Normies

I was reviewing my webpage tonight to make sure that all my links were still active. I read through my "About Me" page. It was a great reminder of why I am in this field today and why I want to continue my journey of recovery. There is simply a lot of work to do. If you have the opportunity to watch the Anonymous People, I highly recommend it. It's on Netflix. It perfectly illustrates many of the issues in the addiction/recovery world. We are not a unified movement. Treatment has barely changed in the past several decades. Our outcomes are poor, our models are antiquated and we have no voice.

I wrote a series of blogs about sober dating about a year ago, I think. I had never dated sober before. I had a boyfriend in my first two years of recovery but we had started dating a few years before I got sober, so I didn't have to do all the courtship piece, we were already together. Like most relationships when the addicted one gets sober, the relationship starts to fall on hard times. There are a lot of changes a person goes through. Not to mention, the sober person in the relationship got used to a certain role with the addict. That dynamic changes and relationships begin to struggle. That's not say people won't make it through, there is just a lot of healing that needs to happen. It takes a long time.

Dating sober has really brought to light some interesting things for me. I had talked with some individuals who freak out at the mere mention of addiction. I never hear back from them. If I told them I was cancer-free for 4 years, I doubt there would be the same reaction. Then I have the curious ones....they want to know what every last detail and then proceed to ask me exactly how they should act around me since I am an alcoholic. "Can I do this, can I do that? Can I talk about this? Can I go out with others and have a drink?" I appreciate the idea behind the lines of questions. I really do. They are trying to be sensitive to the needs I might have. In fact, if someone told me they were a gambling addict, I would ask them if there was a problem if I still hit the casino twice a year. However, this approach has been one of the areas of struggle for me with dating. I want them to be who they are. But there is a catch -a catch 22 even. If they drink in front of me, I get kinda pissed. Usually, if we get to the point of actually meeting up, I have shared parts of my stories, etc. Knowing the pain that alcohol has caused me, I get ticked off when they order a drink on the first date. It's hard to please me....it really is.

About 2 years ago, I was asked to challenge myself about my biases in recovery. I wrote a blog about it. I am totally intolerant of normal drinkers. I admit it. I know it. And it is making dating incredibly difficult. The alcoholic's #1 fantasy is the hope and dream that they can drink normally again. Many people including me relapse with this dream in our head. "Maybe this time!" I don't hate alcohol. I love it. I love it a lot. I love it too much. So it's like watching someone have an affair right in front of me on a first date. I still have that powerful of reaction to alcohol in my presence. I am not going to jump across the table and snatch it out of your hands, but I am certainly thinking about how much I would like to be joining you at that moment. Four years of recovery and I am still there. It's tough, but it's also something I have to be hyper-vigilant about because I am looking at my emotional relapse. Only 1 more phase after the emotional relapse and I will be drinking again.

In the recovery world, we refer to people who can use drugs and alcohol without problems "Normies". Normies can drink 2 sips of wine and walk away for 2 years. Normies can take it or leave it. Normies drive us nuts. We love you guys, don't get me wrong, we are just incredibly jealous about your ability to control your use. We also have difficulty communicating to you that we, the addicts, can't stop. You don't understand our compulsions to use, and we don't understand how you can stop. It keeps the addiction of stigma alive because we just stopped talking to each other. Addiction has always been a question of morality and willpower. Despite the tremendous amount of research showing that the addicts brain is different than that of a normie, it is still assumed that my alcoholism is a problem with my ability to institute a moral, strong self-will. You should see what happens when I let my self-will in this house! Alcoholic, depressed, lying, conning, cheating. Pardon me if I tell you that I gave my will over to my Higher Power. Every time my self-will is in the front seat, I drive into the ditch. 

Addiction is not a moral issue. It is a disease of the brain that acts out in a way that appears to be morally corrupt. I made bad choices when I was drinking. I put other people's lives at risk by drinking and driving. I put my own life at risk by drinking to a blackout. I lied to others about my behavior. I drove my mother insane with all of my drama around my use. I compromised the care of my patients by practicing hungover. Morally, these are horrible choice. In recovery, however, I haven't done a single one of these things because I won't choose to do them now that I am clean. I have a sick brain, there is no doubt about that. It is only sick when I am using and not following doctor's recommendations though. I work hard to follow through on this in recovery. What would you say about my morals now? Are they OK? Was I good enough to be considered for treatment? Because in the reality of our world today, I am just immoral degenerate incapable of making a good decision, right?

My fire for advocacy is burning right now. There are 40 million Americans suffering with addiction. 1 in 10 get treatment and not really great treatment to boot. Addiction affects anyone. Addicts are your neighbors, your co-workers, you kids, lawyers, doctors, bankers - you name the field or identity - there is a person in that arena that has struggled with addiction. I want to work in the area of advocacy in the worse way. When I start to talk about recovery in a social situation, the number of people I find that knows of one or more people struggling or have struggled themselves??? I can't tell you the number of people who have simply thanked me for not being too ashamed to speak about my struggles. This is why I got into the field. I want my voice to be heard and I want the voices of all addicts to be heard. I want people to understand "what is wrong" with us. The story goes far beyond making a stupid decision to drink every night. 

So, thank you for joining me on my little rant this evening. I am very fired up about the TEDx event on Saturday. I am going to have a larger platform to talk about addiction. It's the most exciting thing I have ever done i

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