24/7 Access

I remember my first real full time, non-temp job after graduating from college. i had it all, good pay, the company car, the cell phone, the pager. 23 years old, feeling like a rockstar....well, that actually changed rather rapidly. I found out, quickly, what it is like to be accessible 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, available all the time. I was heavily drinking at that point and fortunately, the amount of calls outside of business hours was quite minimal. But right away, I didn't like it. 

Fast forward to 2009-2010, again, I am provided with a cell phone, pager and laptop for work. For only 1 day a week, I was accessible for 24 hours a day. Toward the end of my drinking career, I was having a harder and harder time staying sober for that 24 hours, especially since I was in organ transplant and the job was very exciting, stressful, crazy, and unpredictable. I absolutely hated that day of my rotation but in a weird way it was one of the reason that I wanted to get sober too. I was having a hard time NOT drinking but I knew what could happen if I DID drink. I was finally figuring out that my alcohol problems were pretty big. I needed to choose, the job or the bottle. Job won. Yippiee!

Now 2013. Sigh. When I first got a cell phone and could text, I think I text messaged about 3 times a month. Usually it was "hey, I am late, be there in a minute". Nothing like extensive conversations that people are needing and wanting to have over text. With this whole date phenomenon, I have begun to hate my cell phone. I text a few message back and forth with friends and I like that, but these boys....30 messages a day....with a lot of "are you there? OK, where are you? Text me back soon.,.," I am stuck in this position (self-imposed of course) of feeling required to text back. Then the back and forth, back and forth, misspellings, stupid autocorrects, whatever. If I don't reply immediately, every person (by everyone, I mean every person I have agreed to meet with) starts in with the "OK. You must not be there....Umm...when are you going to text me back....are you mad at me? What does your silence mean...." AHAHHHAHAHHAHAH Drives me crazy. Suddenly texting turns dating into a borderline personality festival. (Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness marked by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships.~NIMH) 

Additionally, there are two other things that drive me crazy - 1. I still have no gotten over the idea of being accessible 24 hours a day to other people. 2. I don't read tones very well and I assume the conversation is going south or start to read into things that are not really there. For both reasons, I am seriously considering dumping my cell phone. I can't and I won't.,,,,at least not right now. I just hate it. Sadly, I am kinda stuck though, because this is the world we live in now. I am refusing to give out my number to people indiscriminately now, so I suppose that is a step in the right direction. I am being a little more aggressive about fishing out tone and message. Although that sometimes blows up in my face because I am being a pretty direct. There is no indirect way to ask..."If you use the term 'skeptical' in relation to our last meeting, are you tell me that you are not interested or that my actions don't match my words...." What the hell, I have nothing to lose by doing that I guess. 

Now, it is almost 2am and I still up because I had a conversation tonight that reminds me how much I hate texting. I needed to study tonight and the constant messages coming in bothered me enough to turn the ringer off which led to a missed call which then meant I was mad or annoyed or something which lead to another topic of conversation that I am sure I am misinterpreting at this point, but I am stressed enough and anxious enough now to go and be confrontational. Sigh. See why I don't like texting????? I went from that was a fun time together to F--- it, let's just call the whole thing off, I can't handle this.....I am sure there are some more underlying issues here as well, but at the moment, it is all about being accessible 24 hours a day. I don't like it. Sounds like I might need to sit down and build some boundaries with this cell phone, or at least the texting portion. 

Anyway, I am going to make attempt #3 at getting some sleep tonight. If I am lucky I will pull 5 or 6 hours together before hitting the road tomorrow. Good thing Diet Coke and Starbucks mini-coffees were on sale. I think it is going to be a caffeine kind of day.....

XOXOXOX

Julie