Stages of Relapse

It my new job I am doing a ton of program development in these first few weeks. I need to do seven weeks of relapse prevention counseling. At first I thought it was going to be difficult to fill that much time. Oh, low and behold, it is not that tough. There is a lot that goes into relapse preventions - mainy every single bit of recovery plus some.

One of the presentations that I put together was about cross addiction and the stages of relapse. I have been hearing for years that relapse starts happening long before the physical ingestion of drugs or alcohol takes place. In my heart, I believe this to be very true and the stories of relapse that have brought my clients back to treatment sound eerily similar. "I stopped doing all my recovery stuff." The hard part is knowing that you are headed down a path to relapse. As I mentioned in my previous blog, I was starting to head down that path. In my self-assessment, I was in stage 1 of 3 heading toward a relapse. Let's have a closer look at these stages.

STAGE 1 - The emotional relapse

In this stage, I was experiencing the re-emergence of some old alcoholic type behaviors. One being "scheming". Alcoholics and addicts are awesome at this. In all reality, if we were able to apply this "skill" in other areas of our lives, I bet we would be paid millions of dollars a year in a think tank for new ideas to avoid doing something or getting around things. I was scheming about my job for about 3 months. I was talking myself into a lot of different and ultimately unwanted behaviors in the work setting. I was coming in late, not going when I said I was going to go, not following through with what I said I was going to. I wasn't really getting in trouble for any of it, but in my heart, I felt like I was failing. I am not like that normally. I generally take my work very seriously and I like to excel here. I was letting myself down a lot.

Other behaviors that will resurface in this phase of relapse is defensiveness and irritability. I think I was involved in both of these really. I was defensive about things I didn't need to be defensive about. While there were other areas that I was being defensive because I knew I was in the wrong. I was just trying to lessen the blow. I had been very irritable - for about 4 months or so. About everything. I was looking my peace and serenity. I didn't really see it as such but it was happening right before my very eyes. 

STAGE 2 - The mental relapse

I think I was getting awful close to being in this stage. What was getting me really close, if not there, was thinking about the idea of relapsing. In my mind, I was weighing in the pros and cons of relapsing. I was thinking if I were to start drinking again, could I control it enough not to get caught and have to quit my job. My more reasonable mind stepped in all of the time saying - ".....and you what to be a hypocrite because?" and "you can't practice counseling for 2 YEARS if you go back to drinking" and "you want to just give up 4 years because you are feeling sorry for yourself?" Yes, my reasonable mind is pretty harsh, but that is exactly what I need to get past these ridiculous thought patterns.

Also in the mental relapse phase, we are looking to avoid most anything to so with recovery. We start opening old doors that open to the world we once dwelled in. Whether that is making contact with unhealthy people, place or things or opening the self-pity party door. In that party, almost anything justifies drinking. Bad hair day. Missed a green light. My cat pooped outside the litter box. You name it, I would drink to it. In the mental phase, we are preparing to drink. I would be looking out for liquor stores, looking at my budget or going to bars, but not necessarily drinking. I hadn't done any of these things, but it was moving in that direction fast.

STAGE 3 - Physical Relapse

The last and final stage is picking up the drink. While it seems to obvious when I write this stuff out that we would end up here, while I was in the midst of it, I had almost no clue. My addict mind was alive and willing to deceive. On a day like today, I am very strong again this deception, but when things are not going well or I no longer want to fight against it, deceptions reigns supreme. 

When I have a client walk me through the 6 months leading up to a relapse, it is so obvious to the both of us what happened here. Hindsight is 20-20 I guess. The struggle is to identify the relapse cycle while it is still in the emotional and/or mental relapse phases. It is not the easiest thing to see, truly. I think of my very first relapse out of treatment. I did all my homework before I graduated, I was feeling good. I was signed up for aftercare. Prior to my discharge date....I was given a list of suggestions. I poo-pooed all of those ideas (emotional relapse). I called my sponsor and went to 2 meetings instead of the 2-4 per week I should have been going to (mental relapse). I stopped going to aftercare after two meetings because of a conflict with another group member (mental relapse). I purchased a bottle of rum, then saw my therapist, saw my counselor from treatment, saw my psychiatrist and another recovery person. I said N-O-T-H-I-N-G about the bottle to any of those people (mental and physical). Oh, and I stopped taking my anti-depressant for a few days before that so "in case" I drank, I would have a headache (mental relapse). Finally, chug chug chug.....(physical). 

I often times don't think of this as a relapse cycle because I was sober for about 60 days. That was too quick to have any type of cycle going on. Ironically, I had started the relapse cycle after my first week of treatment. I avoided HPSP, I didn't reveal anything about certain feelings or thoughts I was having. I was going to all the meetings but I was only participating to a point. I was doing everything that people told me to do because I wanted to be a good little soldier and get my honorable discharge. I wanted to get the hell out and trying drinking again to see if I could control it this time. In hindsight, this is very easy to see when and where it all started. While I was in the moment, though, I was "blindsided" by my relapse and wondered how I went from feeling so good to feeling so bad in such a quick amount of time. I was very shaming to myself too. After all, I was the one who was asking for treatment and wanted things to change. Here I am, back in detox. I suck. 

In reality, that was not the situation at all. I was overly confident which happens to most people the first few times in treatment. I was only about 50% invested in changing. Recovery requires all or nothing - 100% or bust. I simply wasn't ready yet. My mind was clear of chemicals but not clear from addiction. Big difference. 

Looking back at the last year or so, I have been cooking various levels of relapse, always short of a physical relapse. I tell people what to do in early recovery to avoid situations like this. Even after 4 years of recovery, I still need to remind myself to take care of my recovery. I have been burning the candle at both ends for a while now. I am very much looking into settling into a stronger and healthier routine to support my recovery again. I am well on my today. I will be praying that tomorrow is the same.

Peace,

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