It's About A Spiritual Journey

I spent many years in this back and forth battle of "I don't want to give up what I am doing" and "I need to change everything about my life." I see people struggling with this every day, especially in my work setting where we are moving this way and that way with technology and changing processes and designs every other minute. 

I went to my orientation group for a mission trip that I will be participating in come January. I know, you are going to kill me when I say I will be in Honduras in the middle of January which tends to be the coldest week of the entire year. I volunteer with a group that helps support these missions and they were kind enough to invite me on their next trip as a "thank you" for working on their website for the past two and half years.

These meetings put me in a spot a little outside of my comfort zone. Ideologically, this group and I don't see eye to eye on a lot of things. I have to exercise my meditation skills from time to time when certain topics are brought up. Ironically, today, the pastor asked us to put a timeline together and my personal relationship with God. I had 5 minutes to present and about 5 minutes to put it together. It went something like this:

*Born and raised in the Catholic faith - baptized and confirmed at birth

*11 years of Catholic schooling

*Dad passed away at age 14 - very mad at God and the people who told me if I prayed and read the Bible, I would be OK. Well, his death was not an OK result in my book.

*Left and studied abroad two different times - experienced a lot of greatness but also a lot of depression. I was a certifiable alcohol at age 20 - drinking alone, not being able to stop, withdrawal, tolerance, etc.

*Met and married my husband in the Catholic church

*Divorced in 2007, fell apart, drank myself into oblivion for about another 3 years

*By the Grace of God, I had a moment of clarity - asked for help

*Committed to a spiritual solution and AA on 08/09/2010

*Every day I look and find how my God is present in my life 

*Now I am sitting in this church, with 20 other people prepping for an adventure of a life time.

When we broke out in the small groups, I was not really willing to share much about the drinking but when it comes down to my spiritual life, drinking has everything to do with it. I tried to banish God from my life even going as far as telling people I didn't believe. I always did, I just couldn't fathom how much hatred and anguish is in the world. If there was a God, he wouldn't let people suffer like this. In my first attempt to get sober, I tried to work every step, except the one in which I was to be working with my Higher Power to get and stay sober. I wanted to stay consistent with what I had told people about myself. I didn't want to come off as "religious" or preachy. I fought and fought and relapsed and relapsed. I was stilling trying to not believe but believe at the same time. Then my sponsor stepped in "what do you have to lose by trying your Higher Power for a while." I sat on that, relapsed again and landed in another 5 day detox. That, my friends, was God right there. It set off a chain of events that ultimately got me where I am today. It probably took another 2-4 months to really get into my spiritual self the way I needed to. While I was deciding on that, I had a lot of reasons to keep me in line until I figured out which foundation I wanted to build my recovery upon.

The pastor of our group was in my small group. She told us we could share what we wanted to and leave the rest. I thought for a second about whether or not I was going to say anything about my drinking. But really, to have the discussion about why I am here today I have to talk about it. We have been encouraged throughout these training groups to push ourselves. So, I took a chance and was met with a little bit of shock and a little bit of "oh, you're an alcoholic?" looks. Those people were the minority. It appeared that most people were quite enthralled with such a life of intensity. Turns out the pastor and I had some similar experiences, not necessarily with drinking but about walking a thin line not knowing which way to fall. Blaming God/Higher Power for all that was wrong in the world. We both stated we take time each morning to listen to what God has to say and let him take the wheel. We had a very nice talk at the end of the group. My assumption was that I am way different than these people, they are "religious" and I am spiritual. I believe in a Higher Power, they believe in Jesus and God. They talk political stances I don't. However, in this context at this time, we are just people who signed up to feel the power of help and connect on a spiritual level. Our reasons for being there are not that different. 

I am glad I took the chance. I am going to have a opportunity to run a men's AA group when I am down there. I am going to be running an information booth at the Health Fair about addiction. In step 3, I gave my will and life over to my Higher Power as I understood Him. Look at where I am at today....

XOXOXOX

Julie

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