Going Home Again

This past weekend, I went back to St. Cloud to meet up with a friend for lunch. I grew up in St. Cloud and made my move to the cities in 1999. I have a few friends and relatives still up in the area. When my mom moved out of St. Cloud, I stopped going back on any regular basis. 
 
I arrived on the early side, so I opted to drive around. That city has been on growth mode for about 25 years now. Every time I get back into town there are 100 new buildings, houses or business that have popped up since my visit. Nonetheless, I still know that place like the back of my hand. It is one the places on earth where I know how to get around but I couldn't tell you a street name. I don't need to know the street names, I know it all by sight!

As I was driving out of town, I stopped by my childhood home/neighborhood. It really doesn't change much. I drove past the cemetery where my Dad is buried. I had a pang of guilt. I thought about stopping, but I haven't been to cemetery since before I left for Melk, Austria in 1993. I haven't been back since, mainly because I have been incapable to dealing with the pain that brings up. This time around, I wasn't worried about experiencing emotion, I just couldn't remember where he was buried. I have a memory in my head of the view, but nothing beyond that. Anyway, I pray everyday and talk to my Dad. I don't always feel that visiting there would make me feel any closer. 

Today, I am in Wooster, Ohio. I went to college here. I left in 1999 and haven't been back since. Although I started drinking in high school, I solidified by alcoholism here. I particularly remember my senior year as being the time when I started drinking daily and alone. Both times when I came back from living abroad for a year, my transitions back into my previous life were very very difficult. Although I thought I was prepared for the return in college, I still had the same issues: the world had moved on without me. I felt very alone. Academically, I was writing my senior thesis which was ultimately 90 page paper written entirely in German. Impressive, given the fact that I was a near daily drinker at this point. I actually convinced myself that I spoke better German when I was drunk so in order to write this paper, I needed to be drunk in order to do it. I suppose on some level it worked, I got it done.

Anyway, my stomach has been in knots since I have been here. I am actually 100% triggered by being back here again. My time here was a time in which my alcohol use was "in control". It was when alcohol was fun. It was when alcohol provided happiness to me. I loved my time in college. I felt smart, pretty, confident. I had a lot of friends and really felt there were people I connect with here that made me feel like I was "normal". I struggled a lot with that "normal" thing in the school situation. I wasn't quite a nerd (at least in my mind), I certainly wasn't in the popular crowd. My friends tended to go either way and I often felt abandoned. College was different in that there were groups of people who got along. They may have fallen into a social "group" title. In general, there was always a group of people for a person to find. My sophomore year was probably by favorite year. I returned to campus with a group of friends and it expanded. 

My senior year was much harder. I still had connection to all of these people. I had made the decision to go back to Minnesota after graduation. As I tended to do, I was living in the future and had "moved" home in my mind in December. I failed to enjoy the remaining time with my friends and firebombed some of those relationships on my way out as a way of showing my pain. Distance and time made those relationships harder to maintain.

So, I am back here again for a very exciting event. I am very happy to be here and I certainly hope that some of the butterflies in my stomach are related to the excitement of the event which I am sure it is. I arrived in town last night. This town is on the same growth trajectory of St. Cloud. I recognized some of staples that were still alive and well. My plan is wander around the campus this afternoon and see what has changed here. Probably security for one. I doubt I will be able to wander around like I used to be able to. As I drove down the "main drag" of the college, I was just flooded with memories, both good and bad - mainly good. Just feels a little surreal to be back here again. It's been 15 years. 19 years ago I walked on campus! 20 years ago, I found the place! If anything, it is making feel a little old :)

I am very excited to be here right now. I am just aware of feeling very triggered while being here. There is something about "going home". Hopefully there is something reconciling the past. Both with St. Cloud and with Wooster, I have both very positive and very negative memories. In my old black and white thinking, I was incapable of understanding that both can coexist in the same space. I can feel both happy and sad, excited and disappointed; I can have a sense of pride and moment of terror!! So, I am sitting back in a place that has a lot of emotion for me. I am happy to be at home again, if only for a couple of day. This was my home for 3 years. I ate, slept and lived here. It was a much simpler time. Life was less complicated, although at the time, I was convinced it was VERY complicated. 

After my talk is down, I will be sure to post a blog talking about some of the research on my topic. It is truly fascinating. 

Julie

---