Living Now

Image by John Hain from Pixabay 

Of all the lessons of recovery, I think the hardest one for me to continuously practice is "living in the moment". Part of it is the society that we live in. What's the next great thing? What more can I do? What do I need? What do I want? How do I get there? Some of it is just me. I don't know where or when I picked up the habit of either being stuck in the past or living so far in the future that I have almost no idea what's going on right now. During my drinking years, I was often tormented by the past and thinking there was no way to overcome that. In my years of sobriety, I have been oriented to the future. I need something to "look forward" to. I need some goal to be in progress to work towards. 

I have successfully finished my most recent degree. To go from an LPN to RN had been a goal since I enrolled in nursing school in 2002. I thought I would have done it by now, but life took some rather dramatic turns. Initially, upon graduating from school, I was newly married and we didn't have the money to have me not working and going to school full time. RN programs are generally not designed to do on a part-time basis. Everything tends to build from quarter/semester to quarter/semester. Not to mention, the clinical component (in more 'normal' times as it were) require at least a few days a week and we are at the mercy of those times and dates. Additionally, my drinking took off on a whole new level after I got married. Some of it was related to the marriage, but my drinking issues were well in place before that happened. In my alcoholic, young mind.....I got him. We are married. Now I can do whatever I want. When that didn't make me happy (marriage or the drinking), it just kept spirally downward. From my point of view, a failed marriage, failed relationship, and divorce was all validation that I was an unlovable person. No one would ever fight for me. I have to do this all on my own because no one will ever understand me. I am destine to be alone. Let me drink in peace, people. 

The first couple of years in sobriety was spent between my therapist and I tweezing through all of this core belief systems that promoted further self-destruction. Was I truly unlovable? Or had I shut myself off from that love because I was scared of it? Am I really alone? Or do I isolate myself to prevent myself from being vulnerable with others? Is my past, my future? Only if I don't desire any change in my life. Core belief systems are especially hard to change. These beliefs are often etched in concrete in the soul whether they are true or not. I feel like a lot of my beliefs were created internally by my understanding of the world around me. I believed that there was a certain way to do life and if I was not doing life that way, it meant I was a failure. I can't think of a time where I was really pressured to do much that wasn't for benefit of me or my family. I created this internal pressure to be and do something that wasn't me. When I didn't fit into that mold I had created, I lost my sense of purpose and drive. 

As I worked through understanding what core beliefs weren't supporting me as a person, it was time to look at the value system and figure out who I am. I understand that the "Who am I?" question is never really answered in a life time. Life changes as we age and experience life. We obviously can't plan every detail of our lives. In order to have some sense of sanity in this world, I think we all have to be adaptable to a certain degree. As a huge benefit, we can learn and understand more about the world and the people in our lives. When I was initially doing all of the work of connecting with myself in early recovery, I accidently took the new understanding of my value system and plugged that into my core belief system. The biggest issue with that is core beliefs don't tend to be flexible or adaptable. They are a hard and fast set of rules and understanding that guide my life and behavior. The later years of recovery have been focused on integrating what is of value and importance to me, along with allowing different ideas and understandings of life and the world into my life to help enhance what I experience daily. 

A core tenant for most recovery programs is learning to be present and live in the moment. As I mentioned earlier, it is so easy to be wrapped up in the past or the future. When I was leaving the county in 2020, I was very future oriented. I am now making a huge shift in my life. Working part-time, going back to school. I am going back to school to do the "next thing", although I had no idea what the next thing was. When I went back to school for my LPN, I was going to work as an LPN. I knew that. I was going to be a bedside nurse. Well, I think I had somewhere around 18 jobs in my first 5 years because I had no idea what I wanted. Did I want M-F, 8-5? Did I want to work nights? What was I capable of working given how sick I was? I floated from place to place until I go to transplant. I finally had a job that I was willing to get sober for because there was so much that I was struggling to do being as sick as I was (both mentally and physically). I got into treatment and into the HPSP program that was going to provide me with the external accountability I needed to stay on the right track. 

I was so excited in early recovery after the first year. The world was such a better place and my thinking was clearing up to value myself as a person. I was understanding how and why I was so sick. I was feeling empowered to take on recovery and succeed at it. Yet, I remained very future focused. What was I going to do next? I want a master's degree? I pushed and pushed and pushed myself to find a program. I thought I had found the most logical and most applicable master's program in the world when I went for addiction's counseling. While it is part of my journey and such now, I think had I not been so future oriented, I would have been able to figure out that I wasn't quite ready for that. I learned very quickly during the program that my recovery was not yet strong enough to be a clinical guidance for others. I made it work; however, my personal recovery suffered for several years because of it. I was no ill-intentioned or weak. I wanted to help others get into recovery because the last 2 years of my life were amazing! Everyone should have this opportunity!

It's has taken a little while since I left counseling to offer myself some forgiveness. I feel like I had pushed myself too fast into something that I didn't have as much passion for as I thought. I have a great deal of passion for recovery. In hindsight, I wanted to work in the area of advocacy and policy change. Being on the frontlines of addiction and recovery wore my soul thin and threatened my recovery. Honestly, as I was leaving the field, I felt like a fool. Here I had spent all this money to get a degree I don't even want to use anymore. I have this license I was so excited to get, but now can't stand working with it. What happened to me? I believe this whole situation was as a result of me being too future focused at a vulnerable time in my life. Once I realized that I might not have made the wisest choice, I was too far in and felt like I had to make it work because I made the decision to do it. 

When I decided to go back to school this time, I was pursuing a degree with a lot more options. I had a lot of experience in a lot of areas. I found it interesting when we would start a new class and the question would be, "what do you want to do with your degree?" I really didn't know. I had some ideas. What I think I learned from my last rotation in school, don't push it. Don't do something just "because". I may be good at behavioral health counseling, but that doesn't mean I have to be a behavioral health nurse. I have a lot of technical skills, that doesn't mean I have to work at a hospital. I gotta tell you all, I didn't like not being able to answer that question! For some reason, not having a clear path felt "wrong". Why am I doing this if I don't know what I want to do? I felt that drive to start pushing myself in some sort of direction. I even started to do it. 

I was so grateful that my Mom kept telling me not to do anything after I was done. I had a stable job. I liked what I was doing. I didn't need to apply for 198 jobs and take the first one that came along. I don't like turning down job offers. I found this when I was applying around in 2018 for a new job. I got a total of 8 offers and I hated turning them down. I felt "bad" for them doing all the work of making the offer and then not accepting. That is a me-thing. So I knew that I didn't want to go around applying because I would accept something that I probably wasn't 100% on board with right now. And again, there is nothing wrong with where I am working. My concern is that the job is quite physical in nature and I am getting older. 

So, I let it be. I have been continuing to work in homecare, which I like. My clients are great and we have fun together. I found myself being able to be present more. I don't worry about my work at all when I get home. I am busy planning time with friends and family which has been nothing but a joy. I think, for the first time in many years, I am living in the now. I am a person that becomes easily consumed by work - good or bad. I don't tend to have that issue where I am at right now. My shift ends when it ends. What a relief that has been! 

I had announced the starting of a very promising position next month. I am very excited about the opportunity and very grateful for being able to start out on an "on-call"/casual basis. It allows me to select my hours and retain the flexibility I have in homecare. I knew one of the areas that I was interested in was teaching. I figured that since I am technically a new grad RN right now that I would not able to work in that part of nursing just yet. Yet, here it is. I didn't force anything. I remained present and focused on living a life that recharges me. It's the best I have felt in years, honestly. So, when I scroll through social media and see postings about living in the moment, it is a nice reminder for me. I have experienced, in-depth and more than once, what life is like living for something that doesn't yet exist. The more I focus on what I think I "should" be doing or what I think life should look like, the more I am likely to miss out on what is right in front of me. I can't be busying chasing the future all the time. It's a life lesson I know, but need to be reminded of frequently!

Peace,
​J