Expectations

I cringe when I see that it's been over 6 weeks since I published something on my blog. For those of you who know me, I always have a lot to say. Not to mention, this blog is part of my therapeutic process. (I can't say self-care anymore without wanting to scream at the top of my lungs thanks to a previous employer.) I haven't had a lot of time of energy of recent to sit down a write. Mainly, school sucked up a whole bunch of time and energy. With an average of 10-15 pages of writing due per week on topics that took me forever to research, coming up with my daily thoughts of the day was pretty hard. It would have sounded something like this: "School is hard. Work has its moments. I am tired. Be well." Not really my style.....

So, what's been going on. I finally finished up this quarter which was the most intense quarter yet. The previous quarters were more about my generals and I think I got a little too comfortable in thinking that this whole RN thing was going to be a little easier since I have been in the field for so long. Well, one my first recovery lessons got flung back in my face: "You don't know everything, kid." While my pride hurts a little bit, that was an awful big assumption on my part. So, lesson learned. RNs are some of the smartest people I know. And now I know why - they have to and do know EVERYTHING. Maybe some day I will get there. For now, I have 4 more quarters until graduation. I'll give it my all.

Work is work. I still like evenings a lot. I have some really great co-workers. A few days ago, I was having a chat with one of our counselors. It was interesting to hear my words coming out of her mouth. She will be moving on from counseling at some point into other ways to deal with people and addiction. She is going for the social work/case management route while I chose behavioral health nursing. Our reasons for moving on were so similar. The trauma of working with people with extreme trauma is extreme. The support of the counselors and the management can only go so far. And it doesn't always matter if you are the king/queen of self-care (screaming). I, as a human being, can only handle so much before my world view gets distorted and lose hope for anything good in life. Nursing allowed that better separation and I hope for her, social work gives her some peace as well. 

What's been rolling around in my mind for the past 6 weeks is the concept of expectations. I carry high expectations for myself. I need to be striving for something or learning something new. I get exceedingly bored otherwise. I need some level of "too much" in my life which I have done for many years. Working three jobs at one, picking up one to many shifts, throwing in a job change and school all at once. I think I thrive off of the adrenaline I get from it all. And, when I am done, I can look back and say, "man, look at what I was capable of." I am getting older now and that adrenaline doesn't seem as ample as it once was. So, I am doing my best to not "lower" the expectations for myself, rather get them back into a reasonable place. I still fight that I am lowering my expectations which I honestly can't stand the idea of doing.

I have had the expectation conversation with so many people. "Would you expect your brother/sister/best friend/child to do that you are expecting yourself to do?" Very. very rarely do I ever hear someone say "Heck yeah! I expect my kid to work 65 hours a week and go to school!" We put such pressures on ourselves to have nice things, to be the best at work, to earn a lot of money, to have perfect kids, to have buying power, to be the most popular. It just goes on and on. I push myself to be perfect at my job (ugh) and I push the expectation that I am 43 years old and I still don't have it together. I am back in school again. I better figure this out now, because there is no way I can afford to or want to return to school after this round. (Famous last words, by the way, I said the same thing after I completed my masters.) Anyway, I have a really loud inner critic about not having life together and having wasted the better part of 15 years being in a drunken haze. I feel compelled and driven to do more things because of the wasted years. Sadly, adding activities doesn't always mean adding happiness.

I have odd expectations of others too. I get into some trouble with relationships because of these expectations. I would consider myself to be pretty intuitive and can usually find something encouraging to say to someone in distress. Or be silent with a person to let them know that I am there in the ways that I can be. I just can't solve all the problems. So, when it comes to people asking about me, I will change the subject. And shortly thereafter complain that no one is hearing me. Well, I am not talking, so there is that. I fear vulnerability. Oddly, I can sit here and pour my heart out and not think anything of it. Even my best of friends, I will still flip the conversation back to them. I can't show anyone rust in my armor. Additionally, I get in the bad habit of comparing. My problems (and I am not minimizing here) are quite tame to what others have going on. I am able to plod along with the external world in chaos. I have enough money. I have enough work hours. I am passing my classes. Why should I talk about things that are more along the lines of an existential crisis versus a concrete "something needs to change now" problem? It feels cheap on my end and honestly not anything I would worry other people about. 

An existential crisis, I am coming to believe, is my version of a mid-life crisis. I have all the stuff again. I have a house, I have my kittens, working on another degree, working full time, got a car, got friends.....yet in all of this amazingness, I feel like something is missing. Please don't tell me a romantic relationship. Folks, I have really given it all legitimate tries over the past 10 years. Once over the initial "oh wow, someone is paying attention to me," phase, I hate it. I feel confined. I feel like I have to answer to someone. I feel like I have to justify my decisions. I dislike feeling the need to be available on whim. I plan my life out to create structure for myself. Without it, trouble in on the horizon. I have tried dating people in recovery, not in recovery. My recovery, in either case, becomes a problem. Either they need/want to drink all the time or I am not doing recovery correctly. I will not be judged about my recovery. Ever. (Are you hearing the expectations here too? I know....I know....)

OK, back to the topic. I am missing something. I know for one thing I am missing being around people and family. Everyone is experiencing that on some level or another. Pandemic life. Ugh. If it weren't for my friends at work, I would have likely not survived this pandemic. Seriously. Is it work dissatisfaction? I don't think so. I have much less responsibility where I am at now. I don't worry much about working when I leave. The facility is staffed 24/7 which means when I leave, the work is picked up by my team and not just me. Underlying all of this, I feel is some fear. But I don't know of what. I will admit that I avoided going back for my RN because I didn't think I could. This education is tough and requires a lot of effort. I always took the path of lesser resistance and chose things that were easy for me. Yeah, my master's was easy. And I chose where I did because I didn't have to take the GREs. I am resourceful, no doubt. So, I oddly have high and really low expectations of myself. I fear failure more than anything. Part of that keeps me sober, but certainly not the main reason. I short change myself on things I am really interested in because I think it will take more work than I want to put in. Or, let's be real, I want it to come easily because most things do come easily for me and who doesn't want that? Well, apparently me at this point. 

Other than 2020 being one disaster after another, I would have to say there way more good things in my life these days. That's why this existential crisis is so annoying. I wasn't expecting it. I took a leap and did something huge at the beginning of the year. For all intents and purposes, it is working out swimmingly. I have health insurance. I am adequately financed for school and life. I am not over working (well maybe a few times). I like the people I work with. I like where I live. I do get to socially distance see my family. I am fortunate. I know that. And hence why I don't tend to say much to others about the struggles I some times face. Annoying things have happened like injuring my foot again, getting identity-thefted (again) this year, ongoing battle, although better, with health, loss of my kitten, almost the loss of the other one, etc. etc. With all that is going on in the world, my inner expectations tell me to suck it up. Shit happens. You can't change any of it, so, move on. Part of me just wants to feel bad for a minute and have someone give me a hug. I don't let people in far enough to let them know I need one. 

As my therapist tells me....I stand in my own way. A lot. There are things I will jump into head first because I have the expectation that it will be successful. Where the good stuff is that I would really like to do, well, it's around. I just panic at the idea that it might not work out. That whole "is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all"? So, I am going to leave it here tonight. I have a few weeks off and I am resting by foot for the next week. I got nothing but time to write and reflect. 

Hope everyone is hanging in there!!
Lots of Love,
​J