A Decade

It was three or so years ago, I decided to participate in the Recovery Walk in the Twin Cities. One of the acknowledgements they offer is a called the "Honor Guard" for those who have more than 10 years of sobriety. I remember clearly thinking, "I need to get there." Well, here we are! And the walk is unfortunately canceled for this year, but I still made it and will hope that I can be on the Honor Guard in the future. 

10 years. Wow. What can I say? I posted my anniversary on one of my Facebook groups. About 80% were "congratulations", 15% were all about themselves (happens a lot with addicts, our worlds are pretty self-centered sometimes) and 5% were warnings - literal warnings. "Don't get too complacent. You know you could lose it all tomorrow." "10 years, maybe, but remember you are 10 seconds from the ditch." Sigh. I know on some level they are right, never lose site of recovery because addiction is sneaky and will pounce at any opportunity. I found these responses, though, to be frustrating at the least. Is it too much to ask to share a happy moment of 3,652 days of making the right decision instead of worry about tomorrow?

One post, though, albeit a warning was worded better than the others. This gentleman posted - "I asked my sponsor about his 10 years. He said once he got to double digits, it was time to recommit. Started over with the steps, remembered where he came from and didn't forget what 10 years and 1 week ago was like." For whatever reason, I appreciated that. And honestly, around this time every year, I remember exactly where I was, waking up in detox, embarrassed, yet again. I remember thinking "I can't do it, I just can't. I don't know why I want to be sober. It's hard and it sucks." 

As much as life is miserable in use, there is a comfort in that use. Working with people in early recovery now, I see that internal struggle happening. "I don't like my life as it is. Oh, and I don't like change." I remember feeling terrified about finding something to do sober. What do people do besides drink? My world became so closed, I simply didn't know what I could do instead. Luckily, I had a lot of supports and some external motivation to pull it together. And, here I am ten years later. 

I don't really feel like I need to recommit to my sobriety right now. I don't feel like I have ever walked away. There are certainly times that I have wandered a bit. There are times when my ego got the best of me. I am fully aware of when my internal addict is having a fit. That is what I spend the last 10 years learning - when I am OK and when do I need to seek help. My addict side got 100% activated last week. Wow, I don't miss her. She is kind of a bitch. I reached out to an AA friend of mine and did a little 5th step. I knew I was behaving badly. Part of me felt totally justified. My recovery part knew I was full of it. My AA friend put me right back into my place. Five years ago, I might not have even been in a place to get myself called out onto the carpet. Heck, I am not even sure if I would have fully realized my addict side rearing its head. I am constantly monitoring my behavior and activities. That is not a job for anyone else. I have to decide if I feel like my behavior is appropriate. If I decide "no", then I have to decide how to move forward. Can I do it on my own or do I need the guidance of another? It's a lot of work, but let me tell you, in the past five years, I have stayed more true to my value system than any other time in my life. I spent the first five years figuring out who I am and what I believe in. The last five years have been my attempt to live within those perimeters the best I can. When I don't, fix it. 

"Progress not perfection" is one of the many recovery sayings out there. It honestly doesn't matter if you are in recovery or not, those are just wise words. If you are perfect, great! I have yet to meet a perfect person in my life. Everyone has flaws. What I most intrigued by is how people react and deal with those flaws. The answer is different for each person. I may need to apologize. I may need to look at myself in the mirror. I may need to show more compassion. I may need to institute a boundary. The gift of recovery is knowing that all of these options exist. Picking one is still a lesson in process and each time I am presented with a situation, I learn more about who and what I want to be.

As for a quick update on life: Duke and I miss Daisy so very much. I brought in a new senior lady by the name of Lily. While I was excited about it, Duke was not. The stress from all the changes brought forth some medical issues that were relatively dormant. We are slowing working our way through it. They fought a few days ago which oddly brought peace in the household. Duke is now dominant, Lily couldn't honestly care less and now they bump noses and eat together. We are on our way.

School is grueling this semester. I often think "no wonder all my RN friends are so damn smart, they have to know EVERYTHING!" I love it though. You would think I would be exhausted since this will be years 21 and 22 in school. It's what I love (learning and nursing) so I jump in with both feet. I am plugging my way through mid-terms right now and looking forward to the next break in September.

The job continues to go well. There are a lot of changes coming down the pike. That whole "change is hard" thing is what I got my internal addict all in a bunch. I am exercising patience right now in the hopes that whatever decisions are made are in the best interest of our clients and staff. Most of the changes have seemed to make other departments somewhat happier so I will wait until our department has our day. I can't predict the future. My goal is to stay put until at least October of next year (2021). I like my co-workers. I like my job. It's nice to be back in nursing and in the field of addiction. This placement feels much more natural than counseling ever did. 

So, I thank you for reading. I thank you for your support with helping me to 10 years. 

Lots of love,
​J