Digging Out

Being from MN and all, I imagine when I write about digging out, this picture is what most people will assume I will be talking about. I get it; there has been some snowfall this year! Fortunately, I am participating in another kind of digging out that is just as important as cleaning the sidewalks for my neighbors.

After I broke my foot in the summer of 2018, life just never got back to what I would consider "normal" for me. Prior to that accident, I was motivated and tearing around town to get stuff done—grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, shopping, meeting up with friends, crafting, etc. Unless my memory is failing me, I was decently active for the first few years of my job in counseling. I honestly feel like I never really rebounded until just recently. Yep, three years to get back to some level of my normal. That's not to say there were not good and decent times in those three years. I really feel like I lost something starting in mid-2018. 

I had just moved into my place, which I totally love. My only complaint would be is that I am on the wrong side of town. Most of my life has been centered around Minneapolis and the western suburbs. My AA homegroup, my family, my friends, and now even my job. I bought on the east side because I didn't have plans of leaving my job in WI when I purchased it. The location was still in MN, the town was nice, the space is excellent, and there was no reason not to! Except that everything changed. Of course. I had high levels of motivation to get my things organized and renovate my place. I started very strong and eventually petered out after I broke my foot. It was almost a year before I touched any of the projects in my house, even though 2 hours of work would get these things completed. 

For the remainder of 2018 and the whole of 2019, I felt like I was in survival mode. I was getting just enough done in my life to stay afloat. I ate out a lot, rarely kept food around. I made it to therapy at least regularly, which was a lifeline for my survival. I'll just say it, I let things go. I let myself go. I stopped caring. My house is a mess. My finances were stressful. My job was going super poorly. The only thing I felt like doing was crawling into my bed and hiding from the world. I did just that. I felt like that was the only thing I could do to keep moving. Not even moving forward, just moving. It was not a terribly successful plan, but I did get through. 

I had some very renewed hope for 2020. The job change was beneficial, and school is really my happy place, no matter the chaos. I felt like 2020 was my year of just breathing. There were stressors with my job, and I felt that slip back to 2019, back in bed hiding. Finally, in the latter part of 2020, life started to lighten up a bit. 2020 definitely started the rebound back to my normal-ish life. The pandemic threw a wrench into an otherwise good recovery. I really missed my family. I missed my social events. I missed the holidays and birthday parties. I think 2020 could have been a better year for a rebound if I hadn't become so isolated. Fortunately for me, I did work for all of 2020, and it made a huge difference to me. I was happy to work outside of my home. I had fun coworkers to hang out with and talk to. 

Now in the 3rd month of 2021, I feel like the next phase of recovery is beginning. I have started cleaning more regularly. I started doing my laundry long before I am out of everything. I have purchased groceries for over one month without eating out. While this sounds like something normal people do, I stopped grocery shopping for almost all of 2019 and part of 2020 because it was easier to just purchase something on the run. I am sorry to say that I have only cooked maybe 3 meals in my home (other than the microwave) since I moved in. Apparently, when I go into survival mode, everything is out of the window. My spending was out of control which, of course, resulted in more stress. It's not the type of financial situation where I would default on my bills; I was just spending outside of my budget and running out of money before I should have, accessing saving more than I should have been. 

So, right now, I am working on digging myself out of the mess my avoidance has caused. I am not hard on myself for avoiding what I did. I did what I needed to do to get through my last year at the county. I did what I needed to do to allow myself some time to get my bearings back. I do get a little frustrated at myself and when I start diving into organizing and cleaning. "Why did I let this go so long? I should have done this when I moved in....." It doesn't do any good. It doesn't change anything. This week, as I was starting to do my dishes and organize some paperwork, I told myself, "I am getting better." That actually felt kinda good. I didn't get all of my chores done, but "I am doing better" than I was a year ago. I am actually engaging. 

Avoidance is a difficult one for me. It's easy to just avoid and avoid. Now, I am in the thick of digging out of a couple of years of avoidance. I am taking charge of my diet and exercise. I am regularly doing dishes and laundry again. I am going grocery shopping at least weekly. I am drinking more water. I am getting my homework done several days before it's due. I allow myself some time to just do nothing. I also kick myself into gear to get something done every day. This is how my life used to run. I've missed it. My finances are back on track now, with only a limited need for loans to cover expenses. I have made it to work every day accept for one since I started. I am also on time, thank you very much. I am, right now, more in compliance with my own value system than I have been in probably 3-5 years. It really does feel good. 

What I have learned is that my job will always play a vital role in my overall mood and functioning. I don't think I am alone with that. Our jobs are a good chunk of our lives, whether we like it or not. I will never be a person who works just to pay the bills. I have proven over and over again that I need to have a level of value to my work. Also, I need a functional environment. I am currently in a highly functional environment, and it honestly feels sort of strange - good strange. Work is going just fine. There are issues here and there; no perfect work environment really exists; however, the "issues" are honestly minor things. Overall, we are a strong team of folks that work at my house, and these guys are well taken care of. Every person I work with cares. I care too. It's a good fit.

I have about 9 months left of school. As I look at school and beyond, I really need to pay attention to my work life. I am hoping to have a little less of a "work-life," meaning working 40 hours or less per week instead of 3 jobs, 100+ hours/week. I would like to have 2 part-time jobs if I could. Work 30 hours a week at one and a day or two a week at the other. I don't know what that will all look like, but I have some ideas. Being a nurse is a great source of pride for me. I feel like I am part of a team of people who are like me. We work hard, and we also play hard. I need to get that "play" thing back into my life. It's coming.....hopefully soon.

I hope everyone is enjoying our spring-like weather!!
​Jules