Dreams

It's been a few weeks since school started, and, as always, I am now in the swing of the quarter routine. I am feeling good about dropping one class. It has made life so much less stressful. One class does feel a little weird after having taken 3 or more classes each quarter since I started. Alas, there is no sense in killing myself to get this degree down. While I have worked crazy hours before and days without sleep, I am getting a little older now, and it takes 2-3 days to bounce back from schedules like that. So, all in all, a right decision for this quarter. 

I have to say that life is going well right now. I am happy with my job. My only real issue would be the commute, but I knew what it was before accepting the position. And, if the commute is my big complaint? Well, that's pretty darn good. I have friendly co-workers and patients. I am into the routine here and have some time here and there to get my reading done for school. I adore being on nights. I don't know exactly why, but it just works for me. 

For the past several weeks, I have had some really annoying dreams. I wouldn't say nightmares; however, when I wake up, I am thinking, "what the hell was that all about?" Last night, I had a using dream and a pretty clear cut one. I was back in college. Everyone seemed to know that I shouldn't be drinking. I mixed a drink and, in my dream, felt that buzz. I started to act the way I acted when I was drinking, which could be fun or maybe not. People were M-A-D at me, and I started to deny that I was using and found other people who didn't care. Then I was attempting to figure out if I had really drunk or not. I was trying to remember where I was when I mixed that drink. It was like a dream within a dream. I kept thinking, "10 years down the drain." I woke up and was pretty glad it was all a dream. 

The second dream has been reoccurring for a couple of years now. I have a dream that I get back together with my ex-husband. I hid it from my family and tried to figure out a way to tell them. I have a discussion with him about his wife and kids (current) and try to figure out how I would negotiate that. In real life, just for some background, the last time I spoke/saw my ex-husband was in 2008. I hear a little bit now and again via the rumor mill. Most people know to not bother mentioning him to me because I legitimately don't care. He has moved on; I have moved on. We haven't been financially entwined since I let the condo in Minneapolis go in 2010. So, it has terribly annoying to me that I keep having these dreams that he comes back to me, and even more annoying is that I take him back! That feeling of hiding things from my family is what makes me cringe. I did so many years of that. I avoid doing anything like that now.

I believe that dreams mean something. I have talked to my Dad in my dreams. I lost a friend years ago that has come back around to let me know he is OK. I have mostly "normal" dreams, most of which I barely remember. When I dream about tornados, I know that my life is in chaos, and I am denying it. I once had a dream that I was in a plane crash, literally in the cockpit watching us hit the ground. I take these dreams seriously because it usually means something is not going well. Using dreams, I have maintained throughout the years of having them, is "addiction's last stand." When I am doing well, feeling well, taking care of things, etc., addiction is not all that active in my day to day life. Addiction pops out in a dream just to remind me it's still there and available should I feel the need. Oddly, I have more using dreams when I am doing well. I still find them terribly annoying. However, if I am right and addiction can only figure out a way to be active there, I take that as I sign I am quashing addiction while I am awake. 

The using dreams that I have when things are not going well were very different. I was using alcohol in my dreams as a way of avoiding what I was doing in my day today. The last one I remember before I left the county, I drank all night and was so excited to call into work "drunk." I was thinking, in my dream, that I would lose my ability to practice and I wouldn't have to go back again. The only problem with that plan is nursing would also be off-limits, and lest I forget, I am drinking again. In the event of relapse for me, it will not be good. I can't say it won't happen. I work hard and stay mindful so it doesn't. I was knocking on death's door when I got sober 10 years ago. I believe I would pick up right where I started and accelerate into full-blown chaos. I would hide from my family and friends. I would make super irrational decisions and move. Who knows? Honestly, I don't want to know. It would be bad, so if I am excited about in my dreams? That's a problem. The dream I had last night, I was mad that I was drinking, although exhibiting from of my drinking behaviors. 

The ex-husband dream I haven't really figured out. There was another significant relationship in my life that I actually miss. I would think if I were to dream about getting back together with anyone, it would be him. Oddly, he has never surfaced in my dreams. That's probably a whole other blog entry on why I think that is. Anyway, the ex-husband keeps showing up. The only thing that comes to mind is some unresolved things I wish I could have said or feel I need to say. Maybe I still have some unanswered questions. One thing I can say for sure is that it took several years to come to grips with accepting that my drinking, my behavior, and my depression all played a role in our divorce. He was not 100% responsible for all of it, and neither was I. I spent the first 5 years post-divorce letting anyone listen that it was 100% him and I was totally perfect. I don't think that is very abnormal; a little self-preservation, if you will. It was a hard pill to swallow. I am past that, though. When I talk about my divorce, I talked about how sick I was during the marriage, and he didn't know what to do. We both were excellent at avoidant behavior. He had his own things he was working through. No way could I be a supportive partner; I was a total mess. 

I don't feel a need to reach out to him in any way either. It's been 13+ years. In the amends steps, it states to make amends where ever possible except when to do so would cause harm to yourself or the other person. We were both different people. I have forgiven him and accepted my role. I really don't think he would like me to resurface in his life and talk about that time in his life. However, I could be wrong; the last correspondence we had was vicious, angry, sarcastic, and rude. If he wanted to make amends for that, he would have by now. I sort of feel the same way about that relationship now. I was a different person then. I am a different person now. I would not have likely gotten involved with him if I were more of the person I am today back then. When he married me, he knew my level of drinking. I think had he not believed what I told him about my drinking and took it at face value, he would not have wanted a relationship with me. I was just an extension of his dysfunctional family at that point. 

So, I don't know what the meaning of this reoccurring dream is all about. All I know is that when I do wake up, I am relieved it is a dream. The feelings I have in these dreams about lying to my family is a huge reminder to me about the love and respect I have for my family now. When I wake up, I also think about the authenticity I live in today. If I were to return to that relationship, I feel like I would go back to that time and start trying to be the person he would want to be with, sober or not. Everyone changes over time. Maybe I want to show off who I am now? Maybe I want him to see that I did get sober for real? I do have that side of me as well. At least in my dreams, I am very bossy and directive about what I want out of that relationship. The bad part, though, regardless of that, I am hiding from my family. So, who knows?

So, life continues to move forward. That's about all I can wish for!

​Jules