are so skilled and so talented. I walk in each day feeling like I have been there my whole life and we just have a good time, getting things done. Is it perfect? Oh gosh no, but it is, by far, the best team environment I have ever been in. Mentorship, flexibility, kind hearts, genuinely happy people. In these two months, I had this constant nervousness I was carrying around because deep down, I knew that I was going to have my application rejected. What were they going to do with me then? Was I going to lose this job? The atmosphere was indicated I needed to be very nervous. When I would ask about it, I was met with near silence and heads hanging down. "We just don't know." 

On the 20th, I was told HR was now involved and there was a significant chance that I was going to need to start looking for a new job. The conversation was hinting at severance pay since none of this was really my fault. I did my due diligence with trying to get the license transferred. Apparently, I am the first person to transfer from MN to WI under these circumstances. Everyone, including me, assumed it was going to go through. Well, it didn't and it was a big problem. I was told, "On Monday, I will tell you for sure." That Friday, I packed up the few things in my office I brought in. I have purposely not brought things in because I feared I was not going to be able to stay. 

Monday came and went. The constant tossing and turning in my stomach was unbearable. No one could tell me anything. "No response" from the people who had the power to make the decision. I spent the whole weekend on the edge waiting for Monday. Monday - there was no answer. I called in sick on Tuesday because the pressure of waiting around in my office without an answer was too much to bear. I figured it would give them another day to get the answers. I was expecting my answer on Wednesday. I hadn't slept well. I was trying to hold it together. I was applying for new jobs. I was trying to decide whether I should sign another year lease, assuming I would return to working in MN somewhere in the metro area. I was doing some financial planning - thank God for a tax return because it was going to afford me the opportunity to have enough money for a short period to get a new job. 

I arrived to work on Wednesday. I must have looked like hell because all my coworkers told me that I was looking rough, no color in my face. I nearly ate a pen in our staffing meeting because I had so much nervous anxiety running through my veins. My clinical supervisor went to the administrator and said "You HAVE to tell her something. Look at her." I was told at 1pm (on Wednesday), you will have the answer. I sat in my office, alone, behind a closed door, trying to hold it together. 1:15, 1:30, 1:45 - I had to leave the building for court (my favorite Wednesday activity). I had resigned to the fact that I was, again, not going to know anything. 

Seriously, people, I was starting to lose it. The anxiety that I was feeling at this point is like nothing I can remember experiencing at any time in my sobriety. Even in the beginning when I was withdrawing, I don't remember it being this bad. I wanted this job so badly. I literally cannot imagine doing anything else. I was desolate looking at the want ads. Questioning if I should have ever done this.  Maybe God was telling me that I needed to go back to nursing. In fact, the first two applications I filled out were for LPN positions. The licensing thing was not my fault and it was relayed to me that I was not being held responsible for any of this. They remember me calling in to talk about the potential issues, I did what I should have done. Not one thing about this situation was in my control. 

I returned from court, beaten up, preparing for the remainder of my day to be in the unknown. Fortunately, the administrator came to talk with me. He was being cautious with the information he was telling me because he didn't want to set up any expectations. I respect him for that but it was killing me. He finally broke down and told me that there might be a solution but could only give me odds of 50-50 that this was going to happen. Well, I was at 2% on Monday, so I would gladly take 50-50 at this point. What needed to happen next was for me to be unavailable at the next staffing which was the following day. The staffing meeting would be to discuss with the other team members if they would be interested in shifting their responsibilities to accommodate me. There are certain things I can do and certain things I cannot do. I would need to take some of the things from them that I could do, and they would need to take the things I was suppose to do but now couldn't. I had very little doubt that this team was going to come out to support whatever needed to change. But I couldn't guarantee anything since it meant changing and maybe more work for them. 

I made myself unavailable. I started off the day at a meeting in Hudson and just stuck around until I knew the meeting was over. I returned to my office and sat, again, behind a closed door, this time fighting back tears. The pressure was just too much. I considered resigning in an effort to ease my discomfort. One of my coworkers let me know that I was OK to attend this next meeting. Their meeting was over, although the conversation in that meeting was about me and what this might mean. It would have been more comfortable to not have attended that meeting. It was making me realize the extent to which I was putting a wrench into things because of this licensing. I left on Thursday, knowing I had my team's support. However, when push came to shove, the only thing that really mattered was the bottom line. Because I would be limited in the scope of practice under this new license, would those limitation impede me from generating enough revenue to pay for my own position? I just didn't know the answer to that. Neither did anyone else. Let me tell you how weird it was to sit in that meeting and hear things like, "Well, if they let her stay...." and "If they have to let her go, then what?"

I had resigned to the fact that I would not know until early this week about my future. I arrived at work on Friday and started talking with my clinical supervisor. I had made a comment "well, hopefully, I will know something next week...." Our administrator has freaky hearing capabilities. He heard me say that I popped in to discuss where things were at. After several rounds of negotiations, the higher ups decided it was worth keeping me there. The cost of my limitations were "negligible" on the fiscal budget. The team agreed to the changes. I was fine with the assignment change. It was over. In 2 sentences, it was over. Being the counseling types, they both were asking me "how do you feel?" I expressed my deepest gratitude of course. "It was a dark time, for you, Julie. We could see it." To which my response was "it's because I want this job so badly. I would have been devastated to lose it. Especially when it had nothing to do with me. If I lost it because I suck or it's bad fit, that's one thing...." Dark, indeed.

During these 7 days of horror, I will admit, I was getting thirsty. That's the AA way of saying, I was thinking about it. Not only thinking about drinking, giving some serious consideration to returning. In the previous week, I was doing a presentation about relapse prevention - "When we start to glamorize previous use, we are in trouble. Play that scenario all the way through. What will you gain? Will things really get better? What happened the last time you picked up? Was it as awesome as you were really remembering it to be?" I started feeling anger welling up in me. One thing I did do was to connect with friends and family. I needed to stay connected. I could tell, however, that I was in a rotten place. I got so many positive, encouraging words and I just wanted to throw in the towel. Screw it, I'm done. I am stupid for even having tried this whole counseling thing....what's the point? I hate...I hate...I hate....Resentment breeds relapse, for sure.

I applaud my brave friends and family who flat out asked me - are you still sober? How are you doing? It's a hard question to ask. For me, though, I am so happy they asked. In the world of recovery, it is so easy to stay inside my head. I am thinking these things about relapsing, but knowing that I could never do it. I was in the stinkin' thinkin' mode. A drink wasn't going to make it any better. I was playing that tape all the way through. I wasn't going to throw it all away. But, I was thinking about it. It made me feel 1,000 times better when I said - OUT LOUD - to someone, "trust me, I have been thinking about it, but I have not." Saying it out loud takes the power out of those thoughts. It's like a balloon deflating. The pressure increases and increase.....I let it out, gone, just about that fast too. 

When I talked with an old classmate tonight, I think I summarized it well: "That was a true test of my sobriety. I can't think of another time since getting sober which was that stressful. I made it through - not terribly gracefully - but I made it." I tried to remind myself throughout that week that it was actually a blessing that it was taking so long because it meant they were trying to working something out. The easy answer would have been to just cut me loose. While I am eternally grateful for that now, in the moment, the stress was too much to take and all I could think of was resigning. If I resigned, I was done with counseling. If I was done with counseling, I could return to drinking. These are the thoughts of someone barrelling towards relapse. It's about not being able to deal with intense emotions. It's wanting them to stop, at any cost, and having them stop right now. Fortunately for me, all of this stayed only at the thought level. There were no actions taken. It was that intense for 7 days. Had it gone on for much longer though, it would have been harder and harder to stop the actions from coming. I did find, however, that once I had some information, some direction, instead of crawling on the ceiling, at least I was on the side wall now, just a few feet of of the ground. 

I had been carrying anxiety for several weeks leading up to my 7 days of torture. I think I did a decent job of trying to manage that stress, but it was hard to let it go. The AA/recovery slogans were being hurled at me from every direction - "Let go, Let God", "Turn it Over", "It's out of your control", " one day at a time". What I find so interesting - I didn't want to hear any of it. A little part of me was wishing I would just lose the job. Part of that would have been the relief of having an answer, but the other part of that was an addicted brain which had been triggered finding a weak moment to pop up. I was able to internalize some of those messages and they often pulled me back from the edge, whether I was willing to admit that during that time period or not. 

This week was a far cry from last week. Everything is in a much better place. I have to admit that I am still a little on-guard about the job.I have a small residual fear that something else might happen. I think that is general paranoia after coming off of such an intense situation. I don't think I will rest 100% comfortably until this new application is processed. I sent it off earlier this week. Lord know how long it will take to process this time around. I have been resting at least 95% comfortably now. So much improvement. 

I want to thank my family and friends for coming to the aide of a very disheveled Julie. Your support is one of the main reasons I got sober, stayed sober and want to continue to be sober. ...and being sober is everything to me

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