Keep On, Keeping On

​Image by Bluehouse Skis from Pixabay 

The summer is quickly coming to a close. I am a few weeks away from finishing another quarter of school with one more quarter left. I have been thinking a lot about the plans for the future. What do I want to do once I get done with school? What do I see myself doing in the long-run? Basically, what do I want to do when I grow up? I have to admit that I have been searching for this "thing" for many years. I keep thinking I found the right place to work, the right career, the right school -- only to experience a few years of contentment and then a restlessness to make a change. I find this odd because, in general, I really don't care for change all that much! I like things to be consistent for the most part. I like stability. Yet, in the same moment, I feel bored with stability and find something to throw in my way to shake things up.

When I changed schools from 6th grade to 7th grade, I hated the change. I didn't "know" anything. I didn't feel competent to even find a classroom or my locker. What was I going to do about friends? I changed schools again from 8th grade to 9th grade. I was happy to get out of the school I was at. I loved my friends, but the administration at the time made a grave error with me and my family. During that year, my father was dying of cancer. I was in and out of school for his surgeries, trying to continue with figure skating training every day, with my family to keep some semblance of normalcy for me, When I decided (with the help of my sister) to change schools, the school I was in threatened to derail my admission by bringing up my attendance that year. That "talk" scared me so much that I went to school the day after my dad died because I thought I would be stuck there forever if I didn't. I was ready to go. 

The adjustment was hard again for many reasons. The weird thing is I have basically moved around in all sorts of ways since then. 11th grade I went abroad. College I went to Ohio, then went back to Germany. I returned to Minnesota only to move basically every year until 2004 and had probably a dozen or so jobs between 1999-2004. I decided to go back to school. By the last semester, I was ready to be done, but already wanted to go back. I worked another 12-15 jobs from 2005-2009. I stayed at 1 job for almost 3 years full time which was a miracle. Part of that was due to sobriety. This restlessness that I often feel was amplified when I was drinking. I needed/wanted to get away and start again. I had either done something stupid and wanted to get away or I was concerned that people were aware of my problems. 2010-2013 was probably the most stability employment wise. I got restless again and decided to go back to school. Again.

Two semesters in I was ready to be done. I had another year to go after that which I obviously finished. I started out in my "normal" way with having 4 jobs in less than a year before starting/staying at the county for 5 years. About 3 years in, I was restless again. I really tried to step back to see what the issue was for me. Do I get sick of working at places because of my job? The people? The clients/patients? My apparent ADHD when it comes to work? If you read my blog in late 2019, I did a lot of entries working through some of this. Is it the career? Is it the job? Is it me? I came to my conclusion that it was the a combination of the job and the career with 70% landing on the career side. It was worthwhile to work through this so I could make reasonable decisions moving forward. 

So began 2020.....I had 3 jobs (1 job is transplant that has been a consistent for the past 12 years), and I have 3 jobs in 2021. Oh, and school that seems to ramp up a notch every quarter in intensity. The transition from my last job to homecare was a lot more difficult than I had anticipated. I would have to say that it was all me. The agency I work for has been extremely flexible with my ever changing schedule. I enjoy caring for the clients they have selected for me. In the beginning, however, I felt this overwhelming sense of inadequacy. I was so very self-conscious. I started to get in this rut of "I don't want to work. Period. Ever." I wanted to call in sick to work which is a huge red flag that I am overwhelmed. Several months later, I am doing just fine. I know the clients are happy with services I am providing and I have been able to drop some of that self-consciousness. I was kinda ready to jump ship again because I was feeling uncomfortable. It was not the clients, it was not the agency, it wasn't the job. It was me thinking that I was terrible at what I was doing. I "assumed" things that were not true and kept replaying situations in my mind. Honestly, this was a huge reason I used to drink all the time. Alcohol gave me some confidence and ability to shed that insecurity for a minute.

Now I am on the cusp of making changes again. (Hopefully) I will be done with school at the end of the year and I will be taking the RN boards as quickly as possible. Getting my RN will open up a lot more doors for me in terms of pay and places to work. It is exciting to think about all the things I might be able to do. My plan, for now, is to just stick with what I am doing right now. I really like what I am doing right now and having some stability for a few months after school is done would be good for me. Even though I am wanting to be done, I am looking beyond thinking of what I am going to do next. Good, bad or otherwise, I still can't quite see what the end game is here. When I was going to substance abuse counseling, I saw myself in an educator role or some form of public speaking. I still kinda see the same thing with nursing. Nursing, mental health, and chemical health are intertwined for almost every patient on the planet. I can see teaching for sure. But there is something else that I am itching for and I can't quite pinpoint what that is. 

What is interesting for me is to look at this pattern of moving jobs, moving homes, moving states, moving schools, moving countries. For someone that gets anxious around change and takes some time to adapt to that change, I change things a lot. My therapist one told me that I need something to look forward to all the time. I usually have a trip or two planned so I have that to look forward to. However, when it comes to career life, I have a lot of motivation to make changes frequently, however, I am not sure what I am making all the changes for. Back to -- what's the endgame? Is it OK not to have an endgame? The US Department of Education would probably prefer I have an endgame so they don't have to keep helping me fund the next educational endeavor. In that regard, an endgame would be nice so I don't die with student loans that surpass my mortgage total. (I am already there, but I would like to pay some of that down so I owe more on my house than my degrees.) 

So, I guess the plan for now is to just keep on, keeping on. Finish school, take the boards, stay sober, keep up with my current job, keep up with therapy. Travel when it is safe to do so. Keep looking for ideas of jobs or career paths. Keep on working toward that endgame.....

Peace all,
​Julie