Change

Things are going a bit better since my last post. I am working through grief, slowly but surely. The outpouring of support probably has more to do with the improvement than coming to terms with Daisy being gone. I thank you all for that. I wanted to be alone and also knew that I was no alone. And while I have my misgivings about having to work through a pandemic, I am also so grateful that I was working. I like the people I work with and it was a good distraction from all the sadness. 

One of my active alcoholic mantra was "I don't like the way things are! I don't like change!" It is such a weird place to be. There is this absolute understanding that life is terrible. Things are falling apart all around me. I hate being sick all the time. I hate having to hide all my secrets. But, whoa, the minute anybody suggested that I change something, watch out! "You're not the boss of me." Making life changes is never easy. I have to take a leap of faith, on the some level, that I am making a decision that is positive for me. The irony with changing my life out of addiction is that I honestly didn't think I was making a positive decision for my life. Addiction warps the thinking ever so profoundly.

I knew that 2020 was holding big changes. Change of jobs, going back to school, taking on a board position. Then....COVID. Oh man, that was a change out of left field. That change has probably been harder than I have realized since I am usually out and about on the weekends. Now, it's basically grocery shopping and work. On the whole, I have been doing well because I do get to work several days per week. I really think I needed that. I have talked with my former co-workers and they are generally working from home. I thought, "maybe I missed the boat here!" However, I don't do well at home all by myself. I need to have interaction with people and I am fortunate enough to have a good place to go.

Daisy was a change I knew was coming. I have talked with people over the years about which hurts worse: knowing a death is coming or having that death happen suddenly. I have experienced both. Having experienced both, I will no longer have that conversation. There is no "better" way to experience a death. Both scenario suck so what's the point the of arguing which one is suckier.  That being said, Daisy had been ill for some time. She would bounce back though so I got to be in that place of denial that I was going to have to make a decision about that. That change just came a bit sooner than I was expecting. 

Tonight, I am sitting on my last few hours of transplant call. In September, I will be celebrating 11 years with the transplant center. In late May, I started thinking about where things were at. I was initially furloughed for a few months. It was time to come back and I felt stressed by it. Not stressed because I don't like it, stressed because I couldn't be as available as I was previously. Initially, when I was hired by the treatment center, I thought I was only going to be working a few days per week. My thought back in January was that I was going to need about 4 shifts per month with transplant and the 2 days per week at the treatment center to make ends meet. Well, a full time position opened up and I snatched it! That decreased my availability. The hours are available where I am at so I have been taking them since the overtime is a little more reliable in terms of cash flow. Slowly, things are available to do again (PLEASE BE SAFE PEOPLE) so my schedule has a few more social components than normal. Basically, this is a long-winded paragraph justifying my decision to leave. I am writing it all out because I am not sure I did the right thing. I love this job. The stories I have from my experiences are wild, some times unbelievable and also funny. 

Usually with change, I am super excited. When I went back to school for my masters and going back for my RN now -- super exciting!!! I am going to change jobs - nervous but mainly excited! Taking on a full time position -- exciting! Leaving transplant....not exciting. Maybe because this change is so close to an unexpected change, I am feeling more emotional about it. I have not left the team permanently. I have stepped down for now until my schedule can accommodate more hours. What I could see very clearly is that my lack of availability was not fair to the team I dearly love. The full-time call coordinators need time off and there are so few of the on-call people available to pick up those hours. Part of me just doesn't want to leave right now. There is another part of me that knows I will be back in the future. 

So, tonight, I am feeling a little like "I don't like the way things are and I don't like change!" It's not entirely applicable to this situation. I guess I could say I don't like not being available for transplant and I don't like the idea of stepping away. So, here we are. This team of people have really been a rock for me over the years. They have been a constant in my life since 2009 when I accepted the position. I have talked about this in previous entries: I loved the idea of transplant and working in transplant so much, I got sober. My supervisor at the time was the supervisor I needed to get better. She supported me getting treatment. She never judged me for one minute and was happy to celebrate my successes. I had mentor doctors over the years that sometimes treated me as an "almost equal" (that's what I called it anyway) even if I didn't understand what they were talking about all the time. I met other really cool people in other departments - OR, immunology, blood bank, acute care lab, admissions, etc. etc. About 95% of these people I have never met in person, but they feel like a constant anyway. 

Although I know I will be back at some point, I can't help but feeling sad. Honestly, I am a little tired of feeling sad right now. I know there is some more happiness coming down the pike. For one, I will be starting the nursing courses for my RN. I have wanted these initials behind my name since I was in high school. I took some detours and LONG side routes, but I am almost there. That does make me happy and I know that transplant team will be excited to get me back as a registered nurse. Just need to keep my eye on the prize. 

Love to you all!
​Julie