If there is one thing that I have learned in these years of recovery is to be in the moment and don't be afraid to admit that some things are just not meant to be. I purchased this home in 2018 with the idea that rent had skyrocketed and it was in my better interest to spend that kind of money toward something that could build equity. And that did happen. The housing prices went up so quickly that if I had waited even one more month, I couldn't have afforded to live here.
I was very ambitious in the beginning - painting, changing out light fixtures, changing out flooring, and general decorating. I was really accomplishing a lot and had fun making this place my own. Then......I broke my foot in May 2018. My motivation never recovered and everything in this place has been in a holding pattern for several years. I was extremely busy during the pandemic with work and school. Then school continued. Then school was done, but I am back to working three jobs (mainly by choice.) In November, I started feeling this pull of wanting to move. One of my greatest passions and joy is my family. When I moved to Oakdale, I moved her because it was close to work. As the years have moved on, my work is in the northern part of the cities and I am almost an hour away from my family. I love my home and my neighbors. However, being this far from my family for so long has taken its toll. Not to mention, the remaining projects are going to be potentially costly (upwards of $20,000) and will force me into more debt despite the equity I have here. Working three jobs with my full time job being at night leaves very little time that people could do work on my place since I sleep primarily during the day. I looked into many different options and the option that made the most sense in my situation was to sell to an investor. I will get back what I put into the place and a few extra dollars which will essentially wipe out all of my debt (mainly from the upkeep of this home - new garage door, new furnace, new air conditioner, new dishwasher, plumbing visits, and three association assessments for $4,500). Just when I would get a little cushion, something else broke or needed attention. The stress has been lingering over me for years now and I made some commitments to myself for 2024. My commitments include spending more time with my family, being debt free, and travelling. In one transaction, it will all be taken care of. I will be moving to St. Louis Park. I do have expensive taste but I found a place I really like and I will be a mere 15 minutes from my family. My excitement is super high right now. Good thing too because I have to move in the next 5 weeks! Renting makes sense for me. Being a single woman homeowner with minimal knowledge of anything home improvement related has not been a great experience for me. Many have done and succeeded. Not me. At least in this scenario, I receive what I need to move on and this place can be redone for the market. Bonus, since it was purchased by an investor, I can leave anything I don't want. I don't have to clean. No showings. Nothing. Just go. This feels like the biggest "RESET" button ever and I love it. I have been blessed this year with a significant raise with my homecare job which will allow me to not have to depend on any additional income to survive. I can truly work when I want to and not worry that I "need" to be working. Also in November, there were layoffs at my secondary job which lead to an impulsive decision to apply for a teaching position. I got it! So far, I like it. I am teaching in a clinical setting which is nice, although my true preference would be to get into teaching didactic courses. In the meanwhile, I will be gaining the appropriate experience so my longer term goals. I will likely continue with my other position until I have a better feel for my next career steps. I can tell you my priority will be to back off the total number of hours per week and be with others. With the looming threat of something else breaking, I was too nervous to take off "too much" time and be in yet another financial straining moment. Homeownership is not for the faint of heart. I am in awe of people who are able to manage a home in addition to other life requirements. It as time for me to raise the flag of surrender and do what is the best for me. Peace, Julie
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I joined a women's sobriety group on Facebook since a few that I had joined over the years have gone fairly quiet. This group has more than 45,000 members which, needless to say, the group is VERY active. There is a wide array of experiences in the group. Some are starting out with an hour or two of sobriety, while the longest sobriety I have seen was well over 40 years. It has been interesting to see how everyone got to where they are and what they struggle with in this recovery process. It gets me thinking about my early recovery and how all the feelings and anger were so overwhelming. I see a lot of people experiencing this exact thing. What is early recovery like?
After I got through detox the first time in early 2010, I was actually feeling pretty decent. The detox was pretty difficult for me. I had drank for a long time and large amounts. Getting all that alcohol out of my system was a relief in some ways. I went into treatment, nervous, anxious, and CLEAR. I was seeing life as life was and I wasn't very sure how I was going to get through this process with never drinking again. If you are a long-time reader of my blog, you will remember me saying in more than one entry - I don't hate alcohol. I love it. Too much. More than anything at that moment I realized I was going to be in treatment for 3 weeks, I wanted to drink. I figured I could make it until the end of treatment. I was going to try. But no alcohol ever again was not in the cards. I couldn't see it yet. After treatment, I looked better and I really did feel better. I was in the "pink cloud" part of my recovery. I feel so great! Wow! I can see the world again! Why didn't I do this sooner?! Everything is amazing! Professionally, I heard these words on several occasions and I said them myself more than once. Then, the anhedonia. This term, in a very simply way, means I cannot feel pleasure with anything. You could stick me in the world largest candy store with a $1,000 gift card and I might be able to crack a bit of a smile. Give that to me today? I would be jumping around like a 6 year-old kid in glee. Not then, though. My brain was a chemical mess. I went from feeding my brain chemicals to numb feelings only to have those same chemicals intensify them. My brain stopped naturally producing those chemicals because I overloaded my system with them. Bye, bye alcohol. Bye bye chemicals. Bye Bye happiness. It takes the brain about 6-12 months to re-regulate after addiction takes hold. The first year of recovery is the hardest, by far, because that hill is steep. Early recovery meant I HAD to look at the mess I made of my life. For me, I was three years post divorce, looking at foreclosing on my home with thousands of dollars of debt. The number of friends that ran from me when I went into treatment was extraordinarily painful. I felt very severe rejection during that time. My work life was stable and I did have a few friends. However, it was hard to see much of the positive at this point. After 60 days, I had a case of the "fuck-it"(s). If life is going to feel this bad and suck this bad, I should just drink. And I did. It didn't help. Treatment ruined my drinking. Well, in reality, drinking ruined my drinking but I was more than happy to blame it on treatment. Back and forth between home, work, and detox until the board of nursing monitoring program came into play. I am truly amazed by people who can get sober without much of external accountability or motivation. Not everyone needs someone breathing down their neck with a potentially catastrophic consequence to stay sober. I sure did. I didn't think enough of myself to think that I was worth staying sober for. I did, however, find it reasonable to stay sober for my nursing license. I loved nursing back then, and I love it now. Not a bad motivator and I am no longer ashamed to admit that it was the one thing that pulled me out of the horrid decision-making. I love my family and I love my friends. I couldn't figure out the way to get sober at that point for them. If I had asked for accountability from them, I am sure that I would have fared better. I didn't want to do that to them, nor was I ready for it. The board of nursing program "made" me ready. Ready or not! You have to do this if you want to practice! My first 12 months were a combination of "WOW - this is the longest I have been sober since I was 17" and "I hate everything". I was trying to be proud of staying sober, but I was doing it in a lot of secrecy. It was I think 6 or so months before I could be honest with my co=workers that I had been in treatment. I was really ashamed of that. They were generally pretty supportive. They would say things like "you? Really? I never would have guessed!" I was fairly decent at staying off of people's radars. I lived alone, I worked nights basically with limited human contact. I could get away with a lot. My brain always seemed to go there when people said that. Now, I try to stay away from the idea that I "got away with it" for so long. People knew something was wrong. Eventually I would have wound up in jail, fired, or worse. I was marching toward death. I started to feel better around 6 months. I decided to stay in treatment and therapy for the longer-term. I don't think I could have worked through 30 years of stuff in 12 weeks of treatment. I had to build an entirely new foundation for myself. How was I going to deal with hard times? How was I going to deal with good times? What do I do with all these feelings I feel now? Who am I? I started to feel like recovery was possible and kind of exciting. I liked doing the reflection work and connecting with my value system again. It doesn't take long to disconnect from all of it when alcohol or drugs are involved. I was starting to look forward to some of the building I needed to do to get a solid path and move forward. At that time, I found AA helpful. I enjoyed the social aspect of it and being able to walk into a room where everyone just "knew" my life and I didn't have to try to explain all of the craziness. I didn't work the steps as formally as others. I worked on and off with a sponsor. During this period, though, I found DBT to be the most helpful for me. Some of the principles of AA overlap quite well with DBT so I used them together to figure out new ways to see and experience the world. When I say this, I am absolutely not kidding -- At day 365 of being sober, I felt like I could finally breathe. I made it to my first year. My brain felt like it was functioning again and at my "normal". I still had a lot to work through. That being said, I worked so hard to build that foundation during that first year so that I could actually do that work. Having the external accountability got me there. I will tell you that there were many of times I thought about giving up and throwing in the towel. Having the monitoring program there help me to make good decisions until my brain could wrap itself around a life of not drinking. Thirteen years later, I don't think in terms of "never drinking again". I can't think of it like that or it becomes too overwhelming. What I know is that I don't want or need to drink today. I do know that if I go back, I will pick up right where I left off. My body will not be able to handle drinking again. So, when I wake up and look at whether or not I want to be sober today, my real decision is life or death. While that sounds dramatic, it is the reality in my recovery. Love to you all! Julie Time seems to be moving faster and faster as each year comes to a close. I had a great holiday season and I sincerely hope all of my readers did as well. The holidays can be a really difficult time for many, especially if we experience loss, unanticipated changes, or loneliness. I have felt fortunate for many years, with this year included, that I have a great family to spend time with and great friends to share the holiday cheer with during this season.
2023 came and went so fast, I am almost having an issue trying to think of everything that has happened this year! I had a lot of success academically and professionally. I am really excited to drive into clinical teaching in February. When I thought about what I wanted to do in the twilight years of my nursing career, I knew I really wanted to teach. I also have this huge passion to teach others about mental health and substance use disorders. When I completed my education in June, I didn't think that I would be accepting a position so soon that is exactly the combination I was hoping for! I am a bit nervous as bringing students to the floor can be a challenge; however, these students have been around for a little while and the mental health nursing rotation is really important so I am trying to keep my confidence up and keep my fears in check. I have also been challenged by my new therapist to expand my personal horizons. For me, I have been single for a long time. I have had some intermittent relationships here and there, but generally have spent the last 15 years mostly single. I also don't have children. I feel like with this mix, the career becomes a central focus in life. On more than one occasion, I have had people encouraging me to find my life outside of my career. I take great pride in my career and feel it is a large part of my identity. That being said, I can be something else on my "off-time". It was probably about a year ago when I started to subscribe to YouTube music. With that subscription, I get YouTube content without ads. Wow, YouTube is a wild compilation of all sort of drama, education, theories, humor, cat videos, etc. I have been actually inspired by some of the content creators to consider doing my own content. I am in the very beginning stages of looking into this. I have found quite a few great creators that talk about addiction and recovery. I am thinking it might be worthwhile to throw my hat in the ring. I am not sure that I have anything new to say. But, like many other creators, I have experiences and stories about what life is like in active addiction and the life afterwards. I am not looking to make money or have 1 million subscribers. I am interested in having a platform to talk about my experiences. One of my goals in 2024 is to get this up in running. It may be on YouTube or I may find another avenue that is more my style. I should be able to start this up without major cost or significant time. I will keep you all posted if you are interested in some video essays. Since I have over 10 years of entries on this site, I was thinking about just taking a random entry and looking back at what my topic of the day/week/month was back then and how I might see things now. I have some other goals of 2024 that are going to require much more planning and effort. I have to remind myself to be slow and steady and not burn myself out. I will be working quite a bit from February through May between three jobs. After this first semester, I am going to reevaluate everything in June. I want to get to a point of being more responsible with my money and create more savings. I should be easily able to do this between all different sources of income during this period. I also want to start attending to my home again. I had such great momentum in 2018 when I bought it. I did a lot of updates, but there are more than need to be done. I am toying with the idea of selling my place and moving closer to my family. Fortunately, there are a lot of things in my favor AND I don't have to move anywhere unless the deal is right for me. It's hard to be on the polar opposite side of the Cities from my family. So, it is something on the list to look at diligently this year. Another goal is to get back into writing. I look at my blog and see the time lapse between entries. When the renewal comes up for this site, I often think about not renewing. I fear, however, if I did, I wouldn't write much going forward. I think that would be a huge loss for me. Most of the time, this blog is part of my therapeutic process. I having something on my mind, I decide I am going to take a few minutes to write out a blog, see where it goes, and often times come to some type of resolution. So, I will a little more attention to my writing. Thank you for taking the time to read this blog! I really appreciate all the feedback I have received over the years. I have connected with a lot of people who had questions about addiction and recovery. I am always happy to chat if you have questions or concerns about someone in your life. Sending lots of love in 2024!!! Julie I have been attending therapy for more than 15 years. Now, most people might assume if I need to engage in a service this long, it must not work. I have not attended sessions weekly for 15 years, some periods of time, I would stop in once a month or every few months. It was a nice place to have to be sure things are remaining stable. I had been attending monthly for quite some time, especially over Covid lockdown. Once I left the counseling field and was back in school, I was fairly happy/stable and didn't need much support. Recently, I have returned to weekly session beginning this summer. Part of that was getting a new therapist and having some time to get to know each other. More of it is this little gray cloud that seems to hang over me. It's not a black, stormy cloud, but a cloud that seems to be blocking my sunshine in life.
As I have mentioned before, I like this new therapist. She is action oriented and I get assignments on the regular. Her and I have been drilling down some areas of concern for me right now. I feel sort of listless and unmotivated. Many things that I have historically liked to do just don't motivate me. Some accomplishments I have recently completed didn't give me the normal "high" of feeling pretty good for a while. My therapist has suggested social engagement, exercise, listening to my body, etc. Kind of the "normal" things I have engaged in the past to help through times like these. I have done most of these things -- writing, going out, mild exercise. I just don't feel right. For lack of better description, I feel blah. What I am describing is the definition of depression, Losing interest in previously enjoyed activities. Struggle to derive joy from otherwise joyful things. I expressed my frustration by these symptoms. My job is finally "normal" without huge amounts of stress or drama. I have some days off so that I can do some of things I want to do. I have great friends and finally some financial means to do more than I have been able to afford. Yet, on my days off, I find myself staying in bed, not really doing much. Napping on and off. Each week, I set out of a list of things to do -- organizing, grocery shopping, laundry, dishes -- you know, adulting type things. Yet, I keep pushing everything off until I am returning back to work, having accomplished absolutely nothing. I did manage to do a few cleaning things a few weeks ago. Normally, I would feel better walking out to a clean house. Nope. Didn't seem to matter. Didn't feel better for finally doing it. Ugh. So, we jumped into a rabbit hole of the last 10 years of my life. My early recovery, while difficult, was an exciting time for me. I had the constant stimulation of working on myself, finding a new life, and I was working transplant which satisfied part of my thrill seeking side. The downward spiral started in 2013 when I was 1/2 way through graduate school - round #1. I started to realize that I had made a huge mistake and a quite costly one at that. I followed my heart instead of my gut. I started carrying regret with me at that point, My first couple of positions were a disaster. Then I got the job at the county which was a five year position for me. By my standards, that is a lifetime to stay somewhere for 5+ years on a full-time basis. Going into this position, I had this nagging feeling about my place in that career. I finally started to break under the pressure of that position in 2018. The position, in and of itself was stressful, but coupled with horrible supervision, I think something in me actually broke. My confidence was totally shaken. I started questioning my every move. Endured more poor behavior than I normally would, assuming that I couldn't function properly in this career. I had returned to weekly counseling just to keep me afloat until I moved on. I don't know that I ever really "dealt" with the inner core beliefs that had developed during those years. I walked out of that part of my life with a lower sense of self, feeling lost, and experiencing some deep regret/heartache. It would have probably been a good idea to start processing these feelings when I left, but then Covid hit, my nursing job went nuts, my health was repairing, and I was in school full time. I shoved everything to the side and went back into survival mode. Now, I feel like I am still carrying some of the burdens I picked up from this period in my life. When I think about dating, I start looking at myself and start thinking -- the kind of person I am interested in wouldn't like tattoos, or someone who is overweight, or works nights, or doesn't have the best fashion sense. I have become embarrassed of myself both physically and emotionally. I look back at previous relationships and I feel like all of my insecurities were validated. What self-esteem I used to have to power through that is now gone or incredibly diminished. I struggle to see how this person (me) could ever think to be successful in most any relationship - friend or otherwise. I don't write these things for people to feel sorry for me. I hope it might provide some insight to a mind with depression. More so, these are beliefs that I have allowed to infiltrate my life and I am feeling ready to move on and get back to my "normal" state. I am seeking multiple avenues to deal with this in addition to therapy. It may be time for a medication change. I am 1,000% terrified to do this, but I also know that my medications are an incredibly important piece to this puzzle. As I am barreling towards 50, my hormones are changing, my body is changing. I started the medications I am on now over 10 years ago. The last change attempt was horrific so I am holding on to that assuming it will be the same this time. I am, however, willing to try as living in this gray, mundane, blah-ness isn't cutting it for me right now. I have a million interest and ideas of things I would like to do. Yet, I am sitting, doing nothing, and feeling unhappy about that. I am wishing everyone peace out there..... Julie I celebrated 13 years of continuous recovery in August of this year. The distance of time between now and my last detox visit seem like 100 years ago. So much has happened during these years of recovery. I am grateful to have so many years of recovery under my belt. In those early years of recovery, I struggled to figure out what life was supposed to feel and look like without use. How do you have fun? Where do you go to be social? Do you ever laugh? Is this sobriety thing supposed to be fun? At the time, it sure didn't feel like it.
In the early years of recovery, I felt a desire to connect with myself -- values, morals, motivation. I was thrilled with finding out things about myself that I had either forgotten or simply lost because of the fog of substances. Especially toward the end of my drinking days, I knew that I was living against my personal moral and values code. What I felt compelled to do sober was lost as soon as I started drinking. My behavior while drinking was in direct opposition of the person I thought I wanted to be. I was very secure in my identity of being a nurse. In fact, it was probably one of the few things I felt even remotely passionate about in those early years of swimming through new emotions and experiences. I looked at some of previous blog entries during the first few years of recovery. I talked a lot about finding new ways to deal with the world and what was important to me. I stumbled upon my entry about my last day of intensive outpatient treatment in early 2011. I was proud to finish the program and have my graduation. While most people talked about being proud of me and being happy that I was doing OK, more than one person, including my boyfriend at the time had some concerns about my identity. I still remember being annoyed with people telling me that I needed to expand my horizons beyond that identity. Every experience, every emotion, every decision appeared to be based on the perspective of being a nurse. "I should know better, I am a nurse." "The only other time I felt this kind of panic is when a patient coded and I had to do CPR." "I have to complete this program, my nursing license depends on it." On and on..... I believe I tried to expand those horizons, especially when I headed back to school to move my career in another direction. The nursing background would certainly be helpful, but I would be doing something different. If you have been reading my blog for the past several years, I started to realize that my decision to move careers into substance abuse counseling was premature and seemingly regrettable shortly into this transition. So, I ended up grabbing onto one of the things that made me feel professionally secure -- being a nurse. I didn't ever stop being a nurse, in fact, even my counseling approach at times encompassed my nursing perspective. I was also criticized by other counselors in behavioral health for clinging onto this identity more than I should. Rolling around to 2020, I decided to jump in head first back into nursing both professionally and personally, I obtained two degrees in less than three years, both in nursing and have secured two positions that keep my sanity. I would say that my identity is pretty solidified in my career. I am not sure that I really care so much anymore when people tell me to be something beyond that. Well, I am -- I have hobbies, friends, family, etc. etc. I travel, I write, I think about the "next big thing" I want to do. It isn't ALWAYS more school (although many of my close friends might argue otherwise. Hahaha!). I found myself talking about my desire to be on the downward trajectory of my career. I "retired" from transplant in 2021. Transplant was probably the coolest, hardest, craziest, and most rewarding kind of nursing I have ever done. I did have to wave the flag and admit that I am no longer able to keep up. The length of the shifts and the intensity of the work were more than I could handle. I was happy to leave on a good note and before something got majorly screwed up because I couldn't keep up. I entered homecare during my school years because of the flexibility of the schedule. I started as an LPN in 2021 and I am sitting her almost three years with my RN and not looking to go anywhere. This kind of nursing is still fairly physical and I work nights (150% by choice). I have at least a few more years left in me for this type of nursing before I really intend to look at teaching full time. I am seeking more calm environments these days. While teaching will have its challenges, I don't believe it can ever match the intensity of my transplant and/or counseling years. So, why am I mentioning all of this? Because of my new therapist. I like her so far. She is a "do" person. Let's talk and identify the issues and then figure out what can be done. I have decided that I am still in an existential upset about purpose in my life. I have worked up to four jobs at a time, I have attended school enough to obtain five degrees. I am not really interested in another degree. And....I am BORED. I do better when I have something to look forward to like a trip or time of friends. Currently, I have all of that and still have this lack of motivation and engagement in life. It such an odd place to be. I like my jobs. I have minimal stress from either position. I have great family and friends. I have a stable financial situation. I think this is what I was waiting for life to be when I first got sober. Now, 13 years later, this situation actually makes me restless for some reason. Being a nurse is cool but it is not the end all and be all of this life. I am passionate about recovery. I really like writing. I like teaching. I have a knack for public speaking. I am in pursuit of the next identity for myself. Like most people who have experienced addiction, I want "it" to happen right now. I have more than enough ideas. I have a large undercurrent of fear to start a different path. My career, as it stands right now, offers me a degree of flexibility to engage in other activities and hobbies. Tempering the fear and increasing my motivation are my current goals. Fear is more powerful in my life than I probably give acknowledgement to. This restless seems to be waiting for me to push through that fear and experience something entirely different. That seems like a more exciting place to be right now. Take care and stay safe! Julie In June, I was notified that my therapist of many years was moving on in his career and closing his practice. I was pretty bummed about that as he really saw me through some really rough time as my counseling career was ending. I think the timing, however, was good as I was seeking something a little different in terms of what I was needing from therapy sessions. Overall, my mood is generally stable and the stress level is tolerable. I feel like I struggle more on an existential level these days with this nagging feeling of unfulfillment, restlessness, and unrelenting grief. I took the plunge with a new therapist and I have enjoyed our sessions. I told her I would like more action oriented therapy. I hear a lot that I am insightful. That is nice to hear, but now that I know what is bothering me, what do I do about it?
She has challenged me week to week with assignments. In our last session, I talked about how I felt like I was answering some type of calling when I went to get my counseling degree. Recovery was and always will be a huge part of who I am and how I choose to live my life. I wanted to be in a position of advocacy and provide understanding to others about the process of addiction. While I don't think my story or recovery journey is unique, I had hoped that I could put words to the feelings and process of addiction in a way that helps those with addiction feel some hope and those who are watching someone struggle to understand. This blog was certainly a part of that calling as well. Unfortunately, about a year into the schooling process, I did feel like I had made a mistake. I wasn't well enough to be helping others yet, but at that point, it was too late to change course. I still remain passionate about recovery. I am still trying to find that missing piece that fulfills that part of my life. I think I have proven to myself over and over that making a career out of addiction treatment is not right for me. I am sure that I made positive impact in other's lives. For that I am grateful. However, helping others came at a great emotional and physical cost to me that cannot be sustained. Even with returning to nursing, I am not in a place where I would like to explore behavioral health nursing. So, this route that I am taking with education feels like a better trajectory. I have a talent for public speaking; not to mention a huge passion for it. I do educational stuff right now and I do really enjoy it. Also enjoy working one-to-one with my homecare client. Career-wise, I feel like I am in a comfortable place. As I was talking about my disappointment with my experience with counseling and a mild sense of regret that I pushed so hard in a direction that didn't work out, she encouraged me to think of ways to develop other avenues. I love writing. I love speaking. There has to be something out there that can utilize these strengths and make a little difference in this world. We talked about some various options and I will have a thing or two to explore in the next week. I am hopeful that I can overcome some of the issues that have prevented me from exploring these particular avenues. The number one issue being......me. If you spend any time with me, I will likely come off as reasonably confident and well-spoken. I have been described as intuitive, funny, caring, and empathic. To a certain degree, I would agree with most of those things. However, behind closed doors when I am alone, I don't really feel that way about myself. I think I spend too much time sleeping. I view myself as lazy for the condition of my home. I feel like I am pretty short-tempered at times and can be hurtfully sarcastic. I am extremely self-conscious and struggle with feelings of being overwhelmed by the most basic tasks. I don't think it is terribly uncommon to hold ourselves to a different standard than those around us. If I had a friend in the exact same situation as me, I would extent grace and compassion. I would assure the person that some steps are huge toward making things better. I have been pretty bad at extending that same grace to myself. I have these weird experiences when I start to treat myself a little bit better or try to extend some compassion -- something happens that validates the negative. About a year ago, I decided to put myself out there and see if I could meet someone. I did. Started off really well and I was starting to build some confidence that I could be a normal relationship. Fortunately, very quickly, I found out that he had an active warrant out for his arrest for 10!!!!!! felony counts for possession of child porn. What did I take away from that experience? I don't know how to choose a person to date. I had multiple responses to choose from and that is what I chose. I would rather be alone. Or would I? When I think of putting myself out there in other ways like writing a book or starting a vlog, I become almost paralyzed by the THOUGHT of negative criticism. Even helpful, well-intentioned critiques cause me to be hyper-defensive. That defensiveness tells me the other person is bad. Once I get past that, then I am bad and I should never do this activity again. It is an extreme reaction. About two years ago, I started diving into that particular part of my personality. It drives me insane because intellectually, I get it. Not everyone will agree with me. Some people are telling me things to help me improve. Some people are just trolls. However, when I receive feedback, all of my insecurities come up and I feel a strong desire to attack the person or make 1,000 quick excuses for why I was not perfect or required feedback. It's a very ingrained process for me. I am hoping by taking some chances and try some new avenues that I might develop less of a response to criticism over time. I think the only way past this particular area in my life is to confront it head on. And it does scare me. Well, I will keep you all posted as I move forward with some personal side projects!! Be safe! Julie Today will be an entry inspired, yet again, by YouTube. I have been following a couple of stories on this platform. Mainly I watch all sorts of "drama that isn't mine" kind of content. I stumbled on a commentary channel where the host reacts to full episodes of "My 600 Pound Life" from TLC. The woman they were following for this particular episode displayed was quintessential addiction behavior. The most common question I get about my experience with addiction is why I did/acted the way that I did. I was watching the people around this woman asking nearly identical questions. "What is wrong with her?" "Can't she see she is going to die?" "Why doesn't she even change a little when she says she is so miserable?"
So, let's take a few of these questions and I will try to answer them from my experience. Addiction may look different from person to person. There are some general commonalities most people with addiction display or do as a part of the addiction process. Seriously? Can she not see how much she is hurting herself and everyone around her? The simple answer is "yes". I can see that I am hurting myself, I know that. I am hurting people around me, I know that. In my mind, I just didn't want that to be true. I had a lot of health side effects from excessive, chronic alcohol use. Constant GERD, headaches, blurred vision, dehydration, low potassium, abdominal pain, gastric distress, vomiting, swelling of liver, etc. Every time I would go to the doctors, I would have a near meltdown that this visit was the visit they were going to tell me that I was in liver failure. I would get a semi-clean bill of health, I would go straight to denial saying what I was doing wasn't that bad. My marriage took the brunt of my use. I was able to lie to just about everyone else about what was going on. I was always playing a game with the best way to defuse anger with me or my behavior. I became pretty savvy about hiding things. I made drastic changes to my work schedule to spend the least amount of time at home with my former spouse home so I could do what I wanted, when I wanted. I said all the things addicts say: "I will stop now." "I won't do that again." "I will get some help." I made a few steps in that direction, Yet, as the relationship continued to deteriorate, I figured I didn't need to change because it wasn't going to save that relationship anyway. In my mind, I was happier drinking every day than being in that relationship. Then the denial set in. Changing would make any difference. I liked drinking. I wasn't hurting anyone anyway. I think at the base of all that denial was the sheer terror of what it would take to change. I didn't know what life would be like without alcohol. I believed I would have no friends or be able to have fun. Yet, my friendships were falling away because I trapped myself at home to drink. I wasn't having any fun anyway. Regardless, I didn't want to change. I was too scared to change. I was too afraid to admit I was addicted, lonely, scared, and not sure I was capable of that kind of change. What is it going to take to get you to change? I sure let a lot of stuff go before I was willing to make the change and get help. I did make the decision on my own at first. In was in late 2009 I was feeling some motivation to change. I tried to say something at my annual physical. I kid you not, this was the conversation: "Is there anything else you want me to know?" "Ummm....yeah, I drink about a liter of hard alcohol daily or nearly daily." "OK, I will put down alcohol abuse on your chart, Anything else?" I went on a huge bender after that because in my mind, she said I was OK. My labs were normal. Around this time, I got a new job and I was super excited about it. I was noticing missing out on things with friends because I was so physically ill all the time. I was really getting tired of the cycle. Even though I reached out, got into detox, and transferred to treatment. I was not very sure that I wanted to change. I found myself seeking out reasons not to listen to parts of treatment. I overreacted to certain situations so I could give myself an excuse not to attend sessions or activities. In retrospect, the alcohol was cleared out of my system, but all of the skewed thinking and behavior was well intact. I was surprised that I pulled together 60 days before relapsing given how sick my thinking still was. Everyone's turning point is different. I don't believe that people have to hit a hard bottom to get help. I felt like my moment of getting help was out of personal desperation because alcohol was causing so many emotional problems and physical problems and alcohol stop answering my problems. I wanted to help but it was hard to sustain that amount of change. I stopped treatment about 3 sessions after my inpatient treatment. Without the support and structure, I went back pretty quickly. I personally needed to have some external motivation. I didn't feel like my life was worth changing for myself. The external motivation did come and I do credit it for holding my feet to the fire to make long-term change. (HPSP) Why can't you stop? I wish I knew that answer. I literally don't understand how people can stop when using alcohol. Compulsion is a strange deal/experience. I absolutely knew that when I started drinking I was going to stop until I went to sleep or passed out. I absolutely knew that alcohol was not healthy for me. I absolutely knew that I might die by alcohol overdose. Yet, none of that mattered in the moment. I could not see any consequence in that moment of pouring a drink. Whatever thoughts that I had that I shouldn't do this would be quickly justified. I know that I was driven by stress and emotion. After a while I was driven so much my the physical withdrawal symptoms. One of the hardest withdrawal symptoms for me was anxiety. I was crawling out of my skin and on the verge of panic at any moment. Even looking at an alcohol bottle would start calm that anxiety and for a glorious 15 minutes, I would feel "normal". I stopped shaking and I wasn't buzzed yet. I was just calm. Well, since I couldn't stop when I started, it was quickly spiral to full on drunkenness within 1-2 hours. That desire to continue this pattern was stronger than any logic, any consequence. Nothing else mattered. I really did feel bad and guilty after the fact. If I angered someone or hurt someone, I felt horrible about it. Even feeling this guilt and sadness after almost every drinking episode, I still drank full well knowing that this was going to be the outcome. Toward the end, I didn't understand what the hell I was doing anymore. In the future entry, I will try to answer some more of these "what the heck is going on with you" questions from my perspective. If you have a specific question that you have always wanted to ask an addict, shoot! I don't mind. It may not be the answer everyone will give, but it will be from my experience. Thanks for reading!! Julie I decided to switch music services and got a subscription to YouTube Premium. This subscription gives me ad-free access to all the videos on the platform. Oh, the rabbit holes I have been diving down since I finished school! One thing I know about myself is that I love other people's drama. YouTube is FULL of it. I was watching another one of the YouTuber's fall from grace this week and one of the reaction videos had a pretty interesting discussion that caught my attention. This YouTuber basically stated she never had any bad intentions despite some pretty awful behavior. The commentator said "intention doesn't matter, it is the impact." Oh how very true.....
One of the things that scared me about getting into sobriety was having to face the impact of all of my behavior. The impact was wide and varied in intensity. Small or enormous, I was not feeling great about being confronted with about it. I was so ashamed and I felt really bad. I never meant to hurt people. Yet, I did. The idea of amends was hard. Not that I didn't want to tell people whom I had hurt that I was sorry. More so, I was scared to hear about the degree I had hurt them. I wanted to acknowledge what I had done, apologize, and promise to do better. I really wanted to have those conversations without anyone telling me what I had done. Some of it was embarrassing, some of it was mean, some of it was malicious, and some of it was careless/thoughtless. I could just hear myself saying "I really didn't mean to harm you. I would never intent that for anyone that was in my life." Yet, I did. And I was wanting to hide in any hole I could find. When in the throughs of addiction, "I didn't mean to...." is a pretty regular statement. I didn't mean to miss our time together. I didn't mean to ignore your calls. I didn't mean to dump on you when I called in drunken stupor. I didn't mean to be so needy. I didn't mean to say those mean things. The reality is, though, it all happened. My intention was not to do that. I picked up a drink and all hell broke loose. I lost my inhibition and control. I proceeded to act a fool, creating distress for others, hide from reality, make excuses, and flat-out hurt people. The response of "I really didn't mean to" falls really flat in those moments. Everyone has heard that before. An apology is pretty hollow as well if there is no change to the behavior driving all of this chaos. In general, I am a pretty sensitive person. I hate when others feel disappointed in me or I have cause upset to them. In my mind, I assume that whatever I have done is not a forgivable thing and I will lose the relationship from it. When I work from that place, I get highly defensive and want to deflect the blame so that I am not 100% responsible for it; hoping that this approach may save the relationship. Also, I will deflect because I am horribly embarrassed for my behavior, I believe that people will see me in a totally different light. I will lose their respect and friendship. I am not sure where all of this comes from. I do, however, know that I have done that for as long as I can remember, even as a child. It was OK for me to get annoyed or upset with someone else but if that was directed at me, I fell apart. Either I would avoid that person going forward so as to not have to admit what I had done. Or I would create lies or deflect the issues in anyway I could so that I was not being held responsible. It's something that I still struggle with today. At the base of that is fear. I watch these people who are making videos about all sorts of different topics. Occasionally, I read through the comments and I start to get the feelings of distress when people are negative. Even in the case of when people are providing a solid counterpoint, I feel this need to defend the person making the video. Occasionally. they will read the outright mean comments as a part of the video and react to them. I feel great discomfort even if they are laughing at the absurdity of the comment. I think, "doesn't that hurt your feelings? Don't you feel bad when people are commenting on your nose or your hair?" I am sure that they do for a second or two, but they also come to the conclusion that some people are mean just for the fun of it and they can let it go. It is the fear of people confirming something negative that I already feel about myself. I don't hold myself in the highest regard. I know I have positive traits - I care, I am smart, I am driven, I am a good teacher, I am a good nurse, I am a good auntie, I am a good cat mama, etc. etc. However, when it comes to how I look or how I choose to express myself, I am highly (arguably overly) sensitive. When someone disagrees with me, I will automatically assume that I am wrong and start to question everything. That sensitivity holds me back from a lot of things I would enjoy exploring. I am not so much scared of failure per se. I am more concerned about not being good at something in front of others. It is such a strange thing considering public speaking is one of my favorite things. I present ideas that people may or may not agree with, yet I can be easily heartbroken if I am confronted with conflicting information. For example, the last presentation I did about alcoholism and gastric bypass surgery, I felt like I had a heckler in the audience. I felt like he was trying to knock me off of my game by questioning the legitimacy of my research, my own thoughts about potential links, and discussion special treatment considerations. If that was the intention, he did it and I have not presented about that topic since then. Those interactions roll around in my head every time I look to update the presentation. I turned off the automatic comments (they have to be approved by me) when I had a series of people respond to any post I did about AA. "You're in a cult." "AA is evil." "You are judgmental." I delete those comments now because I think I have made it clear I support any and all avenues to recovery, etc. But, I will more likely think about those comments when writing new entries than the 100s of positive messages/feedback I have received over the past 10 years. I think I am especially sensitive here because I am the most vulnerable here. The last time I said the word vulnerable in a therapy session, I choked on my own spit. Not intentionally, mind you, but I thought it was a fitting reaction for me and that word. When people take the opportunity to slam me about things I feel passionate about, I basically shut down. I hope to continue to work to change that response. I am trying to learn to push through and open my mind to some new things. I remain steadfast that I have something big inside of me related to recovery. I am still not sure what that is. Heck, I may already be doing it, but I still feel like something is missing or I could go bigger. Now that school is done, I am starting to think of my next moves. Professionally, I have that all set for right now. I am interested in expanding my social/personal world with new hobbies, etc. My hope is to continue to make positive impacts on the world around me by living a fulfilling life that brings me and others joy. Peace, Julie I am a big "why" person. I would equate my brain to a three-year old toddler running around and asking "why" every 30 seconds in an attempt to understand the world around me. I don't consider this a negative thing in my life. It can be a bit exhausting at times. And at times it can lead me down a rabbit hole I should have avoided. Since I left the field of counseling, I have been asking a lot of "why" questions in various aspects of my life. Some of these questions don't have clear cut answers. At times, it is fun just to ponder, other times, I wish I had the answer so I could feel better about why certain things happen.
My last entry talked about avoidance that has really taken over major aspects of my life. When I start debating in my mind what is going on, I want to know why this started and why I am doing this. On an intellectual level, I say, it really doesn't matter. The fact of the matter is avoidance is present and I have to figure out what works to combat that annoyance in my life. On an emotional level, I want to know why partially so I can avoid (no pun intended) having this happen again. More so, I want to know what happened to me. I used to have this drive and desire. Now, I am happy just hanging in bed all day, sleeping on and off. It is not exhaustion that is driving the sleeping. It is truly wanting to not be awake thinking about all the things I need to do. "Why" can be a dangerous question. During the years of use, I used to ask the universe, "why me?". Instead of looking at getting out of that pit of despair, I was stuck asking why this thing was in my life and ruining my life. Asking "why", however, was not moving me any where. I needed to shift that questions to "what needs to be done?" I had convinced myself that if I could identify why I did what I did, somehow that would change the current situation I was in. Suddenly, I would be relieved of the obsession and I could drink normally again. For the record, I NEVER drank normally. I don't even know what that means. The draw and addiction is very strong with me. Treatment did offer me some "whys" that were helpful. My sick thinking and obsession were not unique to me. It's part of my brain and how I process things. I am genetically predisposed to alcoholism. My brain gets highjacked in the presences of drugs and alcohol. I needed these answers to get out of the shame spiral of thinking that I was weak and a moral failure. I knew that alcoholism was considered a disease, I just didn't know why. Getting these answers was helpful to me and when I provide education to people about mental health issues, I offer this information. Knowing that I don't function entirely normally with regards to alcohol is helpful. I have to design my recovery around that knowledge. Where things are today, I often travel down paths that really don't offer much value. The first DBT skills I was introduced to was acceptance. Acceptance is part of 12 step recovery. I preach acceptance to others because it really is the only way to be truly free. Basically, I can ask "why" all day long. The fact of the matter is whatever it is exists here and now. It's part of the game now. Acceptance doesn't mean we like it, it means it is the reality of the situation. Denying reality only creates internal conflict. Accepting reality means I can start looking at the solutions available to me. I can't change that I drinking alcohol will kill me. I need to accept, though, that the outcome will be death if I pick up again. Now, what do I need to keep me here. If I were to ask "why" alcohol will kill me, I am more fixated on finding ways to use without the consequences. Why do I use like this? Well, honestly, no answer is going to help other than this is part of how addiction presents. Am I asking "why" so that I can fix whatever makes me do this so I can have it back? It feels like that at times. Recovery is an ongoing journey for me because life changes. For 15+ years I had one answer. An ineffective answer, but an answer none the less - alcohol. As I wander though life now, that is the only answer I can't use if I want to live a full life. So what's the next answer? My concrete, black and white mind wants a simple, no-frills answer so I can just do something about it already. In a way, I have an answer to why certain things are the way they are right now. Avoidance. There it is. It's a habit/coping mechanism that worked for a little while and now it isn't any more. Do I spend my time trying to figure out why or should I accept that this is where I am at right now? Logically? Easy answer. Emotionally? Also an easy answer with a "but". What is going to take to change this. Can I? Will I? So, the journey moves forward. I hope to continue to post as I can feel it helping already! :) Lots of peace to everyone! J I have finally finished school! (Again...I know) I hope this will leave me a bit more time for this blog. I have missed writing and I can tell when I haven't done it in a while. One of the many changes going on in my life right now is that my therapist of six years is closing his practice. If you have read this blog, he has been a big part of keeping this recovery journey going. At some points, he was able to provide support to keep my nose above water. This notification was not a complete surprise. He has been working on his doctorate for most of our time together. His availability had been declining and I figured a job change had been coming for some time. I am super happy for him and can't verbalized enough how supportive he has been through all of these years.
I was quite surprised that I was able to connect with a new provider so quickly. The last time I went shopping for a therapist, it was 2-5 months, depending to connect with someone. I hope that others are able to connect as quickly as well. Therapy can be such an important tool in finding the stability, recovery, or direction. I had my intake with the new provider last week. Intakes are always rapid fire questions to get some background, figure out some jumping off points, and get enough information to convince insurance to pay for services (sigh). Earlier this week, she sent me a treatment plan. I came with some things that I really want to work on that prevent me from experiencing all the happiness that I have in my life. The treatment plan is highly reflective of everything I wanted to address. It was a very hopeful feeling. For as long as I can remember, I was motivated to attend work. I would work when I was sick. I would pick up shifts. I would be there. Even in the midst of my use, I still got up, hungover, and went to work. I am sure that my memory of that time is a little fuzzy but I am pretty sure my attendance was decent. I was late a lot, but I did show up. Fast forward to about 2014. Something changed. I was in graduate school. I wasn't having the greatest experience with the school and found the internship to be difficult. I started pushing the lines of what I could get away with in terms of calling in and not attending class. In short, I got away with it. I was still able to get everything done. This behavior started to roll over into work. I took a semester off and worked full time. I started getting into conflict with people and started calling in. I justified this because I was just support and the world would go on with out me being there. I would spend an hour calculating out if I could afford not to go, decided I could, and then called in. Rarely was I actually sick. I started out with the counseling job pretty strongly. I was motivated by making a good impression. Well, at about a year in, I started with slowly with calling in. I didn't find the consequences of calling in all that horrible and just kept down that path. I did have some health issues going on during that time. I think a lot of my illnesses were driven by stress. I was constantly stressed. I was unhappy in my job/environment. In 2018, I started doing some more exciting things like buying a house. I had all this motivation and drive to decorate my house, paint, etc. Then, I broke my foot. I have lived in this place since 2018, and have completed maybe one or two projects since that time. I lost all desire. I think about what I would like to do. I have lots of ideas. I fail to activate, so to speak. I talked with my new provider today about how frustrating this is to me. I feel like I should need external motivation to do things I am interested in doing. I fight with myself when I have fun things planned. I don't attend things that I want to. One of the benefits of my current position is that I really "can't" call in sick. I mean, I can, it's just that no one is available to replace me. So, for me to call in sick which I have done once in the past two years, I need to do it early in the day. I can't simply wake up an hour before my shift and decide I am too tired. In my mind, there is no option. I have to go so I have no problem. I am wishing that I felt the same way about my other job and my social life. I want to, yet, I don't. Why? I have felt for a while that I had developed a habit around this lack of attendance. It became "easy" to do? I didn't really get in trouble for it? There have been consequences to that behavior, but apparently not significant enough to create some change. Honestly, I will adopt a whole lot of misery to avoid change. Change is hard. Change requires effort for more than one day. I may not have 100% success as I am learning to make and sustain change. Ugh....that sounds harder than just staying this way, limping along. Right? I have become acutely aware of how much this bothers me now and I do want to figure out how to get back to how I used to be years ago. We talked about findings some ways to "activate" so to speak. Usually if I actually get up and start moving, I rarely go back to bed and will go. I told her about how I will have an hour long conversation with myself about going and not going, going and not going. Then I manage to stress myself out and I just want to crawl back into bed and avoid the world. Avoiding is the issue. I am avoiding my environment by going back to sleep. I am avoiding things because of anxiety. The more time I spend avoiding things, the stronger my ability gets to justify the avoidance. I only have to justify it to myself so it doesn't take much to do it. In early recovery, I was challenged by my provider back then to push through some of those thoughts and go out. She encouraged me to find things that I liked. Take a class. Go make some art. Meet up with friends. I was willing to make any change I could so that the quality of my life would improve. Early recovery was incredibly hard. Many of my "friends" were gone. I had to learn to socialize without alcohol. I had financial issues related to all the use. I was lonely. That was plenty of misery to support a desire to make some change. It worked too. I feel like I was the most successful in 2012-2013. I was doing DBT. I was socializing. I was spending time with my family. I took some classes. Now, the "misery" is not as extreme today as it was back then. I am stuck. I have been stuck for quite some time. What I learned today is that I am feeding avoidance. Once she said that, I was like "Duh! Of course I am! How did I not see this?" Some times it is these little things that are so profound. I was challenged to view these internal conversation as my desire versus avoidance instead of me fighting me. Shifting that language is highly meaningful for me. I don't need people to criticize me much because I am EXCELLENT at providing plenty of negative feedback to myself. Me fighting me feels like more of the same. The avoidance part of me is very strong right now. The desire part of me is getting a bit frustrated. I want to use that frustration to drive some personal change. I think that is possible. I will be sure to circle back to this topic as it is an interesting one for me to consider while I am making some changes. I feed my avoidance for a lot of years so it is going to take a bit of time to get this ship moving in a different direction. I hope to provide you all with more entries over the next month! Thanks again, as always, for reading :) Julie |
AuthorJust a girl in the world trying to live a sober and happy life. Archives
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