Choice

Let me preface this entry with a few things:
      1. I do not disagree with inspirational memes.
      2. Little inspirational quips can be great.
      3. You do you. 

I despise this meme with 100% of my being. I have seen this floating around for quite a few years and have found it on some of my recovery pages. My emotional response to this particular meme is starting to mirror some of my responses to "positivity" memes floating around the internet. Now, if you are friends with me on Facebook, you know that I post at least one meme a day, so the irony of this entry does not escape me. I have, however, specifically avoided "life memes" as I call them - inspirational one liners that should change your outlook on today and forever! Those 10 word memes that will remind you that you just need to change you outlook to change your life! I post nonsense memes because I like to laugh and I hope people enjoy it. 

I wrote an entry a few years ago about my annoyance with some memes. When this one started rolling around to me, my annoyance started to turn into anger. It is 100% too simple. This meme casts aside several factors that contribute to these situations. Yes, marriage is hard. My ex-husband got married to an out of control alcoholic that was pretty stealthy about hiding the extent of it. Divorce was hard for me because I had to admit that I chose alcohol over a person and that us together was a total disaster. So, did we both "choose" our misery? Did I choose to be an alcoholic? Sobriety is hard and so is alcoholism. Is there a way that I could have NOT chosen to be an alcoholic and then select a relationship that wouldn't fail? Please tell me, oh wise-meme writer, because being addicted sucked. 

Debt is a choice? Well maybe, but what about my friends who have been taken advantage of in relationships and had no control over finances? What about the people who struggled to make ends meet to feed their children and were offered cheap credit as a way to survive? What about the 18 year old kid that wants to have a chance at college, takes out a loan to realize this dream and hits a horrible? This meme to me tends to suggest that I am stupid. I cannot manage money appropriately and poverty simply shouldn't exist because people "choose" to be poor. This statement just reminds me of the old adage "Pick yourself by your boot straps, you lazy bum." I was in debt coming out of my marriage because we didn't understand credit. I was living in a home that I owed 96,000 on and was worth less than 40,000. Did I choose the latter? Did I choose an economic meltdown that resulted in job loss, foreclosure, and using a credit card to simply be able to eat? 

Obesity and diet are hard. Yet, this statement is an oversimplification of what contributes to obesity and how to maintain a healthy diet. Does who ever wrote this have access to fresh food? Does this person live in a food desert where the only store that sells food in a reasonable distance carries shelf foods that are highly processed? Poverty contributes to obesity. Did that child "choose" that? Unrelenting marketing and advertising has people convinced that one thing is better over another, only to find out later that this was incorrect. (Think about the war against fat and how sugar intake dramatically increased with a correlated rise in obesity.) According to this meme, I guess people are just generally stupid and make bad choices. 

Communication - ok. So, I didn't communicate in some relationships because I didn't know how. So, I learned more about what I needed to contribute to be a successful communicator. Yet, I landed in a job that no matter how much I communicated, I was berated, belittled, and often left feeling less than worthwhile. Yes, I chose that job, but I was choosing to communicate and it didn't work. So, did I actively seek out a position where my communication skills would be rejected? How in the hell would have I have known that going in? As a response to trauma I experienced there, I choose to limit my communication with others regarding some aspects of my life. Right or wrong, I am following my heart and my instincts to protect myself from further harm. Are you judging the way I have chosen to protect myself from those who don't have my best interested at heart? 

Basically, this meme makes me feel judged. One of the areas that I have worked on in therapy is my defense reaction. I am epically defensive. It does not take a whole lot of me feeling threatened on some level to start shooting off my mouth. I can be mean. I can be outright vicious depending on the topic. While I have great empathy and sympathy for my fellow human beings, if you make a comment about how I have constructed my life over time, I will have some very choice words for you. Have you lived my life? Do you understand the root of why I do things the way I do? Do you have any understanding for me that there are things I need and have to do to protect myself, including my sobriety? When I see others reacting to situations in a way that is different from how I would, I take a second to think about what they have been through or learned in their lives about communication, relationships, and money. Maybe their form of coping works for them or they simply don't know any different. 

In the world of social media, memes like this float around all the time and I have certainly seen a number of responses to them both positive and negative. I don't tend to spend much time commenting on memes I find annoying or inaccurate. It is not worth the effort or the argument which is never resolved on social media anyway. I have tried to increase my awareness, however, of the number of these memes that are simply dismissive of the broader human experience. 

I learned very quickly in recovery that there are different way to get to recovery. Heck, the definition of "recovery" is still under debate these days. It used to be that being abstinent from drugs/alcohol was sufficient to be "in recovery". Then, people realized that not using didn't always equate into a happy life so maybe there were more steps to be taken to be in recovery. The discussion started to shift towards allowing the individual to decide what recovery is for them. At first, I wasn't 100% on board with this idea. I remembered very quickly, however, that my way is not the "right" way. My recovery is not your recovery. My mental health recovery ebbs and flows regularly, though, I would not say I have had a full relapse into mental health crisis. I had to think to myself: "What's the point of hammering down one black and white definition of recovery? Isn't that what got us into trouble in the first place? Trying to make things concrete when they are not?" 

I keep in mind that when people are sharing inspirational memes, generally they are not out to save the world. They have found something that worked for them and they want to share it in the event that someone else can be spared the pain they experienced. Heck, that was the reason I went into counseling in the beginning. To me, recovery is a gift and if I could help anyone start their journey in a different direction, I would be so honored and humbled. I become more frustrated when an message becomes over simplified and judgmental. If you have ever experienced depression and someone tells you "just think more positively", the instinct is to roll the eyes. What if my brain doesn't allow me to do that right now? Mental illness, including addiction, are far more complex than a 10 word solution. Now, I have benefited from some positive thinking measures, however, I have had to work to find when that is a solution for me and when I need something more. It's a process and it's a long one to find the combination of things that work (therapy, medications, DBT skills, AA meetings, talking with friends/family, taking a shower, letting myself sleep, etc.) 

I had this blog post on my heart for a while. I felt like I needed to be able to say my peace about it. I hope to get back to writing a bit more. I've always got something to talk about :) 

​Julie