Decisions

I saw my therapist last week after not seeing him for about 2 months. It felt kinda weird to go so long without an appointment. I just haven't really needed one for a while! How nice it is to be able to say that. The first time I ever saw a therapist was in 2005. I saw that person at the request of my now ex-husband to have an alcohol screen completed. Yeah. I lied—a lot. Once I got the sign off on being a 'normal drinker," I wouldn't see anyone until 2007. A met with a really nice woman. She wasn't a great fit for me at that time, and I lied—a lot. I really wasn't ready to do the work I needed to do. At that point, I was just seeking someone to validate me and tell me I was great. 

I was seeing some when I entered treatment in 2010. Again, she was really nice. What I needed at that time, though, was someone to push me a bit and get me out of rampant self-pity. When I started the intensive outpatient later that year, I met Mary. Mary was my DBT therapist. She had an edge to her. I met her when she taught my first DBT group that was part of my treatment program. She talked frankly about radical acceptance. "Acceptance doesn't mean you like it or approve of it. When you accept something, you stop digging the hole." I was mesmerized by her. I waited at the end of that first group while she was making some appointments with people that were further along than me. I was nervous, like I was going to ask her out on a date or something! I said, "I want to do the full program of this." She explained the full class and the therapy requirement, which was meeting weekly for the 15-month program. "Can I do that with you?" "Yeah, I have openings." I was so sure she was going to tell me no! I was so excited.

She was exactly what I needed at that time in my life. She pushed me to be honest. She pushed me to be vulnerable. She did roleplaying with me to practice skills. In ways, I feel like I owe her my life. Our time came to an end when my insurance would no longer allow me to see her. I was so devastated. I tried working with one of her co-workers, but it wasn't a good fit. I saw her until 2014. I decided to head back to counseling in late 2015. I was struggling with work, and things weren't going super well. I found myself having super high anxiety again. I was paired with, again, a very nice woman with a DBT background. She wasn't Mary, though, and I held her to that standard, which wasn't fair to her. After about 6 months, she transferred to a new office and referred me to Joe. I have been seeing him ever since.

I was nervous that working with a male wasn't going to be a good choice for me. Joe has a background in DBT as well, which I like. I love those skills, and I like being reminded to use them to get through my days. The type of therapy that I needed from Joe was different than what I was going through with Mary. Mary helped me to get sober and find some happiness in life. She pushed me to find my value system and be more mindful. She taught me to calm my mind and let anxiety melt away. What I was experienced at the time I started seeing Joe was more of an existential crisis. I was far into my recovery, and I felt I had that pretty well figured out. I was a decent counselor, and I tried my best to do good work. I was feeling lost, overwhelmed, depressed, and targeted by upper management. What Joe offered during that time was a realistic view of my experience. About 80% of the really just validated. There were things going on that were just hard to deal with, and no, I wasn't crazy. I shouldn't be treated that way.

The other 20% was trying to step back from the emotional response and see if I was interpreting certain situations further than they needed to be. I appreciated that part. I need someone to be able to push me. During one session, he told me that I was really defensive. Oh, he got the stare, and I completely shut down on him. When I returned, he commented that he wasn't sure if I was going to come back. "Oh, that's just me. You hit a sore spot. I needed to hear it. When I get that mad, I know there is something going on. I took the week to think about it, and, yes, I can be defensive. What can I do about it?" Once we got past that, the therapeutic relationship worked (does work) well for us. I trust to ask him questions that I am pretty sure I am not going to like the answer to. He knows that he can push, and if I do shut down, I am thinking and processing. He doesn't worry anymore that he broke me! Ha!

He was a constant as I was trying to decide what to do about my future. He was the one who really helped me to drill down to what I really wanted. I had made a flippant comment about getting my RN done. "I should have done that instead of my master's. But here we are." Well, then the flood of questions about wanting my RN, with the last one being "is there a reason that you can't?" Oh, I gave him 10 or 15 reasons. He didn't think any of those were all that strong. Then we went down the rabbit hole of what life might look like with an RN. I was hooked. I love school. I really do. I just thought about the expense, how hard it would be, do I want to, am I getting too old for this? Fast forward one year from all that doubt, I haven't been this happy in a long time. 

So, I got Joe all caught up on life. School is chaotic and good. I am on the Dean's List, so I guess I can do it. I got my new job and have been there for almost 4 months now. I love it. The company has been very wonderful to me in ways that I haven't really experienced before. My co-workers are nice. The clients are fun (although I work nights, so they sleep most of my shift). I am able to study a little bit here and there. I am happy to be doing technical nursing again. The last time I liked something this much was when I was teaching at Argosy. I loved teaching skills and basic medical concepts. In just a few short months at this facility, I have a long game in play to get back to teaching at some point. I will need some more experience as an RN. However, all these years as an LPN has afforded me a lot of experience, especially with transplant that seems to touch just about every area of medicine. 

I talked about my decision to slow down schooling because too many things were in conflict schedule-wise. He smiled and jotted a note. "Ok, what?" I ask. He reminded me that decisions were not easy for me to make. A little over a year ago, I had lost my confidence. I didn't know which way to turn. One day I decided I was going to stay in counseling. The next day, I would want to quit. I was nervous to actually make a decision because I would have to deal with the fallout from it. I struggled to work at the treatment center starting in the fall of 2020. The shift in management also shifted priorities. I was feeling like a failure for leaving this job after only 10 months. While my confidence was better, it was easily knocked down. Now that my environment is much more calm and predictable, my confidence is back. I took a step back from all the chaos of the new quarter and made a decision. I am dropping a class. I didn't think about anyone's specific opinions. I knew what my needs were and how to best meet them. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to my confidence returning to "baseline". I don't feel the need to have 20 people validate me before making a decision I know is the best for me. I appreciate input, no doubt, and mentioned it to a few people who thought my process was sound. Joe was glad to see it. He hasn't seen that part of me fully present. 

So, yeah, I can make a decision!!!! It may sound trivial to some; however, after losing so much of my confidence and self-esteem over a five year period, doing something authentic feels really good. In my second year of recovery, I found myself. The real me. She wasn't perfect, but she was really excited. She was happy. She was working a job that she felt valuable and appreciated. She jumped into things with both feet because, why not!? You only live once. I feel like I am back connected with her again. I missed her. I am living life on life's terms the best that I can. I try to be as dedicated as I can be to my value system. The pursuit of knowledge energizes me, and the thought of what lies ahead for me is so exciting. I can go 100 different directions, literally, when my RN is done. Instead of feeling scared of that many opportunities, I am having fun with researching and job searching. Funny enough, 2012 was the second year of my recovery and the time in my life when I believe I was the happiest in sobriety. Here is 2021. Maybe I just needed a flip in the numbers, although this has been going on for a few months now!

Thanks for reading!
Julie