Power of Experience

I believe it was about 3 years ago, I was invited by my friend's daughter's school to come and speak about my careers for one of her classes. She was involved in a post-secondary program and the class was called "Investigating Medical Careers". She thought my transplant experience would be really interesting (which the students really do love). When she shared with her instructor that I also did substance abuse counseling, I was asked to speak on both topics. I believe I have now shared my experiences with both areas to about 8 or 9 different classes made up of 15-17 year old students.

It surprises me what the students are most interested in when I start to tell my story of lived experience with addiction. Some are really interested in what I lost and how I got my life back. I have several students that want to pick my brain about cannabis and legalization. I was back up there today and shared my story which resulted in A LOT of questions about mixing THC, alcohol and/or tobacco with anti-depressants. The #2 topic was the genetics of addiction and whether a person with a significant family history is making a choice to get addicted if they chose to use. For a bunch of 15 and 16 year old students, I was pretty blown away by our discussion today. Kids are smart these days.

I no longer prepare a presentation when I go to these classes. I just go in and talk. I figure the experience the students have had with addiction varies and I want them to let me know what they want to know. Three girls came to me after class and asked me if I would be willing to talk with them privately. We found a room and I got a glimpse into the life of 2 teenagers that are heading in a pretty concerning direction and a third whose life has been devastated by her whole family using. Her goal was to stay in this program with the technical college and start a career the minute she turns 18 and can move out. It dawned on me as I was speaking with them, that this interaction is what I had in mind when I thought about going back for addiction counseling/addiction education. The girls were straightforward, honest and had a lot fo self-concern. I talked with them about options and their goals. I heard one say as she was leaving "they need to get more people like her. She was awesome." 

I have a lot of knowledge of addiction both professionally and personally. In this venue, I share part of my story as it plays into how I transitioned from nursing to counseling. These kids could have cared less about my duties as a counselor, they wanted to know about addiction.. Sitting with those three girls was such a validating experience for me. I listened without judgement. They talked candidly about why they are not honest with adults about their use. They want to know why their own parents are the way they are. When I talk about people with addiction issues, I try to remain compassionate at all times. From my own experience, I hardly ever understood my own behavior. I just had this compulsion and very little would get in my way. I made rash decisions. I made hurtful decisions. I never wanted those decisions to burden anyone else even though they clearly did time after time. 

When I did my TedX talk back in 2014 about addiction after gastric bypass surgery, no one wanted to be seen with me during the intermissions. People would smile and say "nice job", but not come anywhere near me to discuss my topic......until I hit the parking lot. Suddenly, a car pulls up and they start telling me about their cousin that had gastric bypass surgery and she was a raging alcoholic. Another car pulls around the corner. I tried to wave them through and the driver pokes out his head "that's OK, we'll wait, we need to talk with you." I ended up having 6 cars full of people who desperately wanted more information about addiction and what to do with their friend or family member. I loved every minute of that. I am breaking down barriers. I am reducing stigma. I am proudly answering "Yup, me too" when it came to the question of a "person like you getting addicted? Really?" I want to offer my strength and hope. People are not helpless in those situation, they have decisions to make as well about they would like to address addiction in their lives. I don't want to be the one to tell them what to do. I offer out options and let them decide for themselves. 

I love public speaking with a passion. I am not afraid to say that I am really good at it too. I came across this talent in high school when I joined the speech team. I won award after award for my work in original oratory, picking totally random topics and convincing a room full of people I was right. Never underestimate the power of having a one sided conversation, ha! Since high school, I have dreamed of being a public speaker. It's my version of wanting to grow up and be a rock star. It wasn't until I got sober that I was able to find that passion again. This time, I found a topic that is both professionally and personally meaningful to me. I get the stigma. I experienced the breakdown of the behavioral health system. I got the whole "you, again?" response from the detox nurses. If shame worked, I would have been sober in my 20s instead of my 30s. I want to reduce stigma. I don't want people to feel ashamed for asking for help. I want people to feel empowered whatever their relation is to addiction.

What I gained in the field of counseling was an extra dose of approaching people with addiction in a compassionate manner. I have a lot of patience for the denial and the seemingly unending level of craziness. As I am transitioning out of direct counseling, I feel my desire burning again to be a public speaker/educator about addiction. On some level, I knew when I was going back to school that being an educator was more of my desire than counseling. There isn't really an "addictionology" degree out there. When I looked at PhD programs years ago, I noticed that there could be a concentration related to addiction in some of the fields. There was no program that specialized in addiction at that level. Most of the addiction concentrations were found in the public health realm (which I agree with actually); however, with a masters in counseling, a public health PhD is a big leap when applying. 

I didn't really plan to return to school. I had thought about it in the past and thought it was too much to go back all over again. I didn't know what I even wanted to do until about 2 month ago. It was at the suggestion of my therapist to at least look into it. I was excited when I found the school that I am attending now because it is designed for adult learners like me. They opt to give me credit for my other educational experience where other schools are not able to. While it is significantly more expensive than other schools, I could start immediately and get done with the RN degree in 14 months. That's worth the expense to me, not to mention the investment will pay for itself faster than any other degree I have earned to this point.

I decided to return and began talking with friends and family about the decision. When people would ask me what I planned to do with my RN after I am done, I really didn't have a solid answer. I took a chance and went with this decision feeling confident that going back to school and completing my nursing was the right thing to do. I start my job as a nurse (LPN) next week at a local treatment center. I have a feeling this whole path before me will be very clear once I get started there. I have always felt like there was a significant deficit in the understanding of addiction in the medical field. My nursing background coupled with degree in addiction specific counseling may be the combination I was missing. I see myself teaching continuing education credits. I see having in-services to talk about addiction in all medical populations. I see myself working in a behavioral health setting and bringing a lot of valuable experience to the table. Lastly, I see myself presenting/public speaking. I have no idea how that will actually play out, but I was provided with a few opportunities down the line (fall 2020) that might be part of the break I am looking for.

Today was a good day. 2020 is off to a quick and furious start. I have a lot of work ahead of me. Good thing that my motivation is slowly returning. I can do this. I want to do this. My life will be better for it. I thank all of you who have offered words of support as I make my newest and latest transition. I am leaving a lot behind in terms of friends, pay and benefits. I still remain steadfast in my belief that I will be taken care adequately and I will be on a better track for having gone this route. After months of feeling defeated, anxious and unhappy, I seemed to have found the light again, my passion, my calling or whatever. Speaking with the kids I did today, reminded me that I have a story with power. My story matters to me and I have always hoped that my story could be of value to others. I don't know that people go through hell for no reason. I was meant to do something with those experiences. I may have misunderstood the calling; however, in the world of recovery, "it all happened for a reason."

Peace Julie