Inspiration

Image by Tumisu from Pixabay

I feel like I am coming into a new phase of being. If you know me on a personal basis, it is very clear that I have devoted my life to a great extent to working. Since 2008, I have never had less than 2 jobs at any given time. Since 2017, I have held 3 jobs for a majority of these years. Also, if you know me personally, I talk incessantly about reducing my work hours and not going back to school. And just as often as I say that, I pick up another job, go back to school, and decide to work overtime. People don't believe me anymore when I say that is what I really want to do. I totally understand why. If recovery has taught me anything, actions speak louder than words.

For years I have been talking about this feeling that something bigger or better is missing in my life. I first starting to feel this way when I was contemplating what to do after several years in transplant nursing. I felt that I had hit the pinnacle of my LPN with this job. Nothing was going to be cooler than transplant. I wasn't going to be able to go anywhere without my RN or BSN within that specialty. That is when I decided that I needed to go back to school and get my masters (for the first time). That was a goal I had set for myself. Because of the timing related to my recovery, I felt a draw to help people in a different way than I was doing in nursing. It didn't take me very long to have a bit of buyer's remorse. I was on a high (no pun intended) of answering a calling I thought I heard. 

My decisions related to school are often quite impulsive. I see something that I feel drawn to and the way to get there is to get training. I did that with my LPN, MA in counseling, RN, and ultimately my MSN. It almost happened with me signing up for a doctorate program a few weeks ago. My cooler head prevailed and I am NOT going that route. The educational desire seems to quell that feeling of something bigger and better coming along. No doubt all my educational experiences have assisted with my career and being able to accomplish some pretty special things. Yet, five degrees and multiple jobs changes later, the itch is still there. When I hear U2 singing "and I still haven't found what I am looking for...." my heart aches a little bit feeling much like that for over 10 years.

My therapist is pushing me to find additional layers in my life that have absolutely nothing to do with school or my job. I am quite content with being a homecare nurse. My contract for teaching is coming to an end in a few weeks. I plan to pick up only two shifts a month with the third job for spending money over the summer. I know things that I do miss - hanging out with friends, spending time with my family, relaxing. Working up to 74 hours a week has prevented me from even entertaining the idea of any of that. In fact, I scheduled myself so insanely that between April 24th-May 12th, I have two days off. That was done totally by me. I don't know if I am beginning to feel my age, but I physically can't keep up with this pace and I am only 1/2 way through. 

When I think about building in more free time, I also wonder what I want to do. I am often very inspired by people who woke up one day and said "this is it. I am following my dream......" They throw caution to the wind, trust that everything will work out, and go for it. I have seen people open an animal sanctuary, move to Africa to teach small business management, sell everything and live in an RV travelling around the US, and so on. I see people volunteering at the animal shelters, homeless shelters, and doing 12th step work. 12th step work is helping out others who are struggling with addiction. People have done all sorts of things - bring meetings to the jail, treatment and detox centers, give rides to people wanting to go to a meeting, sponsoring others, leading a meeting, making the coffee, etc. The opportunities are quite endless. I feel inspired by all of it. Oddly, when I look at my own life, I feel like I am pretty average in a lot of ways. I am not as involved with AA as I used to be. I have no energy for much other activity in my life. I work and sleep. Not terribly inspiring by my standards.

I felt inspired in early recovery. I felt a drive to help the world in some way. It was like the sun was shining after years of darkness. I had so many ideas and hopes of making a difference. The pathways I have chosen to make this inspirational feeling become an inspirational reality haven't been the right ones. My pathways have always centered around my career advancement. I don't regret having all of this education and career experience. I have done some pretty cool things over the year. I think I have to admit some defeat, though. Figuring out what this missing link might be is most likely not career related. 

I love writing this blog. I love writing actually. I am looking to engage in this process in the near future. More than one person has told me that I should write a book. I'm not sure exactly what story I would tell, whether my own or a creative story. My own insecurities come about as I step toward this idea. I am working to tempering my expectations of myself. If I were to write a book, it doesn't need to be a New York List Bestseller. If 10 people read my book, that would be super cool. I also get a sense of being overwhelmed by having a fairly large number of ideas. I need that guidance to help me through that process. When I think about reaching out for help, I get a sense of fear. My writing as it is now is extremely personal to me. I don't take feedback about it very well. I want to learn how not to perceive constructive feedback as a personal attack. I can be defensive for sure. If you have experienced that from me, it's not pretty. I get mean and go on the offensive. I perseverate for days afterwards about the perceived "attack", eventually get to an understanding that it was feedback and not an attack. Then I will go for a couple of days beating myself up for reacting that way. Now I have conditioned myself to steer clear of situations I know would absolutely require feedback. Now the whole notion of writing a book had become part of my avoidance protocol. All things related to this topic are a work in progress.

I am also looking into classes that having nothing to do with nursing or addiction recovery. When I thought about what I would like to learn, sign language popped into my head. The client I work with communicates with sign language. I don't know a ton and our vocabulary is pretty limited since other communication techniques are available. When I watch people use sign language, I find it fascinating. I have a goal to at least check out a community education class and find some good kid's videos on YouTube to start my pursuit. I learned a lot of German back in the day by watching kid's TV. My German vocabulary in the the beginning was that of a 2-year old so learning colors and objects were quite helpful. Too bad Dora the Explorer in German wasn't available back then. I even sort of enjoyed watching it with my niece and nephew. 

So, I am still working on diversifying my life. It's a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I have been in a survival mode for quite some time, waiting for the other shoe to drop. With selling the house, my finances are the strongest they have ever been. There is no monetary need to work this much. I want other things in my life so I don't need to work this much to fill time I would rather not spend alone. I am finally getting to the realization that my career isn't the only thing that can provide some inspiration into my life. 

I hope everyone is well!
​Julie